to be annoyed at my inlaws for having a favourite grandchild?

[Notsoyummymummy1]

I have a 2 year old dd and she has a female cousin of the same age - let's call her Sophie (not her real name) who is the daughter of dh's younger sister. Mil looks after Sophie once a week as dh's sister works and I am a SAHM. My inlaws come over to see dd for a couple of hours once a week but obviously spend a lot more time with Sophie and know her better. Consequently all we ever hear about is Sophie does this and Sophie does that - whenever we tell them what dd has been up to - they just make it all about Sophie. They know very little about DD compared with my own parents.

DD is unfortunately much shyer round my inlaws whereas as Sophie is very outgoing so when we are all together the focus is very much on Sophie and I feel bad for dd. Things have got worse recently as dh's sister, her husband and Sophie have "temporarily" moved in with my inlaws while they do their new house up. My inlaws have cut down on their visiting because they've been helping them out with the move etc. and I can't help feeling DD is getting sidelined again. Dh feels the same way. My inlaws now look after Sophie a lot more while DH's sister and her husband go out or work on the house so talk about her even more. The other they rang dh and he said they were talking so much about them lot they didn't even ask how dd was.

We all get on very well and I don't want to jeopardize that at all but how do we deal with this to keep ourselves sane and to make sure dd isn't neglected? Has anyone else had this to deal with?

I doubt it's intentional on their part, but I understand how you feel.

If they're spending so much time with Sophie they may be getting their grandparent fix as well as having less time because they're looking after her. I know you want them to take the initiative in order to feel like they want to spend time with dd, but how about suggesting you, dd, pil and Sophie spend time together?

Also, when my mum comes to see dd she goes on and on about my dsis's ds, comparing hm to dd, etc. it was only when I spoke to my dsis's that I realised my mum spends the time with my dsis talking about my dd!

I think that grandparents frequently have a favourite and that will probably be the child they spend the most time with. You could always let your dd spend more time with them if it is important to you. It wouldn't be an issue for me. Your child is loved by you and your husband. She probably doesn't care if your MIL prefers her cousin. It is probably more hurtful to you and your husband but whilst it must be irritating it doesn't have to be a big deal.

My PILs live 2hrs from us. My BIL lives with them and his child stays at theirs several times a week. Therefore they know him better and talk about him a lot and sometimes compare milestones (they are the same age as my eldest).

It is bloody annoy at times but they are with this child 2-3 days a week and help raise them.

My children have a different support network and I guess their grandparents are a little envious of these 'strangers' who know their grandchildren better than they know them.

I don't see that this is favouritism, they just spend more time with Sophie so have her on their mind.

I wouldn't do anything and I wouldn't worry about it.

It is not done out of malice in this case, although I can see it is hurtful.

My DM has a favourite GC, my eldest nephew. We all tease him and call him Golden Boy. He is adorable, although at 23, he finds it all a bit annoying now.

From a different perspective, I look after a DGD several times a week, all my other DGC live many miles away from me. I have been a part of DGD from birth and am very close to her. I love her very much but I love all my other dgc just as much but dont see them as often so naturally I am not so close to them as they dont know me so well.

I dont see it as favouritism and I try to treat them all the same, its just that proximity makes you closer ifyswim.

Your situation is very similar to mine, OP, except they are boys. A year or so apart, dh's sister's son sees his parents at least 3/4 times a week. They take him on holidays/holiday with sil, he stays over a lot, they know him inside out. Ds gets two hours, once a fortnight.

However, now they're older 11/12 its just not a problem. It pissed me off for years but I just made sure ds spent loads of time with my parents and my (big) extended family. I avoided saying anything derogatory to ds about my in laws as I knew he wouldn't want to be there when he was older. He doesn't.

All id say is try not to take it personally and ensure your dd gets time with her cousin. Your dd will gravitate to the people who have made an effort with her. Your in laws will lose out in the ling run. Trust me!!

It's not 'favouritism' though is it? Well, not unless they buy Sophie lots of big/expensive presents while buying your DD a satsuma or frequently take Sophie to the Zoo and never take your DD (if she would go/you would let her go). It's just that they spend a lot of time with Sophie and less with your DD due to circumstances and probably it being their daughter and not daughter-in-law's child - it's the way most families tend to be.

It is annoying when you feel your child is constantly compared to another - but - you need to try to remember they are just making conversation - really, if you try hard to think about it like that, it's less grating!

I do understand though, my Mum lives in another country, near my brother and his children and sometimes I just want to put the phone down and come back 2hrs later. She will ask about us and I'll say 'Oh I ...' and then she will butt in again with something she's forgotten to tell me about my golden-boy-brother or one of the PGC - then generally berate me for never telling her anything At least it's not YOUR Mum and you have your parents to balance it all out a bit!

Grr. No idea how to tackle it. Becoming a problem here, too.

They are basically helping bring Sophie up whereas they are the traditional grandparents with yours. It is bound to happen. It sounds as if they don't get your DD on their own so the relationship is all through you, whereas with Sophie they don't have anyone in the middle.
Unless you leave your DD with them on her own it isn't going to change.

I don't see this as favouritism just that they spend a lot of time with Sophie and so she fills their thoughts. They probably think you'll like to hear about her.

My own MIL often bores me rigid with 'how funny' her other grandchildren are but I've found she does the same to my SIL talking about my two. She lives very close to the others and spends a lot of time with them so naturally she has more to say about them. It's just conversation and I try not to think about I too much.

As my eldest nephew has got older and 'less cute' it has reduced a little. Now we just hear how academic he is but again I try and take it with a pinch of salt and think she's probably doing it the other way too.

My DCs are the Sophies in this situation. My DM spends a lot of time with my DCs because we live fairly locally to my parents. Because they see a lot of my DCs, and have sole care for several days per week, they know my DCs inside out :)

My DSis, and hence her DCs, live twice as far away. This makes it too far to travel there and back in a day, and so much harder to visit frequently.

I know my DSis is sad that my DM has a much closer relationship with my DCs, but I can't see a solution to it. My DM can't travel to see my DSis as easily as she can travel to us, and DSis rarely travels to my DM. The only way to even things out would be to reduce the contact between my DM and my DCs, which seems a bit daft since they all get so much out of the relationships

In our case, the misbalance is caused by geography. The situation would be awful if there was favouritism without such an obvious, unavoidable, cause.

Dh's parents live over the road from dh's brother and ther children. We are only 10 mins away but they see a lot more of the others and have more input with the children.
I do feel a bit like they 'use up' all their grand parenting efforts on the niece and nephew so ds doesn't get much of a look in. They usually babysit when we ask but because they never offer we don't feel we can ask very often.
It is difficult but my ds is close to his other grandparents (though they live quite far away) so I don't think he realises yet or misses out on much. I don't know what it will be like as he gets older.

I definitely wouldn't say anything though - keep the peace. I learned that from bitter experience when we brought up a previous issue with the in laws and to say it caused problems and I really regret it is an understatement!

I wonder if this is about your DHs relationship with his parents and feeling his sister is the favourite?

If so, must be hard for him.

I do understand the proximity issues but some paople make more of an effort to be evn handed than others. Mynmum and dad have always done regular childcare for my DB, but they also make a real effort to see my DCs as well and are very fair about the gifts they give etc.

But i also agree with others that you can't be sure sure they don't talk aout your child to your ILs , nad what Satin says

I also agree that things can change when your children are older. Theybwill develop their own relationship with their GPs. I felt like the least favourite GC of my GM, because she definitely prferred boys, but we became much closer when i was an adult and used to vist her regularly and also spent a lot of time with her during her terminal illness. I have very fond memories of her.

Mine have a favourite grandchild too, but I don't mind. It's just down to circumstances and geography really. They live 300 miles from us but only 3 miles from BIL and nephew, and have been involved in looking after him since he was a baby.

My parents live close by and are therefore much more involved with my children.

Finally, i think it is overly emotional to use the term "neglected" in relation to your daughter, and that makes me wonder whtheer some of the emotion is being projected by your DH.

She has you, she has GPs on the other side, and she has her paternal GPs who, at the moment are in more of a childcare arrangement with their other GC

Thanks all - you've really helped me get some perspective. It's not a proximity issue as we both lived equal distances away from them before they moved in but yes you're all right - it's just a natural consequence of them looking after Sophie more and Sophie being more outgoing around them. They also look after her a lot overnight and over whole weekends while DH's sister and hubbie are out socialising so they've had much more opportunity to bond. We can't afford to go out at all but even so I wouldn't feel right leaving DD there overnight.

I guess it just hurts a little to see her get frequently ignored especially the other week when mil said she was coming to see dd then didn't show up and didn't call or apologise - we found out from fil that she'd remembered a prior engagement which is fair enough but she should have had the courtesy to tell me especially after I'd told dd she was coming and she looked sad and said "Gramma not comin'" - you can't help feeling annoyed.

Have invited her to come along to one of DD's activities after Christmas so hopefully that will redress the balance a little - although she's trying to get Sophie booked into the same activity now!! Aaaaargh!!!

I know it's hard, but honestly it'll be lovely if Sophie does-a relationship with her cousin will be great- grandparent are all very well, but a cousin the same get as you that lives nearby is a potential mate for life!

Dh's parents do this sort of thing a bit, but it is 2 way-they tell dbil bout their visits with us in interminable detail too! Can't you laugh about it with dbil and sil? Can't you just gently nudge dpil when they're there with you-so they focus on your dd when she's there.

Your dd will take your lead on this so put your feelings to one side and think about her future relationships.

I feel the same about my niece and my dad.

2 things though, what I didn't realise was that when my dad is with my step sister, he goes on about my daughter to her! Secondly, my step sister spends more time with my step mum and dad than I do, I can see them more if I want to in irder to even things out. You get out what you put in and share part if that responsibility.

Exactly the same as Joysmum. I've always felt that my DPs favoured my siblings over me, and that had continued into the next generation. Whenever we see them, it is DN this, DN that. and then I found that Sil felt the same way. When they are with DPs, it's always "little Just's" this, and "Little Justs" that. I doubt it's deliberate, but I'd make a point of trying to arrange to meet up more often (although, frankly I'd be sticking needles in my eyes if I had DIl's round once a week, let alone more than that! )

Just be blunt. My mum does it about my dn, (dm looks after her in the week I'm a stay at home) so when I can get a word in edge ways I says "would you like to ask about ds 1 or 2."

You only have to do it a few times before they get the hint

I know how you feel, MIL looks after SIL's little girl 2 days a week whereas she sees ours every couple of months or so, due to distance. I always think she talks and acts as if she's a new mum with a PFB! It's DD2 I feel sorry for, she is the same age and just doen't get a look in.

I note that Sophie is your in-laws daughter's child whereas your children are their son's. It seems that there is often a stronger bond through the female line of the family, than through the male - probably because of the strong relationship between mothers and daughters. Women are often the "glue" that keeps the family together.

It is awkward when two cousins are almost the same age - comparisons are bound to be made throughout their childhood. You just have to make sure that your child does not suffer as a result by keeping her confidence at a high level - one way is through encouraging hobbies and interests which she enjoys and nurturing her friendships and relationships with others.