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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset that DS wants to give up piano exams?

63 replies

MissEllieEwing · 13/12/2013 19:46

I expect I am BU but here goes.

DH and I are musical and between us play several instruments and sing in various choirs and obviously we wanted the dc to have an appreciation of music, but we've never been really pushy about it. DS started the piano when he was 7 and did very well in a short space of time and his teacher felt he had talent (btw neither DH or I are pianists). He got distinctions in G1&2 and passed G3 with merit by the time he was 10 and he's always enjoyed it. He's now 12 and since he's been at secondary school he's lost interest, partly I think because being musical is not 'cool' - unless it involves being on the X Factor. Last year he took G4 and went to pieces on the day and scraped a pass and since then he has been getting himself in a tearful state now and again, he is convinced he will fail the next exam because of what happened last time. I had a long chat with him the other day and he got all upset again and wants to carry on with lessons but just play for pleasure and give up exams.

I'm really torn, on the one hand it's not the end of the world and it's great that he wants to carry on. He's also doing very well at school so I guess I need to get this in perspective. BUT, I suppose in my heart I think the discipline of exams is good for children and the next few years he will have to get used to exam pressure. Also isn't his talent going to waste? DH has been away this week so we haven't discussed it. I'd like to discuss it with his teacher, but all her pupils do exams and I don't know how she'll feel about the 'just for pleasure' bit.

OP posts:

magnumicelolly · 13/12/2013 19:48

Isn't it sort of up to him? If he feels forced into it he will soon not want to play for pleasure either. Surely you would prefer him to play for pleasure and enjoy it rather than hate it and give up completely.

Flisspaps · 13/12/2013 19:50

YABU.

Plenty of time to deal with exam pressure at school. If you make him continue with grades and he doesn't want to do them, he may not even want to play for pleasure.

BohemianGirl · 13/12/2013 19:50

wants to carry on with lessons but just play for pleasure and give up exams.

If a bit of paper is more important to you than your childs mental health and well being, keep pushing. Thats all I have to say

CMOTDibbler · 13/12/2013 19:51

The point of playing an instrument is for pleasure, and if exams make him miserable, theres no point at all doing them.

titchy · 13/12/2013 19:54

Can you do a deal whereby he skips g5 this but does g6 in two years time? Or just agree no more exams but he must practice constructively? And keep up the scales and study type pieces?

harticus · 13/12/2013 19:54

Also isn't his talent going to waste?

No of course it bloody isn't - he's just a kid with a whole lifetime ahead of him.
Keep going the way you are and you'll crush all interest in music out of him completely.
It is a WONDERFUL thing that he wants to play for pleasure and not for some stupid fucking exam.

Chippednailvarnish · 13/12/2013 19:55

You sound like your ambitions for his musical development far outweigh his happiness.

If it's that important to you, why aren't you learning the piano.

MadeOfStarDust · 13/12/2013 19:55

I have 2 musical girls - one finds exams stressful, the other thrives on them... one does the tests, the other does not - but still plays to the same sort of standard as her sister...... they both love to play for pleasure - but it would have changed if we had not noticed DD2 wanting to stop the tests..

throwingstones · 13/12/2013 19:55

I'm not a musical person so maybe biased but music exams seem incredibly pointless, its not like he won't improve if he doesn't do them. Why stress him out over them?

EQ2Junkie · 13/12/2013 19:58

All kids should enjoy music for pleasure.

As soon as it starts causing stress and tears it is no longer pleasure it is a chore.

lljkk · 13/12/2013 19:59

Exams aren't that important.

It GUTS me every time* my kids want to give up an exC activity. Anything, almost doesn't matter what., I just hate it when they only half try & don't make the most of it and show little self-discipline or commitment.

I've had plenty of practice at this (enduring their inability to commit) and it still bothers heck out of me. YANBU.

*okay, I tell a lie, I do actively want DD to give up gymnastics; but that's after 3 yrs, it's inconvenient & the club is so half-assed in way they teach.

SanityClause · 13/12/2013 19:59

He doesn't have to do every grade. Getting the higher grades (6 and above) will give him UCAS points, so he might change his mind later, but why don't you let him have a rest from exams for a while, and just let him enjoy playing. He will progress, in any case, and may well be ready for a hier exam in a few years time, if he chooses.

Also, remember Tim Minchin doesn't even read music. Waste of talent?

Original poster

MissEllieEwing · 13/12/2013 20:00

Yes yes you're all right, re-reading it makes me see IABU. Honestly, we're not pushy and ambitious, he did so well in a short space of time with only gentle encouragement from us.

OP posts:

Clobbered · 13/12/2013 20:00

I wonder whether his technique is actually up to scratch? Musical kids often do very well in the early grades and their marks drop off as they go on, as their technical skills don't keep pace with their musical development.
Does he get any other opportunities to perform apart from exams? 12 is a tricky age, and kids often get more self-conscious and worried about performing at that age. It sounds as though his confidence took a real knock at the last exam.
Any teacher worth their salt should be happy to continue teaching a child who doesn't want to do exams - they are largely irrelevant to the actual learning of the instrument and often used as a 'carrot' to motivate a child who is losing interest anyway, which doesn't seem to be the case here.
If the teacher isn't happy with a new approach, sack them and find one who is.

deliverdaniel · 13/12/2013 20:00

for the love of god, please let him just play for pleasure. My parents 'encouraged' me to do a million music exams and totally and utterly ruined music for me. I can't bear to pick up an instrument now, or go to a concert etc. The whole experience was just awful and pointless.

SanityClause · 13/12/2013 20:00

*higher obv.

mrsjay · 13/12/2013 20:01

yabu the world wont stop turning because he doesnt want to do piano exams it sounds like he has good grading let him stop and play for enjoyment he might take it up again dont be hard on him what is the point of forcing him he might be able to do music at school and take some exams there i music is supposed to be enjoyable and a hobby not miserable and a chore,

Itstartshere · 13/12/2013 20:03

There's no reason why in a year or two he won't come to you and ask to do more exams.

If you're both musical, I'd say best for him to go through his life with an enjoyment of music. It's so much more fun playing the pieces you want to than doing boring grades. I gave up because I got overwhelmed by how much work I had to do, and I hated slogging away over grade pieces. I've recently gone back to it as an adult and it's a totally different experience - it's FUN! I'm practising more than I ever did because I'm enjoying it.

Life is too short for him to be getting into this state over it all.

mrsjay · 13/12/2013 20:04

DD didnt start playing her guitar till she was 11 and passed all her music exams internally through school by the time she had left

GreatBigBloomers · 13/12/2013 20:06

My DM was forced into piano lessons and exams. She hated every minute of it and would have loved to have given up the exams and just play for pleasure. But she wasn't allowed, her parents made her keep going, keep practising and keep taking exams.

But she refused to play any more the minute she passed the highest level piano exam - whatever it was back in the 1950s. She's 72 now and hasn't been near a piano or keyboard since that day. She says she's never had any inclination to play again whatsoever.

Just let him play for pleasure and enjoy music just for the sheer fun of it. By forcing him you will kill any joy he has for the instrument.

antimatter · 13/12/2013 20:07

Last year he took G4 and went to pieces on the day and scraped a pass and since then he has been getting himself in a tearful state now and again, he is convinced he will fail the next exam because of what happened last time. - if you push him further he will keep getting stressed and like my nephews - both with 2xG8 on piano each plus one violin and the other one cello - pushed by their mum they hardly ever sit at the piano, never play the second instrument since last exam, EVER! They play piano for 2 min at christmas if that. Their mother who was pushing them for music agrees now that it was waste of everyone's time and money to do second instrument.

wants to carry on with lessons but just play for pleasure and give up exams. what's wrong with playing instrument for pleasure?

Also isn't his talent going to waste? - it is useful only if he enjoys it

the discipline of exams is good for children and the next few years he will have to get used to exam pressure. - not if he is't able to distance himself

good piano teacher he will progress without having to pass exams, he can skip grades

has your ds asked to let him play another instrument?
if so - what was your answer?

I don't know how she'll feel about the 'just for pleasure' bit. - good teacher is going to agree without batting an eyelid

ps. my kids are playing piano on and off, passing exams in musical theatre, one on g7 percussion, because she loves it

ugglyboots · 13/12/2013 20:07

I agree with deliver. I've just started playing again after 25 years of not touching my instrument. I was so put off music by pushy parents and a pushy teacher. What a waste of time and money for everyone concerned.

I think you should let him play for pleasure and go back to exams later if HE wants to.

Fairylea · 13/12/2013 20:09

Yabu.

A hobby should never become a chore.

Yes he will have pressure at school with exams soon - why make him suffer that now with something that isn't compulsory?

I think you have to be very careful here because if you don't let him play for pleasure or even give up completely if he then decides to he could end up resenting you and your dh for everything musical that you do and that would be a shame.

If you leave the door open on a positive note you never know he may return to it. Or he may not. He is his own person.

BlingBang · 13/12/2013 20:10

My kids have started Piano, the older one for well over a year now. Not thinking about exams though who knows they might come later. I'm happy just to let them learn. You run the risk of putting your son off all together.

ILoveAFullFridge · 13/12/2013 20:10

Oh world gone mad! Our poor dc are beset with exams for everything! Why on earth can he not just learn for pleasure? What do exams give him? The only music exam that matters is, IIRC, G5 if he wants to do A-level music. And he doesn't need any of the others to take G5.

My Y8 ds1 learns piano, is showing a lot of promise, and his teacher is perfectly happy for him not to take exams.

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