Page 3 | DH using 2 days annual leave for golf?!

Statementpiece · 2013-12-16T10:25:21+00:00

He casually announced yesterday that out of his 15 days annual leave (5 used for Christmas) he will be using 2 separate days to play golf. We have an 8 week old. Aibu to think he should discuss this with me first?!

NoComet · 16/12/2013 10:54

Your DC will have a problem with Dad pleating golf every weekend unless your mum's is seriously fun!

BrownSauceSandwich · 16/12/2013 10:55

Baby or no baby, I would be a bit fucked off if I couldn't find two days in the entire year to do whatever I wanted, on my own, or with friends, or whatever. If you'd discussed it first, would you have vetoed that?

I wonder if there's more to this, though... Is he present and engaged weekends and evenings? Or do you feel it's just another symptom of a father who doesn't want to spend time with his child? Do you manage to find time for yourself? Or are you envious that he still has outside interests and social engagements while you have become entirely absorbed by your new baby?

Original poster

Statementpiece · 16/12/2013 10:56

Oh samandi I don't want to go away for 2 weeks - his mother is really controlling and lives up his arse so two weeks of it will make me want to stick pins in my eyes. Maybe I should have mentioned everything in the original post as it's all relevant!

I have had many many many a conversation with him about his selfishness but doesn't make a difference. I'm the only person in the world who has ever pulled him up on anything so am fighting a massive losing battle!

OP posts:

Original poster

Statementpiece · 16/12/2013 11:00

I really couldn't give a crap about my own leisure time! I get to spend time with my mum and brother and his kids doing doing fun things and spending time with my lo is enough for me right now - when I want leisure time, I will have it!

The problem is the lack of help at other times and the total disregard for "family" or "team"

OP posts:

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 16/12/2013 11:00

I think you're being reasonable and I don't even have kids, and no I'm not one of those people who is attached at the hip to their other half etc.

I enjoy my own company, and OH has hobbies that take him away at least one weekend a month, sometimes more, he also does a 'lads' holiday where he goes skiing, my idea of hell.

The thing is he discusses this with me before he books, its a matter of mutual respect. I do the same, its not asking permission it making sure that there's nothing else on, that we're both happy.

With a child in the mix, well the question would be how would he react if you booked a weekend away?

Would he acknowledge that you need down time too?

pinkdelight · 16/12/2013 11:03

Well if he's a selfish twonk from a nightmare family who indulges him and you've hitched your star to his wagon with no hope of sorting it out, then YANBU to complain but only as a way to let off steam. What did you expect? Him to suddenly change into a different man from the one you picked to marry and have a baby with??

If you go along with it all - the golfing, the holiday etc - and really you do not have to selflessly go along with these things, his selfishness is testament to the power of putting one's foot down - then all you can do is organise things so you get support from elsewhere e.g. hire a part-time nanny for a few hours a week so you get some me-time. You clearly can't rely on him.

chemenger · 16/12/2013 11:19

It seems that the golf is not the core of the problem, there has to be give and take - he takes a day to play golf, you have a day (or night) off childcare in return. I am lucky with my dh that he more than pulls his weight when he is here so I really don't feel I have the right to stop him taking the odd day to do what he enjoys. samandi who clipped my last post about rights conveniently omitted the bit where I said he doesn't have the right to stop me doing what I want. Underlying that has to be the feeling that we are equal partners in running the household. That's what the OP lacks.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 11:21

he thinks he is the most important person in the house, and you go along with it

or at least, you have so far

am I speaking a different language...is only the Op not getting what I am saying ?

QueNoelle · 16/12/2013 11:21

YANBU It's not about living in each other's pockets, it's about sharing a resource fairly. Annual leave is precious and not to be wasted. It is selfish of him to book holiday without discussing with you how his AL entitlement will be used throughout the year.

15 days is only three weeks. If you're going away with his parents for two weeks and he's booked two days for himself, he only has three days left for the rest of the year (taking Christmas out of the equation). What if you're ill and you need him to take time off to look after the baby? What if something else comes up that he needs to book holiday for: a funeral for example? Has it occurred to him that you might like a day to yourself? And if you go back to work at the end of the year he'll have no AL left to help with the transition.

If he's playing golf one day every weekend is he giving you time off on the other day? Too often the default seems to be the woman does all the childcare all the time. He is the other parent and should be willing and able to do 50% of the childcare when he is home. He should certainly be able to do look after his child/ren on his own. Time you showed him that I reckon.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 11:24

and yes, you should have explained all the context in your first post

it's no wonder why posters get annoyed with each other...the whole thread is then spent on catch-up, crossed posts, misunderstandings and people rocking up not RTFT

I expect you wanted opinions on that one tiny, isolated snapshot of his behaviour. Nothing happens in a vacuum though, does it ?

crazyspaniel · 16/12/2013 11:28

The golf thing I would not have a problem with (assuming that he also stepped up to allow me two days to do what I wanted). But if I had to spend two out of three weeks' annual leave with my in-laws, I would LTB. That would be torture for me, and I would honestly rather be single.

Tailtwister · 16/12/2013 11:29

I think with a very small baby in the mix things like taking time off for hobbies should be discussed. I'm not saying OP's DH shouldn't go, but he should have talked it over with OP first and then a joint decision would have been made.

DH often has to take days off during the week for golf to play medals and such like, but he'll always talk to me about it first. It's not so much that he's asking my permission as such, but so I can be aware of what's in the diary and plan my time accordingly. When our DC were small he scaled is time off to the bare minimum and I really appreciated that.

samandi · 16/12/2013 11:37

samandi who clipped my last post about rights conveniently omitted the bit where I said he doesn't have the right to stop me doing what I want. Underlying that has to be the feeling that we are equal partners in running the household. That's what the OP lacks.

chemenger - Yes, it depends on how it is discussed between the couple and how much time the hobby takes up. I think it is perfectly within someone's rights to stop them doing what they want if it is an unreasonable amount of time away from a family.

samandi · 16/12/2013 11:39

Oh samandi I don't want to go away for 2 weeks - his mother is really controlling and lives up his arse so two weeks of it will make me want to stick pins in my eyes.

Well, don't go then. It's very peculiar for a grown woman to go on a holiday with her in-laws when she really doesn't want to. It's NOT NORMAL. You need to sort this out NOW.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 16/12/2013 11:40

I don't see the problem, golf once a week while you are at your mothers and 2 days AL to himself don't seems a lot TBH.

He comes home from work and does dinner, I hope that after your ML he will take up a lot more household chores.

pinkdelight · 16/12/2013 11:41

Hear hear, Samandi!

Unexpected · 16/12/2013 11:49

Did I miss the explanation of how someone only gets 15 days leave? Are you in the UK? If so, 15 days plus statutory holidays doesn't meet minimum requirements. And if he is using 5 days for Christmas and you are supposed to be going away with your ILs for two weeks, he doesn't even have 2 days left to play golf?! If going away with your ILs will use up all of A/L, just say no for heaven's sake! Why would this seem like a good idea? It means you, as a couple, have no chance of spending even a day together, taking a day off for a wedding etc.

Oh and if he continues to follow you around with the baby when you are having a bath - lock the bathroom door!

MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 11:52

No, you haven't missed the AL explanation. Op hasn't responded to the question.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 16/12/2013 11:55

He isn't working as a team and he's treating you like crap (still).

Those saying surely he's entitled to spend two days doing what he wants - well, he is already spending one day every weekend (and more) doing what he wants.

Most people, in a relationship, discuss annual leave and especially so when they have children. Of course having a baby is relevant. When the OP goes back to work both of them using their annual leave to look after the baby if it isn't well might be necessary or just so the baby isn't in childcare full time.

Discussion is part and parcel of having a family together, but no-one else's needs ever seem to hit his radar. I don't understand why you are still with him - pack him off to his mother's, I bloody well would.

Original poster

Statementpiece · 16/12/2013 11:58

Quenoelle hallelujah!

His mum is controlling so I find it difficult to say no and I told him I didn't want to go and he said it was selfish and out of order. If I don't go with his parents he said its out of order if I then want to go away with my family.

Thanks for all your help and judgements!

OP posts:

Statementpiece · 16/12/2013 12:00

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MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 12:01

You asked for opinions. < shrug >

Fleta · 16/12/2013 12:03

moans that's he's always tired (stays up watching films till gone 12, has to be up at 5) is he having trouble sleeping? Is he watching the films to wind down? Get to the bottom of why he does this - not in an accusatory way but to find out whether he could try anything else to get a better night's sleep

When holding baby to give me a break, unless baby is asleep he follows me around the house even when I'm in the bath have you found out why?

Doesn't do anything around the house apart from Cook dinner and spends most time after work on his iPad He probably sees cooking dinner as a fair share - have you set out a reasonable list of things you'd like him to do?

Has one day each weekend to himself when he plays golf so I go to my mums. Does this bother you? If so, you need to tell him and maybe make a reasonable compromise - one weekend golf, one weekend family time

My annoyance is that I may have to return to work later on in the year so he could have been saving holiday to look after the lo whilst I worked but this wasn't even a consideration for him! Have you discussed being the childcare if you go back to work? One partner saving leave to do childcare doesn't seem a longterm workable situation

Maybe I'm being unreasonable because he isn't very supportive and I haven't slept for 5 days but HE's tired! Honestly I think you ARE very tired and you need a decent sleep. Ask him to book another day to give you a break / take a day's break at a weekend

Original poster

Statementpiece · 16/12/2013 12:03

I did, you're right! I naively was expecting opinions without rudeness and don't believe I asked for opinions on why posters get annoyed on posts! (Didn't know people got annoyed about other people's question)

OP posts:

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 16/12/2013 12:13

Oh OP.

Why on earth didn't you give us the bigger picture in your OP?

Taking 2 days off for golf isn't a problem for most people if the person is usually supportive and an equal partner. What you've gone on to describe isn't a supportive partner who is taking on his fair share of responsibilities of running a household or being a new parent.

What worries me is that you seem to think that he's going to change so that when you decide you want some leisure time he'll suddenly slot in and allow you that time. I get that with a small baby, you'll have time to yourself while they sleep but how long will you be happy with that for?

Things aren't going to change if you don't spell out to him what needs doing - either to run the house or to look after your dc and how much he needs to be doing to keep the partnership running smoothly.

Good luck - it sounds like a bit of a challenge!