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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed the In-laws are feeding my baby without me knowing?

100 replies

laughingeyes2013 · 14/12/2013 00:21

He's 6 months old. 4 months 3 weeks adjusted age.

We've been weaning about a month and I'm combined feeding.

I've discovered that SIL has been out and bought some weaning food to give to my baby when MIL babysits.

I always provide some milk, either expressed or formula (depending on time of day). I make it clear when would be a good time to aim to feed so as not to disturb the times I need to BF.

I've got so my milk comes in at certain regular times of the day, and their messing about with timings can really screw it up. For example, they feed an hour before I'm due to BF, making it impossible to be comfortable or maintain supply (so I have to express extra to compensate).

Also regarding the weaning, we're only on 2 meals a day which they're aware of but just ignore, thinking they can do what they want when they want.

I've deliberately avoided wheat for another month (until his adjusted age of 6 months) because on the few times he tried it he seemed a little unsettled after.

They've just been and bought some baby cereals! Grrrr.

Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

BabyDubsEverywhere · 14/12/2013 23:25

All mine were eating meals at the same time as the rest of the family about a week after starting weaning (about 5.5 months) But by 'meals' I mean trying a bit of food... not a 3 course jobbie! think you need to let go a little bit if you receive free childcare from family, I have been that provider ad it sucks o be told that you putting yourself is worthless as you didn't stick religiously to the list..

BabyDubsEverywhere · 14/12/2013 23:26

sorry for typos - baby is being a bugger!

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 14/12/2013 23:32

I think this is a different set up though.

We're talking only a few hours at a time. Really not enough to warrant a lot of feeding.

In truth barely enough to even need a drink for those who would have a baby go 4 hours (mine can't so I don't try obviously).

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 14/12/2013 23:35

A few hours at a time every day?

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 14/12/2013 23:45

Like I said it varies.

This week we've had 1.5 hours babysitting straight after a feed of 7oz hungry baby formula. I supplied expressed milk 'just in case' and picked up a baby who'd been baby fed cereal (3rd meal of the day).

Then there was 3 hours babysitting with milk supplied as usual. Again baby fed unnecessarily at the start AND end of that session.

I haven't been keeping a record so at a bit vague but I am aware its happening more regularly than necessary.

OP posts:

Xmas2013MN6233 · 14/12/2013 23:58

to be fair, you aren't there, isn't it better that they feed him than he is hungry, if you are weaning him anyway??

I know when my mum has my babies (and this doesn't happen until weaning stage) I just leave it to her judgement.

AmandaCooper · 15/12/2013 00:00

Just sympathy from me, OP. It's very difficult to get the balance right in a situation like this. I always have to express after I pick DS up from MIL's. I get very engorged and uncomfortable. First thing I have to do when we get in is run round getting out the pump with DS wriggling under my arm. She feeds him to within an inch of his life. He's a bit older now so we're having the butter and sugar in everything battle instead of the introducing food groups battle.

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 15/12/2013 00:02

I fail to see how desperately hungry a baby can be in 1.5 hours when a) they're supplied with a bottle of milk in case of 'hunger' and b) they've just been fed a lot of milk PLUS food before the 1.5 hours babysitting has begun.

Doesn't it smack a bit of just wanting to play dollies with a real live baby and not really thinking it through?!

I know babies are supposed to refuse food if they're not hungry but believe me, not all little piglets actually do!

OP posts:

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 15/12/2013 00:05

Thank Amanda. Yeah I had a similar problem with my first baby who at 18 months was always fed crisps and cake for lunch (and nothing savoury, unless you count crisps?!) - and this was only for a few hours visit at a time.

I had to put my foot down when he began to come home and then vomit!

I think some people are just feeders.

OP posts:

Xmas2013MN6233 · 15/12/2013 00:06

Ive raised 3 - BF babies do tend to refuse food if they aren't hungry, I posted a few days ago about my mammoth battles with my mother with eldest, its not worth the arguing, if you want child care, the way you want it exactly, then you have to pay for it.

I have done that and experience tells me it is far better they are surrounded by people who love them.

I actually know with my younger ones, my mother will interfere and do things her way, I accept that as a price for free child care and I make an effort to minimise the time they spend with her, because much as she loves them and they her, I like them to be parented the way I want to - and my mother is set in her ways and isnt going to listen/change now.

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 15/12/2013 00:10

Glad I'm not the only one who experiences it!

I wonder if it might be easier coming from your own Mum rather than MIL. I do acknowledge they get a bit less mercy sometimes!

Having said that my Mum would never dream of feeding like this. Pity she's had an accident and can't lift a baby at the moment - before anyone asks why she doesn't pitch in!

OP posts:

randomAXEofkindness · 15/12/2013 00:18

Tell them exactly what they are allowed to give her and that's that. You are in the right, YADNBU, and you don't owe anybody an explanation about it. You don't stop being her mum because someone else is looking after her, YOU decide what she eats, and you don't have to justify it to anyone else.

And yes, it does smack of playing dollies - cheeky gets. I'd be livid.

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 15/12/2013 00:24

It's not always about babysitting either. I think in some ways that's been a bit of a red herring.

Yesterday my partner popped round for a visit without me (I'd freshly fed baby first) and had only been there 30 min before the baby food came out! Partner was busy so didn't notice and probably wouldn't have thought to say anything anyway. When it came to the next BF, I was full so had I express because he's been fed an hour before unnecessarily

OP posts:

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 15/12/2013 00:25

Thanks random!

OP posts:

Xmas2013MN6233 · 15/12/2013 00:26

Its not easy coming from your own mum - it is annoying as ..... but I have learned to tolerate it on the basis that she loves them.

LeafyGreen13 · 15/12/2013 00:34

Yes, people love to feed babies for some reason. A friend of mine had a similar problem with her MIL. She asked her not to give citrus yet and the baby clothes came home reeking of orange and another time strawberries. MIL just couldn't help herself.

I would try talking to them and explaining what the guidelines are but whether they listen or not, I have no idea.

As you said, some people are just feeders. Unfortunately if you have no other options for childcare you may just have to put up with it.

It's a shame your husband doesn't support you more though.

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/12/2013 01:36

The only thing that worked for me was having a massive outburst at the grandparent when I cought him trying to feed my ds chocolate cake at just under 6 weeks old and all I had done was go to the toilet,so it wasn't as if it was a "I'm giving free childcare so I will do what I want" thing.

Think I screamed something along the lines of, I've told you three fucking times not to do that cunt face fucker,if you do it again I will just walk out and never return ever again.

You could try that.

MistressDeeCee · 15/12/2013 01:41

YANBU. MIL has no right to be doing this. I find that when babies arrive, some Ms & MILs tend to go into that competitive 'I know best mode', as if the mother's choice as to what and how she feeds her child is silly, and completely irrelevant. Their way is best and they will impose their own preference openly, or secretly. Put a stop to it, you dont need anyone undermining you in this way as a new mum. Its their uncalled for judgment on you as a mother, and its not going to make you feel good at all.

NewtRipley · 15/12/2013 08:15

I agree that some people just love to feed babies.

My MIL is obsessed with food. She's an excellent cook, hosting is part of whonshe is. But food = love to her. This lead to her being really cross when one pf mine was a fussy toddler, and giving ice cream to the other one before he'd had any other solids.

Fortunately this wasn't too stressful because we only see her once a year.

MissDuke · 15/12/2013 08:28

I am very sorry to hear of your health problems. It must be very hard to have to hand your baby to someone else in these circumstances. Please please try and be kind to yourself. It sounds like you are a fantastic mother.

I think you need to explain to them that you have been told your baby requires a special diet and so they need to give it the foods you send and the time you say. This will work better if you are sending homemade foods.

Could you try and stimulate your supply by pumping regularly, as it does sound unusual. I really hope you can get this sorted. Try and be kind to the mil too, it sounds like she is a great support to you. I do remember when I first went back to work and left dd with my mum, I felt a little cross that my mum was able to be with my dd all day. Irrational, but it was how I felt. I managed to hide it from her luckily!

RedHelenB · 15/12/2013 08:49

How about doing the breastfeeding last thing at night & first thing when baby wakes up. If they are having hungry baby formula on demand I can see why they are less satisfied at other times.

valiumredhead · 15/12/2013 09:53

Why's he having hungry baby formula?

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 15/12/2013 10:05

Thanks MissDuke. It is really hard to give my baby over use to health issues as I feel so sad I can't be the Mum I always wanted to be. But I try to look at what I can do rather than what I can't. It does still sting though, especially at times like this.

I do give home cooked food a lot of the time although sometimes mix with baby rice/formula too. I think the thing is I don't think he needs feeding at such short intervals especially as I send a bottle.

The idea of doing just morning and night feeds would mean I have to I more over to formula than I want to. This is a baby who has only just stopped taking feeds every 2 hours round the clock. Nighttime included! This was the reason I switched to hungry baby formula and the reason we weaned early on. All at the recommendation of health visitors to try and lengthen the night sleeps.

He now sleeps for 3 hours round the clock. Hard to know if it's the hungry baby formula, the weaning, or simply that he's 6 months now. Perhaps it's a combination of all three.

But 2 hourly feeds at best - and often even hourly - for almost 6 months was running me down into the ground and the exhaustion lowered my immunity so I couldn't shake off sore throats and colds, which eventually affected my milk supply.

The way I clawed it back was to schedule feeds 3 hourly and gradually drop a formula feed so I could BF more again. He currently still has 3 hourly feeds ROUND THE CLOCK which is why I send a bottle of formula to MIL at times she has him for 3 hours or so. I pick him up at the 3 hour mark so he could wait until then, but I know they'd get twitched about it and that's why I provide the bottle of milk. For them more than for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 15/12/2013 10:08

I am keen to breastfed as much as possible partly because he's already had a huge amount of colds etc - more recently had steroids for croup - and being prem he's susceptible more than term babies to these type of infections. I want to also because I managed to for a whole year with my first baby. And I want to just because I want to!

OP posts:

mrsjay · 15/12/2013 10:15

you have to tell them that because they cant listen to you that your milk is coming in at feeding times and how uncomfortable it is, you could go into details with them, they will be flustered probbaly but they might listen to you, sil more than likely thought she was helping but if you really want them to stop doing it and just feed at the baby's regular times then you need to be blunt with them, It really is only manners and for the good of you and the baby ,

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