Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To not want to face 5-hour car journey

74 replies

Ownteethandhair · 17/12/2013 07:45

My DH's idea of a Christmas outing is a day trip to see his various relatives. I go along with it most years but he wants to visit his grown-up children with me and the dog which means a 5-hour return car ride in one day. This is in the week after Christmas and I know why he wants to see them and I am fine with that.
But they have a toddler, a tiny flat and they plan to go out for a meal which means the dog becomes a problem.
Am IBU to not want to go? The kennels are full, I hate car journeys and am not fussed about spending time with DH's family.
He thinks I should go to 'support' him but I am dreading the stress of it all. I always seem to be in a dilemma over what I 'ought' to do in my relationship with DH (and the one before him).
I know he will be hurt and upset that if I don't go.
I say we are the old parents, the kids should come and see us, but they haven't been up for over a year. 'Too busy'.

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 17/12/2013 08:45

I agree 5 hours is not that much. I do a similar journey to visit relatives. I can understand why they don't want to travel with a toddler, I find the journey a nightmare with our baby but needs must. It is easier for you to go there. (Assuming you are both in good health).

Call a couple of pubs and see if your dog can go in. Or ask a neighbour or a neighbours teenager to dog sit for the day. Or have a buffet lunch at their flat - take bits with you to make it easy for them - then if there's no space at the table it doesn't matter.

You should go as they are family.

ViviPru · 17/12/2013 09:08

OP, what's his kid's take on it do you think?

snowed · 17/12/2013 09:11

Go and stay in a dog-friendly cottage for a few days, and visit them while you're there?

thankfeckitschrismas · 17/12/2013 09:16

I think you are being a bit miserable

Christmas time is a traditional time together...Even if it's only once per year.

It sounds like you dont bother with them for the rest of the year, and now you want to shirk this

Take the dog for a long walk before lunch.....you know he'll settle down.

There are plenty of family and dog friendly places to eat.

Get on with it and stop being so miserable!
Hth

CoffeeTea103 · 17/12/2013 09:23

I agree with your DH. Suck it up and go support him.

ViviPru · 17/12/2013 09:38

As other posters have asked, why does anyone need 'support' to visit their own adult DC?

In any situation which involves a conflict of interests between people and their preferred scenario, a fair balance has to be sought which results in the maximum overall happiness for everyone, distributed as evenly as possible between the individuals.

Let's assume the DC prefer to spend time with their Dad without the OP present. (Something the OP hasn't confirmed, but for the sake of my example let's assume).

In the scenario whereby the OP joins her DH, the DCs happiness is diminished, and the OP's happiness is diminished. The DH initially will be happier, but he will be surrounded by loved ones who feel uncomfortable and compromised. Unless he is very thick-skinned, this will impact on his enjoyment.

In the scenario whereby the OP's DH visits alone, the OP is very happy, the DC are very happy, and the DH is less happy than were the OP to join him, but he is still enjoying time with his DC so his happiness is less diminished than that of his loved ones in the first scenario.

This is why it's important to ascertain the DCs feelings towards the OP's inclusion or lack thereof...

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 17/12/2013 09:39

If you met half way you wouldnt be leaving 15hrs! Hour and 15 there, 2 or 3 hrs for lunch, hour 15 back home c 5 hrs is fine to leave a dog.

You don't want to find a compromise.

CranberrySaucyJack · 17/12/2013 09:44

I don't think you should go.

I bet your husband and his family would all have a much nicer time without you sitting in the corner with a face like a slapped arse.

merrymouse · 17/12/2013 09:46

The trip is completely reasonable.

I can see that some dogs would be a complete pain on this kind of trip. If this were the case I think it would be acceptable to stay behind, but you should go out of your way to invite them to you'd house soon.

When you marry somebody you do have a relationship with their friends and family including grown up children. You don't have to be their best friend, but if you think you can decide to opt out of various parts of your partner's life you aren't really married.

ViviPru · 17/12/2013 09:48

That is an opinion, it is not a statement of fact.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/12/2013 09:48

Why on earth does a grown adult need support to visit his family?

merrymouse · 17/12/2013 09:54

Ill agree that it isn't part of the legal document, but if you married somebody and refused to socialise with their friends/see their grown up children/help with care of elderly parents it would be a pretty miserable marriage. Why get married at all if you aren't prepared to support somebody in their life beyond your relationship?

cory · 17/12/2013 09:58

This seems like a lot of fuss over such a small thing. Are you very old and creaky, OP, or do you get desperately car sick, or are you convinced that your OP's dc hate you?

It just seems such a petty thing to refuse your dh at Christmas.

My disabled teenager (joint pains) will happily travel that far to sit by her grandmother in the nursing home for a few hours.

Of course the dh doesn't need actual support to see his children. But don't we all need, from time to time, a little bit of that emotional support that lies in seeing that our loved one wants to share what is important to us, that they will gladly make a small effort for us, and that they won't always be counting the cost?

ShatnersBassoon · 17/12/2013 10:02

This is the norm for lots of families. It's not a big deal. Just go. Find a pub that can accommodate a dog.

ViviPru · 17/12/2013 10:06

I do agree with you in principle, merrymouse but in my opinion it's more even more miserable to force people to spend time together who have nothing in common and do not enjoy each-other's company, particularly when they have to go to big efforts to do so (i.e. long journeys)

If the OP and her DH lived close to his DC and there were lots of situations arising throughout the year whereby they would need to convene, then I agree they all ought to just 'suck it up' and make more of an effort. But over larger distances where time together is rare and is has been harder to forge a relationship, it's verging on martydom to put yourself in a situation where you know you will be extremely unhappy just to go along with expectations.

I really do think it's OK for relations to acknowledge that they just don't fancy seeing each-other, but I accept that's not a view shared by everyone.

LucyLasticKnickers · 17/12/2013 10:10

make sure they come to you in future.
ask them to have a meal in their hosue with your Dog problem.

cant anyone have your dog

stay over night there?

FrauMoose · 17/12/2013 10:15

He thinks I should go to 'support' him but I am dreading the stress of it all. I always seem to be in a dilemma over what I 'ought' to do in my relationship with DH (and the one before him).

Perhaps this is the interesting bit. The idea is that women always 'ought' to support families. Even if the family is actually that of the spouse from his previous marriage. However the planned day appears to be triggering 'dread', which is a strong word. It seems the poster felt under pressure in an earlier marriage, and has similar feelings in the current one.

How does her husband support her. Some people are nervous and apprehensive about car journeys. Some people are very, very protective indeed about animals - regarding them very much as others regard their children. Obviously as strangers on a forum we might think, 'Oh it's daft to get up tight about travelling.' And 'get somebody to see to the dog.' But if someone has married you, they have to take account of your needs and priorities too.

Or do we just think a woman must stand by her man, even if doing so makes her feel unwell?

cory · 17/12/2013 10:18

VivPru, I think some of us are just mildly surprised at what other people consider a big effort.

The "long journey" you are talking about is less than my dh's daily commute.

The "forcing people to spend time together"- we are talking about one single lunch; not 3 years on a desert island.

If this is martyrdom, I wonder what kind of language you would use to describe the Christmases of all those people who are caring for elderly relatives, or looking after disabled spouses, or splitting caring responsibilities for young children.

Armadale · 17/12/2013 10:25

TBH I think most people are facing at least one day this Christmas that they wouldn't choose to go to- it is just the way of things.

I'd go.

pinkdelight · 17/12/2013 10:26

Vivipru by her own admission is using her own scenario as interchangeable with the OP's, but it's not clear that there is active dislike between the OP and her DH's children. As Frau says, the dread may be a deeper thing related to her previous relationship. But that doesn't mean that because she dreads it she should avoid it at all costs. Making it into this big deal will only feed the dread, whereas if she goes she might see that it was really nothing to worry about. She might even enjoy it a little, especially if she takes up the suggestions of dog-friendly pubs or halfway compromise at a country park. Making out it's normal for something like this to make a person feel "unwell" is only compounding the problem I think, unless the OP has real depression/agoraphobia/related issues, which she surely would have mentioned.

ViviPru · 17/12/2013 10:26

cory the people you describe in your last paragraph are all making worthy efforts for needy loved-ones. I don't think this scenario compares as there is nothing to suggest in the opening post that the OPs DH is in as great a need of her support as your examples.

ViviPru · 17/12/2013 10:27

Vivipru by her own admission is using her own scenario as interchangeable with the OP's, but it's not clear that there is active dislike between the OP and her DH's children.

Quite. It's important to ascertain the DCs position.

FrauMoose · 17/12/2013 10:33

My own mother's apprehension travelling are so great that she created major scenes about 1) attending my older brother's wedding and 2) my own wedding.

On the latter occasion she looked so sick and distressed the day before, you would have thought she was attending a funeral. (Fortunately she managed to be a little more cheerful on the day itself.

At the time she would have been in her early 70s, but in quite good physical health. No disabilities. No illness that might flare up and require urgent treatment is a strange place.

On one level this was selfish, self-obsessed behaviour. But I also think it was completely real. She is a very, very anxious fearful woman. She had got herself in a state. She would not - or could not - snap out of it.

struggling100 · 17/12/2013 10:34

I don't buy your argument that because you are older, they should come and see you. It sounds like they are extremely time-poor with a young toddler, and struggling in a small flat, while you are very time-rich and (if I've understood correctly), unconstrained by the need to work. In those circumstances, I think it's definitely the pair of you who should travel, and not them. The days of retired people being 'old' or 'over the hill' are long gone - and thank goodness! - but that does come with the expectation that older generations will pull a bit of weight when it comes to keeping up with relationships.

struggling100 · 17/12/2013 10:36

FrauMoose - I could have written your post, that's my mother too. She doesn't mean to be selfish and self-absorbed, but she is. I often wonder if she would actually learn to relax and manage her anxiety a bit more if my family (including me) pandered to it a bit less.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread