Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for half DPs family's presents?

81 replies

isitnormal · 14/12/2013 14:59

I've been with DP 2.5 years. He moved into my house in January and we pay half and half for mortgage / bills / food, etc, but the rest of our money is in separate bank accounts for us to spend as we wish - we earn roughly the same amount.
I have a very small family, just my mum and dad, whereas in addition to his parents he has 4 siblings, plus their long term partners.
DP seems to think I should go half and half with him on the 10 presents for his family whereas I envisaged buying presents for mine and him buying presents for his.
I've spent a lot of my own money on the house recently including buying a new bath and fridge without asking him for a penny because they were things I felt we needed and he felt we didn't.
AIBU to say no to paying for half his family's presents?

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 14/12/2013 16:51

Also, what is he like about maintenance (of the property) and replacing other things - carpets/curtains/kitchen? You might need to be careful that you aren't doing all of that because he knows you will if he says he can't see the need for it.

Why did you differ over the bath & fridge needing replacing?

For example - I have chosen to replace the bath because it's old and the entire bathroom is being re-done, if your DP said to me 'we don't need to' I would be very Hmm and put my foot down, because it does need replacing even though it still holds water! We would be going 50/50.

I would like to replace the fridge because it doesn't work very well and I would like a bigger one - but it's actually doing the job for now so I'm waiting until next summer it's more affordable given the rest of the work being done in the house right now. So my compromise would be to wait a bit, his would be to go 50/50 when it does need replacing.

I can see why you have the financial arrangement you have - you just have to be very careful to make sure it's working fairly and that it's reviewed when significant events take place. I have a few friends that have arrangements like this and frankly, once they have had kids, it works out very unfair and all of them should have put their foot down about how it was going to work going forward!

travailtotravel · 14/12/2013 16:52

We have a joint account for all household expenses and our own money - regardless of earnings, both have the same spending cash.

Luckily our families are the same size but we each buy for our own from both of us ...

Mattissy · 14/12/2013 16:54

Gift fund, each put half in then agree budget on each person making siblings equal etc.

You shouldn't pay to his family if he isn't paying to yours, the cheek!

Original poster
isitnormal · 14/12/2013 16:56

You just have to be very careful to make sure it's working fairly and that it's reviewed when significant events take place

I think that's a very fair point. Once I have kids I certainly don't expect to be paying over the odds to maintain the house.

I don't think he's' using "it doesn't need replacing" as an excuse not to pay his share, I genuinely believe he doesn't think it needs replacing - our standards to differ in that sense, which I realise may become an issue if we don't talk about it.

OP posts:
sykadelic15 · 14/12/2013 17:10

We've been married for 4 years. We have our money in separate bank accounts but are on each others accounts. DH pays the household bills (elec, cable etc) and I pay for groceries, car insurance & rego, and other incidentals.

We've always done it this way because as I was the immigrant, my husband is the one who had a job and had to pay the bills from the get go. He prefers to pay the bills (financially, I'm the one who actually goes online and pays them) because... he does. He likes knowing that if I were to lose my job/quit that the bills are under control. Works for us!

So for family presents I've always paid for my families (they live overseas and I use my overseas bank account to pay for stuff). We buy our friends presents with our own money, and I don't think we've ever bought presents for his family but it would be with "mine" most likely because its an incidental... unless it's a stupid expensive present.

expatinscotland · 14/12/2013 17:13

YANBU.

onedev · 14/12/2013 17:23

YANBU - I think you should each buy presents for your own families & put the names of each other on the gift tags.

DontmindifIdo · 14/12/2013 18:02

Has he been renting perviously? If so, he probably has more of a "it'll do" attitude, because it's not his and he wouldn't be living with whatever it was for 10 years....

Anyway, you are just at the "2 people living together" stage, not the "family unit" stage, he can buy his own family's gifts.

Original poster
isitnormal · 14/12/2013 18:12

Yes he was renting previously and he definitely has more of an "it'll do" attitude. One of his closest friends owned the house and shared it with him - things DID get replaced in their house, but only when they were in shreds!

OP posts:
Minnieisthedevilmouse · 14/12/2013 18:15

So let me get this straight it's

His family
Your family

Not our family?

Surely all money is your money as in both of you? So whether or not it's one pot. You are paying whether you realise or not surely? As if he's spent 70 that's 70 less in to the house. Wouldn't it just be simpler to say presents for everyone is say 250 which you both put half into ?

DontmindifIdo · 14/12/2013 18:20

But Minnie - they haven't pooled their finances yet, so it is her money/his money - they aren't married, don't have shared DCs and don't have shared assets.

Original poster
isitnormal · 14/12/2013 18:21

I get your point Minnie I am paying if you look at it like that. Thing is, he's gone out and bought the presents for his family, over which I've had no say and only now he asks for half the money. So it feels odd them being from "us".

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 14/12/2013 18:22

So, the presents FROM his mum, dad, sisters brothers, are they just for him or will they be for YOU AS A COUPLE?

DontmindifIdo · 14/12/2013 18:22

(In the same way if the OP wanted to spend her spare cash on designer handbags, it's none her DPs business, so long as the OP pays her share of the bills)

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 14/12/2013 18:28

I guess I don't get why he's asked for the money tbh. I buy present for my mum I put both of us on it. He does same on his. Whether I spent a tenner or fifty. I just buy the gift. Wouldn't then say dh give me 15 towards it. It's all out of the same place. I realise you aren't married but if your living together it's serious, you're beyond dating. I'm not sure you can say that you haven't pooled assets if he's paying any bills on the house. If you see what I mean? He has rights if he's paying in to it I think...?

4yoniD · 14/12/2013 18:34

My husband and I also have 2 separate accounts and separate money. His family is huge, and he has a daft habit of spending lots of money on presents for his immediate family. We have at times earned very different amounts of money, and I generally don't approve of how he spends his (£100 on booze for the night etc) so separate accounts are very necessary, and we just argue out discuss joint spends as they come up.

If we were apart, he would still buy presents for his family - as would I for mine. Therefore I pay for presents for my family, he pays for his. It is up to me what I buy my parents and up to him to spend huge amounts of money on tat to buy what he wishes for his family.

I think your DP is having an attack of twatishness myself, although others would seem to be on his side.

DontmindifIdo · 14/12/2013 19:06

Minnie- I guess it's different experiences and expectations, for most of the couples I know, they effectively acted like housemates (split bills, but beyond that were financially separate) until they either got married or had DCs. The three account set up seemed the most common before children (each had separate accounts and then a joint account for bills both transfer money into).

It does always seem strange to me that so many people on here have a collective attitude to money even when there aren't any dcs or a legal commitment like marriage.

Caitlin17 · 14/12/2013 19:20

I'm half a couple of getting on for 28 years and I don't understand this giving and receiving presents as a couple. It seems really weird.

I give my presents to my family which I pay for.. He may or may not give presents to his family.I don't know Neither of us wants or expects or gets presents from the other's family apart from his mother who gives me a generous present. I wish she wouldn't. My brother and his wife give OH a small gift because I take them out to their local posh country hotel for dinner just before Christmas. They live a distance from us and me and my son, but not OH go. He likes my family., but they are mine not his. I'd rather have them to myself.

We each get presents from singleton friends. The friends get a present from him( usually picked by me and he reimburses me) and a present from me.
We are not a two headed being. The last wedding we were at we picked separate items from the list.

eggsandwich · 14/12/2013 19:23

My dh and myself always buy and pay for our own family's presents but we put on the tag that its from both of us, I think you need to sit down and discuss this to iron out any future problems.

Caitlin17 · 14/12/2013 19:29

Minnie in answer to your question ,my family, his family, our family, very definitely my and his.

His blood relatives are to various degrees related to my son, they're not to me. The people his.blood relatives are married to have no.connection to me or my son.

If OH left me or died.some of his.family I expect would keep in touch with my son. I'd have.no reason to continue any contact with them, nor they with me.

ImperialBlether · 14/12/2013 19:32

Is that because you don't like them, Caitlin?

5HundredUsernamesLater · 14/12/2013 19:41

I live with my partner and we both have separate accounts but I tend to do most of the christmas shopping out of mine for both families just because I love christmas shopping and he hates it but we are taking our parents out for lunch on Boxing Day and i know he will pay for that. We both have some direct debits for household bills out of our accounts but ive never really worked out who pays the most. I would think it probably roughly evens out over the year.

Original poster
isitnormal · 14/12/2013 19:58

Caitlin "We are not a two headed being"

  • that's exactly how I feel about me and DP, regardless of how similar we are in so many facets of our personality, that kind of relationship wouldn't work for us.
OP posts:
bishbashboosh · 14/12/2013 20:06

We just put aside money for presents, it doesn't really matter who it's for, it all goes in one pot

LongTailedTit · 14/12/2013 21:20

If he wants you to chip in for the cost, you need to have a say in the buying.

Ie you wanted the big retro fridge, he thought a budget Beko would've done.
Therefore, he may want to buy his siblings designer presents, whereas you may think a Boots toiletry set would do. Wink

If/when you do marry/sprog and join finances, this needs to be discussed again and decided. One person doesn't get free rein with the joint account card without the other's agreement!

With DH and me, I tend to buy all the presents for both sides on the joint account (tho I try to get him to do the legwork of finding out what his side would like).
Before we combined finances, we set a rough budget per family and both contributed to the pot - as DH liked to spend more, I asked him to contribute more (my family don't 'do' expensive presents, his do).

Swipe left for the next trending thread