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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for a present?

59 replies

MerryMarigold · 15/12/2013 17:03

So...the thought of doing this makes me cringe in extreme. But equally, I'm quite cross they have forgotten him ds1's birthday (nb. It was hard to forget, as they were invited to his party but couldn't come).

They got our twins presents last month. We have had 2 family events since and before both ds said, 'I'm not expecting a present, but I'd be really happy if I got one.' Anyway, despite good intentions, he was desperately disappointed each time. He is 8. They gave us a little gift each for the kids for xmas but no birthday gift.

Wwyd? Swallow it and treat as a life lesson say something. I'm particularly upset as ds1 has self esteem issues and this is just another thing for him.

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Creamycoolerwithcream · 15/12/2013 17:56

I'm surprised people would really say something when the aunt and uncle probably just forgot. Sometimes I/my DH have forgot to send my nieces and nephews a card. Their parents report this to my MIL and my DH gets 'told of' by his DM. I never mention it if they don't send my DC a card. I don't get all this expecting something and I teach that to my DC.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 15/12/2013 17:57

X post! I think it's perfectly normal for an 8 year old to be hopeful of getting a gift when he has seen his siblings get one just a month before.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 15/12/2013 17:58

Majestic mallow, if I wait a year will it look like resentment? Also their DC have a birthday earlier in year, which I will bit for, so I guess it could start from my DC next autumn.

After mammasmurf's post I am wondering if it's because they only have 2 kids and we have 3. I wouldn't put it past sil and bil thinking, 'we have given 2 nice gifts, so that's enough.'

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IloveJudgeJudy · 15/12/2013 18:00

I agree with shewhowines. Actually, I did forget one of my niece's birthdays (it was DH's sister's DC). She did ask me if I had forgotten. I was embarrassed, as I had. It was a genuine error on my part.
OP, can't DH ask her if she's forgotten, if it's his sister? Surely, there's no problem with that, although it was DS1's 18th birthday over a year ago and DB1 didn't get him anything. He said he was going to, and hadn't forgotten, but DS1 still hasn't had anything. Ihaven't mentioned anything in this case, as it has already been discussed.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 15/12/2013 18:01

Or maybe because they couldn't go to his party they thought they don't really need to buy a gift.

lostdomain · 15/12/2013 18:01

My auntie did this throughout my childhood. remembered my brother and sis but never me. They were both born near Christmas, so it was present buying season, but I was in summer. It was upsetting and I always thought she preferred them. Don't think she did, just that she forgot, and as we now live close to her, she is close to my DC and is lovely to them.

I'd buy a token extra present and wrap it up from them as a safety net next year in case they forget again. Then if they do remember, no problem, Your son's happiness and esteem is worth it, but not sure it's worth raising as an issue with them.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2013 18:02

Why can't your DH ask his brother why your DS was left out.

If it is normal practice for the all children to receive presents from their aunts and uncles, of course they'll be upset to be left out. And if those aunts and uncles change the system it is reasonable to ask why.

Yika · 15/12/2013 18:05

I'm going to against the majority. I would ask them to make it up, maybe by a special treat like an outing instead of a present? Maybe they thought it didn't matter because they weren't going to see him for his birthday? I wouldn't like him to feel bad if it could be easily fixed.

Yika · 15/12/2013 18:05

Xpost!!

Casmama · 15/12/2013 18:07

Without question I would get dh to ask his brother- why should you be sorting it out with your SIL?

You also didn't answer whether they have bought for him up to now. I would want to be reminded (nicely) if I had forgotten.

magesticmallow · 15/12/2013 18:08

No your ds in not being unreasonable to be hurt, poor little lad is only a child of course he was hurt but I still wouldn't ask for a gift. I would buy for hers and then before the twins birthday I would say, very casually, "Don't get anything for the twins birthday this year Mary", she'll ask why so you say "John was a bit upset last year when he didn't get anything, it's no big deal I explained you shouldn't expect presents but still I would rather do for all or none if you don't mind" I'd be really casual, not like I'd been waiting a year to say it, but it's either that or let her buy for the twins and if the same thing happens again what would you do?

AuntySib · 15/12/2013 18:08

I agree with you, it's horribly unfair. But they probably forgot - I doubt they would do this on purpose. It's hard to deal with the fallout - I have 3 sons, with 4 uncles - mostly they send presents, but do sometimes forget, and there are often often hurt feelings. When it's my brother who forgets, I tell him upfront that he missed X's birthday last week, and he will normally put his hand in his pocket and produce a tenner. But I don't feel I can do that with DHs brothers, and DH would never mention it himself, so it's just tough luck. Unfortunately it's the same son whose birthday keeps getting missed, probably because it's in the middle of the holiday season. So I sympathise, but no useful suggestions, I'm afraid.

anotherchristmasnamechange · 15/12/2013 18:11

mamasmurf - Unbelievable!!

OP - You wouldn't be unreasonable to say, "please don't buy birthday presents for just some of the children, either all or none".
Not surprised your ds was hurt. We don't expect presents, but then if a close family member forgot my birthday, I'd feel hurt, and I'm an adult. It's not about the gift, it's about being remembered.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 15/12/2013 18:14

I asked dh to ask, but it does then look like asking for a gift. They're never going to admit:
We only have 2 kids and we're sick of buying for your 3
Since we couldn't make his party, we didn't bother

I think I will ask dh to ask of it's any of those reasons or they forgot.

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Original poster
MerryMarigold · 15/12/2013 18:21

Yes, they have always bought. But, I noticed none of dh's family bought presents for my kids this year (which is fine, they have plenty, but is a 'change'). They are the only direct relations though and dd is close to cousin so they were invited to party. I just can't see sil coming to a party without a gift (she's definitely concerned about what people think of her), so I don't think we can go for the option of no presents, but I will present it as an option next year, or dh can if he is too chicken to speak to bro this year.

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PresidentServalan · 15/12/2013 18:21

YABU - there is no obligation to buy presents for other people's children. But if you do decide to ask them, be prepared for them to buy some crappy thing.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 15/12/2013 18:24

ds won't care if crappy, just that it's a present! But no, thread has moved on.

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PresidentServalan · 15/12/2013 18:26

mummasmurf Are you joking?? That is unbelievably grabby and a tad entitled. All you are doing is buying presents with the expectation of getting the same number back.

I had three cousins and I was an only child - there is no way my parents would have expected me to have been given three presents.

magesticmallow · 15/12/2013 18:31

I seriously doubt it has anything to do with you having one more child than them, nobody thinks like that, except mummasmurf Shock, but nobody else thinks like that

MeeWhoo · 15/12/2013 18:33

Can't you explain to them this other stuff your ds is going through and tell them that it's perfectly find for them not to buy him a present but, as he is particularly sensitive at the moment, would it be ok if you buy him something and tell him it's from them so he doesn't feel left out?

Casmama · 15/12/2013 19:02

You refer to "my" children not "our" children- is your dh the father of all your children?

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 15/12/2013 19:04

Meewho, I think that suggestion will be taken as passive aggressive!

Dh is going to...text , but better than nothing.

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Original poster
MerryMarigold · 15/12/2013 19:06

Yes he is father of all. Oops!

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Casmama · 15/12/2013 19:23

Ok just wondered whether that had a bearing.
I do think it is bloody odd your dh's family don't buy presents for your kids and buying for some but not is worse!

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 15/12/2013 19:38

Cas, my family are blinking lovely which just highlights their weirdness, but also compensates Smile.

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