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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that DP bought himself expensive gift without discussing it?

135 replies

CosyTeaBags · 15/12/2013 21:01

I have been with my DP for nearly 4 years, lived together for the last 2 years.

Last week it was his 40th birthday. We had a couple of friends over for dinner to celebrate, and when they arrived they presented DP with a 'gift'.

It turned out to be a £2k Rolex watch that DP has bought a a present for himself, which his friend (a fellow watch collector) has been looking after for him until his birthday, and his wife had gift wrapped for DP as a nice gesture.

I knew nothing about this at all, and had to ask several times, in front of our friends, what was happening - I didn't understand whether our friend had bought it for him, gone halves on it, whatever. I knew nothing at all, while our 2 friends knew all about it.

Now, I don't mind at all what DP spends his money on, it's his money, we have no DCs, each financially independent etc. BUT AIBU to think that he ought to have discussed this with me first, and not made me feel like a total idiot in front of our friends when I knew nothing about it?

I have told him that I feel that he doesn't consider us a partnership, that he ought to have told me about this first, and that I am hurt that he didn't consider my opinion on something as important as this.

He said he 'just forgot' that he had bought it... but on further pressing, he said he thought I would talk him out of it... so one of those versions isn't the truth Hmm

I should add that he is usually a wonderful partner, we are currently TTC, and hope to get married someday. However, this isn't the first time he has done something like this - last Christmas he just announced that he had ordered a £1k massive TV without discussing it with me...

I am pretty sensitive about stuff like this, as my Ex was a total commitment phobe and never considered my opinion on anything to do with his life, so I just feel a little hurt and insecure.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
CosyTeaBags · 16/12/2013 17:58

Fair point Merry you may well be right, except he's happy to discuss marriage plans etc, says he definitely will marry me, and just tells me he wants to ask me properly.

I may be naive but I want a proposal that I will remember, not one that has come about because I've put pressure on him.

Sebsmummy my situation sounds incredibly similar to yours. My DP was burnt by his ex wife, she took way more than her fair share, which he didn't fight her for. But this "has told me he will never fully trust another woman." - I would find that very difficult to accept, I hope your DP can find it in himself to trust you and not tar you with the same brush as his ex.

I do sometimes think that I'm paying for my DPs ex's indiscretions - in that he shared everything with her and she crapped all over him, and now he is unwilling to share (financially) with me. I will not accept that in the long term though, something has to change.

I also feel that if my DP shared a ring, and a marriage with his horrible ex wife, then he owes it to me to do the same and more.

OP posts:
NearTheWindmill · 16/12/2013 18:01

Oh dear. Why would he marry you? He has it all. You live at his with no commitment from him. You do most of what he wants without consultation. Everything that's his is his with the convenience of woman on hand. You have your own home so he need not feel guilty. He has the key to the candy store.

FGS get your own key - go and live in your own home and if he wants to see you he can ask you. If he wants youi to live with him, do it on your terms with a proposal and date set and forget the baby business until you have that.

Put the ball in his court and remember you have a lot going for you - you are a good catch and there are probably better fish in the sea. But you wonalt find one in your current set up. Even if you dopn't you deserve to be at peace and to set your own agenda.

Don't carry on letting him have his cake and eat it. Take back control - you might get a nice surprise. Just don't get pg in this set up - not fair on anyone.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 18:26

There is nothing naive about not wanting a proposal that you have to push him into. He's not going to do it though, unless you issue him with threats.

is this what you wanted for your future self ?

BelaLugosisShed · 16/12/2013 18:52

Is there anything more depressing (or demeaning) than a woman actively waiting and hoping for a proposal? Why has he got to propose? Why does he get to decide the future path for your joint lives?

What's stopping you from saying, "right , I want to get married next year, have you got a date/location in mind?"

pigletmania · 16/12/2013 19:02

Op I feel you are desarate for a baby, despite everything, and are really ignoring a few red flags in te relationship. Yes it's fine tat he bought himself an expensive watch, he can afford it, an its for a special birthday, but it's not ok fr him to make a fool of you in front of people. He should have even completely honest, t same with the TV. That would be concerning. You want to get married, he is not sure, is another concerning issue. Why t hell are you keeping a house you don't live in, it might be sensible if you were both committed, to pool your resources and buy a house together. Would he do that! If not I would seriously think about your real tionship before you bring neither human being into it!

Ephiny · 16/12/2013 19:02

I wouldn't be bothered about the present thing, but it sounds like that's sorted out now anyway :)

I don't get the 'promising to ask you to marry him' thing at all though. If he knows you want to get married, what is there to ask? Confused

Honestly, it sounds like he doesn't want to marry you. If he did, it wouldn't have to be so complicated, there wouldn't be all these delaying tactics.

I think it's quite naive as well to say " I don't have any reason whatsoever to think he would leave me in the lurch." - most people don't, that doesn't stop it happening!

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 16/12/2013 19:09

please keep your finances seperate.

don't open a joint account

don't co-own YOUR house

if you want to co-own his house n- that's up to you

but if you do conceive, i promise you, life will be wildly different, the pressures of parenthood cannot be over stated, people change, mothers and fathers alike and not always for the better

I am not a pessimist i promist you - i am pragmatic, you need to think o yourself

if he pays for everything now, fine, let him, save your money. keep yourself financially independant

Ninasaurus · 16/12/2013 21:30

Re ttc. I know so many people who surprisingly had children after being told it would be difficult/impossible. Also know many who fell pregnant quickly with a tiny age gap when trying for their second child when their first born had taken months/years to conceive. It is hard to predict these things.

So my advice would be to start ttc when you would be happy and ready for a baby in 10 months time :)

Upcycled · 16/12/2013 22:05

Move back to your house
Start dating him again
Let him stay over at yours more than you stay over at his
Stop TTC, but if you really want a baby also consider the option of being a single mum.
Keep a time frame on your mind for him to propose if you really don't want to propose yourself.
If he does not propose within your time frame, break up and move on if marriage is what you want.

Writerwannabe83 · 16/12/2013 22:34

One of my friends, who is now 34 is still waiting for her boyfriend of 6 years to propose. She has been talking about it with him for a few years (especially as she wants children) and he just keeps giving the empty promise of he'll do it when the time is right Hmm Everyone but her can see he has no desire to get married at all.

If a man wants to marry his girlfriend and knows full well that she wants the same, then surely that is the perfect time. A man who delays marriage by giving crap excuses is a guy who doesn't want it.

MerryMarigold · 17/12/2013 09:10

He may propose over Christmas/new year. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. If he doesn't, done size words have been spoken.

MerryMarigold · 17/12/2013 09:11

What? Some wise words! Sorry

MerryFuckingChristmas · 17/12/2013 09:15

Christmas 2013 ?

MerryMarigold · 17/12/2013 09:31

Yes. This year. Not wait another whole year!

MerryFuckingChristmas · 17/12/2013 09:43

I fear "Christmas" may never come.....

MerryMarigold · 17/12/2013 09:52
Grin
Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2013 10:40

I don't know.....maybe he has got a beautiful proposal already planned for Christmas or New Year that has been organised for ages?? Maybe that's why he's being so vague, to throw the OP off the scent....

I hope he has!!! Smile

MerryFuckingChristmas · 17/12/2013 10:51

If it would make op happy for ever after, I hope so too.

Do I think this man is good marriage material? Nope.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2013 11:05

As long as they are 75% perfect that's good enough Grin

Nobody is 100% - even us women! though we are much closer to the mark Grin

OTheHugeManatee · 17/12/2013 11:30

I think you'd be crackers to get yourself pregnant by this man, at least until he makes good on his promise to marry you. Right now you're financially independent, own your own place etc etc but once a baby comes along you need to be much more interdependent. If he's even showing the faintest whiff of uncertainty about commitment to you then don't do it.

You mention your last boyfriend was a commitment phobe too. Is this a pattern for you?

Upcycled · 17/12/2013 14:40

Hi OP. Are you spending Christmas together? What is the arrangement?

Original poster
CosyTeaBags · 18/12/2013 12:30

Thank you Writerwannabe for a voice of reason. Yes, he's not 100% perfect, but he's about 90% there. He's a little scared of commitment because his wife ran off with another man and turned into a money grabbing cowbag, and has moments of selfishness in buying himself stuff without discussing it with me. That is all.

I'm not sure why Christmas arrangements are relevant - but yes, of course we are spending Christmas together. We live together and we love each other - why wouldn't we be spending christmas together?.

I think there is a hell of a lot of projection on this and other threads. My fault, I asked for it I know.

But thank you all for your input and perspective. Some say what he did was fine and I'm over reacting - others think I should leave him and stop TTC a much longed for (by both of us) child.

Good to know we're all different eh!

OP posts:
Upcycled · 18/12/2013 13:29

Hi OP just wondering if there was any unusual plans for Christmas as he could be planning a surprise proposal for you.

You come here and ask a bunch of strangers very personal questions and got a range of answers, not sure exactly what you were expecting to hear?

Only your partner can tell you exactly what is going on, take no notice on us.

Original poster
CosyTeaBags · 18/12/2013 13:32

Sorry Upcycled I was just feeling a bit sensitive to all the negative stuff, and took it the wrong way. Apologies.

No special plans for Christmas - he told me he won't propose for Christmas as he wants it (proposal) to be special in itself outside of the usual Christmas stuff.

DP and I have talked lots about this now, and I'm feeling a lot better.

I know, I brought this thread on myself! Thanks everyone for lots of different viewpoints. Plenty of food for thought!

OP posts:
Joysmum · 18/12/2013 13:35

You're quite right, there is a hell of a lot of projection goes on. Those that have been burnt will tend to look for the worst in everything, those in happy relationships tend to look for the good.

So glad you've got perspective to recognise that when so many who are vulnerable wouldn't be able to.

Have a great Christmas and new year!

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