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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Requests for gifts with the fucking wedding invite.

319 replies

intothenever · 16/12/2013 06:10

HOW is this socially acceptable? How? Family and friends, Please join us as we celebrate our love and commit to spend our lives together. Enclosed is a list of things we would like you to buy us. 1000 times worse when the demand for gifts is in rhyming couplets.

OP posts:
SatinSandals · 16/12/2013 19:24

Another one here who HATES the assumption that gifts MUST be given at weddings.

At our own wedding, we stated "no gifts please" on the invitations. (It's expensive enough just to go to a wedding with transport, hotel, time off, babysitters etc.)

You seem to have assumed that gifts would be given, or you wouldn't have needed to state no gifts. Had you not put that they would have all turned up with one-it is what people do.

SatinSandals · 16/12/2013 19:26

Perhaps they were all reading it and thinking 'how strange, it hadn't crossed our mind to give one'. Grin

boodles · 16/12/2013 19:33

I went to a wedding where they sent a rhyme to get money rather than gifts. I think what annoyed me more was that they didn't send a thank you.

M0naLisa · 16/12/2013 19:43

When my brother got married they had a wedding list from John Lewis. Dad and stepmum bought a present from the list and just told me they wanted £26 Hmm

trixymalixy · 16/12/2013 19:45

I think gift lists are great and perfectly acceptable. If I'm invited to a wedding, I'm going to buy a gift. I'd like to buy them something they like and want.

Personally I'd much rather not have to phone up and ask. Much less hassle all round to point guests in the direction of a gift list.

stargirl1701 · 16/12/2013 19:48

I agree with jellyandcake. I would be very irritated if the couple expected me to phone their parents to find out about the gift list. Most weddings I have been to I haven't met the parents until the wedding! This idea surely dates from when families lived in same village. This is not the case for most people now. I much prefer to get the card with the gift list details in the invitation. It saves on postage (important to the couple) and is more Eco friendly (an important consideration to me).

I truly don't get the angst over this. I wouldn't dream of not buying a wedding gift so the assumption I would buy one is correct. I would always prefer to buy a gift that the couple can use (again, the Eco consideration) rather than something random I think they might like.

MrsCakesPremonition · 16/12/2013 19:58

Perhaps the thing to do is to put a link to a website on the invitation with all the wedding information - directions, venue, hotels and gift ideas.

Or is that splitting hairs?

DragonMamma · 16/12/2013 20:00

I'm not averse to gift lists, at all.

Except the one to an evening do I had recently - where the gift list card was bigger than the actual invite and was for a well known honeymoon travel agent. When I logged on to have a look, there was NO details about what it would go towards, just a 'thanks for contributing'. How rude!

mistermakersgloopyglue · 16/12/2013 20:05

I totally HATE gift lists and I am not fussed about going to weddings either. So I dislike receiving wedding invitations, as I usually decline. (Unless from close family.)

If I DO decide to go to the wedding, it's purely to honour/please the couple. So that's my 'gift' to them as usually there's some expense involved in attending.

Wow, some people really are totally joyless!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 16/12/2013 20:07

YAbu.
Personally I would like to receive the invitation with a money envelope enclosed. It would take so much pressure off me. Grin

VenusDeWillendorf · 16/12/2013 20:24

Weddings are lovely.
And you bring a gift to celebrate the marriage and to set up the bride and groom. Like any party, a kid's, or granny's, you bring a gift, because it's polite, and it's expected.

For our wedding, we had a list registered, and also had a great deal with the shop, that we could buy things not bought off our list at a discount of 20%!
So I registered every crueset pot known to woman. However some old biddy aunties thought this was disgraceful behaviour, not knowing about the discount, and some of them rocked up with a couple of quid in an envelope thinking I was a grabby wench!!

Hilarious.

bUT don't get me started on my quirky single pals who thought it would be so ironic to buy me toasters, and other present clichés NOT on the list! Ha ha ha? No, not really very funny at all on the day, and they knew it!!

Just buy something on the list, and arrange your wedding the way you want.

RiceBurner · 16/12/2013 21:06

mister .... just saying. Everyone is entitled to their opinion I think? (So please respect mine?)

I am not (completely) joyless (I hope) ... just honest about what I like to do ... and what I do not like to do.

I decided to add my POV to this thread as people sending out invitations need to reflect that maybe not absolutely everyone wants to be at their wedding. And not everyone is desperate to buy them a gift. (Both should be completely optional.)

In the past, I have been invited to weddings of people I don't really know, or have lost touch with. Therefore, I actually didn't feel like going. (Or sending a gift.)

It's fine/nice to be invited, but how best to refuse?

Sometimes, I felt that I HAD to go, out of politeness. The rest of the time, I had a valid excuse. (Phew!)

But once I told a friend (who I hadn't seen in DECADES) that I wouldnt be coming, mainly because I honestly didn't think I would enjoy it. (Said I would have prefer to see her later/alone, after all the years that we hadn't seen each other.)

That was a few yrs ago now, but I am hoping/planning to see her soon. She seemed to forgive me! Though I am sure she found my position strange at the time. At least I hope she saw I was trying to be sincere. (And appreciated why I didn't make up a silly reason why I couldn't come, though she wouldn't have known it was an excuse. )

Most people in the (awkward) above situation would just lie as to why (unfortunately) they won't be able to attend.

It's a shame we feel that we HAVE to lie. I wish it was a lot more acceptable to just say "no thanks" without causing huge offence because weddings IMO are usually quite boring? (All the ones I have been to at least!)

Seems like most people LIKE going to them then? (Maybe I just haven't been to a 'good' one yet?!)

Also, I would like to say that I hate the way getting married has become such a BIG DEAL, with so much money being spent and with some many the rules/stresses which can turn the brides (and family) into "bridezillas" (and/or bullies) who can't comprehend any lack of enthusiam and/or cooperation.

mister ... you seem to imply I am "joyless" JUST because I enjoy different things from you? Really? I could also say YOU were joyless ... if there was something I like to do but which you would not like? (But I hope that I wouldn't be that deliberately rude. Grin )

Pigsmummy · 16/12/2013 22:14

If you don't like the couple then decline the invite?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 16/12/2013 22:20

Absolutely not bothered in the slightest. I only go to the weddings of people I really like. And because I like them I want them to have whatever they want. So poems, lists, requests for cash to blow on a holiday, throw them all at me. I don't do offended.

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/12/2013 22:46

Riceburner, how to refuse an invitation?Shock.

You send a note congratulating your friend, thanking her for the lovely invitation and for having you in her thoughts at this time. You tell her you can't come but look forward to seeing her some time soon. You wish her well.

Sometimes a nice note is all that is needed and I can't say I'm surprised that you still haven't seen your friend.

saintlyjimjams · 16/12/2013 22:51

It's normal to include a gift list. All my mother's generation seem to get very angsty if they don't receive a gift list. I d

saintlyjimjams · 16/12/2013 22:52

Grr I'm quite happy for people to ask for money/experiences as well although that seems to lead to much teeth gnashing on here

saintlyjimjams · 16/12/2013 22:55

Rice burner - it's just being socially polite. In the way you don't tell someone they look dreadful if they ask. But then I wouldn't feel guilted into attending a wedding I didn't want to go to.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 16/12/2013 22:57

If you can't go to a wedding, particularly if it's someone you don't see frequently, you just send a note saying

Dear Brian and Sue,

Thank you very much for the invitation to your wedding on 19 May. I'm sorry that Dave and I won't be able to make it, but we hope you have a [insert adjective of choice] day and look forward to hearing about it and seeing the photographs later.

Best wishes,

Yvonne

That's perfectly acceptable.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 16/12/2013 22:58

(Or, rather, if you can't go or just don't feel like it)

lambbone · 16/12/2013 23:02

What WooWooOwl said.

Wedding list with sensible price range - helpful

Request for money - rude

Request for money with little poem - rude AND eyewateringly, toe curlingly embarrassing. A cousin of mine did it. My mother hasn't quite recovered yet and it was 18 months ago.

BillyBanter · 16/12/2013 23:08

Poor brides and grooms can't do right for doing wrong.

Here's the thing.

If you include a list or ask for money, those people who like a list or giving money are happy. the people who don't like a list can ignore the list, buy nothing or buy something they've chosen themselves and hope that it will be appreciated rather than linger in a drawer.

If you don't include a list the people who don't like lists can still do exactly what they were going to do anyway but the people who like a list included have to chase one up.

Therefore including a list wins.

BillyBanter · 16/12/2013 23:11

Slightly amused that several people said that they did or would put 'we really don't need any gifts, your presence is more than enough for us, but here is one if you really feel that you want to get us something' yet the moment someone said they never take gifts to weddings people were aghast.

MrsCakesPremonition · 16/12/2013 23:31

I can't imagine not taking a present to a wedding, even if it was a small one, anymore than I can imagine sending the DCs to a birthday party without a gift for the birthday child.

GoofyIsACow · 16/12/2013 23:41

Do you know, balls to the bloody lot of you the ones that think it is rude
We got married 7 years ago and did the whole money poem thing, it seemed to be the done thing and it paid for a big chunk of our honeymoon.
I dont know if people thought it rude or not, but posts like this make me feel completely sick about it, like everyone was bitching about it!
We got a few gifts as well, one of which is a set of crystal wine glasses that we have never had out of the box and have moved them from house to house!