to be upset that DP bought himself expensive gift without discussing it?

[CosyTeaBags]

I have been with my DP for nearly 4 years, lived together for the last 2 years.

Last week it was his 40th birthday. We had a couple of friends over for dinner to celebrate, and when they arrived they presented DP with a 'gift'.

It turned out to be a £2k Rolex watch that DP has bought a a present for himself, which his friend (a fellow watch collector) has been looking after for him until his birthday, and his wife had gift wrapped for DP as a nice gesture.

I knew nothing about this at all, and had to ask several times, in front of our friends, what was happening - I didn't understand whether our friend had bought it for him, gone halves on it, whatever. I knew nothing at all, while our 2 friends knew all about it.

Now, I don't mind at all what DP spends his money on, it's his money, we have no DCs, each financially independent etc. BUT AIBU to think that he ought to have discussed this with me first, and not made me feel like a total idiot in front of our friends when I knew nothing about it?

I have told him that I feel that he doesn't consider us a partnership, that he ought to have told me about this first, and that I am hurt that he didn't consider my opinion on something as important as this.

He said he 'just forgot' that he had bought it... but on further pressing, he said he thought I would talk him out of it... so one of those versions isn't the truth

I should add that he is usually a wonderful partner, we are currently TTC, and hope to get married someday. However, this isn't the first time he has done something like this - last Christmas he just announced that he had ordered a £1k massive TV without discussing it with me...

I am pretty sensitive about stuff like this, as my Ex was a total commitment phobe and never considered my opinion on anything to do with his life, so I just feel a little hurt and insecure.

AIBU??

I see where you're coming from, and that's the way my ex and I view it because we are committed to parenting with each other as well as being committed to our children.

But it often doesn't work out because people don't plan and discuss these things before they have children, and I think if more people planned marriages before having children, then some of the problems they have wouldn't exist.

There have been loads of threads on her where people have felt the need to question an OP with 'didn't you think about that before you had children' because sadly a lot of people don't think about how things will work in the future. They assume that their partner will want the same as them because they have never indicated otherwise, but then they have never bothered to have the discussion to find out.

I think if he wants to buy a 2k watch and he has the money then that's up to him but making you look a fool in front of your friends is not acceptable. I would have been really mad about that!

I think this has brought up a lot more about the commitment issue really.

I am very insecure about commitment - my ex was a true commitment phobe (he kept bin bags full of brand new homeware stuff at his mothers for the whole 3 years he lived with me 'just in case' he ever needed them. Which he did, when he walked out on me out of the blue one day). My DP is divorced, and pretty scarred by that experience. My sister is a control freak, forced commitment with her own StbExH, and has always 'told' me I ought to do the same thing - so I've done the opposite.

So my perception of what is right, and what I should and shouldn't put up with is pretty skewed when it comes to commitment.

DP and I have been TTC for 6 months or so, and that is (my) our main focus. But I do tell him I want to get married, and he assures me that we will one day. But there is an unsettling kneejerk reaction of discomfort, dismiss it all as a joke thing, laugh it off etc that I am all to familiar with from my Ex. It makes me uncomfortable.

He obviously sees it as you living in his house and then him going to your house. He doesn't see one as 'home' and one as 'holiday' - that tells you a lot. He has made that clear by not wanting to share expenses of both and by going out and buying a massive, expensive TV which dominates a room, without discussing it with you (unless it's in his study or something?). Yes, this is absolutely true. (and the TV is in the living room, which it completely dominates - I totally hate it)

I am very wary of demanding equality, in case he sees it as money grabbing - I would have a lot more to gain by us sharing finances than he would. I don't want to come across as trying to get my hands on an equal share of the house etc, particularly when he has already lost more than half his assets to one divorce.

All I want is to feel secure and committed and to know that he feels the same way.

Tbh, if you are only using your house at the weekend, then the daily living expenses for your partner's house are presumably considerably higher - gas/elec/phone etc etc. If he is paying those then personally I think you have a good deal.

I would not muddy the waters by trying to merge houses/have joint accounts. Whilst I appreciate you are ttc/planning to marry, things can sadly go wrong in a relationship and to have a house in your sole name is much better for you. DH and I ttc (with fertility treatment) for 7 yrs before finally having DS after 2 miscarriages. You need to be incredibly strong as a couple and it can make or break you. DH owns the house we live in, whilst I own my flat where we lived previously, the rental of which provides me with an income. DH is a partner in a business and felt it better to have separate finances, just in case something went wrong. I feel protected having a property in my sole name.

I appreciate I'm in the minority here, but I would let it go. He bought himself a nice watch to mark his 40th (with clearly his friend chipping in by giving him a reduced price, so you could ague the gift is from them too). I can't see how the watch is 'tainted' and I would not try and spoil his pleasure in his new toy by letting it become a bone of contention.

The day that I finally qualified for my particular profession, I was walking in town to get a sandwich. I stopped in front of the fancy jewellery shop and looked at the watches. I then immediately and spontaneously decided to treat myself to a Cartier Santos. This was my decision and mine alone. I could afford it and I was celebrating what passing everything meant - to whit, my independence.

I would have been grievously upset had DP (then) DH (now) taken issue with it. Let it go. I don't even really understand why you are upset.

Without sounding oblivious to the amount of money involved, was this really a major financial decision? That's all relative, isn't it? You can easily afford it with no major ramifications for your joint wealth, it was his disposable income that paid for it. I know for some people, it's a lot of money and genuinely represents a major financial decision. But for you, it doesn't really sound like it.

But the "friend/gift/scenario" would have thrown me slightly.

All I want is to feel secure and committed and to know that he feels the same way.

You won't get that just by hoping for it. It is spectacularly foolish to ttc in these circumstances. You will come to regret that one day when you are back on here and and moaning about living in an unequal relationship but tied down with a kid. You have been warned.

There is much more to 'living as a team/partnership/couple' than just getting him to agree to a joint account. That's putting the cart before the horse - the feeling needs to be there first, the bank account should come naturally from that.

I totally agree, and also with your second post woowoo. You need to sort your relationship out before the kids. I know you have a time pressure, well then there is a time pressure to sort the relationship out.

It is a sad indication that he is willing to commit to a child with you, but not a bank account or a mortgage. I mean - eh?????

Woo woo you are contradicting yourself You say that its ok for the OPs partner to do what he has done and then say that the reason these things dont work out is because these things arent planned or discussed. Well the fact that the OP posted here about it in the first place and has discussed it with her partner since show the opposite to be true.

earningsthread, that's a really bizarre post. I mean, did you have to link the watch? [boast, boast]

OP. I would ask him this question: what makes you feel ready to commit to a child with me? His answers may show him he is ready to commit to other things too, or that he is actually not ready to commit to a child.

Actually your thread is not dissimilar to something I could have written a year ago and I think it's less about the watch and more about how you feel within the relationship and the lack of team work.

Ideally you would like to get married and feel you have a commitment I imagine? Because he has not asked you you have bypassed that stage and jumped straight into TTC and you don't want to rock the boat because of how delicate your fertility situation is? I also suspect you are hoping that once a baby arrives you will be more of a family unit and will feel he is commuted to you both?

Am I right?

We have talked some more about it. He has apologized profusely and I'm feeling a lot better about things.

Thanks for everyone's wise words!

Committed

As others have said, it's not the present I'd feel bad about, one person's £2k is another persons £50, if he can afford it then he's entitled to spend what he wants. The issue I'd have is that he specifically chose to exclude you.

I'd be inclined to knock the TTC on the head until you sort out where you both are, tbh. Sorry if that sounds dramatic but what happens if you get pregnant soon and need to get baby stuff - is he going to be off sneaking around buying himself Armani suits and gadgets without saying a word to you in case you tell him not to? He sounds a bit immature if you don't mind me saying.

YANBU.

And yes Sebsmummy you are 100% right.

He has promised that he will ask me to marry him soon. He's waiting for the right time. I don't doubt him on this, but I just have a little wobble from time to time.

I told him that the watch thing just made me feel left out of his decisions, not part of team etc. He agreed, and is very sorry it has made me feel like that.

We discussed the money situation, he says it's not a problem, he knows I earn less than him so doesn't want me out of pocket. He's about to start doing a load of work on my house, I said that it would be better if we 'co-owned' it so that he wouldn't be out of pocket. He said it was fine, it didn't have to be about what is mine and what is his - it's all part of 'us' anyway.

I asked him straight out if he was sure he wanted to TTC with me. He said yes, 100% sure. We have a huge back story here which I'm not going to go into, but I know he means it when he says he's sure.

It just made me wobble that's all.

I pointed out that if we did have a baby, I would be relying on him financially, and unable to contribute.

He said he fully accepts that once we have a child, he will be supporting us both financially and this isn't a problem.

Without a marriage contract, I just have to trust him on this one. He's an honourable man, I don't have any reason whatsoever to think he would leave me in the lurch.

It does make you feel vulnerable though. But my priority at the moment is TTC, if I'm ever lucky enough to be in the position to have a child, I'll be over the moon and happy with my lot whatever it may be.

I know your situation as I'm in it myself.

I can tell you you will feel no more secure if you have a baby with him. I certainly don't. I also have no assurance that my partner will marry me, although we did discuss it when we found out I was pregnant.

You cannot force someone to commit to you. Perhaps you could in days gone by, but not now, they have to want to. Personally I love my son to pieces and he is my priority. My partner adores my son and I know he would never hurt a hair on his head or see him in a negative position be it emotionally or fiscally, so that allows me to sleep at night.

Sebsmummy that sounds very familiar.

My DP knows that I want to get married - but of course, that means that while he can feel totally secure, because he knows how I feel - I carry on feeling insecure because he holds all the cards.

I'm reluctant to push it, I don't want it to be like that. I don't want to ask him myself because of various reasons. But I don't like feeling like this either.

Men are so bloody thick sometimes - (sorry, generalization and sexism alert). He says he doesn't want to argue about it, of course he wants to marry me etc... but then he does nothing. If he doesn't want to argue, why the hell doesn't he just do it then - and I would be deliriously happy, he would be happy, everyone would be happy... aaaargh!

I'm afraid i don't think he will ask you to marry him as he has no need to risk his financial future for something he already has.

But isn't that the same for every co-habiting couple?

Aaargh, we had a major wobble this time last year as well, I think Christmas brings out all the flaws and makes you really look at your relationships.

The last thing I need is another crisis. He assures me he wants to marry me, I just need to shut up, see what happens over Christmas, and tackle the issue if it's still not resolved in the new year.

Cosy I wouldn't say its the same for every co-habiting couple no. In many households neither couple want to marry. In some households both want to marry but don't have the finances to do it as they have children/too many other commitments. In other households there are two people jointly and equally contributing to the household and perhaps an expectation that marriage will come before the couple have children.

In your situation you have a relationship where one person is fully committed (you). Your partner is telling you he has commitment in mind but is actively doing zero to signify this. You are jumping straight into TTC because time is of the essence and hoping for the best down the line.

I get it. But where we seem to differ is I have no expectation of marriage in my future as my partner has already been burnt financially by his significant ex and has told me he will never fully trust another woman. He is the one that has brought assets to the table and has a significant inheritance in his future. I have my own fairly sizeable savings but no property, the house we live in is in my partners name only.

We have had one huge row about this where I had to sign some papers to pretty much call myself a guest in the family house, and I went bat-shit CRAZY at him. I threw everything I felt at him and I think he was quite shocked at just how angry I was, but then I calmed down and here we are.

So what I am saying to you is be prepared for the status quo to stay the same. There is no incentive really for him to change it. What benefit would it cause him exactly?

sebs why have you got to pay the price for what HE says an ex did.

Because the alternative is I leave, or get resentful, or I suppose pressurise him into something I want him to do as opposed to let him decide himself.

I honestly am at peace with it.

The ex took a large amount of money from the sale of their jointly owned house and he had to take significant legal proceedings to get a chunk of it back. He was actually very dignified throughout the process and has never once said a bad word against her. He just can't believe he was actively betrayed by someone he spent nearly two decades with. So I do understand the trust thing.

I don't want OP to hang on her partners every word in terms if marriage, it's far healthier to assume they will continue as they are and actively TTC knowing their child will benefit from both if them financially and emotionally. Or else stop TTC until the OP gets the commitment she desires.

What's this "he promises to ask me to marry him very soon"

I am sorry love, but your desperation for a baby (been there) has made you take leave of your senses.

He's not going to ask you to marry him. He would have done it by now if he wanted to. What is this "right time" he is waiting for ?. You choose the wedding date carefully, not the decision to do it when you have already "promised" to

is this like a 2 stage wedding proposal...he is committed to asking you some time soon, except it stalls forever at stage 1

you are being incredibly naive

if marriage is what you want, I am afraid you are going to have to stop hoping and accept if you do get pregnant you will be up the financial shit creek without a paddle

that may suit you (as in you want a baby at any cost to your own security) but it's not exactly the best situation to bring a child into

he is all talk...if he won't marry you then you are would be very very foolish to just trust him to look after you and a baby going off his behaviour so far