Trying cry it out now, it's so difficult!

[sparklyskyy]

My son is 11 months old and has been used to being rocked whilst standing up to sleep until now but he's far too heavy to do that with so I'm now trying cry it out after exhausting all other avenues.

The horrible thing is I don't know if it's going to work and I'm worried it'll have a lasting effect on him His dad and I are both at the end of our rope spending up to 4 hours every night trying to get him to sleep. If he doesn't go to sleep while having his last bottle we know we're in for the long haul and we dread bed time every night. I'm up at 5am for work and my DP isn't in til after 11pm most nights with his work so bed times are so difficult. He used to go to bed at half 7 every night and for the past 2 weeks its been between 11 and 12 every night.

I hope I'm doing the right thing

Coldlight, yes that's what I've thought. I find it easier to stick with a routine than DP. I'll invest the 2 hours or whatever it takes doing the same thing to get him to sleep if it means it'll eventually work and he'll then subsequently go to sleep quicker thereafter. But, this next part is my fault, on the nights my DP is home and I can go to bed earlier when I start at 5am the next day I let him do bed time to give me a break. I have now realised that as I'm here most at bed times I'm going to have to take on the short term pain myself which has resulted in tonight. Last night he was crying worse than tonight and I ended up in his cot after being in his room the whole time and after nearly 3 hours I gave him another bottle and he went to sleep with that. I have a few nights with him myself in a row just now which is why I'm trying to find something that works now long term. I also have a spell off work over xmas so going to stick with being more consistent and trying to get him back into a better routine.

girliefriend - thank you so much. That means a lot

Mumsyblouse, yes I agree. My son gets more upset when he sees me and I feel like he's thinking "mummy you're right there but you're not picking me up". I have always wanted to cuddle or hold him to sleep too be close to him but he just fights it now which is why I've had to try something different.

My DP is an amazing dad but he goes for the easy option when it comes to sleep and would rather let him rumble about and play for a few hours then try again whereas I'll spend hours with him solely trying to get him to sleep.

Now he's been going to sleep later he's getting up about 9.30am which is not helping! I'll be getting him up early tomorrow at his old time of 7.30am

My dd was the same with the getting more upset when I went in, I used to have a very set bedtime routine and make sure she was warm, full up, comfy, the room was dark and had some soothing (mozart for baby bedtime) playing and then leave her to it.

I would set a timer and go back up every 5 to 10mins but quite often would hover around fretting by the bedroom door as i knew going in just meant putting the whole process back to square 1!! It never took more than 40 mins max though and if it did I assumed there was something else going on like teething or she had tummy ache. Normally she would moan a bit for about 20 mins and then settle and by a year I could lie her down and she would just turn over and go to sleep

You have to do what is right for your family, I know that this was the right thing for my dd as she was and is someone who needs her sleep - much like me

Honestly you have no reason to feel guilty. Personally I get really annoyed with people linking cc and NSPCC ads, 'theyve learnt no ones coming' etc. Doing cc is teaching a life long skill to your child, I'm assuming you meet all his other needs when he's awake, love, cuddles etc? Saying that leaving a child to cry for controlled periods of time will teach it you don't love it, ruin your bond, leave it with attachment issues is bollocks. You can not equate the effects of abuse/neglect with cc. We did it with our dd at about 10 months, it was hard but I've never regretted it, from them on she's slept 7-7 min, without fail. Watch it all go to shit when DC 2 arrives next year! Anyway, be consistent, stick it out and by Christmas Day you will have a happy to go to sleep baby and a nice evening with family for you. X

maybe you would like to do some research in to the effects of CIO

www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/science-says-excessive-crying-could-be-harmful

Not really, just the titles out me off, I think it's the word 'could'. It's just my opinion and I'm sure lots of people will be along to tell me otherwise but my common sense head kicks in and tells me that having a bit of a cry is not going to do lasting damage. I read somewhere that if your child wnted to do something dangerous, ie play with a knife, in the road etc you wouldnt let them no matter how much crying was involed. My dd certainly doesn't seem affected, she is happy, loving and independant.

If you don't want to do research then you cant stay no harm is done. What you refer to about knifes is different. You are there comforting them and reasoning with them.

Leaving a baby to cry in a room is abandoning them. You wouldn't do it to a upset adult or pet so why a baby? Its cruel.

babycalmblog.com/2011/09/12/controlled-crying-miracle-cure-tough-love-or-dangerous-misunderstanding/

Op - my heart goes out to you, this must be so hard.

If you're inclined to stick with CIO, do so regardless of what some people here say - it does work, it's less crying overall, and regardless of all the angst around it, no one has yet proved that it does the slightest bit of lasting harm.

BUT... you do need to be doing it right. It doesn't sound as if you are atm, with the inconsistency of approach between you and your DH. you definitely need to get tough with him I'm afraid otherwise it just won't work and your DS's distress will be unfairly prolonged. You're teaching DS a new skill - how quickly would you expect him to learn to spell correctly if one day the word is "apple" and the next it's "appul"?

Try putting it to DH in those terms - by taking the easy way out for himself, he's putting his son through unnecessary pain and slowing his progress towards contented, healthy sleep. Sorry, but it's one of those times where the parent needs to be the parent and put themselves through something 'orrible for their child's sake.

You have already had a lot of advice but i felt i had to reply and just say that i identify with you post completely...the behaviour you describe from your ds and your feelings describe my situation to a t!

I spoke to my hv about it and she actually recommended controlled crying. Both my partner and I were at our wits end, exhausted, emotional, arguing and angry constantly through sheer sleep deprivation. My ds was cranky and tired looking because of his lack of/interupted sleep. Everyone has a breaking point where they dont know where to turn and will try anything and it sounds like you have reached yours.

I think a lot of people who have never considered controlled crying either dont have dc with these sort of extreme sleep problems or manage to sucessfully co sleep (your ds sounds like mine in that he wont settle cosleeping either now), because i cant believe that anyone pretty much stays awake constantly for the first year of dc's life rather than try some sleep training. It is like many things with parenting - your preconceived ideas and feelings about things go out the window when you are desperate.

I did try the cc...for two nights...and i had all the exact same desperate feelings as you. My ds go ill after the second night (coincidence i think but made me feel even worse) and I found it a relief to decide it wasnt for me and go back to the drawing board. I dont have the answers (yet!) im afraid, but i seem to be having some success with gradual retreat at the moment, and by addressing night wakings by lying him back down and comforting him/placing my hand on him. I dont think i had ever really tried it because i didnt think it would work.

The method i am using means i dont interact with ds other than to lie him down every now and again, but mainly just sit by his cot. This means my ds still cries when i sit in his room, but i feel a lot less awful about it knowing that he can see me sitting there and knows he is safe. I know it feels wrong still ignoring them crying to be picked up when youre in the room but i think it is more out of temper than anything, and if you persist, you will find hopefully thay the cry sounds a lot less distressed, he settles quicker, and you can feel happy that he knew you hadnt abandoned him for a second.

Also just to add, i have the same problem with my own dp who is so inconsistent, i think through laziness. He walks out the room to do things during his stint or says it isnt working and lifts him out to rock him in his arms or in his car seat. It is very frustrating because it undoes all of your hard work!!