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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who on earth would anyone do this?

60 replies

LivelySoul · 16/12/2013 12:02

I've just received a phone call from a dear friend of mine.

She has told me her DH popped in to the local pub last night (where my ex husband drinks) and that he was flashing pictures of my DD around the pub to anyone who would look in his direction.

The thing is the pictures he was showing were pictures I had taken at a family event! The only explanation I can think of someone has taken them off my FB page and sent them to my ex.

I would like to clarify that ex does not have any contact with DD anymore, he has been awful to me and has said some truly unforgivable things with regards to DD. Why would somebody I class as a friend do this? And why would he go around pretending he is involved in DD life when actually they all know damn well he isn't. I don't have any of his friends on my FB and my page is 100% private.

My friends poor DH was livid. They are party to everything that has happened with my ex and he left without even touching his drink as didn't feel he could hold his tongue.

Am I wrong to be annoyed?

OP posts:
BuffyxSummers · 16/12/2013 12:40

What I mean is, he could have got them from anyone's Facebook if they were at the event.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 16/12/2013 12:41

It's horrible to look at your friends and wonder who broke your trust :(

I suggest friends cull to just those abroad, assuming these people wouldn't have sent them to him?

HoHoHopasholic · 16/12/2013 12:42

It's NOT just your settings that count,it's your friends settings too. If one of them has 'liked' the picture but does not have adequate privacy settings then he can find them.

The best thing is to have the attitude that nothing is 'private' on FB. Don't post it if you don't want it shared.

Original poster
LivelySoul · 16/12/2013 12:44

BuffyxSummers Because the picture that friends DH saw was one that only myself my Gran and my Auntie were there when it was taken. I am terrified of balloons and she was squashing it out in the car park to scare me (she finds this hilarious). Neither my Gran nor Aunt are on FB so it was only me that ever posted that picture.

OP posts:
DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 16/12/2013 12:45

Does everyone know that he gets photos via his mum? Or could he be playing the 'oh poor me my ex is keeping from my baby's blah blah blah?

And yes I second the idea that someone in that group in the pub had the photos?

BuffyxSummers · 16/12/2013 12:47

Fair enough. I think hohohop's advice is the best for now then. Facebook creates the illusion of privacy so best to assume he can see everything if you really need to use it.

Original poster
LivelySoul · 16/12/2013 12:47

Thank you for the lovely messages and advice some of you have sent.

I am fully aware this isn't the end of the world just the icing on the cake after some recent events regarding him.

OP posts:
soverylucky · 16/12/2013 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kinkyfuckery · 16/12/2013 12:53

Your recent posts say that he's only very recently stopped seeing your DD. When were the photos taken? Could he have obtained them before he stopped contact?

Original poster
LivelySoul · 16/12/2013 12:56

I honestly don't know what people know. I have never spoken to anyone other than my closest family and friends about the situation. I live in a small town which he moved back to after I had and I have no inclination to be the village gossip. We split up a long time ago and I have never spoken to people even when asked, I don't feel it is anyone's business.

The people in the pub aren't his friends really he just kind of floats about looking for a drinking buddy as alcoholics do so I very much doubt it was them, plus they aren't on my FB.

I will probably never know, it's just sad that people feel the need to involve themselves in situations that have nothing to do with them.

I am surprised that so many don't see why I would be upset. I just wonder how they would feel if it was pictures of their DC in private situations being shown around to people who don't know them especially when some of these people or not very nice themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
LivelySoul · 16/12/2013 12:59

kinkyfuckery He has never really been overly involved with DD he was seeing he very sporadically over the period of about 6 months and I supervised contact. He never once actually took a photographs himself and asked for any off of me. If he had I would have happily sent him some. He doesn't have a FB and wouldn't have been on my page even if he had. The only other way would be my phone which is coded so can't see how he could of got them from that...

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 16/12/2013 13:07

But if a mutual friend had been casually asked "Hey mate, mind printing off X photo for me from Livelysoul's Facebook page? my printer's guffed!" and they knew he was still involved, would they necessarily have known they were doing 'wrong'?

Original poster
LivelySoul · 16/12/2013 13:11

I understand where you are coming from kinkyfuckery they were actually on his phone so someone sent them to him but the sentiment is the same.

Personally if someone asked me to do that especially where I knew the situation was fragile I would always check with the other parents. I wouldn't dream of passing on photographs of someone else's child but I appreciate not everyone thinks exactly the same as me.

OP posts:
BuffyxSummers · 16/12/2013 13:12

How do you know he doesn't have a Facebook? It's easy to make one under a fake name and use it to try and spy without telling anyone. And what kinky said.

HoHoHopasholic · 16/12/2013 13:14

Just going back to what I mentioned up thread lively. Don't assume one of your FB friends has gone behind your back, it's more likely it's innocent.

Let's say me and you are friends on FB. I 'like' one of your pictures. That then shows on my wall as HOHOHOP likes Livelys picture. All my FB friends can then see that. They can share it. Also I might appear in your exes 'people you may know' as FB will work out via location/friends that we live near each other or have friends in common.

So just wanted to try to reassure you that it's most likely Innocent and nothing malicious Flowers < from your friends side anyway>

Original poster
LivelySoul · 16/12/2013 13:19

Thanks although it is not the case if someone likes a private picture only if the picture is public which none of mine ever are.

I know he doesn't have a FB page because I know he doesn't even know how to work a computer let alone a FB page. He is 41 a very stuck in his ways and if by some miracle he did have a FB page my profile is still on private and I do not have people I don't know on mine...

Bloody FB eh lol. Would be better off just getting rid but I do like using it. I think I'll just need to be careful what I post going forward.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 16/12/2013 13:25

Just read this thread saw who the op was nearly pissed myself laughing then thought well bugger me that's a bit rich.

BuffyxSummers · 16/12/2013 13:30

Why sock?

Floralnomad · 16/12/2013 13:53

Please explain sock

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/12/2013 13:57

Well she was rather unpleasant to a woman who was talking about stopping contact with her dd and ex yesterday,the op of that post had been assaulted by him 6 weeks ago and at a contact handover been dragged by the hair into another room.

Yet she's on here winging about a photo. Even in the most significant DV situations when a no contact order is made its very very unusually to not have photos provided.

She mentions no missuse of the photos,no court order preventing them. No cp reason that would mean he shouldnt have them.She puts them in the public domain because that's what fb is and complains when he gets hold of one.

Oh and the line about not checking with the parent before you share a photo well they were sharing it with the parent he may be shit but he's still a parent.

Fwiw I don't put photos of my kids on fb but anybody who does does so in the knowledge that they can be shared.

Original poster
LivelySoul · 16/12/2013 14:08

Bloody hell sock I gave an opinion that stopping contact without going through legal channels could cause her problems and that she should explore every option rather than just stopping contact and risk putting herself in a position where a court order could be issued and put that Op in a worse position where she may have to hand Iver more responsibility than she currently does to a an she doesn't trust.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 16/12/2013 14:38

Was that before or after you called her obstructive and implied she was over exaggerating?

Get a grip.

Original poster
LivelySoul · 16/12/2013 14:48

Prior to her saying there had been a violent episode recently I said she was being obstructive by not allowing phone contact when she had said her DD wanted to see her Dad. Once she explained I apologised and said that she maybe should of included that in her original post as the information was relevant.

You have a bone to pick fine but maybe you should of kept it on the relevant post.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 16/12/2013 14:55

Well its directly tied in with this thread given your thoughts about a photo that you put in the public domain that her other parent has obtained.

A photo is less intrusive than a phone call.yet a photo is what you decide to get all upset about.

kinkyfuckery · 16/12/2013 14:57

Also I'm a bit confused as you say at one point that you've had "pictures" described to you, then go on a later post to say that the "picture" he saw was one in particular?