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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who on earth would anyone do this?

60 replies

LivelySoul · 16/12/2013 12:02

I've just received a phone call from a dear friend of mine.

She has told me her DH popped in to the local pub last night (where my ex husband drinks) and that he was flashing pictures of my DD around the pub to anyone who would look in his direction.

The thing is the pictures he was showing were pictures I had taken at a family event! The only explanation I can think of someone has taken them off my FB page and sent them to my ex.

I would like to clarify that ex does not have any contact with DD anymore, he has been awful to me and has said some truly unforgivable things with regards to DD. Why would somebody I class as a friend do this? And why would he go around pretending he is involved in DD life when actually they all know damn well he isn't. I don't have any of his friends on my FB and my page is 100% private.

My friends poor DH was livid. They are party to everything that has happened with my ex and he left without even touching his drink as didn't feel he could hold his tongue.

Am I wrong to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 16/12/2013 12:06

Why would a father want to have photos of his daughter?

Why would an absent father want to give the impression of being more involved than he is?

Why would somebody provide a father with photos of his daughter?

tinyturtletim · 16/12/2013 12:08

I think you need to shut down your Facebook as you obviously have people on there you cannot trust.

Yellowcake · 16/12/2013 12:08

Of course not, though I think it's an example of how dangerous FB can be. How many people on FB would have been able to access the photos? I don't use FB, so no idea whether those people are able to download any photos they can see...? I would lock all images down so no one can see them, and cull my friends list of anyone I suspect of having passed them on to your ex. Do you have any suspicions? Are there family members with sneaking sympathy for him?

BohemianGirl · 16/12/2013 12:09

If you have a mutual friend in common who has liked or shared your picture - you have no control over it any longer - it will be accessible through their wall to their friends list.

Yellowcake · 16/12/2013 12:11

I think I would post a serious announcement that you will no longer be posting images of or information on your daughter, as your friend can't be trusted. See if that flushes anyone out. Say normal FB service will be resumed once someone has owned up and you are satisfied they will not do it again. Make it very plain why passing the photos on is a serious matter.

Does your ex want contact with your daughter, incidentally?

Vivacia · 16/12/2013 12:13

I think I would post a serious announcement that you will no longer be posting images of or information on your daughter, as your friend can't be trusted. See if that flushes anyone out. Say normal FB service will be resumed once someone has owned up and you are satisfied they will not do it again. Make it very plain why passing the photos on is a serious matter

With respect, this is ridiculous.The OP posted the photos on a public website, allowing other people access to them.

Vivacia · 16/12/2013 12:14

Comments such as "serious announcement" and "normal FB service resumed" will just make people roll their eyes.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 16/12/2013 12:16

That's not true Bohemian. If you have your photos set to "friends only" then nobody can share it - DP shared a video of DS recently (from my wall) and it came up with a message saying "Not everyone on your friends list will be able to view this content".

However if you had tagged anybody in the photos, it usually opens the privacy up to their list as well - to solve our video sharing problem, I tagged DP in the video and he was able to share it and some of his friends (who I am not friends with) liked or commented on it.

Original poster
LivelySoul · 16/12/2013 12:17

Vivacia I am not sure what the point of your post is, are you asking if this is what I am asking?

To clarify, why would a father who has said he doesn't love nor want anything to do with his child want to flash around pictures pretending he is father of the year to a group of people who categorically know that he chose to have nothing to do with her and whom he has chosen a lifestyle of alcohol and drug abuse over his daughter?

Why would someone who is on my FB, which is a very limited amount of people deliberately take pictures of someone else's child and decide it's ok to pass them around to someone who is not involved with the child?

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 16/12/2013 12:18

TBH if you want your life and your DDs to be private it was a bit remiss to be posting pictures on the Internet at all ,whether or not you considered them to be private . Facebook is not compulsory .

hickerybobp · 16/12/2013 12:18

I think the case might be that it is not somebody on OP's friend list sending him the pictures. She said they are family photos, what if somebody who is tagged in the picture and their profile is not set to private? Ex could have been looking up relatives if OP's profile is unsearchable, or stumbled across them through the "People you may know" suggestions from FB.

OP I wouldn't start accusing people on your friends list just yet!

BackOnlyBriefly · 16/12/2013 12:19

once someone has owned up and you are satisfied they will not do it again.

Really?

octopusinasantasack · 16/12/2013 12:22

This is precisely why people shouldn't post pictures of their children on Facebook, amongst other reasons.

Vivacia · 16/12/2013 12:23

Vivacia I am not sure what the point of your post is, are you asking if this is what I am asking?

Yes, sorry, I was clarifying but also trying to make the point that these are very normal, understandable actions and I'm surprised that you are surprised by them. Hurt, angry - fine, you've learned a lesson about online privacy, but surprised?

friday16 · 16/12/2013 12:23

Say normal FB service will be resumed once someone has owned up and you are satisfied they will not do it again.

If you wanted to appear completely unhinged, that would in fact be a reasonable scheme.

Original poster
LivelySoul · 16/12/2013 12:24

I honestly don't have a huge amount of FB friends, I'm of the mind set if I wouldn't be happy to meet you for a coffee/drink etc I don't see why you should be able to view what I post. Therefore it really only is people I deem as friends and family :-( I'm more upset that a friend who most likely knows what I've been through has chosen to do this.

I am quite a private person and have never ever ever posted about issues or the situation with my ex etc so I wouldn't put up any public announcement regarding this situation either.

I was so tempted to delete my FB immediately but I have quite a few friends and family who live abroad and I love seeing all their posts and this is our primary way of keeping in touch...

OP posts:
FlankShaftMcWap · 16/12/2013 12:25

Ugh, someone did this to me once. The dick still has a photo of my lovely DD on his profile, peppered with comments about how much she looks like him, how unfair it is he doesn't see her and people reassuring him that "she'll find you one day mate and know the truth". Aye, truth is the poor child cowers when she she's anyone on the tv that looks like him!

I fantasise sometimes about shouting the real truth from the rooftops and exposing him for the vile, abusive and violent fucker he is but that would make me look unhinged I suppose. Rising above it sucks sometimes though huh?

There isn't much you can do, silently seethe and thank god that a photo is all he has. Truth sometimes outs and sometimes doesn't, he'll look like a real tool if it ever does though that's for sure!

Vivacia · 16/12/2013 12:27

Could you have a FB page for keeping in touch with others but without posting private photos of your children?

kinkyfuckery · 16/12/2013 12:30

Irritating, yes, but really what's the problem?

So he was flashing around pictures? And pretending to be involved in her life? You know he's not, she knows he's not and he knows he's not. Fuck what anyone else thinks.

I'd be more cross about the thought that someone may well be passing them on to him.

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 16/12/2013 12:30

What's to be annoyed about, he has to resort to stealing photos and lying, everyone knows he has stolen photos and lied, he is just making himself look like a bigger twat. It's laughable if anything.

Have you double checked your settings on FB? They seem to change them all the time.

Original poster
LivelySoul · 16/12/2013 12:32

I have checked and the pictures that have been described to me do not actually have any tags attached so I do think it is someone on my friends list.

Quite frankly the page and the photographs are restricted to only friends so why should I not be surprised that someone I trust has sent these to my ex husband? I also think that is is fair to say that although FB is not a necessity if you have your settings so that no one other than the people you choose to see your pictures can see them then why should I not post pictures of my daughter and expect it to remain between the people I trust (obviously my judgement is not great on one individual but I'll be damned if I know who)

Vivacia I don't know about you but no I certainly don't think it is normal to pretend you have taken photographs of a child and show them to people and pretend like you are involved in their life...

OP posts:
BertieBowtiesAreCool · 16/12/2013 12:32

The first one the reason is obvious even if it does stick in your throat - he's so selfish and deluded that he wants to pretend he's so involved. Probably he's spouting some story about how you're evil and won't let him see his DC as well - dick.

The second, perhaps they have listened to his bullshit and feel sorry for him and/or feel it's unfair to hide photos of a child from their own father even if they have done awful things so have decided to take matters into their own hands, which it's totally not their place to do so. But it will be some well-meaning vigilante who doesn't have the first clue.

I would just maybe have a friends cull, but really restricting photos does nothing - he's still out there saying whatever he wants, whether he has a photo or not.

My ex has photos of both my DS and his other DS who was taken into care on his facebook. Both boys babies in the photos whereas they are preschoolers now.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 16/12/2013 12:33

I don't think it's normal, but it is surprisingly common in these situations... guy I know is "friends" with his ex-gf so he can get hold of pictures of their son but has blocked her from his page Confused

BuffyxSummers · 16/12/2013 12:39

How do you know the pictures were specifically ones you took? Surely at a family event other people were there taking pictures and uploaded them on the devil site facebook? How do you know these pictures being flashed were pose for pose the exact ones off your FB?

Original poster
LivelySoul · 16/12/2013 12:39

I am truthfully just upset that someone I think I can trust I clearly can't.

The thing is, he has pictures of DD. His mother see's DD regularly and takes pictures, I give her nursery pictures etc. He lives with his Mum so I really shouldn't have a say over whether he see's these or not but his Mum STILL asks if it's ok to make copies for him. I always say of course and would never dream of saying otherwise.

So yes it does piss me off. He does not have FB, can barely work a computer so it's not him trailing through family members profiles etc.

OP posts: