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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that ones parents should not have to fund a second wedding?

54 replies

Tydna · 15/12/2013 09:32

If the parents are elderly and of limited means is it usual to expect them to fund a second wedding , for the same child? Particularly if they paid in full for the first lavish wedding.
Is this unfair to other siblings as well as the parents?

OP posts:

Nishky · 15/12/2013 09:34

Nothing to do with the siblings. Only unfair if parents are forced to do it against their will. Which is unlikely

sooperdooper · 15/12/2013 09:34

I think it's unfair for parents to fund weddings full stop and I'm always surprised these days it still happens, surely if you're getting married you're an adult and should pay your own way

comingintomyown · 15/12/2013 09:34

I didn't think that tradition existed full stop these days unless they wanted to pay

JRmumma · 15/12/2013 09:34

I don't expect my parents to fund my anything, first OR second time around!

AnneWentworth · 15/12/2013 09:34

Pretty ridiculous. If I ever need a second marriage (hoping not) I would imagine I would just pop off to the Seychelles or the town hall.

MrsWolowitzYouAMerryChristmas · 15/12/2013 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OddFodd · 15/12/2013 09:36

Its a bizarre leftover from earlier times when people got married young/couldn't have sex before marriage to expect parents to fund any wedding

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/12/2013 09:39

"Only unfair if parents are forced to do it against their will. Which is unlikely"

No, you see that's not how it works.

You can be incredibly unfair to people without FORCING them.

You can emotionally blackmail them, they can feel obliged despite having no obligation, they can be taken advantage of.

Asking your elderly and not well off parents to pay for your wedding is unfair and poor behaviour.

Asking them to pay for a SECOND wedding when they gave you loads of money for your first is pretty outrageous.

And yes, of course it's unfair on the siblings.

Most adults with elderly parents who aren't well off know they could end up on the hook for necessary expenses that can't be met.

For one sibling to be wasting what little money their parents have left could well leave the others having to pay for essentials in the future.

Not cool AT ALL.

Original poster

Tydna · 15/12/2013 09:43

Yep thats more or less what I was thinking. My elderly aunt and uncle have been put in this position. They are concerned that they are obliged to pay up and to offer a similar cash sum to their other children so that they all are being treated fairly! All their children are approaching middle age and two of them live abroad.
They are discussing equity release to obtain funds.
They have asked for my opinion.
I hate being put in this position, they lean on me quite heavily on a day to day basis. I want to be fair and I wondered what other people would think.
Thank you!

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 15/12/2013 09:46

I am sure I will probably get roasted for this!

I have never understood why anyone would want to steal from their parents pension by accepting any financial assistance for their wedding. Surely if they want to get married lavished or not they should fund the costs themselves. Understandably parents will want to support their DC but responsible, independent adult DC should fund their own adult choices and not scrounging from their parents.

I find it odd this archaic tradition still exists.

sooperdooper · 15/12/2013 09:47

Thinking on this more, it's equally unfair if the other siblings are feeling put out that their potential inheritance money from elderly parents is being spent on this second marriage!

If the parents want to pay its up to them but it's unfair for it to be expected or for either sibling to think they have a right to say how the parents spend (or save) their money

sooperdooper · 15/12/2013 09:50

OP in this situation I think your aunt and uncle should tell all their 'kids' to stand on their own two feet and bugger off with any suggestion they should stump up any money whatsoever

It's outrageous for their children to even suggest they should contribute financially, they should be utterly ashamed of themselves

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 15/12/2013 09:59

No I don't think they should be doing this , especially if the need to be doing Equity release to do it. I think the sibling thing is a bit of a red herring, they can't afford to do it. It isn't just the money they spend now but the extra they will pay in interest on the Equity Release

If they are elderly they need to think about how they would fund support for themselves in the future if they ever need it. Really bad they've been asked to do this in their circumstances.

eurochick · 15/12/2013 10:01

Another one here who doesn't understand why parents pay for any weddings these days when most people get married later and women can work (so you have 2 wages to save up).

NoComet · 15/12/2013 10:01

YANBU
Contributions to first weddings are traditional, but no one should ever feel forced to be party to wedding plans they are not happy with.

People should have the weddings, they can afford. Not some ridiculous lavish do because that's what, they feel, is accepted.

Yes, my parents and DHs parents contributed to our wedding (we were students, we couldn't have afford it), but it wasn't lavish. We got married in DHs local church, we had a buffet in the church hall, my aunt made my dress and my sisters as a wedding present. My other aunt made my little cousins. The men all wore ordinary suits (yes DHs was new, but it got him a job soon after)

LastOneDancing · 15/12/2013 10:02

If a parent can afford it and is willing, a 'gift' towards a first wedding is a lovely gesture.

But I'd choose a self-funded registry office & sandwich buffet at ours over putting my parents into equity release. No question. I'd feel sick every day of my life knowing I'd done that so I could have a big party.

Is their own child allowing this or are your relatives putting the pressure on themselves?

NoComet · 15/12/2013 10:03

Oh and 24 years later we are still very much married, so I guess it was good value

Onesleeptillwembley · 15/12/2013 10:04

I don't understand why any adult, particularly middle aged, would expect their parents to pay for anything. Whatever their actual age they sound too immature to get married.

FloweryTaleofNewYork · 15/12/2013 10:04

It's unfair to expect anyone to contribute to your own wedding. If parents kindly offer, fine, but expecting anyone to fund your own life decisions is bizarre and selfish IMO.

StealthPolarBear · 15/12/2013 10:04

"My other aunt made my little cousins."
Well of course she did :o

edamsavestheday · 15/12/2013 10:10

:-)

edamsavestheday · 15/12/2013 10:12

ooh, just found square brackets on my kindle keyboard!

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 10:14

I think it's awful that parents are expected to find anything - very outdated and very grabby/ greedy of the bride and groom.

When I got married earlier this year my parents and my DH's parents each made a contribution in the form of buying something for us (my mum bought the cake for example and his parents paid for a magician we had) but there is absolutely no way we would have accepted a huge financial donation from them. If two adults want to get married then it should come out of their own pockets!

I recently went to the most lavish wedding, got talking to the mother of the bride and she said that her and her husband, and the Grooms parents gave £15'000 each towards the cost.

meganorks · 15/12/2013 10:16

No one should expect elderly parents to fork out for a wedding the first time let alone the second! My parents are very elderly and won't be paying anything towards mine even though they did for sister. I don't think this is unfair at all as circumstances are different. My sister got married nearly 30 years ago and was quite young and my dad was still working.

If they could afford it and offered that is one thing. But if they are planning to release equity clearly they can't. And surely that us only their kids potential inheritence they are spending. I think they should just focus on getting them a nice wedding gift they can afford

meditrina · 15/12/2013 10:16

Well, some parents do give large cash gifts to adult children (weddings, property etc). But once first marriage or first property is in the bag, then the DC is launched and that's it AFAIAC.

This couple may need to word their Will carefully, as that's the traditional occasion for squabbling with siblings about half-buried long-held instances of unfairness (actual or perceived).

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