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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at my inlaws for having a favourite grandchild?

58 replies

Notsoyummymummy1 · 14/12/2013 23:42

I have a 2 year old dd and she has a female cousin of the same age - let's call her Sophie (not her real name) who is the daughter of dh's younger sister. Mil looks after Sophie once a week as dh's sister works and I am a SAHM. My inlaws come over to see dd for a couple of hours once a week but obviously spend a lot more time with Sophie and know her better. Consequently all we ever hear about is Sophie does this and Sophie does that - whenever we tell them what dd has been up to - they just make it all about Sophie. They know very little about DD compared with my own parents.

DD is unfortunately much shyer round my inlaws whereas as Sophie is very outgoing so when we are all together the focus is very much on Sophie and I feel bad for dd. Things have got worse recently as dh's sister, her husband and Sophie have "temporarily" moved in with my inlaws while they do their new house up. My inlaws have cut down on their visiting because they've been helping them out with the move etc. and I can't help feeling DD is getting sidelined again. Dh feels the same way. My inlaws now look after Sophie a lot more while DH's sister and her husband go out or work on the house so talk about her even more. The other they rang dh and he said they were talking so much about them lot they didn't even ask how dd was.

We all get on very well and I don't want to jeopardize that at all but how do we deal with this to keep ourselves sane and to make sure dd isn't neglected? Has anyone else had this to deal with?

OP posts:

SatinSandals · 15/12/2013 23:14

It is a circle. They spend lots of time with Sophie, whole weekends with just them, Sophie sees it as a second home and is very confident with them, they enjoy that -and the more they do it the closer they all get. If you are not prepared to let them do the same with your DD then they will not have the same relationship. It is no ones 'fault', it is just the way it works out.
You are comparing apples with pears! A grandchild they see lots of , in their own home, in sole charge- with one they see far less of and always with the parents. You either leave things as they are and accept that the relationship isn't as close, or you actively throw them together without you. I imagine that you don't want to change things ,so you accept they know Sophie far better and Sophie is far more relaxed with them.

SatinSandals · 15/12/2013 23:15

It is nothing to do with son or daughter. My mother was closer to my brothers children simply because of geography- she saw them far more often.

Bettercallsaul1 · 15/12/2013 23:35

I do notice - amongst the people I know - that there is a stronger bond through the female side of the family. There are obviously exceptions to this, though.

SatinSandals · 16/12/2013 07:43

Lots of them I should think- women are often closer to their sons- probably why DIL don't like it!
It is circumstances- nothing more IMO.
If I have a visiting child that I have overnight regularly and I am the one to get up in the night for, cook meals for, change nappies , comfort when upset, take out for walks etc, all by myself or with DH,then it stands to reason that I will have a closer relationship than one that is always with parents, never stays overnight without parents, and who will have mother there to sort meals, come out on walks and comfort if upset.
Part of it is that when Sophie is there they talk just to Sophie, when you are there is is diluted because they can't ignore you so your DD doesn't get what Sophie gets.
Whose DC it is is irrelevant. If I had a grandchild that I saw once a week with parents and an unrelated child that I was responsible for on a regular basis then I would be closer to the one that I really knew well.

SatinSandals · 16/12/2013 07:52

My mother was closer to my eldest because I was a single parent, she had him overnight a lot and he used to get into bed with her in the morning for chats. There were just the two of them and they talked all the time.
I then had two more, close in age. They didn't need to talk as much, they had each other to play with. She was older - having 2 toddlers to stay was a bit much for her.
She hasn't got a favourite but understandably she still has a closer bond with my eldest because of all the shared memories, which she doesn't have with the younger ones.
With my brother's children she has the closer bond with the eldest because she looked after him as a baby when my SIL was ill.
OP can't expect her DD to be as close- she doesn't have the same opportunity.

ClaudiusMaximus · 16/12/2013 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SatinSandals · 16/12/2013 08:02

How odd- why?

ChristmasJumperWearer · 16/12/2013 08:03

Same here, although geography/proximity has nothing to do with it in our case.

My DCs are amazing little people and I'm very hurt that, in addition to SIL's boastful Facebook posts about them I know, I know about DNs, I also have to listen to PILs banging on and on about their achievements.

I've done all sorts to try to include PILs in activities to allow them to get to know our DCs better, but have either been rebuffed or DNs have to be included.

And then I see photos of PILs and DNs having days out together, close enough to where we live that we could have gone too (but it doesn't work in reverse it seems) and feel so sorry for my DCs.

They claim to treat all GCs the same but every time I go to SIL's house I see things that have come from the PILs. Not toys as such, but things they have made for them.

winkywinkola · 16/12/2013 08:04

My in laws find it easier to be with their dd's dcs because they are Jewish like them. Frame of reference and all that.

We are not so I think they feel a bit less comfortable with us.

blackandwhiteandredallover · 16/12/2013 08:04

Nothing wrong with having a closer relationship with one- the problem is when that child is the golden child who can do no wrong, the one who gets talked about all the time, even when the other GC are around.

For example, when my 3yo DD2 counted up to 20 in front of MIL her only comment was "do you know Sophie counted to 12 the other day- and she's only 2! Isn't that amazing?" No recognition of DD2 at all.

And she forgot DD2's birthday so I might have a great big chip on my shoulder

SatinSandals · 16/12/2013 08:05

If your son's children live 5 mins walk away and your daughters children 2 hours car ride away then you are going to be closer to your son's children.

SatinSandals · 16/12/2013 08:09

I think that rather than it be son or daughter it boils down to who leaves their children with grandparents more often. In some cases it will be DD who is happy and DIL who won't be happy. I was quite happy to leave mine with both mother and MIL, so it wasn't a problem. SIL used my mother far more because her own mother was working.

forthview · 16/12/2013 08:11

Gosh OP. Are you me. Exactly same in our family.

Totally agree with VonHerr. Good way of looking at it.

SatinSandals · 16/12/2013 08:12

Why not have Sophie around to your house, without any adults,and get the cousins much closer?

NearTheWindmill · 16/12/2013 08:24

I think it was a bit in your post though. They see more of Sophie who's the dd of DH's younger sister but your parents know much more of your dd than your in-laws do. I think it's also a bit about mothers and daughters, ie, you and your mum.

Your mum and dad know your dd more than your in laws but your inlaws still visit your dd for a couple of hours a week. Crikey you are lucky to be able to see them that much. MIL has grandchildren in Australia who are teenagers and she has seen them twice. MIL sees my older teenagers about three times a year; as do my parents. This is due to proximity.

Perhaps your MIL quietly thinks to herself oh thank goodness for DIL and DS who are standing on their own two feet and looking after themselves and she might be overcompensating a bit with Sophie whose parents are out gadding, living with her and need her for childcare.

Wishfulmakeupping · 16/12/2013 08:26

It seems that there is often a stronger bond through the female line of the family, than through the male

I've noticed this too with the majority of my friend and family. It must be hard for the dad's when their parents are closer to other GC.
And a couple of people mentioned about presents, personally I don't care if my dd is brought the same amount of toys as everyone else I'd be far more upset if she was not invited to days out that would hurt

DeckSwabber · 16/12/2013 08:27

I think this situation will pass soon enough as the girls get older and there are lots of positives

your PiL are clearly set up to have young children around, so you can be confident that your daughter will be well looked after if you do send her over for sleepovers. I would suggest that you ask them to have your daughter occasionally so that she gets to know them and feels more confident.
Sophie being the same age and sex as your daughter is a good prospect for a lifetime relationship, so if I were you I'd suggest activities together or take the initiative and invite Sophie over to yours.

MiaowTheCat · 16/12/2013 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VodkaJelly · 16/12/2013 08:53

I had to read your post several times to make sure it wasnt me who wrote it and forgot. The only difference is my 11 month old DD is being pushed out by the in-laws GREAT granddaughter.

MIL stopped working 1 day a week to look after GGD, no offer to look after her Grand daughter when i went back to work, they look after GGD all weekends so DP's neice can go on the piss, they have never babysat DD.

We all live within 5 minutes of each other but I can count the number of times they have seen DD on one hand. I too am sick of the "X did this" and "X did that", when the baby they havent seen for 2 months is sat with them.

We dont make the effort to come round any more, but they havent noticed as GGD virtually lives there. If I was MIL I would apply for the child benefit as she seems to be the primary carer!

SatinSandals · 16/12/2013 08:54

You either keep it the way it is and accept it,or you start letting your DS have a relationship with grandparents without you being around and you start getting the cousins together more by having Sophie around on her own and leaving your DD at Sophie's house without you. Or getting grandparents to have both girls together without parents.
The choice is yours.

SatinSandals · 16/12/2013 08:56

Did you actually ask them to have your DD while you work vodka? Often they don't like to ask.

BaconFrazzles · 16/12/2013 09:55

I get the same thing from my parents. I minimise contact with them now as no amount of talking about it with them or pulling them up on their behaviour made any different.

I have 3 DC, my sister has 2. My mum has my sisters' DC at the drop of a hat anytime she wants her too. She always says she's too busy to have mine. I have had to struggle along when ill in the past, when DH has been at work, whilst my sister only has to break a finger nail and my parents are over there, looking after my niece and nephew, and doing my sister's housework.

My sisters' children get kitted out in new clothes, coats and shoes. Mine don't.

All my mum ever talks about is my niece and nephew. If we are all together in a family get together setting she ignores my children, fusses over my niece and nephew, and expects DH and I to rally to help with my sister's children too.

What's even worse is my sister's DH's parents are the same over my sister's kids, as they have no other grandchildren. So my niece and nephew have two sets of doting grandparents, my sister and BIL get free childcare on tap so my sister can work and they can go out, whilst I have to arrange it months in advance with my mum if I want her to babysit whilst I nip to the shop alone! And even then she'll cancel at the last minute as she is needed to look after my sister's children.

I think it's awful behaviour. OP, have you ever pulled your in-laws up on it when they start going on about Sophie?

SatinSandals · 16/12/2013 09:57

You also have to remember that past babyhood their own personality kicks in. I am very like my father's mother and so we got on really well-my mother's relationship with her mother was irrelevant. In actual fact, as a 2 yr old, I was completely 'granddad's girl'-I adored him and followed him around like a shadow.

VenusDeWillendorf · 16/12/2013 10:02

Is she a favourite? Or just the one they see more of?

I think you're doing your own head in thinking in these black and white terms, and labelling.

Your dd sounds lovely, and will bloom in her own sweet time.

Arrange a play date with Sophie so your dd has a relationship with her. The grandparents sound lovely. Maybe they'd look after your dd for an hour or two as well, it would be nice for them to have another little grandchild there.

It's up to you to arrange your Dds social life: it's sometimes too easy when you're a sham just to stick to a routine and not meet many people, but you need to do this for your Dds development.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 16/12/2013 10:04

I don't think it's inevitable at all.

My brother and my sister and their children live really close to my parents and I live a couple of hours away.

My parents manage to be very close to all their grandchildren and don't constantly bang on about one.

There again, none of us use our parents as unpaid childcare.

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