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AIBU?

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Original poster

Trying cry it out now, it's so difficult!

86 replies

sparklyskyy · 14/12/2013 20:54

My son is 11 months old and has been used to being rocked whilst standing up to sleep until now but he's far too heavy to do that with so I'm now trying cry it out after exhausting all other avenues.

The horrible thing is I don't know if it's going to work and I'm worried it'll have a lasting effect on him Sad His dad and I are both at the end of our rope spending up to 4 hours every night trying to get him to sleep. If he doesn't go to sleep while having his last bottle we know we're in for the long haul and we dread bed time every night. I'm up at 5am for work and my DP isn't in til after 11pm most nights with his work so bed times are so difficult. He used to go to bed at half 7 every night and for the past 2 weeks its been between 11 and 12 every night.

I hope I'm doing the right thing Sad

OP posts:
OHforDUCKSchristmasCake · 14/12/2013 21:11

Get a second hand rocking chair.

Coldlightofday · 14/12/2013 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OHforDUCKSchristmasCake · 14/12/2013 21:11

(i got my gliding chair when ds was 18 months old!!)

Original poster
sparklyskyy · 14/12/2013 21:11

I've been going back in after a few minutes, then 5 mins after that. He's suddenly quiet after 30 mins of this. Just about to go and check on him. I feel like the worst mother in the world.

OP posts:
AutumnWind · 14/12/2013 21:12

Let alone the cumulative amount of time they are left.

I always think of that NSPCC advert "X doesn't cry anymore as he has learnt that no one will come to him" (can't remember the exact quote)

ThreeGoMad · 14/12/2013 21:12

Could you try an earlier bedtime? Longer routine to wind down? Gradual retreat?

Where are you? If Cheshire I know of someone who comes highly recommended for sleep problems.

ChazzerChaser · 14/12/2013 21:12

When mine got heavy rocking standing up, I started rocking sitting down. Sometimes he's harder to get to sleep, sometimes it's easy. It goes through phases. IME friends who have done CIO go through phases too. It isn't a long term solution as far as I've seen. Of course it's a hard thing to do, that isn't going to go away. You're not responding to your baby's cries, that is going to be hard. You know there's alternatives if you don't want to do it? But there's no magic bullet whatever you do, including CIO.

AutumnWind · 14/12/2013 21:13

If it feels wrong, don't do it...

Original poster
sparklyskyy · 14/12/2013 21:14

I've previously been in his cot with him several times after it worked once but since then it's not worked, he just gets more when I'm with him on his cot or in the room. That's why I've tried it this way.

Maybe it's cc I'm doing? I'm not sure, I've read up on them all and I hated the sound of any of them but nothing else was working.

OP posts:
OHforDUCKSchristmasCake · 14/12/2013 21:15

Sparkly you are NOT the worst mother in the world, but I know that feeling. Someone telling you that you arent doesnt make a dent, even if they are right.

I let my eldest cry it to sleep over and over for weeks and months it was so bad.

I tried EVERYTHING. co-sleeping, rocking, shushing, patting, all the books, all the guides, all the rules, all the rods in the backs NOTHING worked. Id have gladly had a rod in my back, at least Id have found a solution.
Awful thing is, CIO wasnt a solution either, but he had to cry Id exhausted every avenue.

What is he doing now?

valiumredhead · 14/12/2013 21:16

CC should start at 1 min, then 2,3 and so on. Literally stand with a watch and time it.

Coldlightofday · 14/12/2013 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LEMisafucker · 14/12/2013 21:17

Have you spoken to your HV or doctor, maybe there is help locally? I am also against CIO, it is probably something that needs to have been done when they are really little for it to work. We had lots of issues with DD and to be honest with you, we tried worked apart from letting her lay in bed with us, and then subsequently laying in her bed - only thing is, we are still doing it - and she is 8!

Thinking "aloud" here - you say that you have a routine, i wonder if you should completely change it, or abandon it - those things are telling him its time to go to sleep - he doesn't want to (even though he needs to) so is setting him up for the angry crying.

Ladyglamalot · 14/12/2013 21:17

FFs-the op has already posted she is at the end of her tether so can we pack it in with the "oh I couldn't do that to my ickle baby" remarks-so not fucking helpful.

Original poster
sparklyskyy · 14/12/2013 21:17

Autumn, that advert had been going round in my head and had since I had him and that was my argument against it but when you've tried every other avenue and you can't do anything else.... Surely it's completely different to being left alone to cry in all situations and not receiving ANY care and love at any point? He knows I'm here. I've been going in no longer than 5 minutes apart at the very most.

OP posts:
wintersdawn · 14/12/2013 21:18

I've got friends that did controlled crying with great effect but I think it depends on the baby and the reason that the sudden crying starts. Mine has always been a decent sleeper (at least at the start of the night) and has recently become a nightmare but I know it's teething and just something we need to work through.

I can't deal with leaving them to cry it out but find that running as soon as a sound is made is just as bad. I tend to leave my DS to build into a decent cry (can take between 20secs and 5mins) and then go to him and settle him again, sometimes it takes one settle sometimes a couple.

You have to find what works for you, you being stressed by whatever you do isn't the answer.

Mumsyblouse · 14/12/2013 21:18

Well- frankly, if he's taking up to four hours to put down, and crying hysterically when you try to gradually withdraw, then some crying is going to be inevitable and I'm guessing you've been having lots of crying at bedtimes anyway, and my own belief is its better to have a little CC (and I mean controlled, going in, shhhing, reassuring, but then leaving) to avoid more crying through sleeplessness, general discontent in the daytime and general upset for the whole family.

If he was happy and content in the day and he wasn't crying a wink at night and not over-tired, I'd say do it the long way if you want and I have done this successfully (gradual withdrawal) but there comes a point and I've seen it with children of this age whose parents rock them to sleep at night that everyone gets overwhelmed with tiredness, including the children as they are having disturbed nights, poor daytime napping and general awfulness.

So- the question is more which is the shorter route to less crying in the next six months and it may be CC right now.

OHforDUCKSchristmasCake · 14/12/2013 21:19

I really feel for you. Ive been there.

Ooh another thing that worked with DS2 (nothing worked with pfb) was a hair dryer.

Could you try that?

anotherchristmasnamechange · 14/12/2013 21:23

Yiou're not a ib iad mum, you're desperate, and nobody who has felt desperate through sleep deprivation should judge you. I don't agree with CIO but doesn't sound as though you do either. Do have a look at the No Cry Sleep Solution.

Can you sit down and rock him? Explain it's time to sleep, do the full bath, story, milk, sleep routine? How many naps does he have? Perhaps moving his nap time would help? Does your partner ever put him to bed? I find that mine settle better for him than me. most important thing to remember is, it does pass. They do settle themselves to sleep when they're ready. Don't let anyone tell you that rocking him to sleep neans he'll never self-settle. He will. My three are all brilliant sleepers now but they haive all been rocked, fed and cuddled to sleep, and co-slept as babies - all learnt to siettle themselves naturally. At 2, 4 and 6, they all go to bed at 7 and sleep through. Don't lose heart.

LEMisafucker · 14/12/2013 21:23

Lady - no one is being anything other than kind and understanding on this thread. Unfortunately no one can have the answers for any one baby - I am surprised there aren't more advocates of CIO, but its not something i would feel comfortable with.

OP - what does he do if you read to him? not a picture book - something longer and "boring" so you are effectively talking to him?

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 · 14/12/2013 21:25

Ladyglamalot well said! There's always some that will get on their high horse. OP feels awful enough without the perfect mother posse circling.

Really hope it works quickly OP Thanks

Ladyglamalot · 14/12/2013 21:25

Mentioning an advert that is about child abuse in relation to Cio is being "kind"? Really?Hmm

Coldlightofday · 14/12/2013 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoraRobertsismyguiltypleasure · 14/12/2013 21:28

This is what we have done - Try having a mattress on the floor. Give your DS his last feed, read a story or have a quick cuddle in a dim room, with no chatting. Then lie down with your DS on the mattress, say it's sleepy time or something similar and then don't talk again. If he crawls on you, hug him and lie him down next to you again, just keep lying him down. Keep some part of you in contact with him. If he is screaming try shushing and patting whilst cuddling him close. After two months of this our DD now lies down, wriggles around a bit, then lies still with a hand on me or my partner before falling asleep. It takes between 10 and 30 minutes now. She sleeps for 11 hours once gone off.
I really believe that some babies just don't like being in cots. Also, if they are screaming and you are cuddling still you don't feel that awful guilt.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 · 14/12/2013 21:28

Lem makes a good suggestion with the boring reading.
I done this with my own, took a mag or one of my books and just read it aloud, a lot of times it worked.

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