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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that DP bought himself expensive gift without discussing it?

135 replies

CosyTeaBags · 15/12/2013 21:01

I have been with my DP for nearly 4 years, lived together for the last 2 years.

Last week it was his 40th birthday. We had a couple of friends over for dinner to celebrate, and when they arrived they presented DP with a 'gift'.

It turned out to be a £2k Rolex watch that DP has bought a a present for himself, which his friend (a fellow watch collector) has been looking after for him until his birthday, and his wife had gift wrapped for DP as a nice gesture.

I knew nothing about this at all, and had to ask several times, in front of our friends, what was happening - I didn't understand whether our friend had bought it for him, gone halves on it, whatever. I knew nothing at all, while our 2 friends knew all about it.

Now, I don't mind at all what DP spends his money on, it's his money, we have no DCs, each financially independent etc. BUT AIBU to think that he ought to have discussed this with me first, and not made me feel like a total idiot in front of our friends when I knew nothing about it?

I have told him that I feel that he doesn't consider us a partnership, that he ought to have told me about this first, and that I am hurt that he didn't consider my opinion on something as important as this.

He said he 'just forgot' that he had bought it... but on further pressing, he said he thought I would talk him out of it... so one of those versions isn't the truth Hmm

I should add that he is usually a wonderful partner, we are currently TTC, and hope to get married someday. However, this isn't the first time he has done something like this - last Christmas he just announced that he had ordered a £1k massive TV without discussing it with me...

I am pretty sensitive about stuff like this, as my Ex was a total commitment phobe and never considered my opinion on anything to do with his life, so I just feel a little hurt and insecure.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Screamqueen · 15/12/2013 22:53

Im another not getting the wrapping up thing, very odd!

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/12/2013 22:55

YABU with regards to what he spends his earnings on, presumably he still paid his share of the bills.

As for hiding it from you, im on the fence as you sound controlling and he is not a child.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 15/12/2013 23:07

It's the not being open and honest in the sense of putting you in a strangely awkward position that I hink is v v odd. It sounds manipulative and unpleasant and I would be pissed off too.

LadyBeagleEyes · 15/12/2013 23:11

What a weird way he had about getting the present. He wanted it all nice and wrapped so he could pretend it was a gift even though he bought it himself?
How very childish.

Caitlin17 · 15/12/2013 23:14

I can understand giving it to his friends to kspendp so he gets to wear it for the first time on his birthday. He might not trust himself to keep it until the day.

Whilst I wouldn't spend £2000 on a watch as it wouldn't interest me I don't discuss my expensive, personal purchases with my own money with OH.

rootypig · 15/12/2013 23:14

To all up thread overreacting, read the bloody OP, the friend was involved in buying it, he's a watch expert. Hardly "smoke and mirrors".

OP, YABU. Is he still honouring the in financial arrangement you have? Paying his share? That is what is key. Either you have separate finances or you don't. Which is it?

Caitlin17 · 15/12/2013 23:15

to keep safe,(stupid phone)

Snowbility · 15/12/2013 23:15

I see having a baby as a bigger commitment than marriage so yes I do think this is something you need to talk about. Dh would have done this in the early stages of our relationship without thought, but there was nothing behind it other than wanting something, having enough cash and buying it. It's important to agree a approach to money issues...it can cause big problems in a relationship.

rootypig · 15/12/2013 23:21

Ok I need to take my own advice Blush. Sorry. Seem to be really riled up tonight!

Still, think people are projecting a joint finance / DC scenario onto the OP.

OP, to be more helpful, you need to discuss your insecurities and the fact that your financial arrangement isn't working for you at the emotional level with your DP, before you have a child

lapetitesiren · 16/12/2013 06:20

The alarm bells are ringing loud and clear with the fact you had to ask several times. Its so disrespectful to leave you in the dark feeling like an idiot. Its controlling. Did he really by it himself or is it a gift from someone you don' t know about but his friends do. Whatever play he is in you need to be the leading lady not a bit part extra. Is he secretive in other ways?

SatinSandals · 16/12/2013 07:22

The problem is that you seem to have very different opinions on finances and it is something to sort out before you make deeper commitments.

ZillionChocolate · 16/12/2013 07:23

The secret keeping is weird/wrong. It suggests he does not respect you or trust you.

Even if you are conpletely self sufficient financially and would be while pregnant, I have serious concerns about you having a baby with him. Given that you are unmarried, you have no financial protection at all.

NearTheWindmill · 16/12/2013 08:14

Went to sleep thinking about this. Issue 1: trying to conceive and hoping he might marry you at some stage in the future. That needs sorting straight away - if he hasn't the commitment to marry you now; he won't have the commitment to become a family.

Issue 2: the watch - it's isn't really about the watch I don't think; it's about the lack of commitment to you which links to issue 1.

Issue 3: financial arrangements - if it's an issue to buy a £2k watch then presumably it wasn't an easy out of excess monthly income sort of purchase but rather a bigger one. In those circumstances if he's totally committed to you and wants you to share everything in his life then he would have included you in the decision. He didn't so for me that links straight back to issue 1 and raises Issue 4:

If £2k is a big spend made with consultation when you are trying to have a baby is there actually enough sensible responsibility here to make the baby decision viable. If £2k means a lot and will take months to save then that would be money better spent on nursery stuff and/or put aside for maternity leave, etc. Which links back again to issue 1.

AKAK81 · 16/12/2013 08:16

Are you sure it was only 2k? Sounds a bit cheap to me - must be crap Rolex otherwise! I hate the things - I'd find the extra cash and get a cheap used Patak Philippe.

WooWooOwl · 16/12/2013 08:22

I don't think he has done anything wrong unless you have discussed how you will manage big purchases and he has gone against something you both agreed to. But it sounds like it's your expectation that he should have discussed it with you that's the problem, not the fact that he spent his own money on himself.

This is one of those situations where being married has a benefit, because when you plan a marriage, people tend to take the time to discuss how they want these things to work after they are married.

As it is, you don't really have any solid commitment to each other, and he is free to spend his money how he wants, as are you.

Oriunda · 16/12/2013 08:51

Sorry but can't see the problem. You have separate finances and no DC. Am further presuming your partner can afford it. He asked his friend, a watch expert, to help buy it and that may explain how it is so cheap (all depends on the model/condition of course) if the friend helped negotiate a discount.

Yes, it's a bit sad he didn't discuss with you, but more from the point of view that he obviously feels you would have said no (which possibly means he sees you as the controlling one?).

rootypig · 16/12/2013 08:54

Good post Oriunda

LittlePeaPod · 16/12/2013 09:04

I keep thinking about this and wondering how I would feel if my DH got annoyed because I spent my extra disposable income on something (large purchase or not) after all household financial responsiblities where taken care of. Actually I would feel like he was been controlling probably tell him to kiss my rear. Grin

As long as your joint household financial responsibilities are paid then what's the problem? Yes he should have told you but like others have said he probably knew you would not be supportive, even though it is his extra disposable income. I would see it different,y if you relied on him financially but you have already said you are both financially independent.

And for those saying you cant get a Rolex for c.£2K. Yes you can. It's probably one of the entry level steel Rolex watches or possibly refurb second hand or a great deal from his dealer friend.

AKAK81 · 16/12/2013 09:10

I never said you couldn't but it is very cheap. Of course it's second hand. Most used ones start from about 4k so I think I'd be wanting to see a receipt.

peggyundercrackers · 16/12/2013 09:14

YABU - it was his money, he could afford it. why would he think you would try and talk him out of it? do you often tell him what he can spend his money on? Hmm

Original poster
CosyTeaBags · 16/12/2013 10:32

Sorry to disappear on my own thread - was sitting with DP all evening, so couldn't really contribute any more!!

It seems that there's a real mix of opinions here, between thinking IABU and IANBU. Thanks everyone for the views.

To answer some of the questions - Yes, we can afford it, so there's no real impact on our finances to spend this much on a watch. That is fine. It is something he has always wanted, and he wanted to treat himself for his 40th birthday.

The real issue was me not knowing, and feeling a fool in front of our friends. That, and what it says about how he sees our relationship - I feel that if he doesn't feel the need to discuss something like this with me, he doesn't see us as a real 'team'. He did say that he thought I might talk him out of it if he told me - we are both pretty careful with money, and he rarely spends money on himself. I think he felt a bit indulgent buying this watch, and didn't want to hear any reasoning against it to put him off. As it is, I'm happy that he has treated himself - but feel that it has been tainted by him hiding it from me.

The thing with the friends was innocent enough - his friend collects these watches, and DP bought it from his friend, at what I now realize is a considerably reduced price. So in effect, it was partly a gift from his friend, who then agreed to keep it for him until his birthday. Friend's wife wrapped it as a sort of joke.

Re our financial set up - I live in DPs house. He pays for everything, except I pay for all the food bills. I own my own house, which we use as a weekend home and I pay for everything there. DP earns more than me, and I have offered on many occasions to contribute more to the house, but he's happy the way things are. I have raised the suggestion of a joint house account, but he's not really interested.

Yes we are TTC - but there are complications, both of us have fertility issues and so we don't really have any time to waste as we could be facing a long road of fertility treatment as it is. So I think one of the reasons we haven't really discussed what happens with our finances if a baby comes along is that we're both scared to believe it could ever really happen for us. We are both of a 'cross that bridge if it happens' kind of mindset.

My DP is a wonderful partner, we are very happy together. He's a good man who would certainly not leave me in the lurch BUT this issue does make me nervous.

I think it has just highlighted the fact that he does still see himself as independent, he doesn't consider my input important on his major financial decisions. It also reminds me that there is no real commitment between us, and that frightens me a lot.

I think we need to set up a joint account for both houses, and start living like a real partnership. That way, if a baby does come along, there will be no issues around who pays for what etc.

We talked about this last night - I told him I was hurt and felt insecure about the commitment if he could just go and do something like this and not consider discussing it with me. He said he was very sorry, he made a mistake and didn't mean to hurt me.

I'm still pissed off, but I need to let it go now, don't I....

OP posts:
LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 16/12/2013 10:50

Yes, you do need to let it go but i can see why you are feeling insecure. TTC is a pretty huge commitment though, the biggest commitment in my mind. You are in a really good position, you both have houses - lovely to have the weekend home. As for the joint accounts - i'm not sure it would be more than a complication, you clearly both have enough money and the set up you have regarding money is working just now. When the baby comes along you will possibly be a SAHM or on mat leave - maybe there would be a shift then?

WooWooOwl · 16/12/2013 11:10

Having a baby is a big commitment, but it's a commitment to a child, not to another adult. People can be good parents without even being on speaking terms with the person they created their children with sadly.

MerryMarigold · 16/12/2013 11:15

Woowoo, I disagree. Part of committing to the child is committing to the other person in the knowledge that a secure relationship between parents will be best. Sadly, it doesn't always work out that way, and yes you can be a great parent despite that. But I would be questioning the parenting of someone who went ahead with kids, without a solid commitment to each other - whether that be expressed by vows, or financial cohesion, whatever.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 16/12/2013 11:24

No, actually, I don't think you need to let it go.

He obviously sees it as you living in his house and then him going to your house. He doesn't see one as 'home' and one as 'holiday' - that tells you a lot. He has made that clear by not wanting to share expenses of both and by going out and buying a massive, expensive TV which dominates a room, without discussing it with you (unless it's in his study or something?).

If he pays the bills 'on his house' and you pay the bills 'on your house' why are you paying for all the food and why are you offering to pay more?

He lied to you, to prevent you from stopping him doing something - red flag.

He kept it a secret and made you look like an idiot - not even answering your question when you asked him what was going on.

There is much more to 'living as a team/partnership/couple' than just getting him to agree to a joint account. That's putting the cart before the horse - the feeling needs to be there first, the bank account should come naturally from that.