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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH using 2 days annual leave for golf?!

87 replies

Statementpiece · 16/12/2013 10:25

He casually announced yesterday that out of his 15 days annual leave (5 used for Christmas) he will be using 2 separate days to play golf. We have an 8 week old.

Aibu to think he should discuss this with me first?!

OP posts:
PenguinsDontEatStollen · 16/12/2013 10:40

I don't see the problem in principle with using the two days this way, but the OP doesn't say she has an issue with the principle. It's the lack of discussion and consideration.

There is a world of difference between: "I'm thinking of using two days of my holiday to play golf on X and Y. That ok with you?" and "I'm using two days to play golf"

WinterWinds · 16/12/2013 10:40

I don't see a problem either, Dh takes some of his days leave for golf throughout the year. He cant take time over Christmas but I don't have an issue with this
He also takes a few days in the summer (to mind the dc's) so I can take my mum on holiday.
We both need time out, I wouldn't expect all his leave to be used for family time.

Is there more to this, why is it a problem?

HumphreyCobbler · 16/12/2013 10:41

a small baby is pretty time consuming for the op

with older children the situation would be a little different i think

samandi · 16/12/2013 10:42

I think having an eight week old is pretty relevant (and I don't have kids).

DP never books annual leave without discussing with me - we both tend to assume spare time is spent on holiday together.

If we had a kid and I was a SAHM then I would expect him to help out with childcare as part of his annual leave.

OP, I would book myself the equivalent annual leave and swan off doing what you want to do.

HumphreyCobbler · 16/12/2013 10:42

so he plays golf every weekend already?

he should not be using his holiday for this, what if you need to go away at some point?

whatever5 · 16/12/2013 10:43

It's impossible to say whether it's reasonable without knowing your individual circumstances.

Has he booked it yet? If not then he is discussing it with you now isn't he? I would want him to wait until the baby was at least four months (and hopefully sleeping during most of the night) and I would expect to have a two day holiday as well (as soon as was practical).

HumphreyCobbler · 16/12/2013 10:43

he sounds selfish imo

PeterParkerSays · 16/12/2013 10:43

For me, it would depend if he's going away to play golf, so will have to pay for the hotel etc. and leave you at home with a tiny baby and no support. If he is going away, could you and baby go with him?

So long as he's clear that once the baby gets to school age he will need to use his annual leave to help cover school holidays, I wouldn't have a problem with him using some on golf now.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 10:45

There's a general pattern of selfishness and not pulling his weight then ? Why didn't you say that ?

You have a history of putting up with it ? Why ? If you keep going long with his idea that he is the most important person in the household at all times, then this is all you are going to get, I am afraid

Original poster
Statementpiece · 16/12/2013 10:45

We're also supposed to be using 2 weeks to go away with his parents!

And yes, he plays golf every weekend which I have no problem with!

OP posts:
MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 10:45

along

pinkdelight · 16/12/2013 10:46

Having a newborn can be taxing I know, but it can also involve lovely long stints of cuddling/breastfeeding whilst watching movies and boxsets and many, many happy hours that easily eclipse 2 days of golfing. If he's working full-time, I wouldn't begrudge him some leisure, as long as he does his share of the baby stuff too and you get some babyfree time out at the weekends and on his other days off.

chemenger · 16/12/2013 10:46

Having a dh who has at various times hillwalked, skied, climbed, mountain biked and now golfs I would say two days is getting off lightly. It is irritating, I would be the first to admit it, but the alternative is telling him to drop an activity he enjoys very much and I don't have that right. I spend just as much time with my nose in a book, and I would not give that up for him.

Original poster
Statementpiece · 16/12/2013 10:47

You have a history of putting up with it ? Why ? If you keep going long with his idea that he is the most important person in the household at all times, then this is all you are going to get, I am afraid

Please translate?

OP posts:
samandi · 16/12/2013 10:47

Just saw second post.

OP, I don't think you need to rant more. I don't understand the attitude here of most posters that it's ok to swan off and leave the stay at home parent to do all the work, when they don't have the same opportunity.

He doesn't sound the most adult person in the world. One day every weekend is a large chunk of time when you have a family - I/DP certainly wouldn't be ok with that.

And yes, it would have been prudent for him to have saved leave, but this is all something that needs to be discussed, not presumed on either part.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 10:49

If I have to "translate" my post, then there is more of an issue about your relationship being unequal than I originally thought Shock

samandi · 16/12/2013 10:49

Having a dh who has at various times hillwalked, skied, climbed, mountain biked and now golfs I would say two days is getting off lightly. It is irritating, I would be the first to admit it, but the alternative is telling him to drop an activity he enjoys very much and I don't have that right.

Of course someone has that right if it is not reciprocated. Having a family means compromising! But presumably people generally discuss these things BEFORE they have kids.

WinterWinds · 16/12/2013 10:50

Sorry X posted.
I understand why you are annoyed, it sound's like you need a break to catch up on much needed sleep.

Its his attitude rather than booking the leave for playing golf. You need to tell him that you need a rest and he has to pull his weight with the baby.
He is a parent too and all the responsibility should not be down to you alone. Theres only so much you can do alone without crashing completely.
Kick his arse into gear!!!!

Original poster
Statementpiece · 16/12/2013 10:50

Thank you Humphreycobbler and samandi

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 16/12/2013 10:50

Sorry, only just seen your subsequent rant. Well then he's a dick. Why d'you let him get away with it? The golf is not the problem though. It's a symptom of the bigger problem. If you focus on the golf, you're going to look unreasonable. If the problem is he's useless, takes the piss, and doesn't get that parenting is a partnership, then you need to sort it out. A fine quote from Dustin Hoffman has always stuck in my mind: "The secret of a successful marriage is a man who is scared shitless of his wife."

samandi · 16/12/2013 10:50

OP, not sure why you didn't mention the two weeks before. Is that something you want to do or not? If not, then you really need to learn to speak up for yourself.

samandi · 16/12/2013 10:51

No worries. Have been fairly astonished at some of these posts.

Original poster
Statementpiece · 16/12/2013 10:53

Merryfuckingchristmas

I don't understand what "if you keep going long with this idea" means?

Also, when did I give the impression that he was the most important person in the house?!

OP posts:
whereisshe · 16/12/2013 10:53

I think a good rule in these situations is equal leisure time for both parties. Since looking after a small baby is hard work, any t

whereisshe · 16/12/2013 10:54

Oopsy accidentally hit post.

What I was going to say is any time you're looking after the baby isn't leisure time. So add up his golf iPad etc time and your leisure time. You may then need to have a chat to him about equally balancing your mutual workload I suspect.