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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Requests for gifts with the fucking wedding invite.

319 replies

intothenever · 16/12/2013 06:10

HOW is this socially acceptable? How? Family and friends, Please join us as we celebrate our love and commit to spend our lives together. Enclosed is a list of things we would like you to buy us. 1000 times worse when the demand for gifts is in rhyming couplets.

OP posts:
intothenever · 17/12/2013 06:39

PinkFondantFancy I'm not English and invite is common parlance here. You are quite correct that invite is not technically a noun. My apologies for offending your sensibilities.

OP posts:
saintlyjimjams · 17/12/2013 06:50

You're over thinking riceburner. If someone hasn't seen you in 20 years & you've been invited they're obviously having a huge wedding & have invited every man and his dog. It doesn't matter what reason you give for not attending - they just want to know whether you'll be there or not to sort out their finances. And a save the date card doesn't 'trap' you - you can say no still.

My mother & her generation hyperventilate without a wedding list so I always inwardly curse when someone doesn't send one as I'll have weeks of my mother wondering who to t

saintlyjimjams · 17/12/2013 06:51

To ring/what to buy etc

meditrina · 17/12/2013 06:53

DSis was married 20 or so years ago, and definitely did not send out a list with the invitations, because it was so rude and grabby. It wasn't universal then by any stretch to ask for a gift before someone has indicated they are minded to offer one.

There was a list, though, but only for those who actually asked for it.

I don't think anyone objects to having a list per se. And no-one would criticise you to your face about sending out a pre-emptive "gimme" request (just people generally don't day what they really think of other aspects of your wedding, clothes/appearance in general, or choice of DC names etc, etc)

Lists are sensible. Sending them to people before they ask for one is rude.

saintlyjimjams · 17/12/2013 07:05

God I hate having to contact unknown in laws to track down whether there is a gift list- just put the bloody thing in with the invitation or put a link to a website where I can find out. I want to bring a gift, I don't want to spend hours working out what to give. If I'm declining the invitation (in a socially acceptable way rather than insisting on telling the truth) then I'll ignore the gift list.

The only think I request of a gift list is that it has a wide range of prices. We ended up with 2 rolling pins because 3 impoverished student friends went for the £1.99 option - but one was too embarrassed to declare it to Debenhams on purchase) this was in the days before you could do anything like that online). I told him not to be a doughnut & he didn't have to buy anything. Think of him every time I use my rolling pin (we were young & setting up home together do ticking some mumsnet etiquette boxes there).

Honestly only on mumsnet...

saintlyjimjams · 17/12/2013 07:06

2 people for 2 rolling pins...

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 17/12/2013 07:44

People's language on here is so harsh - people with lists are grabby, greedy, grasping, rude, embarrassing, on and on. Well, do you know what really is graceless and vulgar? It's when someone values you enough to invite you to their wedding and you respond by insulting them anonymously on the internet.

lessonsintightropes · 17/12/2013 08:39

Way to drip feed OP. If you're travelling overseas then unless they are family or equivalent I don't think the etiquette is to buy a present, particularly given the non-delivery.

However I second what Jellyandcake said - how hurt do you think the bride would be if she could read this nasty rant?

winkywinkola · 17/12/2013 08:43

Hear hearJelly.

So many seem to resent helping couples set up in life.

Don't go to wedding if gifts make you so bitter.

Simple.

Ragwort · 17/12/2013 08:46

Seriously, you do not have to take a gift. If the wedding is overseas then quite honestly your friends should be delighted you have accepted and are grateful for your presance.

All this angst over weddings .............. why do people accept the invitations if they result in so much heartache; I have quite happily sent 'regrets' to a number of wedding invitations, no one is remotely offended if you don't go probably pleased to save money.

To the Op. further up who is a struggling student, surely a 'good friend' would accept that your financial circumstances make it difficult for you to attend her wedding and would hate to think that by going you are putting yourself into even more financial difficulties. Just.say.no.I.am.unable.to.attend.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 17/12/2013 08:51

I wasn't just referring to the OP, it's more the irony of all the people gasping outrage at the terrible social faux pas of including a gift list with invitations but being totally unaware of how unpleasant it is to criticise one's friends and family in such a vitriolic fashion on a public forum.

I think good manners are rooted in consideration for others. Therefore including the gift list is good manners - those who wish to buy a gift can do so without having to go to any extra trouble but there is no pressure to buy anything (all the wording I have seen is along the lines of 'we do not expect a gift, however, if anyone wishes to buy one the list is at.. ). There is nothing good-mannered about complaining that your hosts are grasping, rude, awful people when they are in fact doing what most people do.

HaveAFestiveLittleChristmas · 17/12/2013 09:06

The people with an issue about gift lists have never been in receipt of 5 toasters, three electric blankets, two dreadful sets of china, two "heirloom" items that you couldn't give away with a packet of cereal, seven sets of glasses not one of which matched the other, one ornament that probably was given away by a cereal company, three carving sets, three sets of cutlery (none matching), plus two tablecloths which didn't fit the dining table, & a set of odd glass things which we could never work out a use for.
And no bloody receipts.

Gift lists are a blessing for the couple, although it took me a short while to get over the initial "entitled" reaction when they first appeared on the scene.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 17/12/2013 09:15

I still think getting het up over a distinction between "I'm not keen due to distance" and "It's too far for me to come" is splitting hairs. AFAICS they mean the same thing. After all, the only people who really and truly CAN'T make a wedding are those in intensive care on life support, or possibly astronauts whose tour of duty on the space station had already started when the date was announced. Everyone else is just choosing to give priority to something else, whether that be another social engagement, or not making a 12-hour round trip by train, or keeping their job by not taking unauthorised leave, or having money to spend on something else, or watching re-runs of Grand Designs on television.

If you've lost touch with your friends to such an extent that they wouldn't know whether you were on life support or in outer space then you probably shouldn't be attending the wedding anyway. Otherwise, there's nothing wrong with using "can't", "too far" or "too expensive" in their generally-accepted meanings of "not actually a physical impossibility, but on balance under the circumstances impractical / too far / too expensive."

saintlyjimjams · 17/12/2013 09:25

As someone has already said you don't actually usually give the reason anyway. You give apologies for bring unable to attend & then you wish the happy couple well.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 17/12/2013 10:33

There's a distinct lack of generosity of spirit and purse around weddings.
Tbh, I feel stressed at the thought of lavish overseas hens and stags because they put so much pressure on guests, and I can see that weddings do require some input from guests.
However, The nicest ppl I know are the ones who are always pleased to receive an invite to a wedding. They are happy for the couple because they love/ like them and feel chuffed to be included in the celebrations. They look forward to the day, plan what to wear and are mindful to choose a gift that suits the B&G along with their own budget.
The miserable bastards I know are griping about the B&G before they've even opened the envelope. They should probably send out a memo with their Christmas cards (of they do them) reminding everyone to never invite them to a wedding.
I think I like the happy ones best.

emblosion · 17/12/2013 10:39

Meh. Gift list normal surely? If you don't want to go send regrets, end of.

I don't think it's at all rude to have a list - there's no obligation attached to it. If you don't want to buy a gift, well, don't.

Snowbility · 17/12/2013 13:28

When we got married we knew lots of people would have to travel, many by plane and stay a couple of nights in a hotel, it was simply too much to expect a gift from them as well. I really wanted as many people to come as possible, the gifts were fairly irrelevant.
I have bought from a gift list but the experience feels as empty as handing over a cheque - no thought required....now I just hand over the chq.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 17/12/2013 14:19

I don't like fake We just want you there but if you really want to give us something then money towards X would be lovely. If you want money, just ask.

A cousin was adamant she didn't want anything and didn't make any alternative suggestions. Much more genuine.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 17/12/2013 14:42

But Toffee perhaps it is genuine - they won't mind if people can't afford/don't want to give a gift but are happy to accept gifts from those who want to give them. I have never been to a wedding where I didn't want to give something. If you assume your friends and family are being 'fake' and grasping then it doesn't sound like you like them very much. It doesn't make someone morally superior because they are 'adamant' about not receiving gifts. A lot of guests genuinely want to give!

limitedperiodonly · 17/12/2013 16:13

You give presents to people because you want to make them happy, don't you? And you give them what you want, rather than what you think is best.

There are conventions about the giving of presents - birthdays, Christmas, weddings, Christenings, confirmations and dinner/housewarming parties with a bottle of wine or box of chocolates in my book.

Other people might think of other occasions.

I still think badly of the couple who could afford a decent present but turned up to my wedding, paid for in entirety by my mother, with a couple of cheap towels.

I detected a bit of: 'Limited's an entitled cow with her list and fancy-pants wedding. Let's rummage in the unwanted presents pile for her.'

No matter. My wedding was fantastic. Our generosity, or rather my mother's, to our guests was fantastic. Their response was poor. They were embarrassed by their mean present and undoubtedly mean sentiments, so they bloody well should have been.

I was the picture of serenity while I accepted their mumbled apologies Grin

And before anyone says I was an entitled cow for letting my mother pay: she was brooking no argument. That's the way it goes in my family. I've paid her back with other things over the years so feel my account is settled.

limitedperiodonly · 17/12/2013 16:15

Sorry you give them what they want

Anything else is arrogance and it would be better to give nothing.

Crowler · 17/12/2013 16:30

Is there actually anyone who objects to a wedding list?

Very few.

It's the inclusion in the invitation that's rankling to some.

I agree it's an act of hubris to give someone you don't know well something that YOU think is great.

I love buying presents. I love going to weddings. But I find the mention of a gift in an invitation to be unpleasant.

I don't think it's done very much outside of the UK. I may be wrong.

Topseyt · 17/12/2013 18:09

I got married in 1993. We had a wedding gift list with M & S.

We didn't put the list as such in with the invitation, but included a little card stating where our list could be found IF guests wished to use it.

My own parents were totally horrified at the idea of a "wedding list" at all (which I had anticipated, and had therefore presented to them as a fait accompli). They were of the opinion that "you cannot possibly do something like that, its rude and nobody will want to use that!!" They actually then quietly used the list themselves and bought several of the major items on it. So did the wider family they had insisted would be so against the idea. All used the list, and all said they liked it for guidance.

No further criticisms were ever made of my wedding list, and when my sister got married a few years later she had one which was accepted without any questions.

Wedding lists don't tie guests to using them, and not all do. They are guidance, and there is NO reason why they cannot be mentioned in the invitation. It is normal. Use it if you want to. Do your own thing if you want to, but then you risk getting something the couple either already have or didn't want anyway.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 17/12/2013 18:33

jellyandcake - I take offence at your assumption. I was not talking about anyone I know, I was giving an opinion.

Shesalwaysright · 17/12/2013 18:42

Seem to me to be very sensible to send a gift list with the invites. Otherwise the poor guests have got to go through hassle of ringing up to find out what the couple want AND whichever poor sod holds the list has got to handle 50 upwards phone calls from people wanting to know what the happy couple would like. If you're not going, or no longer know them ell, just send them a card. Hardly seems a major issue.

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