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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for a present?

59 replies

MerryMarigold · 15/12/2013 17:03

So...the thought of doing this makes me cringe in extreme. But equally, I'm quite cross they have forgotten him ds1's birthday (nb. It was hard to forget, as they were invited to his party but couldn't come).

They got our twins presents last month. We have had 2 family events since and before both ds said, 'I'm not expecting a present, but I'd be really happy if I got one.' Anyway, despite good intentions, he was desperately disappointed each time. He is 8. They gave us a little gift each for the kids for xmas but no birthday gift.

Wwyd? Swallow it and treat as a life lesson say something. I'm particularly upset as ds1 has self esteem issues and this is just another thing for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 15/12/2013 17:05

Sorry I should have said it is dh's brother and wife. They have similar age kids so they should know what it's like.

OP posts:
steff13 · 15/12/2013 17:06

Who are "they?"

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 15/12/2013 17:07

I wrote sil and bil in title but then changed it. On phone. Hard work!

OP posts:
MrsLouisTheroux · 15/12/2013 17:10

Presents should never be expected.

Primrose123 · 15/12/2013 17:11

I think YWBU sorry, unless there is some back story that we don't know about. His aunt and uncle don't have to buy him a present. It seems a bit unfair if they bought for your twins though and not him. You can't ask for a present though.

ZillionChocolate · 15/12/2013 17:12

Will a late present cure the lack of self esteem? I think it's unlikely. Maybe suggest not doing birthday presents at all from now on?

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 15/12/2013 17:13

That's what I thought. Hence him saying, 'I'm not expecting...' But a bit hard for an 8yo. Dd and ds2 got nice things. He will get over it. Just not helpful when he's going through other stuff Sad.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 15/12/2013 17:13

Have they given him a present for the previous seven birthdays?

bellablot · 15/12/2013 17:13

Why don't you tell your son he shouldn't EXPECT any presents from anyone and if he gets one then that's a bonus.

ChristmasJumperWearer · 15/12/2013 17:14

I wouldn't ask.

BIL did the same to my DD, forgot a birthday present for her one year and remembered DN's a month later. DD noticed. But I bit my tongue, it wasn't worth the bad feeling.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 15/12/2013 17:16

No back story I know of, bit you can never be sure with sil. I would hate to stop buying their kids, my dcS cousins, presents.

I don't think out would cure his self esteem, but out would help I think. (oh, they haven't forgotten all about me after all).

OP posts:
Creamycoolerwithcream · 15/12/2013 17:16

Of course you can't ask for a present.

bellablot · 15/12/2013 17:16

Why would you feel the need to ask for a present, I truly don't understand this but on the flip side why would they get your twins. You need to ask them and maybe suggest not getting any of the children anything in the future if it's going to cause agro.

Mummasmurf · 15/12/2013 17:17

I have a similar situation but it's that I've got one DC a DD.

All the rest of the family and friends have 2 or 3. We obv buy one present for each child but they just give us one back. I have just one friend who gets our DD one from each of her children which I think is really thoughtful.

MrsLouisTheroux · 15/12/2013 17:18

Why don't you tell your son he shouldn't EXPECT any presents from anyone and if he gets one then that's a bonus.
This ^ is good advice.
Your son would not be disappointed had he not been expecting something.

shewhowines · 15/12/2013 17:24

I disagree with most posters.

It's not fair on dc1. I would have to say something for his sake. They are family. It might be a genuine oversight. If it's not then they need to be pulled up on it for the future. In no way is it acceptable for family to treat dcs differently. It is none for all or a present for everyone.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 15/12/2013 17:25

Obv you cant ask for a gift, there is no way that is ever acceptable but it's really unfair that they bought a gift for your other two children I assume on their birthday? A month ago, but nothing for your third child for his.
they dont have to give gifts but its horrible to give some children in a family a gift but not others.
all you can do is teach your son to understand that a gift is only ever a bonus.
but id probably say to them that in order to be fair, they should not buy for your twins in future.
that way you are not asking for a gift, but you are asking that your children are treated the same!

Creamycoolerwithcream · 15/12/2013 17:43

I'd say nothing, why make them feel bad if they forgot? They have brought all the DC Christmas presents which was kind.

BettyFlour · 15/12/2013 17:49

mummasmurf are you saying that because you have one child but you buy gifts for each of your 2-3 friend's/family's children then your child should get 2-3 gifts I return?!? Wow! I've never heard of anything so grabby and entitled! You obviously misunderstand the point of gift giving. It's about giving not receiving

You should make arrangements with your friends and family not to swap gifts with your DD.

OP - no unfortunately you can't ask. But it's very thoughtless of your in laws. In all honesty I'd buy a present for your DS and say it's from Aunt and Uncle. As I think it's unfair the twins received something and your DS didn't. I'd then tell the Bil not to buy gifts for any of your kids in future.

BaaHumbug · 15/12/2013 17:49

I would ask them not to give birthday presents for the twins in the future as it's bad for your DS's self-esteem when they get one but he doesn't. If that doesn't shame them into remembering then at least it will mean all your DC will be equally ignored.

intothenever · 15/12/2013 17:50

Sometimes people have other things going on and forget somebody's birthday. It sounds like a good time to convey this to your son.

magesticmallow · 15/12/2013 17:53

"I have a similar situation but it's that I've got one DC a DD.

All the rest of the family and friends have 2 or 3. We obv buy one present for each child but they just give us one back. I have just one friend who gets our DD one from each of her children which I think is really thoughtful."

  • Sorry did I read that correctly????

OP YABU to ask for a present YANBU to ask them to stop presents for altogether and explain that it isn't fair to leave one out so maybe suggest not doing presents for any of the kids - but in a very nice way and I would wait until next year before the next birthday so it doesn't look like you are asking for one

BlueStones · 15/12/2013 17:53

Agree with BahHumbug.

I can't believe relatives would buy for some of the children, but not all. That's mean.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 15/12/2013 17:54

Thanks. For those saying he shouldn't expect, he KNOWS this. But I guess he was still hopeful (bearing in mind siblings got one) therefore disappointed, felt unloved etc . Is it really unreasonable to have felt hurt? Do you remember being 8?
He was actually really good about it, but I felt for him and particularly as he is going through things. I think hope it was a genuine oversight. I think if I said in future please don't buy my other kids presents sil would go mental at the perceived slight.

OP posts:
Ifcatshadthumbs · 15/12/2013 17:56

wow mummasmurf! You sound a bit grabby!

OP I don't think yabu, I think rather than ask for a present, next year I would say "I would prefer it if you didn't buy the twins anything as it's a bit hard to explain to ds why he doesn't get presents too"

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