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AIBU?

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Original poster

Requests for gifts with the fucking wedding invite.

319 replies

intothenever · 16/12/2013 06:10

HOW is this socially acceptable? How? Family and friends, Please join us as we celebrate our love and commit to spend our lives together. Enclosed is a list of things we would like you to buy us. 1000 times worse when the demand for gifts is in rhyming couplets.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyHat · 16/12/2013 12:20

Oh for goodness sake, don't buy anything from it if you don't want to. It's tradition, has been for decades, if you don't like it then ignore it.

We must be terribly reasonable as we enjoy our friends we'd is, are happy to buy gifts and don't begrudge having to sped money on hotels/ travel and we can say the same for them about our wedding. What lucky people we all are to have such non judgemental friendships with one another.

MaidOfStars · 16/12/2013 12:21

Lesshaste why no to charity donations? Just interested to hear your point of view.

Have never been that keen on being told where to give my charity money. I don't expect anyone else to necessarily agree with or support my charity choices, and expect similar discretion in return.

I'm sure a lot of the time, it wouldn't be problematic. But there ARE some charities I deliberately avoid giving to, for what I feel are very good reasons. I'd be very torn if I received a request to donate to such a charity in lieu of gifts to the happy couple (of course, if I give them a cash gift, and they donate that to said charity, there's nothing I can do about it Wink).

*sits back and waits for flaming, or (from previous experience) accusations that I am a selfish uncharitable bitch who wants people to die of cancer...

Brodicea · 16/12/2013 12:26

Hear Hear whereismyhat

I don't mind if they want gifts or money or vouchers or whatever - it's traditional to buy people presents when you go to their wedding. How crawling and indirect do you want people to be?? It's totally socially acceptable in my book - it's their bloody wedding FFS.

The bosom hoiking on here gets really annoying - there is clearly no pleasing some people!

Crowler · 16/12/2013 12:32

We must be terribly reasonable as we enjoy our friends we'd is, are happy to buy gifts and don't begrudge having to sped money on hotels/ travel and we can say the same for them about our wedding. What lucky people we all are to have such non judgemental friendships with one another.

The same exact thing is true of me and my friends with whom I did the "circuit" in our 20's/30's. But without any mention of gifts in the invite.

snowed · 16/12/2013 12:38

Has anyone said they don't want to buy a gift, or that they begrudge doing so in the slightest?

The debate is on whether lists should be included with the invitation or whether it's more polite to wait to be asked what you would like.

soverylucky · 16/12/2013 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tapiocapearl · 16/12/2013 12:59

If it means I can get a needed gift, that's great!

Marylou2 · 16/12/2013 13:19

Unfortunately it is common in both senses of the word to do this.

PosyNarker · 16/12/2013 13:37

I love these wedding threads. Only on Mumsnet do you see people competing as to how non-grabby they are.

In real life:

  • Going to a wedding without a gift is tight
  • Not buying a gift where you normally would because the couple / individual are what you perceive to be well off is tight
  • Complaining about a couple using their wedding to upgrade their dishes or whatever is really miserable. So if you get married at 21, the family buy you nice things to set up home. If you don't meet your intended until 31, you should just be glad you bought all that Ikea shite and make do with it!

Of course you shouldn't over-extend your budget and I do think wedding lists should have items to suit a range of budgets.

When I get married I intend to commit the sin of asking for gifts, while being a high earner in an established home. I'll also 'expect' that most attendees will buy one. I'm expecting Mumsnetters outside with cats bum faces waving pitchforks at this rate Grin

JoinYourPlayfellows · 16/12/2013 13:41

"When I get married I intend to commit the sin of asking for gifts, while being a high earner in an established home."

It's not a sin, so much as a complete lack of even the most basic manners.

Which people will remark upon and think badly of you for in real life.

But maybe you are proud of being tacky and looking greedy and having people cringe when they open your wedding invitation and feeling embarrassed for you.

Ragwort · 16/12/2013 13:46

Maid - your view is interesting but I much, much prefer charity gifts. At my age Grin, I am now being invited to second if not third time around weddings and yes, I am one of these guests who will not take a present. Sometimes I have already been to the first wedding and given a gift. So I am much happier with a charity gift, even if it is a charity I don't support I accept it with good grace because this is what the happy couple have chosen. Not giving to a charity of their choice is a bit like not giving someone their choice of dinner service because you don't like it Confused.

The best charity wedding gift is the one for condoms (oxfam I think) - I have given this to someone who already had about five children from different relationships Grin.

I am second time around married myself and just invited five people to our wedding, strictly no gifts - I never heard if anyone was 'offended' not to have been invited, think it is unlikely.

MrsCakesPremonition · 16/12/2013 13:47

"Which people will remark upon and think badly of you for in real life."

I have never, ever met anybody in RL who has remarked on wedding gift etiquette except elderly relatives putting pressure on couples to provide a traditional list because it is the done thing. I have never met anyone in RL who admits to eternally judging someone on their gift list.

PosyNarker · 16/12/2013 13:48

Join Good attempt to insult me. I'll just ignore that part of your post as lacking the most basic manners etc.

Even Debrett's says gift lists are fine. I see no problem with them as long as they are not compulsory and there is a range on there to suit all tastes & budgets.

Personally I think having a wedding registry does everyone a favour. I'd rather give my friends something they want than something they really don't like and only get out when I'm round or hold onto until they can reasonably re-gift / charity shop it.

limitedperiodonly · 16/12/2013 13:48

Only on Mumsnet do you see people competing as to how non-grabby they are

posynarker Not me. I've posted on these threads before about how acquisitive I am and how I did judge the well-off couple who bought me a non-list pair of salmon pink hand towels and then expressed amazement that their food and drink was paid for (of course) and they only had to stick their hands in the pockets for the wife's new tights. I fell down a bit there. I should have bought them Wink

Of course, I just wanted the pleasure of their company. Well, his, but sadly they came as a pair.

Crowler · 16/12/2013 14:02

I am shocked to know that Debrett's gives this the OK. I had previously considered some of their positions to be positively archaic but here they've gone bonkers modern.

I have never received a wedding invite with a gift list inside. However, I think I've only been to one or two weddings in the UK.

HesterShaw · 16/12/2013 14:04

Oh God, this again.

It is generally the norm to buy a gift for a couple who have invited you to their wedding. Why not get something they have use for?

WHAT? IS? THE? BIG? FUCKING? DEAL?

Scholes34 · 16/12/2013 14:18

I remember when a colleague 20 years ago won on the football pools and decided to give up her job. She threw a party for us, we had a whip round to buy her a gift. Buying a gift for someone is a nice thing to do. Doesn't really matter how much money they have.

angeltulips · 16/12/2013 14:20

We had a list - mostly because we got married in a different continent from where we loved (my home town, before anyone gets all DESTINATION WEDDING HOW INCONSIDERATE about it) & if people had turned up w gifts we would have had to pay exorbitant shipping costs to get gifts back home.

No one seemed to mind, but perhaps they were all cursing our graspish-ness behind our backs?

snowed · 16/12/2013 14:27

I am shocked to know that Debrett's gives this the OK.

Debrett's isn't as good as it used to be IMHO. In many cases, it describes what most people do, rather than what's necessarily good manners. Look in one of the older ones for more sensible advice.

snowed · 16/12/2013 14:30

Oh and Debrett's also suggest "Save the Date" cards on their website... but that's another thread Grin

Crowler · 16/12/2013 14:31

I'm not a follower of Debrett's, snowed - I can't even remember the last time I confronted an issue of etiquette. I think slavish devotion to these sorts of things is a bit outdated.

I'm curious; what is the typical reason an adult would reach for Debrett's apart from a wedding?

angeltulips · 16/12/2013 14:32

*lived

Crowler · 16/12/2013 14:32

You've got to send a save the date if the majority of your guests are out of town. I consider that common sense rather then etiquette.

HesterShaw · 16/12/2013 14:33

What the chuff is Debretts and will it bring anything to my life?

Crowler · 16/12/2013 14:36

Debrett's is the accepted UK (and beyond? I don't know?) etiquette authority.

We have Emily Post in the US.