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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about what people think about my little boy?

95 replies

LeBFG · 17/12/2013 12:55

I winced inwardly recently on a couple of occasions where my 3yo boy has been doing stuff, totally harmless, and mums over reacting. I can't decide if I'm being overly precious.

The incidents are nothing especially interesting: DS was checking on a baby in a pram and mum barged up (baby was asleep) and pulled DS hard enough for DS to fall over. She just automatically assumed DS was going to wake the baby or do something nasty. I can't help feeling he would have been treated very differently if he was a girl. The other occasion was rolling around on the mat in playgroup - one mum smartly told him to watch it. There are two other girls of the same age doing the same thing and everyone was laughing good naturedly at them.

I know my DS is a gentle creature but I think a lot of people (women says DH) are seeing his sex and assuming gender stereotypes that just don't apply. This makes me feel sad and I wonder what the future holds for him.

Am I being a totally over-protective wobbly mummy?

OP posts:

lookatmycameltoe · 17/12/2013 15:18

there not their!

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/12/2013 15:25

Lookat,

How on earth has the op excused his behaviour?

He's done absolutely nothing that requires an excuse.

It comes to something when a small child is not allowed to look at a baby without it being considered to be bad behaviour.

Bumpsadaisie · 17/12/2013 15:28

My DS (just 2) loves babies and always goes up to prams to look in. He is very gentle and would never touch or be noisy. He is absolutely lovely with babies and indeed with all children - he has never been remotely aggressive to any child, save some good-natured wrestling with his elder sister (who is much bigger than he is).

However, I know that the baby's mother doesn't know any of the above and that all SHE is sees "clumsy-99th-percentile-for-height-two-year-old-and-a-BOY-to-boot" making a beeline for her little bundle of joy.

So I always go straight over after him, supervise and ask the mum if she minds and reassure her that he is very gentle. If the baby is asleep I take him away immediately.

Sparklingbrook · 17/12/2013 17:11

It's a sad day if a little boy can't go and have a look in a pram at a baby IMO.

If you don't want them woken or to catch germs stay at home.

SeraphinaSparklePants · 17/12/2013 17:34

Exactly.
How do you stop them picking up germs from siblings?
I don't want my baby to be ill, but a small child having a look in the pram isn't the end of the world.

Sparklingbrook · 17/12/2013 17:35

Perhaps siblings aren't allowed to look at the precious baby either Seraphina?

ziggiestardust · 17/12/2013 17:37

I agree sparkling why can't a child have a look at another?!

ssd · 17/12/2013 17:39

wait till he starts primary school op, you'll find the teachers are mainly women who prefer girls who sit and draw as opposed to boys who can't sit still....IME you'll get one or two female teachers who are great with boys, the rest can barely tolerate them.

SeraphinaSparklePants · 17/12/2013 17:40

Yes, sounds like it.
My older son loves to show his baby brother off to his friends (aged 4-5).
It's lovely.

Sparklingbrook · 17/12/2013 17:43

DS2 first had a male teacher in Year 6. It was a revelation.

NewtRipley · 17/12/2013 17:44

YANBU

I remember someone calling my DS1 a bruiser when he - at about 1 year old - took a toy from his cousin and then she took it back again.

The negative stereotyping of boys does exist and I think it could affect their self-perception.

It's as bad as those annoying people who don't deal with negative behaviour on the grounds that "boys will be boys"

MrsMook · 17/12/2013 18:04

DS2 frequently has hoards of toddlers crowding round as he accompanies me with DS1 (3). Sometimes they need to be gently told to leave him as he's asleep or he's overwhelmed, but there's no need for rudeness.

The rolling on the floor reminded me of the showers after the pre-school swimming lesson today with 2 boys having a great time rolling around naked. It was only the class in the showers, no one else around and no one was being harmed.

When DS1 is the older one amongst a group with babies, some mums can be a bit over cautious when he's walking around. He is walking not charging around, and steady on his feet. It is irritating. When you go to a baby/ toddler group, you are exposing yourself to other children. There's no need to be overly precious over it. They'll get to the toddler stage soon enough...

MoominsYonisAreScary · 17/12/2013 18:22

I agree with sparkling I think its quite sad that a small child cant take a look into a pram without being dragged away, if you don't want your baby waking up or catching germs its a bit daft taking them to a place they will encounter toddlers.

I have 4 boys, I have noticed that if they are being boisterous or noisy and unwilling to share (2 year old ds3) its because he's a boy, if friends girls are doing the same its because they are tired or coming down with something

Original poster

LeBFG · 17/12/2013 19:03

And when they are older it'll be because of their periods .

OP posts:

MoominsYonisAreScary · 17/12/2013 19:13

Yep my eldest is 19 and I've heard the period excuse a few times, usually when they are being rude to a parent.

NotAsTired · 17/12/2013 19:37

ssd A bit of a sweeping statement there re:, female teachers can barely tolerate boys . Where does this view come from?

ssd · 17/12/2013 19:39

from having two boys myself, both now in high school with a variety of teachers

SolomanDaisy · 17/12/2013 21:02

Nice to see gender stereotyping creeping into a thread about gender stereotyping. My boisterous boy likes to sit and draw.

jeansthatfit · 17/12/2013 21:02

People do gender stereotype small children. I've seen it happen in all sorts of ways.

Boys more likely to be seen as naughty when girls are 'lively' - girls being 'cheeky' when boys are 'bad'. As young as two, when a toddler yanks another child to the floor, or clobbers them, the boy is reprimanded more severely than the girl - presumably because we associate violence more with males? even if they are 2?

On the other hand, I've seen small boys out of control and parents not intervening at all because "boys will be boys'. Small girls are more likely to be stopped/disciplined if they are screaming and trying to wreck something.

Where all this stereotyping bothers me most is at school. I see teachers doing this with the pre-schoolers and I think it's very damaging.

monkeynuts123 · 17/12/2013 21:05

Is he the only boy in the world?

wingsandstrings · 17/12/2013 22:37

I've one of each and have no doubt that people view girls generally more indulgently than boys. My DD gets many more smiles and chats and generous interpretations of her behaviour from strangers than my (far more sweet tempered and gentle) DS ever did at her age. A classic example of this was last summer when it was my DS's birthday and he got a card with a big colourful badge on that said '5 today' and he wanted to wear it on a trip to the supermarket. So off we trotted, me, my DS proudly sporting his badge and my 3 yr old DD. As we went around the supermarket it was as usual like my DS was invisible and lots of shoppers and staff were cooing over my (to be fair, very beautiful) DD. When the check-out lady ignored him and started saying telling my DD what lovely hair she has (blond ringlets) I cracked and practically shouted 'it's my son's birthday today" . . . but she wasn't interested and he was quite crushed. He had started with his little chest all puffed out to show off his badge and ended all hunched over.
After about age 2 boys just don't seem to be considered 'cute' or charming. And don't get me started on how boys get told off more at school than girls, because the way they more commonly misbehave (being loud, wrestling etc) is judged more harshly than the way girls more typically misbehave (telling tales, excluding other kids etc . . . stuff that I think is much more mean).

Mutley77 · 18/12/2013 11:04

Gosh there's a lot of passive aggressive chat going on about my germs / babies comments which is pretty rude. It doesn't surprise me that you are the same people who are rude enough to think it's fine for your toddler to stick their head in the pram over a baby.

The point is that there are mums who simply don't feel comfortable with toddlers (or older children or adults) being up close to their baby. Whether it is because the baby is asleep or whether they are being sensibly cautious about the spread of germs, which is rife among toddlers and young children, either reason is not something that would be relevant to this particular child in the OP being a boy. I do not think the baby's mother's reaction was appropriate (I totally disagree with even touching an unknown person's child unless they were at risk of immediate harm) but I can understand she might not want a female or male child, or indeed anyone, leaning over her baby and was therefore giving this view as perspective..

If you are interested rather than just being snide of course my other children have close contact with my baby but I know that they are fully immunised and if they are ill or brewing something I ask them to keep a reasonable distance which I would see as simply sensible precautions. I don't take my baby anywhere she would come across germs unnecessarily and by the same token I wouldn't let my other children (or toddlers when they were that age) lean over other babies unless the mum/dad had indicated it was ok.

By coincidence something happened today which made my realise I'm obviously not totally weird. I was out at a school event with my baby and a toddler came to look in the pram, I let him have a look then gently distracted him away. The mum had seen what he was doing and immediately moved to come over and grabbed him to move him out the way - when she saw my baby was asleep she said "Oh god I'm so sorry you should have pushed him out of the way" - to which I said I obviously wouldn't push him and gratefully acknowledged that she had come to manage the situation and her own child.

Sparklingbrook · 18/12/2013 11:07

Well my 2 are older now. I can honestly say I didn't give any of this a thought when anyone peered into the pram with either of them. Worrying about stuff brewing and immunisations.

tomverlaine · 18/12/2013 11:18

YABU- I don't understand how you can imply from two incidents that your son is being gender stereotyped. the baby incident could have happened to anyone (my DS likes babies and I have never experienced this - but i wouldn't let him go up on his own)- the rolling on the mat- he may have been doing it differently to the girls/may have been closer to adults/hurting someone - i don't know. Just don't be so quick to read more into it than there is.
DS (3) is considered cute/charming etc and gets lots of smiles etc from random people - I don't think that necessarily follows gender. Gender specific stuff i have seen is more along the lines of girls being praised for sitting quietly, not expected to be able to climb , boys told to be brave, not to cry etc

SqueakyCleanLibertine · 18/12/2013 11:18

Obviously coming from a parallel universe to MN again as...

I don't mind children looking at my baby in its pram

I don't mind old ladies touching my babies hand/cheek

I say 'careful'! To any child windmilling with other children near by.

(Shrugs)

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