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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be locked in?

108 replies

abigboydidit · 13/12/2013 22:20

Okay. I have been having the same bloody argument with DH about this for 6 years a while now, so am putting it to the MN jury. I will begrudgingly accept if I am BU.

Our house has 2 doors - a front door and a back door. I should take this moment to highlight that at no time is the front door locked in a way that means I can't open it. This is the basis for DHs argument.

The front door leads to a gravel path and a wee gate and then to, well, nowhere. We live in the countryside so our road is a busy 60mph one and not one you would choose to walk on. The back door is the only door we actually use. It leads to our garden and the driveway and our bins. It has a mortice lock and 2 deadbolts.

DH locks both deadbolts whenever he is in the house. Because of a combination of the height, the stiffness of the lock and a pelvic floor injury I cannot open the top deadbolt. This means if I want to get out of my own house, I have to ask DH to open the door for me. He works from home and does not relish interruptions, so if he is in the middle of a task or a phone call or on the loo, this can mean waiting anything upwards of 15 minutes. I can, of course use the front door but this would mean leaving 2.5 year DS and 10 month old DD alone for the time it would take me to get out, walk up the pathway, along the main road, down the driveway, to the bins or wherever and back again.

DS has a habit of opening doors & can operate the bottom deadlock, so I accept that the door must be left secure but I say that we should use the mortice. DH disagrees &says that is a faff. It is also locked this way overnight.

AIBU?

A final point (though a bit soppy). Were it not for my pelvic organ prolapse post DD, I may have been able to open the top deadbolt, although it would probably take a couple of go's and would be a struggle. However, every time I try to do it when growing impatient for DH to open it it serves as a reminder of the fact my bits are wrecked following DDs birth and that I should have picked an ELCS and not a VBAC Sad

OP posts:
MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 13/12/2013 22:58

Or get the local fire prevention officer to call round and have a chat with him. Loudly and slowly, during his work time.

If you can't just tell him that you want him to enable you to come and go as you please, and he does as you ask, you have much bigger issues than the lock and he IS controlling and it IS worrying.

mameulah · 13/12/2013 22:58

YADDDDNBU.

Is it not one of those really annoying jobs that would be so great if it was fixed?

How awesome would it be if it worked easily for you?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 13/12/2013 22:59

x-posted

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 13/12/2013 22:59

In what world does he think it's ok for you to have to ask him to let you out of the house? It's selfish at best controlling at worst. You've obviously asked him nicely and explained the problem and he's ignored you. Time to stop being rational and measured and revert to a meltdown.

BillyBanter · 13/12/2013 23:02

How can a mortice lock be more faff than having to interrupt what he's doing and come running every time you want to open the door? Oh wait, he doesn't let himself be interrupted, he makes you wait.

Original poster
abigboydidit · 13/12/2013 23:03

Thanks everyone. Just had a look at it and taken a photo but can't work out how to add it to the thread. Anyway, it's not attached with screws, they are odd square bolts. Never seen anything like them. No clue how I would take them off myself so would need to get a locksmith.

Plan for tomorrow is to plead my case again. If that fails I will lock the mortice and squirrel away his key so he gets an idea of what its like. God - I sound really pathetic typing that. I just don't have the money to waste on a locksmith..

OP posts:
MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 13/12/2013 23:11

Superglue. Then you don't need to remove anything. I'm only joking a tiny amount.

Can you put the picture on your profile?

GreatBigBloomers · 13/12/2013 23:16

What MrsTerry said. Our local fire prevention officer called one day totally out of the blue this year. He was great and his lovely colleague fitted us two new smoke detectors as they said ours were getting a bit old so likely to be unreliable. He asked to see locks on doors and windows and asked about our escape plan and gave some great advice. Such a visit might just give your H some food for thought.

But I'm also in agreement with others. YANBU. Nobody should be unable to open the doors to their own house. Your H needs a kick up the arse.

ZillionChocolate · 13/12/2013 23:17

This sounds horrid. Fire prevention officer sounds good if they'd come out.

mousmous · 13/12/2013 23:21

yanbu at all.
I like the firemen and whistle idea!

RubyRR · 13/12/2013 23:22

Highly recommend a fire safety check, they will run through so many aspects of safety and planning the lock will just be a small part of their visit. Google your area and fire safety or PM me your area and I'll find out for you, just county would do I think.

Original poster
abigboydidit · 13/12/2013 23:31

Thanks so much everyone. I googled the fire safety check and have a number I will call tomorrow.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 13/12/2013 23:34

I'm sorry OP, but "Plead my case". WTAF. I think you have far bigger issues with your "D"H than the lock.

GreatBigBloomers · 13/12/2013 23:44

Chipped is right. There should be no 'pleading your case'. It is your house too. Who made your H king? Rather than pleading your case you need to tell him it stops now and that you will not tolerate the situation any longer.

QuintessentialShadows · 13/12/2013 23:48

Why does he want to lock you in the house?
Is it to ensure he is involved every time you leave the house?
Does he like to be in control? It is like you must seek his permission to leave the home.....

HerrenaHarridan · 13/12/2013 23:51

Yanbu AngrySad

NewtRipley · 14/12/2013 00:03

Starball

I wouldn't lump all men into this situation.

Twatty inconsiderate people, yes. Not men.

sparklysilversequins · 14/12/2013 00:07

There would have had a big screaming row about this by now (while dc were at school obviously) and that door would remain unlocked from there on in if I lived there. Shall I come round and have the big screaming row for you OP seeing as health wise you're not up to it? Honestly I don't mind, I am quite good at them too Wink.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 14/12/2013 00:13

I am also worried about you having to 'plead your case'.

You are equals, and it sort of sounds like he's treating you like a little girl!

itshowwedo · 14/12/2013 00:27

I don't think peopcle are very good at'physical empathy'. I had to demonstrate to DH how annoying the lift hatch was for short arses before he could see why I wanted it fixed. He needs to understand. And if he won't he's an arse!

itshowwedo · 14/12/2013 00:28

That'll be loft hatch

Naoko · 14/12/2013 00:50

There should be no pleading, and it's ridiculous that you can't open the door. It's blatantly unsafe, as well as demeaning. The fact that he makes you wait just adds insults to injury.

I have hypermobility that means I can't do certain things. For example, I struggle with some common kitchen tasks, like grating cheese. When I tell DP that I'm cooking and I'm going to need some grated cheese, he drops whatever he is doing and grates me some cheese. I did not need to spell this out or demonstrate this or plead with him, because DP isn't an arse. I can't do it, so he does it.

Have the screaming row, if you have the energy. Take the bolt off, if you don't. Or get the fire officer round to drive it home. This point needs making.

attheendoftheday · 14/12/2013 01:09

I think the idea of locking the mortice and carrying the key around with you is a good one. Remember not to rush when he wants the door opened. I'd find your situation very uncomfortable, and yaddnbu.

If you can't remove the top deadbolt easily you could fill in the hole the bolt fits into with solidifying putty so it can't be locked (it's a few pounds at b&q).

NewtRipley · 14/12/2013 01:10

Thinking about this again: I am struggling to think of an explanation for his behaviour that doesn't paint him in a very very bad light.

BillyBanter · 14/12/2013 01:15

It's the insistence on doing something that inconveniences the OP whilst resenting being/refusing to be interrupted because he has done something to inconvenience her. Not because he is concerned about security or something of significance but because the alternative is much less faff to him than the current arrangement is to the OP or to himself.