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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH using 2 days annual leave for golf?!

87 replies

Statementpiece · 16/12/2013 10:25

He casually announced yesterday that out of his 15 days annual leave (5 used for Christmas) he will be using 2 separate days to play golf. We have an 8 week old.

Aibu to think he should discuss this with me first?!

OP posts:

pinkdelight · 16/12/2013 12:20

"His mum is controlling so I find it difficult to say no and I told him I didn't want to go and he said it was selfish and out of order. If I don't go with his parents he said its out of order if I then want to go away with my family."

Who cares what he says is selfish and out of order? If you know from his own actions that he is the one who is, in fact, selfish and out of order? Instead of telling him you don't want to go, why not tell him you are not going. Fait accompli. Same as his golfing days off. If they are controlling, you can either be controlled or break out of the pattern. Don't be ground down or this golfing microcosm will be the story of your married life.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 16/12/2013 12:23

We have 3 kids and DH tends to use annual leave for golf. Personally I prefer it because otherwise it is a weekend thing when I prefer to do family time. Everybody needs to get some downtime and that is it for my DH.

Original poster

Statementpiece · 16/12/2013 12:29

Yeh sorry, I really should have given the back story first!

It's nice to have it confirmed that I'm not expecting too much and he is being selfish!

OP posts:

QueNoelle · 16/12/2013 12:30

My friend's DH happily uses his AL for ski trips, sailing trips, coasteering trips etc etc...

Then when the school holidays arrive he miraculously has no AL left and friend has to use all of hers up on childcare.

That is why you have to consult each other about using AL. It is precious.

RemoteControl1 · 16/12/2013 12:45

If things are that bad, I can't help but wonder why you decided to have a child with him...

Mim78 · 16/12/2013 13:00

I must be a bitch because I would objext!

He should have discussed it with you first. And taken no for an answer if you thought it was too much.

I think you need to have a discussion with him about his role generally going by your later post.

If he really wants his golf days definitely make sure you get equal time to yourself.

Original poster

Statementpiece · 16/12/2013 13:42

I guess I never thought all these things were that bad Remote it's always been this way and he's always made me feel like I'm the unreasonable one - plus, I'm constantly told that "that's what men are like" (by family) and that my expectations are too high!

It's hard because I've had this conversation many times since we've had the baby and he helps out for a day then goes straight back to normal. I'm exhausted talking to him about it to be fair!

OP posts:

HermioneWeasley · 16/12/2013 13:59

If he's always been like this then why did you have a child with him?

If you're not happy and he's not going to change, what are you going to do?

The 2 days playing golf is a total red herring.

mrsjay · 16/12/2013 14:06

you really should have ranted more yes what do you say when he follows round with the baby what does he expect you to do, be firm with him it is his baby too and just because you gave birth doesn't give him the right to take the piss, while mother have that bond with baby when we all have a baby nobody really knows what they are doing so parents NEED to support each other YANBU to want and need him to help more

pinkdelight · 16/12/2013 15:50

That's not what men are like. Not decent ones.

Your expectations are not too high.

Don't waste your energy getting exhausted talking to him. It clearly makes no difference and he doesn't talk to you, he takes action - books his golf days, goes on family holidays. You have to do / not do things if he won't listen and play fair. When he follows you around with the baby, don't give in and take the baby back, go out. Go to your mum's without the baby. Leave him in charge. Right now it's only working because he's selfish and you're giving way. To get anywhere near 50/50, you need to be more selfish.

Unless it's like my PiL set-up, where they do everything he wants and my MiL moans about it but has never instigated change in 40+ years so one can only assume that she gets more of a bang out of moaning about it than out of having her own independence and pleasures.

Original poster

Statementpiece · 16/12/2013 16:19

You know what, you are so right! Being more selfish is the only thing I haven't tried and clearly everything I have tried doesn't work. Thank you!

OP posts:

mercibucket · 16/12/2013 16:30

yet again mumsnet amazes me!

the relevance of the newborn is that op is no doubt knackered, desperate to hand over the baby once in a while, looking forward to the odd minute without baby, needing support around the house, needing to split holidays so childcare is cheaper etc etc etc

I'd have gone ballistic but dh wouldn't have dared book 2 days off that wasn't helping the family unit without checking first

dh also wouldn't get away with a day off every week to himself while I had young kids. nowadays I am ok with it, and I have hobbies too, but with babies I felt so trapped and needed all hands on deck at the weekend, not arsing around playing sport

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