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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for half DPs family's presents?

81 replies

isitnormal · 14/12/2013 14:59

I've been with DP 2.5 years. He moved into my house in January and we pay half and half for mortgage / bills / food, etc, but the rest of our money is in separate bank accounts for us to spend as we wish - we earn roughly the same amount.
I have a very small family, just my mum and dad, whereas in addition to his parents he has 4 siblings, plus their long term partners.
DP seems to think I should go half and half with him on the 10 presents for his family whereas I envisaged buying presents for mine and him buying presents for his.
I've spent a lot of my own money on the house recently including buying a new bath and fridge without asking him for a penny because they were things I felt we needed and he felt we didn't.
AIBU to say no to paying for half his family's presents?

OP posts:
MrsPresley · 14/12/2013 15:02

Depends, if the presents are from both of you, then yes, you sold pay half, and he pays half of yours.

If they are only from him then it's up to him to pay, will you giving his family a separate present?

goshhhhhh · 14/12/2013 15:04

If the presents are from both of you & you receive presents in return then yes yrbu - a bit

But then again we've always taken an 'ours' approach to money not a yours and mine....so maybe we do things differently.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 14/12/2013 15:07

I'm just trying to envisage what I did in the past - and I bought DP's family separate presents from him.

Now, with DH, it's only his mum and I tend to buy her the present anyway; or I get her one from me, one from our DSs, and DH might think about getting her one from him, or he'll just piggyback onto whatever I've got her.

I think then, that if you are buying his family separate presents then of course you shouldn't have to pay in to his presents; but if you're NOT, then it's reasonable that you should give a contribution - but then I'd want some input into how much was being spent, not just get presented with a bill!
Is he paying into your presents for your family too?

Parker231 · 14/12/2013 15:07

If the presents are from you both, pay for them from the joint account ? Sounds like you are operating as two single people.

Original poster
isitnormal · 14/12/2013 15:08

No, he's not paying into the presents for my family, although I intend on saying they're from us.

OP posts:
Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 14/12/2013 15:09

Well if he's not paying into your family presents, I fail to see why the fuck he thinks you should pay into his family. Same rule for both, IMO.

MoreThanChristmasCrackers · 14/12/2013 15:10

We have a joint account for this and money comes out of there for everything. We don't do own money though, its all combined income for us all, it works for us.

Original poster
isitnormal · 14/12/2013 15:11

We don't have a joint account, just two separate bank accounts - he transfers half of our living costs by direct debit into my account every month - I owned the house for 8 years before he moved in and already had all my direct debits set up, so it just made more sense to do it that way. There's no spare joint money after bills are paid IYSWIM.

OP posts:
MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 14/12/2013 15:11

Hmmm.. we have one account, so technically we both pay for all gifts.

It makes sense that you pay for yoyrs and he pays for his but then if the presents are really from.both of you then I get why he would want you to contribute.

Do you spend a set amoubt per person, or do you soend, say, 200 on your family and he spends 200 on his?

Or, have a present budget for all gifts to come out of?

Things like this make me love that we have a joint accoubt.

scottishbelle78 · 14/12/2013 15:13

If he expects you to pay half for his families gifts than he should do the same for yours.

Original poster
isitnormal · 14/12/2013 15:14

There's no strict set amount per person. I've spent more on my mum and dad than he has on any individual member of his family, but the cost of my 2 presents don't add up to the cost of 10 of his.

OP posts:
anotherchristmasnamechange · 14/12/2013 15:14

It does sound like you are operating as two single people. I don't think I could live with "his money" and "my money" - if you're a couple then surely it's all joint resources?

Pooka · 14/12/2013 15:14

I always bought for my family, and (now) dh for his.

In the old days, we had our own money. Now it's all in one pot. So essentially, the presents are paid for with our joint money. But I still only buy the presents for my family and he buys for his mother and brothers/nieces etc. We would, of course, out both of our names on the tags/cards. It works out pretty much even - although dh has mor nieces and nephews, my mother, brother and father all have Christmas birthdays and so I wouldn't imagine we spend disproportionate amounts.

Pooka · 14/12/2013 15:16

It's not as if the basic cost of the present has increased, or that he is buying more presents than he would have if he hadn't moved into the op's house. So why is he expecting to have half the presents paid for by op? all he has to do is add her name to the gift tag and she can add his name t the tags for her family. No need for money to be passing hands really.

Original poster
isitnormal · 14/12/2013 15:18

Pooka If our families were more similar in size like yours , there wouldn't be an issue.

I think later down the line when we start a family we will pool all of our money. For now, I enjoy having my own, except for when it comes to situations like this!

OP posts:
BohemianGirl · 14/12/2013 15:20

Will your family buy him presents, and will his buy you one?

DP seems to think I should go half and half with him on the 10 presents for his family whereas I envisaged buying presents for mine and him buying presents for his.

I've spent more on my mum and dad than he has on any individual member of his family, but the cost of my 2 presents don't add up to the cost of 10 of his.

Tell him you are more than happy to go halves on all present buying - then put your hand out and ask for his half towards your family presents!

But as this is the first year you are together, it is something that needs discussion before next year.

Pooka · 14/12/2013 15:21

Sorry, am on a roll now. Part of the reason we did things the way we did was because I was absolutely certain that I did not want to become responsible for sourcing and choosing his family presents ever ever ever. I'd seen my mother busting a gut buying presents for EVERYONE and did not want that to happen with me, however subtly and gradually.

So we kept it very separate until a few years ago when the money became totally joint but the present buying responsibility was entrenched with each of us responsible for our own families.

caramelwaffle · 14/12/2013 15:21

In that case, I think yanbu.

mummymeister · 14/12/2013 15:21

if you are living together as a couple then it should be joint presents for both sides in joint name and jointly paid for. otherwise at what point do you envisage giving joint presents paid for like this? when you are married? never? the living together bit is the start of your life as a couple. this means sometimes paying more in than you get out and sometimes the other way round. if you aren't ready for this then why bother living together anyway.

Original poster
isitnormal · 14/12/2013 15:21

I don't think he was expecting me to pay, per say - he simply asked me today if I was intended to pay half and I said I hadn't as I wasn't expecting him to contribute to my mum and dad's presents and he looked a bit surprised, but didn't challenge this. I mulled it over and felt a bit guilty, hence posting here to ask whether I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 14/12/2013 15:22

But isit - he would be buying those presents for his family whether he was with you or not, wouldn't he. It's not a joint cost. You would buy the presents for your parents whether or not you were with him.

So - either he coughs up towards your parents' presents, or you pay for those and he gets his own family's presents. Honestly, he can't have it that you have to contribute to his family but he doesn't have to share your costs, that's ridiculous, doesn't matter how many people are in each family!

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat · 14/12/2013 15:23

I think he is being unreasonable. He let you pay for large appliances without any guilt, I think if you want to keep to buying your own families presents that is fair. Does he expect to spend more overall on his family if you were to pool your money or would he be happy with your family getting more expensive presents?

In my relationship though we do normally pool money and buy for both sides of the family. This year, money is a little short and I have cut down which my partner didn't really want to so he is forking out extra for his side.

Pooka · 14/12/2013 15:25

I absolutely don't think you are being unreasonable at all!

I also advocate keeping money separate while it works for you.

We did the same, but not rigidly - so that as circumstances gradually changed so did the financial set up to leave us in an equitable position. For example, I mostly SAHM but do some freelance but that is quite sporadic. So it makes sense for us to have one pot now. It didn't 15 years ago, Pre kids and marriage.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/12/2013 15:25

Me and my husband are the opposite - he only has his mum and dad on the scene whereas my Christmas List comprises of 9 adults and 5 children to buy for. Those 14 are just my mums side of the family - I don't have much contact with my dad's family so no Christmas Expenditure, which is a blessing as there are loads of them!!

Mine and my husband's financial situation is the same as yours, a joint account for all 'house' stuff and then we each have an individual account too.

I would never dream of buying all my families presents out of our joint account as I think it would be very unfair of me. I obviously put his name on all the tags though, lol - I'm not that petty Grin

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 14/12/2013 15:25

So you buy for your parents and he for his, then as a couple buy the SIL/BIL gifts.