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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for half DPs family's presents?

81 replies

isitnormal · 14/12/2013 14:59

I've been with DP 2.5 years. He moved into my house in January and we pay half and half for mortgage / bills / food, etc, but the rest of our money is in separate bank accounts for us to spend as we wish - we earn roughly the same amount.
I have a very small family, just my mum and dad, whereas in addition to his parents he has 4 siblings, plus their long term partners.
DP seems to think I should go half and half with him on the 10 presents for his family whereas I envisaged buying presents for mine and him buying presents for his.
I've spent a lot of my own money on the house recently including buying a new bath and fridge without asking him for a penny because they were things I felt we needed and he felt we didn't.
AIBU to say no to paying for half his family's presents?

OP posts:
whereisshe · 14/12/2013 15:25

Why does he think you should pay for half of his family's presents? Particularly if he's not paying for half of yours?

DH buys his side (although I do all the kids eg nieces and nephews because I find it more fun to look for stuff than he does), and I buy for my side. But it's all from our joint account. We do discuss budget beforehand though. Prior to having joint finances I just did my side and he did his. Cards always from both of us regardless of who pays.

shoppingbagsundereyes · 14/12/2013 15:26

I think it's a sad way to go on. It's Christmas, you are a couple and presumably intend to be long term. Presents should be from 'us' and paid for by 'us'. My uncle's wife had your attitude. She used to spend her £300 budget on her three relatives and buy lavish gifts. He had the same £300 for his 20 relatives. It made her look tight with us and unfairly lavish with her family. They are no longer married partly because she had that kind of attitude to lots of things.

Caitlin17 · 14/12/2013 15:26

He is being utterly unreasonable. I buy presents for my brother, sil, nephew and mother from my money.I buy a present for his mother from my money as she always gets me something.

I've no idea who he gets presents for out of his large family, we never see them but I'm definitely not paying for any.
My brother and sil will get him a small present from both of them, he doesn't give them anything but my presents to each of them will be very generous to compensate.

Volume121 · 14/12/2013 15:27

My DP and I manage our finances in much the same way as you do OP.

He pays for gifts for his family and friends (Christmas, birthdays, weddings etc) and I pay for my family and friends' gifts. All gifts are marked from both of us.

We agreed on this early on in our relationship, it's a set rule that we stick to and it works for us.

Original poster
isitnormal · 14/12/2013 15:27

mummymeister I did mention that I pay for a lot of things for our home and don't ask him for a penny - so I certainly don't mind paying over the odds for lots of things and don't resent that.
I've always valued my financial independence and don't think makes me not ready to live with my partner - we love living under the same roof as each other and get on extremely well.

OP posts:
UmpireHalfTimeKids · 14/12/2013 15:30

Sounds like an x of mine. He always successfully argued his case.... that i should pay half the rent & bills even though he earned twice as much. He said he shouldnt have to subsidise me.
Later i realised that he was a mean spirited ungenerous tightwad who was never wrong.
Present-buying probably means more than present-buying

mummymeister · 14/12/2013 15:31

I must be really old. I am Shock at the number of people in a long term relationship that they clearly think will last who don't see the pooling resources bit as an important aspect of the sharing part of a relationship. over the years we have earned different amounts that have gone into a joint pool. if I want to buy something for myself that is expensive then if I need it/can justify the cost to myself then I just do. same with DH. why does sharing the money in one pot make you feel any less independent or any more dependent on the other person. we have "our" money which I spend. simple really. as I said above, I am clearly old and out of touch. just cannot get my head around these "half" relationships where you live in the same house but still have your "own" money to spend regardless as to your partners situation. if you buy for X family members then surely as a couple you get X presents back OP? say his mum bought him a wok. would you not use it on the grounds that it was his present and not jointly and that you hadn't bought their present? Confused

Caitlin17 · 14/12/2013 15:32

shopping bags OH and I have been together since 1985 and have always done it this way. I married him not his family, they're his family, not mine.

whereisshe · 14/12/2013 15:33

I think Pooka makes a really good point about the buying effort - how you fund the purchase is one thing and can be part of a wider discussion re finances (which it sounds like you're ready to have anyway given the fridge etc), but the effort and stress of finding quality/affordable/thoughtful presents can really add up. He should keep responsibility for that aspect for his side, unless you have a real thing for present buying.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/12/2013 15:36

mummy - me and my husband have separate accounts because he likes to spend money on expensive cars, season Tickets and Golf Club Memberships, lol - I'm not having him dip into my salary to fund his choices, lol Grin If he wants to fritter away money on that then fair enough, it's his money, he earns it Smile I on the other hand prefer to spend my money more wisely!

mummymeister · 14/12/2013 15:37

OP I value my financial independence to. I just see it as working as hard as my OH to contribute to the joint finances "pulling my weight" in other words. I just don't feel the need for a separate secret stash of my own money.

mercibucket · 14/12/2013 15:40

have you made sure he has no entitlement to your house if you split up? if so, i think you should be paying for new baths etc. if not, i would advise caution.

yanbu but i do wonder how far apart your general approaches to money are, he sounds a bit 'whats mine is mine and whats yours is mine too'

misskatamari · 14/12/2013 15:42

I think it depends on if his family will be buying you presents as well as him OP. If they are it seems fair to contribute.

I think at this stage of the relationship it's fine to keep things like this separate if that's what you're comfortable doing. Might be something I decide in advance for next year.

DH and I have been together 8 years and I think after the first year we have presents together - i consider his family to be my family now anyway and we share finances so it's bit an issue (although it is a bit annoying that his family is huge and I just have my mum - I just get her more presents Smile). I unfortunately am the wife who spends ages buying all the presents as DH is bloody useless at it and they would get nothing otherwise (which I believe was the case before I came along).

Kundry · 14/12/2013 15:45

I don't think YABU at all, mainly because I do exactly the same. My family is also just me and my mum (dad sadly died last year) while DH has both parents, 2 siblings, their partners, their children - he buys presents for them all.

While I do think it is 'our money' I could see myself rapidly taking on the wifework of a whole heap of present buying and paying for, for people that really aren't very meaningful to me (some of whom I would in an ideal world never see again, let alone buy presents for).

Now I do mine, he does his and we have a budget (my mum's present costs more than any of his but less than the total) which represents the 'our money' element. I don't care how this may 'look' as no-one but me and my mum see her present and when you come from a small family and join a big one, it's easy for you to feel swamped. Some things I do for an individual (my mum) may be bigger than what he can do for his family but she is my total family.

Original poster
isitnormal · 14/12/2013 15:48

When you come from a small family and join a big one, it's easy for you to feel swamped

Couldn't put it better myself!!

OP posts:
HombreLobo · 14/12/2013 16:03

I've been with my partner 8 years and we have the same financial set up. We moved in together very early in the relationship so not ready to pool finances so all bills came out of my account with my partner sending me his share each month. Since then I've never seen a compelling reason to change this as it works fine for us.

We buy presents out of own money for our own side of the family but write both names on the tags.

Kundry · 14/12/2013 16:07

Thanks, DH and I have had WW3 2 years in a row over Christmas until I finally grasped this was the issue and managed to spit it out.

Over Christmas we will spend 3 weekends with his family and 1 with mine. He thought this was fair as it was one weekend per immediate family member. To me this feels like a great big slog round his family with no space for me and mine.

Next year we have agreed to trial a new system whereby he buys all adult presents for his family (I am hugely looking forward to this as I suspect despite his drama insisting I buy 500 presents, when it's his responsibility he'll buy none Xmas Grin) and seeing as none of his family work over Christmas and I do, he can meet up with most of them while I'm at work.

Looking forward to it!

MrsCampbellBlack · 14/12/2013 16:07

I don't think you are unreasonable.

But with regards to your house - is it just in your name? Because if so, I can see why he wouldn't want to fund a new bath etc.

Original poster
isitnormal · 14/12/2013 16:26

The house is solely in my name yes - I had no issue with him not contributing towards the bath.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 14/12/2013 16:30

I am worried, OP, about your house. You say your boyfriend is paying for half of the mortgage. Is he, or is he paying you rent? If you were to split up, would you anticipate selling the house to share the proceeds between you? Please don't say 'he's not like that.'

He doesn't see why he should pay for the fridge or the bath; you have paid, which seems to indicate that you're the landlady and he's the lodger. He's happy to use the bath and the fridge, isn't he?

Now he expects you to pay for half of his family's presents but hasn't suggested he pays for half of yours.

I think you need to think really carefully about this man. I know you get on well and I know a good man is hard to find, but please, please protect yourself financially.

samandi · 14/12/2013 16:38

Hmm, do his family buy you presents? Perhaps if you get a lot of presents from his side then it's fair to contribute to theirs.

DP and I pay (and choose) for our own families but we have pretty equal numbers so it isn't an issue.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 14/12/2013 16:38

Given how you treat your finances (at this point in time) I really don't understand why he was even asking you? ... and no YWNBU in your response. He should write your name on his gift tags and you his.

What is he normally like re money?

MrsCampbellBlack · 14/12/2013 16:43

To be fair to him, he needs to protect himself too if he's paying half the mortgage etc.

IamChristmas · 14/12/2013 16:43

I'm in the same boat op, I do want to contribute to his families presents, because they always get me something and they are nice people. And I always make him get my family something ( I say make but he would probably do it anyway). But because my family is two people and his is 6 it means I spend way more on his than he spends on mine.
It's annoying but it's just the way it is, I'm still only making a small contribution really, he pays for the majority of his families presents and I pay for the majority of mine.
Not sure if that makes any sense now it's written down!

Original poster
isitnormal · 14/12/2013 16:48

Imperial

If I paid for half his family's presents he would be happy to pay for half of mine - his family's presents total significantly more though.

He's never scrimped on his family's presents or presents for me, although he's loathe to spend any money on himself - he walks around with holes in his boots and glasses he can barely see out of because his prescription is 3 years old!!

It's not like he put his foot down and said he wasn't paying for half the fridge or the bath - I didn't ask him for anything in the first place, as buying those items was my decision.

I'm quite happy to spend a decent amount of money on a lovely cream retro fridge, whereas he'd want to buy a budget one as he couldn't care less what it looks like - as I don't want to make that compromise, I think it's only fair that I pay for it.

I know he's been putting money aside every month to buy me an engagement ring, and I didn't want to put him under financial pressure by asking for money for other things too. I guess when we're married the question of what's mine / his will be immaterial!

OP posts: