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AIBU?

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Original poster

to wonder why men are almost always the non-resident parent

507 replies

womblesofwestminster · 15/12/2013 19:57

Yes, I know I could win an award for most clueless person, but please humour me.

Why is it that when parents separate, it's almost always the mother that the children live with and who has to do the bulk of the mundane parts of the childcare? While daddy gets to pay a cash sum each week, pursue his own interests most of the time and then be Disney the rest of the time.

Doesn't sound like a good deal to me.

OP posts:
BertieBowtiesAreCool · 15/12/2013 22:38

Huh, that's weird. I've never xposted and had my post appear above the other person's before!

needaholidaynow · 15/12/2013 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 15/12/2013 22:39

I suppose. I don't think I've ever heard anybody use the term "NRP" in real life though, only in discussions on here and in things like newspaper articles. But I can see what you mean.

thecatfromjapan · 15/12/2013 22:41

Thank you, Bertie. I feel less of a over-reacting grump now. Smile

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2013 22:41

I've seen a few Cat and didn't really want to single any out but I'll give you this one...

Yes, it costs more to have the child 50% of the time, but men are desperate to avoid having to pay money to the mother because they like to imagine that she's spending it on gin and having her nails done

It really, really galls them to have to send that cheque.

That description certainly fits some of the men I know but definitely not all of them.

Anyway, I've made my point so I'll leave it alone.

Not that I imagine it'll calm down the generalisations down but there you go.

AmberLeaf · 15/12/2013 22:42

NRP is not seen as a badge of shame. It is a descriptive term, what stigma?

If his children start calling him NRP then yes I'd worry, but he is just Dad surely?

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2013 22:43

X posted again Blush

Oh don't apologise, you weren't techy or rude at all...just putting your point across.

Xmas Grin Wine

AmberLeaf · 15/12/2013 22:43

But Worra, that is referring to the shit Dads who try to avoid paying child support, not every Dad.

How can good Dads or the women who love them get offended at that?

needaholidaynow · 15/12/2013 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thecatfromjapan · 15/12/2013 22:46

Wine @ Worra.

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2013 22:48

Amberleaf I know it's referring to them but it doesn't say so does it?

"Men are desperate to...(etc)" Is actually talking about 'men' and not 'some' (or even many) men.

OK I know it sounds pedantic but maybe there wouldn't be such stigma attached to being a NRP, if the stereotyping stopped?

Call a shit Dad a shit Dad by all means, but not all men are.

I feel the same when I hear "Women nag" and all that steeotyping shit. Yes, my Aunt could nag the bollocks off an Ox but not all women are like her.

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot · 15/12/2013 22:48

Ok Amber, what about this one?

Money is a man's greatest love after his penis Grin Children come after the woman and woman comes after the dog

Mumallthetime · 15/12/2013 22:52

My Ex and I care for my DD 50:50.

I know that if I'd been a bitch about it, I could have relegated him to being a weekend Disney Dad. The system still heavily favours mothers as the RP - even my own solicitor questioned my choice to allow my ex an equal role!

It is very slowly changing; but there will be a lot more DCs robbed of their fathers before society deems it unacceptable for a man to turn his back on his family or a woman to exclude the father of her DCs from their lives. Both is equally damaging and each self-perpetuated the other as this thread proves.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 15/12/2013 22:53

But needaholiday if they were to think that if your dh it would e because thats as their perception and nothing to do with the term NRP as surely he wouldnt use it to describe himself? Confused

My exp is a NRP but outside of MN i have never referred to him as that. He is always "the boys' dad".

AmberLeaf · 15/12/2013 22:54

Yes I agree Worra, it didn't say some men. But it was part of a fluid conversation that was talking about the shit CSA avoiders, so a little unfair to single out one post in isolation. The context of the conversation makes it read differently.

Think Ive heard that one or similar before Brandy!

I expect it is true of some men and someone who knew a man/men like that came up with that little ditty!

thecatfromjapan · 15/12/2013 22:55

Come on, Brandy. That was someone making a joke to lighten a grim situation. You are seriously in danger of coming across as the Speech Police.

Before you come out with the thing about: "You would call a similar joke about a woman sexist" I am going to put my cards on the table and say that I think sexism is a structural issue, involving power inequalities. that means that I believe that what is offensive in jokes where women are the butt of the humour is the wider network of sex and gender inequality.

That means that a group of women, or even a man, might tell a similar joke, with a woman at the centre, and it not be sexist, but a woman or man might, and it would. Context and intent is crucial.

In this instance, the joke is embedded in a discussion of financial inequality. I think I heard the laughter of the oppressed (in that situation) rather than the laughter of the oppressor, or the reproduction of the system of repression.

thecatfromjapan · 15/12/2013 22:57

"oppression" not "repression".

That really killed that joke.

PeriodFeatures · 15/12/2013 22:57

I met a really decent bloke the other day who had a very valid rant about public perception of non resident fathers. He and his partner had separated and had 50/50 custody. He told me that 40% of CSA claims are against mothers. I was really surprised. I have yet to check out whether this is fact.

AmberLeaf · 15/12/2013 23:00

6No I've never heard it in real life. But DP could be telling someone about his children and if he mentions the fact that he isn't with the mother of his daughter anymore, the wrong person might be very judgemental and assume he never sees her/ pays for her/ makes any effort with her at all^

He'd soon put them straight though wouldn't he?

I do think dads get a rough ride when they split with their ex partners

Some do, some get an easy ride. Lots of Mums get a rough ride too.

NRPs can get a lot of airplay for their woes though, RPs often just have to get on with it.

My exp is a NRP but outside of MN i have never referred to him as that. He is always "the boys' dad

Reading that has made me realise my ex is a NRP! like you he is 'the boys Dad' to me!

thecatfromjapan · 15/12/2013 23:01

I have to chill. I'm sounding way more cross and short-tempered than I should.

I suppose I am over-worried at the moment that mn is less available as a space where women can chat with some sense of freedom, without constantly having to qualify what we say.

I'm not an idiot. I have a son. I know men are human Grin . I don't see why I, and other women, should have to post that as some kind of ticker whenever we discuss anything that (eventually) touches on current inequalities. Sad

I don't know. Am I being over-worried about that?

AmberLeaf · 15/12/2013 23:04

He told me that 40% of CSA claims are against mothers. I was really surprised. I have yet to check out whether this is fact

Hmm was he wearing a batman suit?

Only 8% of single parents are fathers so I find that hard to believe.

AmberLeaf · 15/12/2013 23:06

I don't think you are thecatfromjapan. I know what you mean.

I often don't like some of the double standards re men/women on here, but this issue can't be discussed if we have to pretend that it isn't true that most NRPs are men and that lots are shit.

NoNoNoMYDoIt · 15/12/2013 23:09

It doesn't follow that 50:50is awarded when a man has done 50% prior to the split. I worked part time from time kids were born. Ex worked full time. Long hours. Away. Not home for bedtime or if he was it was just in time to kiss good night

Court awarded shared residence(60:40 in my "favour"). Because it was in best interests of the children. Even though he couldn't be there so had to employ a nanny to cover the days they were with him. Still in their best interests. They were 2and 4 at the time

Mumallthetime · 15/12/2013 23:14

He'd soon put them straight though wouldn't he?

You might be surprised how many men are embarrassed/ashamed that contact with their DCs has been withheld - it's really sad.

My DH is being really open about his current situation (his ex is withholding contact, has applied to court to prevent it and is considering applying to remove PR) - and several friends/colleagues/acquaintances have disclosed that they also have DCs with whom they have been prevented from having a relationship with by their Mum.

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot · 15/12/2013 23:15

I didn't see it as a joke thecat. Some people are very angry and bitter at their exes and do find it difficult not to project their own situation onto everyone elses. When a bunch of people are going on and on about how crap their ex is, how crap most men are and making jokes about "men" in general, that is where stereotypes come from and there is a stereotype that NRPs are feckless fathers.

There are lots of people who call NRPs "absent parents" as a generalisation. Because NRPs are stereotyped as absent fathers who wont pay and wont take responsibility for their children.

Yes, we hear about lots of crap fathers on support forums, could it be because those who are plodding along happily with their set ups don't bother to come onto support forums to ask for advice or have a rant about their ex.

It always surprises me on these types of threads, the number of posters who pop up saying "I have a 50/50 set up with my ex". It is actually a lot more common than it appears if you only read the Lone Parents forum.

The OP asked, why are men almost always the non resident parent? There isn't a one size fits all answer is there? There are lots of different reasons;

*because the father left the relationship and didn't want to be the resident parent because he's rubbish and selfish,
*because the father was working full time and the mother a SAHM or working part time and it made sense,
*because if applying to a court, the judges are generally biased that children should be with their Mums full times and children are perfectly fine with just seeing their Dads every other weekend,
*because society as a whole thinks the norm is that a child stays with it's mother following a split and Dad will get contact.