Requests for gifts with the fucking wedding invite.

[intothenever]

HOW is this socially acceptable? How? Family and friends, Please join us as we celebrate our love and commit to spend our lives together. Enclosed is a list of things we would like you to buy us. 1000 times worse when the demand for gifts is in rhyming couplets.

We got married over 10 years ago and didn't include the gift list as we felt it was rude. Anyone asking was immediately directed to list 428 at Debenhams where the cheapest gift was £1. (We were students at the time.) gifts involved things such as bedding, china, cutlery etc as we hadn't lived together so it was getting us set up in our home.

Yay us! Totally got it right etiquette wise right???

Oh no.......

Got a very cross note back from Aunty C (this was pre email days!) saying "as you obviously couldn't be bothered to do a gift lift for the benefit of your guests I assume that a cheque will be sufficient."

It's normal to have a gift list. Helps rellies avoid buying two toasters etc or an item the couple already have.

We had two lists with two different shops. With items ranging from £5 upwards. Lots of people clubbed together to buy larger items. And we had several people who chose to get a gift not on the list but they knew we wanted.

The gift list is a suggestion. To help you get the couple something they really need.

I'd much rather receive a wedding list than be trying to make a stab in the dark at what the couple might like. Requests for money don't sit so well with me, though I have given a cheque to one couple who were students and would be moving round student accommodation etc for a few years so didn't really know what they needed yet.

"And of course no one would tell you in RL that something is rude, for that in itself would be appallingly rude. Silence does not indicate approval. And just because something is common does not make it right."

Frankly that just doesn't apply to ALL the people I know and whose weddings I have been to. ALL of them have sent gift lists with the invitation; SOME of them have had money requests for specific reasons. I'm assuming (fairly obviously) that if ANY of them thought it was rude they wouldn't bloody well do it themselves, now would they.

Crowler
I don't think anyone does hand out lists any more. I haven't seen one since the 1990s photocopied-and-posted-around-by-MIL ones

The totally normal/accepted/usual thing is for 1 sentence on the information bit saying 'if you want to buy us a gift, we have a list at John Lewis, number 12345'

You can then go onto the john lewis website or into a store and see a list of all the things they want. When you buy something, it is then removed from the list. So if you are the sort of person to leave things to the last minute, you only get the 'dregs' to chose from and have no way of knowing what was on there previously. If you get in there early, you see the whole list.

I never cease to be baffled as to how this hugely convenient and no-hassle way of doing things seems to make otherwise normal people VERY ANGRY on here.

What's wrong with a list? I'd far rather get something that the couple wanted and wouldn't get duplicated from a list. Interesting that the
OP has not come back after nearly 3 pages of posters disagreeing.

I think it is rude to send the gift list with the invitation. When DH and I were married we were the first grand children to do so and we put a card in saying if anyone wanted directions, accommodation details or the gift list to call PIL. No pressure then.

However, that just means it is a pain in the arse for your poor PIL having to field all of those calls and a hassle for your guests having to put in the extra leg work to find out how to even get to your wedding, just because you thought it was 'rude' to put in a printed bit of paper with all the information on.

Lol @ openerofjars 'It's a wedding invitation, not a declaration of war.' So true. I do enjoy threads like this though; seeing people getting all steamed up on mn about People Who Expect A Present. Hilarious

Wedding lists are a bit of a nightmare, the cheap stuff more affordable things go v quickly. Weddings are so expensive for the guests anyway, hotels, new outfits, days off work, babysitters, hen/stag etc. you can end up feeling a little resentful spending an another £50 on some denby dish from jl that you just really can't afford.

At a recent wedding, the b&g suggested donations to a particular charity which I thought was lovely.

I had a wedding list. I'd say 90% of people used it, it was totally depleted. I said nothing about it in my invites, though - they asked me, my sister, etc.

NO to any gift request included in invitations.
NO to money poems.
MAYBE to creating a list (which may include cash) to make available when guests enquire.
NO to donations to your favourite charity in lieu of gifts.

MaidOfStars why no to charity donations? Just interested to hear your point of view.

It may be acceptable but that doesn't mean it isn't appalling.

Almost as bad as the 'a' list/'b'list divide you get at weddings.

YABU it has always been the tradition to enclose a gift list in the Wedding invite. DH and I've been married for 29 years and we did this. It doesn't matter if you don't buy a gift but if you want to then a list is helpful.

And people who complain about what's on the list. One couple asked for a very expensive dinner service - plates were about £30 each.

The number of fellow guests who were bitching about how 'entitled' they were (yes, I fucking hate that Mumsnet word) when I took it that you could buy them a plate, or maybe two, and then they'd buy the rest of the service afterwards.

When I explained that, they then moaned: 'I don't want to buy just one plate. That looks mean. I think I'll get them some towels from M&S instead.'

if i got married again i'd say, if anyone asked, either a donation to a charity (for a nice thing) or some scratch cards for me/us (so easy to wrap and i will buy my own plates thank you very much)

i hate gift lists. so rude. it's basic etiquette in my opinion.

YANBU. It's not traditional, normal or polite to enclose a gift list with an invitation.

An invitation is offering your hospitality. There should be no mention of presents at all. And a twee poem doesn't make it acceptable to do this either!

If people ask for suggestions, you can then send them ideas or a list.

We had a list. We put a line at the bottom of the directions sheet just saying if guests wished to see it we had a wedding gift list at ...

We did think about asking people to contact my parents, but that was just extra hassle for them when they had enough to do already. If you don't include details of a list you just get loads of enquiries as to where it is.

IME gift lists are quite normal and I prefer to buy something the couple actually wants rather than wracking my brain to think of something, especially if I don't know them particularly well. I think the trick is to ensure that there's a wide range of gifts from £10 and under to the more expensive things close relatives might want to buy. A dinner service is also great as people can buy a plate or tea cup. Nobody is expected to buy the entire thing!

I don't understand people's objection tbh. There's no obligation to buy anything, but if you do and you want an indication of what the couple might like then you can look at the gift list.

The only rude thing about a gift list is when ALL the gifts are ridiculously expensive (seen only ONE of those in my 40+ years). That bride came from a very well-off family though and seemed oblivious to "normal" people's levels of income etc. Marriage didn't last more than a couple of years either.

Rolling eyes!
What next?
Are we going to start the litany about having to fork out for travel expenses, and a new outfit? Oh how about the babysitiing arrangements…soooo unpractical!
Why just not politely decline the invitation if you have an issue?

I have no objection to wedding present lists, but I don't like them being sent out with the invitations. I've learned to swallow that one though because I realise that I'm out of step with the majority.
I like the lists at stores although they bring their own problems. The last time we bought a gift this way we had no thank you and we still don't know if they actually got it. It seems like a good scam for a dishonest delivery driver. If such people exist.

YANBU. We included a link to our wedding website, which had more information including a link to our registry. Guests could also ask our attendants or parents. We didn't include a gift list in the invite because the invite is about requesting the guest's presence, not presents.

MasterOfTheYoniverse! I think we should tbh.

We have 2 weddings to go to this year. One is costing us an absolute fortune, no list but request for cash in the invite. No option to decline as dd was asked to be a bridesmaid (she has been waiting for such an invite for years), without checking with us first. Hotel is costing £240, bridesmaid outfit £150 so far. And we have said no to all the pre/post meals, hen/stag do's abroad, spa treatments, planning lunches etc, and as such have been perceived to be a little 'miserable'.

The other wedding has been thoughtfully arranged to minimise costs to the guests. Relaxed dress code, very lovely note in the invite stating no gifts, or cash, or donations etc. kids invited, but not on invitation so we can choose to bring them or not. Near to affordable hotels.

Really looking forward to the second one.

Is it the done thing to expect bridesmaids/parents of bridesmaids to buy the "wear once only" outfit?

No Scholes, it isn't. The bride or her family should be buying the bridesmaid's outfits, or paying at least half for them.