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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be locked in?

108 replies

abigboydidit · 13/12/2013 22:20

Okay. I have been having the same bloody argument with DH about this for 6 years a while now, so am putting it to the MN jury. I will begrudgingly accept if I am BU.

Our house has 2 doors - a front door and a back door. I should take this moment to highlight that at no time is the front door locked in a way that means I can't open it. This is the basis for DHs argument.

The front door leads to a gravel path and a wee gate and then to, well, nowhere. We live in the countryside so our road is a busy 60mph one and not one you would choose to walk on. The back door is the only door we actually use. It leads to our garden and the driveway and our bins. It has a mortice lock and 2 deadbolts.

DH locks both deadbolts whenever he is in the house. Because of a combination of the height, the stiffness of the lock and a pelvic floor injury I cannot open the top deadbolt. This means if I want to get out of my own house, I have to ask DH to open the door for me. He works from home and does not relish interruptions, so if he is in the middle of a task or a phone call or on the loo, this can mean waiting anything upwards of 15 minutes. I can, of course use the front door but this would mean leaving 2.5 year DS and 10 month old DD alone for the time it would take me to get out, walk up the pathway, along the main road, down the driveway, to the bins or wherever and back again.

DS has a habit of opening doors & can operate the bottom deadlock, so I accept that the door must be left secure but I say that we should use the mortice. DH disagrees &says that is a faff. It is also locked this way overnight.

AIBU?

A final point (though a bit soppy). Were it not for my pelvic organ prolapse post DD, I may have been able to open the top deadbolt, although it would probably take a couple of go's and would be a struggle. However, every time I try to do it when growing impatient for DH to open it it serves as a reminder of the fact my bits are wrecked following DDs birth and that I should have picked an ELCS and not a VBAC Sad

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 14/12/2013 01:16

Also meant to say be prepared for him to react badly to you using the mortice lock. It would be nice to think he would laugh and say he finally gets your point but I wouldn't count on it.

EvilRingahBitch · 14/12/2013 01:20

Call a locksmith at 9am on Monday. Sort a secure locking system that is within each adult's control. Hand your DH his key.

Original poster
abigboydidit · 14/12/2013 08:11

Have had several screaming rows over the years am afraid Hmm Asked again this morning but was dismissed. Operation mortice is about to commence. Once I can get DH to open the bloody deadbolt for me Shock

OP posts:
NeedlesCuties · 14/12/2013 08:20

When he opens the deadbolt for you does he stand and wait for you to come back in and then re-lock it?

If you're taking the kids out do you have to ring him or knock the door in order to get back in again?

I think you should ring a locksmith and also Women's Aid

This is control, pure and simple. A fire safety risk, keeping you in your place as below him, making you doubt basic things.

QuintessentialShadows · 14/12/2013 08:22

So you also have to plead to be let out?

Original poster
abigboydidit · 14/12/2013 08:24

He's not like this about anything else. He is just really stubborn and genuinely doesn't seem to see the issue. If I go out with the kids then the door is left open. It's only locked to prevent DS doing a runner. If I get him to unlock it so I can go out to the bins, I will lock the mortice when I come back in. But if he then pops out, he will unlock the mortice but use the deadbolt when he gets back in.

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 14/12/2013 08:25

I'm genuinely reading this thread with my face like this Shock and a bit Sad but mainly this Angry

Your husband is not a nice person. Manipulative and abusive, not even that subtle with it either.

QuintessentialShadows · 14/12/2013 08:27

Do you agree with him in most other things?

CookieLady · 14/12/2013 08:28

God he sounds awful. Controlling arsehole much?

DontCallMeDaughter · 14/12/2013 08:31

I think the mortice lock plan is a bit foolhardy... He might not even notice and it's a bit passive aggressive for my liking. I'd just call someone to install proper locks and satisfy both of your concerns.

For the record, he's being a dick. But I'd want to deal with it like a grown up and the tit for tat locking each other in is just a recipe for a fight....

JoinYourPlayfellows · 14/12/2013 08:32

This is horrifying.

You are being repeatedly locked into your own home by your husband.

Despite "pleading your case", he ignores your concerns about both safety and convenience.

Even your postman knows you are in a dodgy relationship with a controlling bully.

friday16 · 14/12/2013 08:37

Sorry, I may have missed something, but why does the door need to be locked at all? I don't live on the front line of the drugs war, but I do live fronting straight onto a busy road in with a perfectly normal variety of occasional crime, and we unlock the porch door first thing in the morning and lock it last thing at night, with the inner door only being locked (mortice) when we go away and otherwise simply held by a catch operated from the inside. The back door's got mortice and a Yale on it, which do remain locked, but that's because we use that door much less frequently and if it were not default-locked would get forgotten when we go out. The french windows at the back of the house usually remain locked, and we rarely open them from October to March.

Leaving the house in a fire would just involve unlocking one door, and both the porch door and the French windows pass on the same key (I've had all the euro-cylinder locks in the house re-cylindered onto the same key, and all the mortice locks re-levered onto one key, so the who house operates with just two keys). When we're in the house, we keep our keys in a standard location at the bottom of the stairs, so we'd be able to find them in the dark, and we have tritium markers on our keyrings as an extra help.

Two children now grownup-ish, no issues.

Why can't you just unlock the door in the morning and lock it before you go to bed? Mortice and blocks locked during the day? Are you preparing for a zombie holocaust?

Killinascullion · 14/12/2013 08:39

If it's only locked to prevent DS doing a runner, then fitting a door chain would solve that issue.

We live in the country and only lock the doors when going out, if we remember...! I went out recently and left the main living room window wide open for 5 hours. Did remember to lock the doors though. ;-)

Daykin · 14/12/2013 08:41

I couldn't live like that. I could understand it not occurring to him that you couldn't do it, because that happens with physical limitations but I can't imagine being such an arse to someone I was supposed to love after it has been repeatedly pointed out.

Do you think he would be so insistent about it if he shared the house with his mother or brother or a flatmate? I bet £100 that he wouldn't dream of being such a shit to anyone else.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 14/12/2013 08:41

You are being repeatedly locked into your own home by your husband.

Not really as she can simply use the front door. She's not actually imprisoned.

Which isn't to say his actions make any kind of sense.

I agree that the deadlock needs to be changed to one you can open or fixed to ensure you can open it, then everyone is happy.

NewtRipley · 14/12/2013 08:49

Doesn't

You are right, and some of us might have missed the fact she can get out the front door.

What also upsets me here is the DH's inability to listen, to care about the OP's physical state, and the fact they have blazing rows when he won't agree with her. Glad my DH isn't like that.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 14/12/2013 08:56

I agree that it's not fair and he seems to be behaving really selfishly.

I don't get his obsession with the deadbolt when the front door is unlocked. It makes no sense from the point of view of a need to feel secure or a need to be in control.

Thinking about it - I'd forget any sort of discussion. I'd say "I am going to replace the deadbolt with one I can open myself. DS will still be secure."

vtechjazz · 14/12/2013 08:57

The square things are called coach bolts and will undo with a spanner. Every time you want to go out, pour water on the floor, and tell DH its piss from the effort of trying to get out with a prolapse. Let him clean it up.

Original poster
abigboydidit · 14/12/2013 09:00

Christ. He does sound like an utter dick when I read it back to myself. I hadn't ever really thought about it in those terms.

I shall go tell him he is a dick and put the "living with your Mum" scenario to him. Maybe not in those terms but I will point out to him about the postie incident a I didn't mention it at the time.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 14/12/2013 09:02

Stop in engaging with him about it, its just another way of showing him he's in control. Get the bloody thing removed without telling him.

Original poster
abigboydidit · 14/12/2013 09:03

Sorry - just to clarify that both the front and back doors are locked so DS can't run out onto the road (it happened once when we only locked the bottom one). Prior to having DCs they were only locked overnight. I can open 3 out of the 4 deadbolts but the one at the top of the back door (the door we use) I can't manage as you have to sort of push and slide at the same time.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 14/12/2013 09:08

Are all your windows locked too?

If you had a fire which was by the front door, you would be trapped if you couldn't open the back door.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 14/12/2013 09:11

Really sad to hear this has been happening for so long without resolution. Please take a stand as you will have a long life ahead of you if he is to be bowed to over everything.

ChasedByBees · 14/12/2013 09:11

It is absolutely unacceptable to be treated this this and locked into your own home. How dare he?

If the talking and screaming don't work, then i would absolutely move to locking the door and making him wait 15 minutes, the whistle and everything else I could think of that would make it inconvenient for him.

DontmindifIdo · 14/12/2013 09:11

Sit him down tonight and say "we need to talk, this isn't actually about the door, it's about how you treat me. I think you think it's just about the lock, but I think I need to explain to you how I see it. You do realise to me, you insisting on using a lock that means I can't get out of my own house without asking your permission or being in pain makes it look like you either want me to be in pain or want to control my ability to go in or out of my own house. that's not very loving or caring. That's what I see your actions as, regardless of what you say. I'm not sure if I can live with a man who cares so little for me long term." say it sadly, no shouting, then sit quietly, listen to what he says and say "Well, you know if you insist on using htat lock, that's how I'll view your actions. Nothing you can say will change the fact your actions are showing how little you think about me."

Don't shout, don't cause a fuss. Plant a seed and see if he cares enough to change his behaviour.