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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to face 5-hour car journey

74 replies

Ownteethandhair · 17/12/2013 07:45

My DH's idea of a Christmas outing is a day trip to see his various relatives. I go along with it most years but he wants to visit his grown-up children with me and the dog which means a 5-hour return car ride in one day. This is in the week after Christmas and I know why he wants to see them and I am fine with that.
But they have a toddler, a tiny flat and they plan to go out for a meal which means the dog becomes a problem.
Am IBU to not want to go? The kennels are full, I hate car journeys and am not fussed about spending time with DH's family.
He thinks I should go to 'support' him but I am dreading the stress of it all. I always seem to be in a dilemma over what I 'ought' to do in my relationship with DH (and the one before him).
I know he will be hurt and upset that if I don't go.
I say we are the old parents, the kids should come and see us, but they haven't been up for over a year. 'Too busy'.

OP posts:

Mellowandfruitful · 17/12/2013 10:47

"I always seem to be in a dilemma over what I 'ought' to do in my relationship with DH (and the one before him)"

This is really the problem, far more so than sorting out one day's Christmas visiting. What is really going on here? Are you regularly under pressure to work out what is the 'right' thing to do for your DH, OP?

On the practicalities, there are several options:

meet halfway and have lunch at a dog-friendly pub
take the train? (as long as you don't have lots to carry)
stay overnight - Travelodge take dogs
book a dog sitter - google and there will be plenty in your area who'll come round and do walks. I get leaflets through my door all the time.

I agree that a grown adult shouldn't need 'support' to visit their family, unless of course there is more of a backstory about why that's so. But it is hardly that odd to want all your loved ones around you to spend time with them all at Christmas, so I can totally see why the OP's husband would like her to go too. If he was keen on her staying away, that would be far more of a red flag for me.

Go on, grit your teeth and do the visit (like many of the rest of us...) and then you can say next year, 'It's their turn to come to us'

FrauMoose · 17/12/2013 11:03

struggling I am not sure that my family challenging my mother more would have helped, though it is an interesting question. Her life has been increasingly governed by fears and rituals, and I do not think that she can imagine wanting to change

I had wondered about challenging her on a slightly more recent occasion. I had done some reserach on a relative of hers who had been writer, and would be presenting this work at an event that was part of a festival. I assumed she would want to be present, and made it clear that she could be fetched from the station, chauffeured about, looked after and accompanied etc. The event - and our house - was about 80 miles from her home.

She said no, it would be too much for her. And I just gave up. I thought she doesn't want to be present enough, and actually that means I don't want her there either. It's her loss.

merrymouse · 17/12/2013 11:13

cory the people you describe in your last paragraph are all making worthy efforts for needy loved-ones.

The thing is, it's the sociable, relationship building, 'putting on a smiley face even though I'd rather be at home in front of the telly' actions that oil the wheels and make it easier things when life gets tough and you do need help.

Even if you don't have much interest in older step children, once you reach old age there will be decisions about health care, property, inheritance etc. etc. I think I'd like some support if I were wondering how to care for a partner whose health was failing and would hope to get it from their children. I think this would be quite tricky if they were strangers.

(Not saying the OP's step children are strangers, just making the general point).

merrymouse · 17/12/2013 11:14

make it easier things when life gets tough and you do need help.

ViviPru · 17/12/2013 11:27

All good points merrymouse, and something I do wonder about. It is going to be tricky if/when the decisions you describe arise. I conclude that as sensible adults we'll just manage it as practically and sensitively as possible, but I agree things might be easier had we all spent more time in each other's company. But it's a judgement call. We've all judged that avoiding unpleasantness now is preferable to the possible reduction to the potential difficulties to be endured down the line. As someone who tends to delay gratification, this approach is somewhat unusual for me, but it's just what works and has become the consensus for my family.

I'm not trying to provide an absolute on this thread, or argue that there's a one-approach-fits all (even though that's how I might have come across) just as it is such a familiar situation, I wanted to present an alternative view. (Even my own initial reaction on first skimming the OP was get a grip, it's only a few hours in a car )

Caitlin17 · 17/12/2013 11:44

It is not the norm that once you're married it's all one great big happy family. I neither like nor dislike my Mil but if anyone seriously thinks she'd rather have me there when OH visits than have her darling boy all to herself you're seriously deluded.
The OP might be a lovely person but I'd bet the children would prefer to have their dad on his own. Why not, she's not their mother.

Ephiny · 17/12/2013 11:55

I don't agree they 'should' come to see you, but neither should you be under pressure to visit them if you don't want to or it isn't convenient - especially as they're not even your family.

I'd be more concerned about why your DH can't visit his own children without your 'support' .

Personally I would always put the needs and happiness of my dogs before someone else's children (especially grown-up children!) so I'd be choosing to stay at home with the dog, sooner than have him/her left at home alone or dragged around on a long unnecessary car journey.

pinkdelight · 17/12/2013 12:05

Well if the OP puts the dogs first and the step-children put their child first and this family can't get it together for one day a year, it's a pretty sad state of affairs. Yes, you can say they're not her children. People on here are also forever saying that if you marry someone with children, they become part of your life too. Sure we can all please ourselves, but really, someone, sometime has to make a bit of an effort and put themselves out, don't they? And I'm sure all the DH means by support is that he'd miss her - it's a family event and he sees her as part of his family. Even if she sees herself as some kind of live-in-lover with no further commitments to the life beyond their house and dog.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/12/2013 12:54

OP - Why can't you do as several others have said and meet at a suitable half way point?

JollySantersSelectionBox · 17/12/2013 12:58

Don't they want to see you too,op? And the dog?

I'd have thought that being married to their DF they would consider you family too?

MojaveWanderer · 17/12/2013 13:12

My dad lives 5 hours away at least. I have seen him twice in the last 5 years. Both times he came up to us. We really don't have the time or money to travel to see my dad and his wife even though we would love to. It's a shame they don't come to us more often. They would rather do other stuff together unfortunately but I understand. My daughter has only seen her granddad twice. Don't be like them

NearTheWindmill · 17/12/2013 13:22

Mojave that's dreadful. Twice in the last five years! How can you not have toime to visit a parent when you are in the same country. One of my SILs lives in Aus and has been to England twice in 18 years and that's when her mother or DH have paid her fare. Personally I think that's dreadful and she shopuld have factored in the cost of coming home/cheaper living costs there, etc when she made the decision.

Mim78 · 17/12/2013 14:09

I think you are being unfair to him. It is only one day.

There must be someone who can look after your dog.

comingintomyown · 17/12/2013 15:07

YANBU he should go on his own they are his children not yours . If they were young it might be different but as adults in all honesty they probably aren't that interested in you and would like to see him on his own.

The dog is a red herring though !

LessMissAbs · 17/12/2013 15:13

Probably the sort of thing you're best to make the effort to do once a year. Unless they're obnoxious people of course! Put yourself in their shoes. Maybe you just don't like each other of course!

Idespair · 17/12/2013 15:41

Really you need to sort something for the dog. Have you any family, friends, neighbours, paid dog sitter person etc who would have the dog for the day? I think you should go with him to visit his dc and try to enjoy it.

Snog · 17/12/2013 22:20

i agree that if the dc would prefer their dad to themselves then best to just stay home....is it worth falling out wirh dh over though?

ViviPru · 17/12/2013 22:46

I'm annoyed the OP hasn't returned.

Caitlin17 · 17/12/2013 23:04

Vivi especially as a fair number thinks she's not being unreasonable. Even if the dog is a red herring.

longingforsomesleep · 17/12/2013 23:55

As said up thread, there are plenty pubs that allow dogs if you eat in the bar area instead of the restaurant. We take ours on holiday in the UK a lot and it's really not difficult to find somewhere. If we can't, the dogs just stay in the car outside (with appropriate ventilation) while we eat. They sleep, we keep an eye on them - it doesn't do them any harm for an hour or two.

DropYourSword · 18/12/2013 00:00

I think you should stay at home with the dog. Everyone will probably have a nicer day that way. It really doesn't sound like you like his family so I don't think you'd have a great time spending the day together anyway.

Original poster

Ownteethandhair · 18/12/2013 07:48

Vivi - OK have returned. Writing on here it is difficult to convey the whole picture re my family and DH situation so I accept that most people think IABU to not go. I just wanted to hear what others think and now I know the vast majority think I would be wrong/selfish etc to not go. No point in me keep joining in. Thanks for all your input.
Caitlin - I may not be a lovely person but I am not heartless. And my dog is not a red herring he is a choc Labrador ..

OP posts:

ViviPru · 18/12/2013 07:50

Good form OP

Caitlin17 · 18/12/2013 07:53

OP, sorry, just a few weren't sure if the dog was the real reason. I don't think yabu not to go.

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