to not want to be locked in?

[abigboydidit]

Okay. I have been having the same bloody argument with DH about this for 6 years a while now, so am putting it to the MN jury. I will begrudgingly accept if I am BU.

Our house has 2 doors - a front door and a back door. I should take this moment to highlight that at no time is the front door locked in a way that means I can't open it. This is the basis for DHs argument.

The front door leads to a gravel path and a wee gate and then to, well, nowhere. We live in the countryside so our road is a busy 60mph one and not one you would choose to walk on. The back door is the only door we actually use. It leads to our garden and the driveway and our bins. It has a mortice lock and 2 deadbolts.

DH locks both deadbolts whenever he is in the house. Because of a combination of the height, the stiffness of the lock and a pelvic floor injury I cannot open the top deadbolt. This means if I want to get out of my own house, I have to ask DH to open the door for me. He works from home and does not relish interruptions, so if he is in the middle of a task or a phone call or on the loo, this can mean waiting anything upwards of 15 minutes. I can, of course use the front door but this would mean leaving 2.5 year DS and 10 month old DD alone for the time it would take me to get out, walk up the pathway, along the main road, down the driveway, to the bins or wherever and back again.

DS has a habit of opening doors & can operate the bottom deadlock, so I accept that the door must be left secure but I say that we should use the mortice. DH disagrees &says that is a faff. It is also locked this way overnight.

AIBU?

A final point (though a bit soppy). Were it not for my pelvic organ prolapse post DD, I may have been able to open the top deadbolt, although it would probably take a couple of go's and would be a struggle. However, every time I try to do it when growing impatient for DH to open it it serves as a reminder of the fact my bits are wrecked following DDs birth and that I should have picked an ELCS and not a VBAC

tbh I wouldn't approach him again if he's just told you No in no uncertain terms

Are your parents nearby? Tap them for money if they can't come and take off the deadbolt for you

I'm quite shocked by this. How dare he dismiss you like this! It's a fire safety problem and he's controlling your access in and out of the house. Where does he get off thinking he's in charge? I'd be considering the whole marriage tbh, this is not at all acceptable.

Don't ask. Why are you asking? Tell. Or just do. Change the lock or get someone in to do it.

He has an alternative, one that won't be a total pain for you, but with a lofty wave of his hand, he dismisses both it and you. Why? What does he get out of doing that?

My husband can be stubborn (as can I ) and I tend to say what makes the most impact. "I feel you are using this to try to control me. Why do you want to control me?" in this case, I imagine it would be "Why do you want to make things difficult for me or make me rely on you to get out of my own back door, and then get nasty with me because it's interrupting you, all so you can get your own way? why do you not care that this is making things very difficult and actually painful for me?" And if he attempts to brush it off, I say no, I want to know. I want an actual answer to my questions.

It gives him a real jolt and he can't actually give an answer that justifies it and makes him realise how he's coming across to me. He'll apologise and we'll reach an agreement.

Perhaps try that? Do you think something like that might work rather than either getting into a shouting match or asking and being put in the position as an adult and equal of being dismissed. That's just awful.

Of course, that will only work if he is not in fact trying to control you in any way or anything like that but is just being your common garden arse/being stubborn/got a case of the Mr A Rights etc.

(I'm not doing the old mememe but it's just the easiest way to try to describe a situation, demonstrate I'm not pulling it out of thin air and suggest possible course of action.)

Call a locksmith and get the top bolt removed.

I've just read bits of this out to DH and he's pretty horrified.

Hadn't started the conversation so will follow dontminds approach. Tbh I probably shouldn't have said 6 years in my OP as prior to DS escaping it was more just me muttering that I wished he wouldn't lock the effing deadbolt and we left together every morning so it wasn't a big deal. Will let you know how it goes. I haven't said anything about the control issue before as it hadn't actually occurred to me

OP, take a screwdriver and remove the darn thing.
If you can't, try your best to open it and then superglue it in the open position, it will have to be changed and repositioned anyway.
Call a locksmith after the holidays. Don't ask your husband, just do it.

I would never forgive my DH if he ever did anything like that. Nevermind anything else, there are children in the house and you can't get out.

Definately frame it that way to him. Make him see it's not just about a lock.

If he does insist on keeping using it after you've told him that, then you need to very calmly (but sadly) next time you need it opened say "you've locked me in again, can I go out please?" No "will you open the bolt" if he says something like "you do'nt need my permission" reply that you obviously do because he locks you in. Ask him how he'd react if he realised any of his friends/family locked their wives in the house each day and htey had to ask to leave. How does he think it would look to an outsider?

He's being weird and controlling, OP. he may not be consciously aware of this, so you need to talk to him.

I wonder if saying "the postman tried to deliver a parcel but I couldn't open the door. He was quite alarmed and kept asking me if I was ok. That's how other people see what you do"

Or whether that would have the opposite effect.

I don't know. I'm just thinking of several ways to possibly make the same point. I like your way of approaching it, dontmind. gentle but effective.

Fuck how it looks to an outsider, he's treating the OP like a child or a subordinate who needs to come to him, hat in hand so to speak, to get out of her own fucking house.

Take a sledge to the damn lock if you have to, but get rid of it one way or another.

What a controlling dickhead your husband is. What are his good points?

Yep, OP. He does sound like a dick. I wonder why that might be...

Does he also decide what is a good reason to leave the house? Are there times where he will say "no, that is not necessary?"

Op, can you drive? Do you get to use the car? Go errands? Or are you at home with your child every day?

What is your life like on a day to day basis?

So there is absolutely NO need for the top bolt to be used, as the door can be bolted without it, your son remains safe and you can open the door yourself?

But he choses/insists/dictates that this unnessecary bolt is used ? OP there is something very wrong about this scenario. Please don't hide the other key. If you can't remove the bolt yourself, get someone to do it for you.

I think the advice on here is good, showing him that he is controlling you and treating you like a child.

'why am I not allowed to use the door?' 'why do you want me to ask permission to get out of my own house?' 'why is it ok to make me choose between hurting myself it making you angry everytime I need to get out of my home?

Failing that, you change the lock yourself/ get it changed

Get a friend/locksmith to remove top bolt. Don't ask/tell 'D'H. Sometimes you just need to take control if you don't want someone else to control you. It's a mindset thing.

ABigBoyDidIt, do yo love him?

Do you have any friends and family nearby?

actually, asking the question: 'why is it ok to make me choose between hurting myself it making you angry everytime I need to get out of my home?' as per DoubleLife's comment above is quite to the point. However, I think you need to be prepared that if he won't stop using the bolt once you've pointed out how it makes you feel and how controlling it is, you need to make it a red line issue. I wouldn't be prepared to live in a house I couldn't get out of without help/permission, so I'd insist on moving, either as a family, or as a single mother... I guess if you've put up with it for years this is less of an issue for you, but it should help you to see others would see it as a LTB issue, YANBU, don't let him make you think you are.

Whose idea was it to live in the isolated countryside?

'why is it ok to make me choose between hurting myself it making you angry everytime I need to get out of my home?'

Yes, that's it exactly

Good luck OP. I hope he's not the dick we fear he is

Is it possible to get some other bolt fixed to the door out of reach of DC but in your reach? That would be less 'faff' than the mortice lock. It only need to be little.

I am stunned reading this. I can't imagine how or why you put up with it. Please call a locksmith, bugger the money. This assumes the controlling arse gives you access to money?

It's amazing what some women are putting up with. I never cease to be stunned by what I read on here.

I'm thinking about the OP and what kind of a day she's had.

"Not really as she can simply use the front door. She's not actually imprisoned."

No, she can't simply use the front door.

She can only use the front door at a great deal of inconvenience to herself and her children and by causing herself physical harm because of a birth injury.

The quickest means of egress from her home is almost permanently locked and she can't use it without begging her owner husband to let her out.

He often won't agree to let her out for considerable periods of time. Despite knowing that she is trapped.

It's a fucking sick situation.

I keep thinking of the worse case scenario - if there's a fire and the exit via the front door is blocked.

What then?

Your husband is indeed a controlling arse. It's your home. You get a say.