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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to face 5-hour car journey

74 replies

Ownteethandhair · 17/12/2013 07:45

My DH's idea of a Christmas outing is a day trip to see his various relatives. I go along with it most years but he wants to visit his grown-up children with me and the dog which means a 5-hour return car ride in one day. This is in the week after Christmas and I know why he wants to see them and I am fine with that.
But they have a toddler, a tiny flat and they plan to go out for a meal which means the dog becomes a problem.
Am IBU to not want to go? The kennels are full, I hate car journeys and am not fussed about spending time with DH's family.
He thinks I should go to 'support' him but I am dreading the stress of it all. I always seem to be in a dilemma over what I 'ought' to do in my relationship with DH (and the one before him).
I know he will be hurt and upset that if I don't go.
I say we are the old parents, the kids should come and see us, but they haven't been up for over a year. 'Too busy'.

OP posts:

BeckAndCall · 17/12/2013 07:50

How old are you? Over 70?

You say your DH will be hurt if you don't go - there's your answers.

And of course they're busy - they work and they have a toddler. If you can't face a 5 hour round trip, do you not think it'll be that much harder for a toddler?

OwlinaTree · 17/12/2013 07:50

Well it's once a year. I'd go tbh. Could you leave the dog with a friend? Then have a trip somewhere dog friendly the next day?

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 17/12/2013 07:52

Why don't you leave dog at home and meet them for lunch somewhere half way?

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 17/12/2013 07:53

Why don't you leave dog at home and meet them for lunch somewhere half way?

Original poster

Ownteethandhair · 17/12/2013 07:55

Can't leave the dog alone in house for 15 hours.

OP posts:

SavoyCabbage · 17/12/2013 07:56

I think yabu. He wants to visit his children and he wants you to go too. Doing things like this is just part of life. People do things that they don't particularly want to do that help others or make them happy all the time.

NoComet · 17/12/2013 07:57

Why have a dog?

backinthebox · 17/12/2013 07:59

The man you love wants to see his children and grandchild who he loves, and all you are worried about is your dog. Christmas should be about loved ones, and your dog does not know it is Christmas.

I imagine if you look hard enough you could find space at a kennels - my friend says her kennels are not booked up this year as more people are saving money and making arrangements with friends.

As has been said - of course they are busy, they have a small child. I don't think you'll get much sympathy on that one here.

bigTillyMintspie · 17/12/2013 08:01

YANBU to not want to do the 5hour journey - I hate having to travel 5hours to visit my mother (and then 5 hours back) But they are family and you should make the effort.

You are complaining that they haven't been to see you, but it is very tricky fitting everything in when you have children (and even more difficult when they are teens, so it seems) You just have a dog to sort out. Surely you have a neighbour who would let it out/feed it whilst you are out?

OwlinaTree · 17/12/2013 08:01

Don't get into the busy contest!!

CaptainSweatPants · 17/12/2013 08:02

Meet at a country park half the distance so the dog & toddler can run around

Mrswellyboot · 17/12/2013 08:03

I would go if dh asked as it is important..it's christmas!

OwlinaTree · 17/12/2013 08:04

captainsw great idea!!

NoComet · 17/12/2013 08:07

24 hours in the car over the Christmas period was quite normal when my GPs and DHs DM were still alive.

It was a pain, but clearly I'd still like to have that journey.

ViviPru · 17/12/2013 08:07

We go everywhere with our dog. I plan outings and mealtimes on trips around dog-friendly pubs and cafés. There are thousands and thousands of good ones. That's not a very strong argument not to go.

My Dad does an annual pilgrimage to visit us and the broader family which is a similar distance. He doesn't bring his wife (even though at first he'd probably have preferred a bit of company on the trip) as, like you, she's not fussed about spending time with us and vice versa, and that's ok. But also why we don't really visit them (again, reflective of your situation)

One my Dad realised that everyone would have a nicer time if we weren't all forced to see each other and get along, everyone including him was able to relax and have a better time.

Perhaps this is the year you gently explain that to him?

NearTheWindmill · 17/12/2013 08:08

Could you make a couple of days of it and rent a cottage near them and invite them over for lunch? Alternatively, can't anyone come in to feed the dog and take it for a walk whilst you are out for the day?

justmuddlingalong · 17/12/2013 08:08

I spent 7 hours on public transport on Saturday. We were visiting my family to drop off parcels and see everyone before Christmas. Neither my dp nor I were thrilled to spend so long travelling, but needs must and we all had a lovely day. I think the fact that you are not fussed about spending time with your dh's family says it all. I think you are looking for excuses to not go.

sashh · 17/12/2013 08:09

Go for a meal in a pub that allows dogs, lots do.

IsItMeOr · 17/12/2013 08:09

Well, you could be like my father-in-law's second wife, who "doesn't do" children and no longer visits his son and grandson with him.

Just don't be surprised if your husband's family think you are self-absorbed and don't appear to care about supporting your husband's relationship with his child and grandchild.

pinkdelight · 17/12/2013 08:09

It's not five hours there and back is it? Unless I'm misunderstanding. It's only five hours total. My parents travel twice that every month to come and see me and the grand kids. I know this isn't a contest but it does sound like you can't be arsed and don't care much for his kids or his feelings, which is pretty sad, especially at Christmas.

There must be a solution to the dog thing. Why is the whole trip totalling 15 hours? Maybe when they go out for dinner you could stay at their place with the dog, seeing as it's your main priority. Sorry to sound harsh but that opener about your dh's idea of a nice Xmas being to see his kids - that's pretty alienating! It's most parent's idea of a nice xmas. Yabu.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 17/12/2013 08:10

Leave the dog at home and get a friend or neighbour to pop in. If you can't find anyone to do that, hire a dog sitter. You can't put off seeing relatives because of a dog.

How old are you? If your are elderly, then you are right, the children should visit you. But otherwise, it's fair enough that you go to them.

ViviPru · 17/12/2013 08:16

dh's idea of a nice Xmas being to see his kids - that's pretty alienating! It's most parent's idea of a nice xmas.

But it's not the OPs idea of a nice Christmas. And by the sounds of it, his family aren't fussed about seeing the OP either if they rarely visit. Yes it's harder to visit with a young family, my sister uses that excuse not to visit my Dad and his wife which is partly true but partly because she doesn't really want to spend time with her.

And that's ok! Sometimes we all have to accept the fact that just because people become family by marriage we don't have to all get along and force ourselves to spend time with people whose company we don't enjoy.

Ruffcat · 17/12/2013 08:18

So when was the last time you went to see them? It's sounds like your turn!

Caitlin17 · 17/12/2013 08:22

Why does he think he needs support to see his grown up children?

To be honest I really don't think you're being the evil stepmother if you're not particularly fussed about seeing them. I agree with Vivipru's post. You married him, not his grown up children.

Would they be particularly interested in meeting up with you or would they actually possibly prefer time with their father alone?

GiveItYourBestStockings · 17/12/2013 08:25

Why does he need "support" to visit his own family? Stay at home and have a lovely walk with the dog.

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