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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Horribly behaved child in nursery

59 replies

livingstondaisy · 15/12/2013 22:20

So there is a child, aged 4,in the nursery we use who behaves terribly despite the best efforts of the staff. He is allowed to play 18 games on the play station at home and acts them out resulting in a lot of killing and shooting which is upsetting my child. This child has also been biting my child unprovoked and has called my Dc fat which is not the case. My dc today said that this child has told everyone santa is not real. I am devastated. It feels like the excitement has been tarnished now and there is doubt. We hoped for a couple years more at least to enjoy the innocence. We would like to speak to nursery about the influence this child is having, especially re the fat comment but is there anything they could actually do?

OP posts:

Justforlaughs · 15/12/2013 22:23

You'll never know if you don't ask them.

Trigglesx · 15/12/2013 22:26

Interesting that you know that he plays 18 games on the playstation at home. I presume you know his family personally and have spent time in their home and witnessed this?

It sounds like there are some issues going on with the child, based on the behaviour examples. You can speak to the nursery, but they shouldn't be telling you ANYTHING about the child, unless of course they are throwing confidentiality to the winds.

scottishmummy · 15/12/2013 22:26

Yes,you met the manager and you discuss globally how your chiks is doing?not other child
You discuss you child has been bitten,what intervention/strategy are staff utilising
You don't specifically attack other child,you do ask how they manage behaviours

Are you absolutely sure all you describe has happened as you. Describe. How do you know this wee boy plays 18 games, you need to be mindful not repeating if it is unsubstantiated

It's dreadful as parent when your child get bitten,heartbreaking

You shouldn't demonise this other child.focus globally on how does nursery manage behaviours

neunundneunzigluftballons · 15/12/2013 22:28

We have had similar but to a lesser extent. My older child had a child latch onto her who would not let others play with her and was very aggressive towards her and others. It is not fully resolved so I will be interested to see responses.

scottishmummy · 15/12/2013 22:29

How do you know this detail about this child?are staff the source?

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 15/12/2013 22:29

The very least they should do is to speak to the child's parents and ask what measures they intend to take to stop him doing something similar in the future. If there are any Santa doubts just tell your DC that if he doesn't believe in Santa then he shouldn't put up his stocking. It worked for my DS when something similar happened when he was at school.

scottishmummy · 15/12/2013 22:32

In fairness how has this been substantiated?nursery need to check authenticity before approaching any parent

Original poster

livingstondaisy · 15/12/2013 22:32

His mother told me he plays these games and my child repeats the names which otherwise would never have heard of. I don't socialise with the family but we are on pleasant terms when our paths cross.

Nursery would never breach confidentiality, they are very very good but it's obvious to anyone walking in the building that this child is difficult.

All I care about is my child and the negative impact This individual is having on her. I am not at all prepared for her to be called fat or have common childhood beliefs shattered by this child who is a lot more wordly wise but my question is what exactly is a nursery able to do? I am upset that my sensitive child is being exposed to things beyond her years unnecessarily.

OP posts:

Mummytotwox · 15/12/2013 22:33

My son plays violent at nursery. He has a best friend and they play "fighting,shooting". He's four. He also went through a biting stage, and smacking. He has global development delay though and is on the autism spectrum. Doesn't mean he's evil. He's actually the most loving boy iv eve met.

WooWooOwl · 15/12/2013 22:35

What type of nursery is this?

I'd definitely let it be known that you are concerned about this child at nursery, and that his behaviour is having a detrimental effect on your child.

Original poster

livingstondaisy · 15/12/2013 22:35

I am not saying he is evil.

OP posts:

Original poster

livingstondaisy · 15/12/2013 22:36

Thanks for the replies. Nursery have said that they have spoken to the parents following each incident, we asked after signing the accident form every time.

This child is given special toys to

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 15/12/2013 22:37

So as I said you globally discuss behaviour management,how they deal with biting etc
I genuinely wouldn't make this about other child,focus on how nursery deal with inappropriate behaviours
You're right to be upset,it's a leap of trust to put your child in someone else care

lljkk · 15/12/2013 22:39

Nursery can and should make an effort to stop name-calling (so very good point to talk to them about), but there's plenty you can do about it (it is an opportunity). Lots of kids call each other silly names; it's an opportunity to talk about why people shouldn't do that, and why not to take it personally, either.

Kids argue endlessly about whether Santa is real or not; I told my kids Santa was a myth & DC chose to believe, anyway! There is no perfect innocence to be lost. Water off a duck's back, you reply "Gee, that's too bad, because Santa definitely doesn't bring gifts to children who don't believe, I'm so glad you believe, don't you?"

I don't like the 18 games either (horrible). But I don't think it has that much effect; if child's behaviour is very bad it's very bad for other reasons.

The big bad world is going to encroach sometimes, be glad if this is the worst of her innocence disruption before she's 5.

Original poster

livingstondaisy · 15/12/2013 22:40

Woops to play with when there has been good behaviour and I see reward charts too.

I appreciate that the staff cannot listen to every conversation or interaction but I had not wanted my child to know about shooting, running people over in a car etc for a long long time but I have had to explain this to her following threats and references from this boy.

I just don't know what I can reasonably ask nursery to do. I cannot fault the nursery at all. I am so happy with the care given, it's just this one problem.

OP posts:

Original poster

livingstondaisy · 15/12/2013 22:40

Woops to play with when there has been good behaviour and I see reward charts too.

I just don't know what I can reasonably ask nursery to do. I cannot fault the nursery at all. I am so happy with the care given, it's just this one problem.

OP posts:

WidowWadman · 15/12/2013 22:42

I doubt that a 4yo would have the dexterity/motor skills to operate a 18 game on any kind of console.

Original poster

livingstondaisy · 15/12/2013 22:42

Thanks for the replies. Nursery have said that they have spoken to the parents following each incident, we asked after signing the accident form every time.

This child is given special toys to

OP posts:

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 15/12/2013 22:44

I am not sure what the nursery can do either but you must persist and make your views known. Do they know about the name calling ?

lilyaldrin · 15/12/2013 22:46

I would tell the nursery if your child is upset by the fighting/shooting games.

I would also expect the nursery to ensure my child wasn't bitten again. If your child has been bitten more than once, then it is reasonable to ask the nursery how they are going to make sure your child is safe and it doesn't happen again.

To be honest though, 3/4 is quite a typical age for children to start playing guns, shooting, power rangers, ninjas, sword fighting type games even without having seen inappropriate video games.

Original poster

livingstondaisy · 15/12/2013 22:47

Not sure about the name calling although my daughter has said the child was in trouble for calling a staff member fat.

I am just sad that my child is being exposed to things that are grown up things at age 4 and is upset by it all.

We will speak to nursery and as someone said, focus on the impact it's having on our child which is not inconsequential.

OP posts:

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 15/12/2013 22:51

Please make sure you do that soon OP. I'm sure you will!

Trigglesx · 15/12/2013 22:52

The shooting games have been going on since well before I was a child. Right now it's video games, but with previous generations it was cowboys, power rangers, Flash Gordon for heaven's sake.

His mother just calmly pointed out to you that he plays 18 games? Okay. I find that hard to believe that a 4yo would have not only the manual dexterity but the reasoning skills and cognitive skills to successfully play an 18 game long enough to take anything away from it tbh.

Children do sometimes call names. It's unkind, and I imagine the nursery staff step in and tell them not to or have some type of consequence for repeated offences. In the meantime, work on your DCs confidence and remind her that sometimes people say things that are unkind and untrue. This is something that will crop up repeatedly throughout school, unfortunately.

I am not at all prepared for her to be called fat or have common childhood beliefs shattered by this child who is a lot more wordly wise but my question is what exactly is a nursery able to do? I am upset that my sensitive child is being exposed to things beyond her years unnecessarily.

First of all, I highly doubt the child thought "okay, I think I'll shatter this child's childhood beliefs today." It's highly likely that someone else (older sibling, adult) said something where the child heard it and the child then repeated it in school to other children. These things happen. The child can hardly be blamed for simply repeating something they heard in that regard.

Namecalling, biting, rowdy or "violent" shooting games do crop up in school as young as nursery age, so she's not exactly being exposed to things "beyond her years." This is not Beirut. It's nursery. Kids misbehave, and they slowly learn social skills. If this child is struggling with his social skills, the staff will most likely already be working with the parents on behaviour management already (although again, they cannot discuss this with you).

Lora1982 · 15/12/2013 22:52

It sounds like the nursery are trying with the littlw power they have ie reward chart. Its not nice though op cant you change nursery?

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 15/12/2013 22:56

Trigglesex I think that you are being a bit harsh on the OP!

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