Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy presents for OH's family

28 replies

Tulip26 · 16/12/2013 13:34

OH's sister has just messaged him on facebook to tell him exactly what she wants me to buy her. In eighteen months of dating I've only met his family once as they live at the other end of the country.

He knows mine quite well as they live local to us but I would never dream of asking him to buy presents for them as there are too many of us, and who can afford it? I've made jars of jam for him to take as a token gift for his family as it's something that requires time and care rather than money.

I may be over reacting as I've just been in a car accident this morning and haven't told OH yet but it's really put things in perspective.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 16/12/2013 13:37

His sister is a grabby cow.

CailinDana · 16/12/2013 13:37

Yanbu. I've never bought anything for dh's family and we're married and together 12 years.

Hope you're ok after your accident.

BohemianGirl · 16/12/2013 13:37

I would tell her to fuck off to the far side and fuck off some more when she gets there

Caitlin17 · 16/12/2013 13:39

YANBU. There's been loads of threads on this. His family is his family. We've been together 28 years. The only member of his family I buy a present for is his mother and only because she always gets me something, despite being told not to.

He buys for his family, I buy for mine.

misskatamari · 16/12/2013 13:40

Cheeky cow! By the sounds of it you're not even spending Christmas with them if you are sending him with the jam? What does OH think about it?

givemeaclue · 16/12/2013 13:40

Yanbu. Don't do it.

OOAOML · 16/12/2013 13:40

His family - his job to buy presents. So he can choose whether he buys her what she's asked for. Hope you're ok - have you been checked over? Could you still be suffering from shock? Hope you're not on your own.

Caitlin17 · 16/12/2013 13:41

Oh and hope you're feeling better after the accident.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 16/12/2013 13:42

I don't really know what the car accident has to do with anything, I hope you're OK but I think it's beside the point.

I think some families just do christmas differently. I've always had to write a list and send it to everyone. Quite often I send it to my OH so her can help his family - although he tends to just give it to his mum like it's a list of demands. My family write lists and then accept anything. His family write lists and buy off lists so they all tend to know what they're getting.

A fb message to him could be just an idea in case you're stuck (especially if you don't really know each other). It does sound quite demanding but it's quite late in the season now and if you've already organised their gifts just stick to your original plan.

I think the jam idea is great. I used to just buy my OH's family a big tin of chocolates for the first couple of christmas's. It's the thought that counts and if she can't see that then she doesn't deserve what she's asked for.

Original poster
Tulip26 · 16/12/2013 13:44

I am on my own, I think I am a bit in shock. Had some bad news this morning and I think it's what distracted me. Was only popping out for a pint of milk but went into a wall at the supermarket.

I haven't been invited to spend Christmas with them and I have to work anyway. I have her on my facebook so she could have messaged me herself. A week before Christmas practially, too. I think I'm being generous by sending the homemade jam TBQFH.

OP posts:
whereisshe · 16/12/2013 13:47

People get so weird at Christmas. There is no such thing as a present someone is entitled to, so I really don't understand why people demand things with lists etc. I think fuck off is the correct response (well, ignoring her in a dignified fashion is probably more polite).

The jam sounds lovely and thoughtful, and therefore possibly more than his sister deserves. I hope your car accident wasn't too serious & you recover quickly.

Caitlin17 · 16/12/2013 13:49

Modest why on earth should OP even be thinking of buying a present for her boyfriend' sister whom she has met once in 18 months?

Does anyone really do that? I've never bought a present for my sil or bil in 28 years. Never occurred to me, nor vice versa.

Lj8893 · 16/12/2013 13:57

How bizarre!!

Me and my dp buy our families presents together (well, mainly me really because he's pretty rubbish and they would get something crap!) but all presents come out of our joint income. So his sisters get a present from us as a family, not one from each of us! I certainly wouldn't expect my brothers gf to get me a present, and would be very touched if she gave me some homemade jam.

Hope your ok after your accident.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 16/12/2013 16:24

Caitlin I wasn't saying she HAS to I was just saying that some families approach gift giving/recieving differently.

It sounds like OH sis was being demanding and I said the jam idea was lovely especially as OP doesn't know his family. My other point was maybe OH sis was providing a gift idea.

I've never been in the situation of not buying presents for others because all my OH's family are close. Then again he helps me to buy my GP's presents even though he's only met them about 3 times in 8 years.

Caitlin17 · 16/12/2013 17:27

We don't have and never have had a joint income. Friends who are friends of both of us get presents from each of us. There are other people who will get a present from one of us depending on the relationship.

There's no one who gets a single present from us as a couple. Our son gets presents from each of us.

Nanny0gg · 16/12/2013 17:31

Mumsnet has really opened my eyes to the different ways people do things.

I cannot imagine not treating present buying as a family thing. Apart from individual friends everything we buy is from both of us. Any other way seems very complicated.

Each to their own!

chipshop · 16/12/2013 18:06

Never heard of this! DP buys his family presents and they are from the both of us and vice versa for mine. Our siblings and parents do the same in return.

Tikkamasala · 16/12/2013 18:11

The sister sounds sooo cheeky and grabby. If you have not even been invited for Christmas and hardly even met her then there is no reason to assume she would get a present (I wouldn't have even thought to get her one in those circs) let alone to demand exactly what she wants. Some people are gobsmacking in their rudeness. Ignore. The jam sounds more than enough as a nice gesture. Hope you are ok after your accident OP Thanks

shebird · 16/12/2013 18:15

We are pretty similar - DH buys his side presents and I buy mine. He does not get on with his sister so I have to force him to get her something (usually vouchers) just for family peace. She goes completely OTT at Christmas but expects the same in return and then gets in a huff when the same level of effort is not made for her. It's really difficult and puts me off the whole Christmas thing altogether.

NoComet · 16/12/2013 18:23

I alway buy presents for DSIL, BIL and their 2 DCs and I used to organise something for DMIL and she always got something for me.

They are my family as well as his family (I still miss DMIL and DSIL and the DCs are great. DMIL, me and DH find BIL hard work, but my DDs get with him fine).

Yes I'm a SAHM so presents are my job, but even if I wasn't but, it would end up being my job. DH is just crap at presents!

He's actually far more likely to get something for my Dad than his family (due to shared engineering interests)

CaptainSweatPants · 16/12/2013 18:25

how old is she?

NoComet · 16/12/2013 18:28

But there has never been any your family my family stupidity in our relationship!

His lot made me incredibly welcome from the day I turned up already his fiancé (we got engaged six weeks after we met) and my parents welcomed him without question.

We descended on my lot every third weekend, threw washing at DM and ate her roast dinner (we were students, for two years we did my flat, his flat, my parents and his in the holidays)

rookietherednosedreindeer · 16/12/2013 18:29

People do things differently. SIL enjoys doing everything for everybody - I don't, but we get on very well. She emailed me the Christmas requests for everyone in her family so I responded to say I had passed it on to DH to sort out - no ill will or offence taken.

ITCouldBeWorse · 16/12/2013 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iris445 · 16/12/2013 18:32

My DH did this, extravagant gift lists (£100 gifts each.)

Took me one year to nip it in the bud. They get what we buy them. We don't spend that much on each other and I don't need piles of tat.
They hate me obviously.

I just said we did our shopping early, sorry.