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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that ones parents should not have to fund a second wedding?

54 replies

Tydna · 15/12/2013 09:32

If the parents are elderly and of limited means is it usual to expect them to fund a second wedding , for the same child? Particularly if they paid in full for the first lavish wedding.
Is this unfair to other siblings as well as the parents?

OP posts:

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/12/2013 10:18

I think its awful children expect a first wedding to be paid for much less a second. Most weddings now are really just huge parties and there are far better things to spend money on like property or education.

TeamHank · 15/12/2013 10:19

I'm with those who find the whole idea of paying for your kids' weddings bizarre. I have friends with daughters who make this comment even now about how much it's going to cost them in 20 years time to find their daughters' weddings! I really hope my boys choose partners who will not expect us to fund their weddings - it's old fashioned bollocks.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 15/12/2013 10:21

I don't know anyone whose parents have contributed to their weddings. Everyone I know who has got married have funded it themselves by saving up (sensible) or taking out ridiculous loans (stupid, especially given it was the bride who insisted on the wedding, the groom who got the loans, and they then split up anyway!).

I wouldn't expect anything from my parents were I to get married (unlikely anyway) and as they're on pension credits they couldn't contribute anyway.

It just seems outdated and grabby these days.

mrsjay · 15/12/2013 10:21

I paid for myown wedding my parents gave us some money which we were grateful for but I wouldn't expect parents to pay for a wedding these days and a 2nd wedding pfft to that

Original poster

Tydna · 15/12/2013 10:22

They have been asked to fund the second wedding. They feel guilty because their daughter is not able to afford the wedding she wants. Basically she wants what she had the first time, a white wedding, church,wedding breakfast and evening reception.
The only way she can have all that is if they pay.
They desperately want her to be happy again. They can't quite believe that she has put them in this position. They don't want to think badly of her. But they do have limited funds. Last month they gave her a five figure sum for another purchase she needed to make. Which has left them without any liquidity.

The question about giving a similar amount to her siblings has been raised by my Aunt and Uncle alone. The other siblings would never expect it and I guess they would refuse the offer. It's difficult when they live on the other side of the world.

I think I have just got to leave them to it now, but at least I know that lots of you would agree with me. Thank you all!

OP posts:

mrsjay · 15/12/2013 10:24

their daughter sounds a spoiled madame tbh and the parents have enabled it it really is their own fault they can't say no imo

Smartiepants79 · 15/12/2013 10:30

My parents paid for my most of my wedding. I didn't 'expect' it. They had chosen to specifically save for it. It gave them great pleasure to be able to do it for me and they will do the same for my sister in turn.
If I was ever in a position to be getting married again I would expect nothing.
In some circumstances (if I was widowed for instance) then they might choose to help out but I would be furious with them if it involved them giving up money they needed for themselves.

Primrose123 · 15/12/2013 10:31

YANBU. I don't think the parents should fund this at all. They've done it once, now she and partner should organise and pay for whatever they can afford.

More importantly please tell your uncle and aunt not to do equity release. DH is a financial advisor and he hates it. In his opinion it's only really suitable for people who don't have anyone who will inherit from them, and only if they really need the money. He has met lots of people who have done equity release and regret it. He would never advise it for his clients.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 15/12/2013 10:32

If parents have money to give their children I think it makes sense to, especially if the tax man will be taking a huge chunk when they die. However this isn't the case here and the DD is being selfish and unreasonable

BlingBang · 15/12/2013 10:41

The parents created this spoiled, entitled monster so I don't really care. They could always say no, why don't they sat no?

thegreylady · 15/12/2013 10:45

I have been married 3 times. The first was when I was 21 and my Grandad paid. The next two we paid for ourselves. There should be no obligation for parents to pay at all unless they want to and can afford it.
When dd married we paid one third, her inlaws paid a third and she and her dh paid the rest. It was the same for dsd.

frogspoon · 15/12/2013 10:50

I am in the same position as smartiepants. My parents have been saving for years, and want to pay for weddings for me and my sisters. They would be very disappointed if they were unable to. The money is specifically allocated for that purpose and we would not be allowed to have it e.g. to help with a house deposit.

I would definitely not expect them to pay for a second wedding, I don't even expect them to pay for a first, I just know that is what they plan to do.

Ninasaurus · 15/12/2013 10:52

Since they asked for your opinion tell them very clearly that it is definitely not the usual thing!

She is being ridiculous and immature to expect a second wedding

Suggest they tell her that they budgeted for one wedding per child and there is no more money for her second wedding. (Couldn't her divorce settlement pay for it )

Original poster

Tydna · 15/12/2013 10:57

A development. My Aunt has just rung.

She visited my Aunt last night while her father was out and they had a heart to heart. She is going to alter her plans!

Panic over.
I needn't have had a sleepless night.
Again thank you all

OP posts:

mouldyironingboard · 15/12/2013 11:01

The question is would their daughter return the favour for her parents when they need her help? Will she take them in and care for them when they can no longer manage on their own? Will she raid her savings to pay for decent carers or a nice, private nursing home when the time comes? Will she pay for their funerals?

They need to explain to this daughter that they really do need to keep their equity unless she is willing to pay up for their care in the future. They should tell her it's the marriage that matters and not the wedding itself.

mouldyironingboard · 15/12/2013 11:02

Oh, I'm glad to hear that she spoke to your aunt!

dutchyoriginal · 15/12/2013 11:31

Glad about the update!

In general, what another poster said: If a parent can afford it and is willing, a 'gift' towards a first wedding is a lovely gesture. But it is by no means necessary or obligatory, and certainly not for a second wedding!

MrsAMerrick · 15/12/2013 11:35

Glad it's all worked out. Am that anyone would expect their parents to fund their wedding, whether it's their 1st or 5th, but then I am a cheapskate who cannot believe that people seriously pay 6 months wages+ for what is essentially a party. Bah humbug.

GemmaTeller · 15/12/2013 11:48

My first marriage (in the 70s when I was v. young) was paid for by myself, H, and both sets of parents,
My second marriage (recently) was paid for by myself and DH, it never crossed our minds that our parents would pay anything towards it.

My adult sons recent marriage was paid for by themselves with voluntary contributions (not asked for) by the parents and step parents - each set of parents does not know how much the others contributed, we just gave what we could afford.

Anothermrssmith · 15/12/2013 13:06

I'm another one that is amazed this came up - of course your relatives should not be expected to pay for a second wedding (or first for that matter). When I got married last year our parents each gave us money towards the big day but the majority was paid for by ourselves. The money was gratefully received but was never expected and if I was to get married again I would never even consider taking it - ESPECIALLY if they had to take out equity release to cover it.

But anyway it's sorted now,glad to hear it

NoComet · 15/12/2013 13:16

It's lovely to hear that families can sometimes actually talk

Thanks for the update

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 15/12/2013 13:18

My parents had a 'wedding fund' from when me and DB were born, it was traditional in ny parents family that the parents paid etc so they just saved up.

I got married in a church, big meal etc so they paid for it all, I got divorced 3 years later and they always said they would not pay again which is absolutely right IMO.

When I was planning the wedding to new DH they did pay for quite a bit but it was what they decided and there was no pressure from us of course.

Floggingmolly · 15/12/2013 13:20

I think it's obscene for an able bodied middle aged woman to expect her parents to pay for any wedding, tbh.

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 15/12/2013 13:21

Glad it is all sorted though, I often surprised on here when there are these issues and no one actually thinks to talk about it.

I think my parents were also worried about not being able to give the same to my DB if they funded a 2nd wedding and I would feel it wasn't right either.

TeamHank · 15/12/2013 14:54

I find it amazing that so many parents still think this is a sensible way to spend money in this day and age - we are also saving hard for both our boys' futures - this money will be allocated for uni or house deposit, nothing else.

The average wedding costs £20k and yet thousands of young people can't afford to buy a house.

We've got our priorities badly wrong!!!

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