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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset that DS wants to give up piano exams?

63 replies

MissEllieEwing · 13/12/2013 19:46

I expect I am BU but here goes.

DH and I are musical and between us play several instruments and sing in various choirs and obviously we wanted the dc to have an appreciation of music, but we've never been really pushy about it. DS started the piano when he was 7 and did very well in a short space of time and his teacher felt he had talent (btw neither DH or I are pianists). He got distinctions in G1&2 and passed G3 with merit by the time he was 10 and he's always enjoyed it. He's now 12 and since he's been at secondary school he's lost interest, partly I think because being musical is not 'cool' - unless it involves being on the X Factor. Last year he took G4 and went to pieces on the day and scraped a pass and since then he has been getting himself in a tearful state now and again, he is convinced he will fail the next exam because of what happened last time. I had a long chat with him the other day and he got all upset again and wants to carry on with lessons but just play for pleasure and give up exams.

I'm really torn, on the one hand it's not the end of the world and it's great that he wants to carry on. He's also doing very well at school so I guess I need to get this in perspective. BUT, I suppose in my heart I think the discipline of exams is good for children and the next few years he will have to get used to exam pressure. Also isn't his talent going to waste? DH has been away this week so we haven't discussed it. I'd like to discuss it with his teacher, but all her pupils do exams and I don't know how she'll feel about the 'just for pleasure' bit.

OP posts:

FrostySamosa · 13/12/2013 20:11

If you push him into another exam, and he has another bad experience, you then risk this fear of failure being passed into every subsequent exam Ie the ones that really count such as A levels.

I think you'd be a fool to push him - I think he would feel so much better if you supported his decision. The fact he still wants to play for pleasure is fantastic.

uselessinformation · 13/12/2013 20:12

ds gave up exams and as a result he now plays the piano much more because he is playing the music he wants to play for pleasure. He never asked to give up lessons and he has fun with his teacher who I expect finds a bit of relief from being on the exam treadmill with his other pupils and he's still getting paid.

curlew · 13/12/2013 20:12

I have two musical children- one loves doing music exams and has done loads - the other has steadfastly refused to take any at all ever since the start! I slightly wish he would, because bits of paper are useful, but he can always do them when he's older if he wants.

It does sound as if you are very ambitious for your ds. I hesitate to say the incredibly mumsnetty thing I am about to say, but getting to grade 4 by the age of 12 is good, but not spectacular. Is it possible that the structure of exams is stifling him a bit? Might he relax and grow into his music if that pressure is taken off him?

Original poster

MissEllieEwing · 13/12/2013 20:13

I think I just needed you lot to convince me and make me see sense! Thank you.

OP posts:

MoreBeta · 13/12/2013 20:14

TBH we are at the same state with DS1 who is now Year 9.

We have told him he can drop his piano after he has passed his next exam which should be in the Spring.

He has to be reminded to practice and it just isn't on his agenda. He taking up rowing next term and that will take a lot of his time up so it seems a fair swap.

I never had the chance to learn a musical instrument, my parents would not pay and my father hated being forced to play piano anyway as a child, but am a bit sad DS1 will not become proficient in something he could really enjoy just as a pleasurable thing to do later in life.

mrsjay · 13/12/2013 20:15

he will be ok and as somebody else said he may freak out when it comes to his school exams

uselessinformation · 13/12/2013 20:17

Also just to say that ds is very much into music from groups that feature a keyboard player and he tells me that piano/keyboard can be heard as the main instrument in a lot of music at the moment so it is cool

HesterShaw · 13/12/2013 20:18

Let him give up exams and carry on enjoying the instrument. He may want to go back to it later.

I wouldn't want to belittle his achievements, but a distinction at grades one and two and a merit at grade three by the age of ten, while it shows a measure of aptitude, doesn't indicate special talent particularly. It gets more and more difficult from then on.

My mum made me do clarinet grades. I loathed it. She wasted her money.

PosyNarker · 13/12/2013 20:20

YABU if he is allowed to play for pleasure he might come back to exams. If you force the issue he might give up altogether.

There's nothing to say he can't play for pleasure for a few years and skip straight to grade 7 or 8 (albeit he'll need theory) - I did.

mrsjay · 13/12/2013 20:21

I have been to many school concerts and you can see the children who dont really like playing their instrument and the ones who enjoy it, a few violin players especially look as if they are in pain

merrymouse · 13/12/2013 20:22

Is his talent really going to waste?

Professional musician is a tough job and requires commitment from the player, not their parents - if he wants to slow down at 12 but keeps going because you force the issue, do you really think he will have the enthusiasm to keep going when he is 18?

However, he can spend a lifetime playing for fun, and he can go back to more serious study later if he wants.

Original poster

MissEllieEwing · 13/12/2013 20:22

Ah I think that's the natural expression of string players - DH plays the viola and looks like he's constipated.

OP posts:

livinginawinterwonderland · 13/12/2013 20:25

YABU, let him play for fun.

I played piano. I wasn't amazing, got my grade 3 at age 13, but I hated being made to practise and having to do exams.

mrsjay · 13/12/2013 20:25

OH ok I do apologise snigger constipated tbh some of the kids bless them are not that great either

curlew · 13/12/2013 20:25

That's not pain- that's communing with the music of the spheres!

DieDeutschLehrerin · 13/12/2013 20:26

I played the violin and did grades 1-7. From g2 I also went to pieces and cried in every exam. I hated them. At 15 I took up viola and just did G6-8 between the ages of 16-18. I was older, more confident and had my GCSEs under my belt. As a result I got better results. I wish I hadn't plodded through all of those violin exams. The experience just made me feel I wasn't much good at it. He can always come back to it when he's older.
Also, I never had a problem with exam pressure when it came to school exams. Sitting in a hall full of students and writing is a very different experience to the intensity of a music exam. To me it just felt like the examiner was sat there waiting for me to cock up so they could scribble it down on their little sheets.
The only similar experience he'll have at school will be oral language exams , in common with all his mates and a good teacher will spend 2 years helping him in the run up to GCSES.

Experience of exam pressure will help him out for the next 10 years or so. Pleasure in music will last him a lifetime, so is probably more worthwhile in the long run.

rookietherednosedreindeer · 13/12/2013 20:29

YABVU - My DF loves classical music so I was carted off to recorder then piano then clarinet lessons. Unfortunately for me, although I had little interest in it, I was reasonably good at it so every blinking Saturday morning I had to go to orchestra practice, lessons once a week and practice every night. I enjoyed it when I got to do fun stuff - my teacher gave me some jazz clarinet tunes to practice, but not the other dull pieces.

I wanted to go to debating society, but couldn't as it clashed with my clarinet lessons. I still get a bit annoyed thinking about that now as an adult. Ok,I mainly wanted to go to meet boys ( I went to an all girls school) but for my social development and ability to speak articulately in public, it would have been a lot better for me to do debating - plus it was an activity I actually had picked myself.

I also hated the exams - had a horrible one where I forgot the scales and burst into tears and even though I was mildly ok at it and got to Grade 8, believe me it's not something I have chosen to keep going into adulthood.

Your DS will soon have enough pressure from preparation for GCSEs, ask the teacher if he can just go along for fun but no more exams, that way he still continues to play, but without the pressure.

breatheslowly · 13/12/2013 20:32

My DH is very musical. He plays the piano by ear and has recently played as part of a group. He gave up on grade exams at about grade 6 in the piano and just played for pleasure after that. While is technique probably isn't as good as if he had ploughed on to grade 8, he plays for pleasure every couple of days 20 years later and his ability to play almost anything (except very technical pieces) is really useful. He says that the grades he did were useful in teaching him scales and therefore enabling him to play in any key. I think that having to do music theory was probably useful for him too in that respect. I'd say that continuing with lessons should allow your DS more flexibility in the type of playing he wants to be able to do.

In contrast my DM has grade 8 but is not able to play without music and doesn't play regularly as a result.

valiumredhead · 13/12/2013 20:32

Why do exams matter to you?

Carry on with lessons and let him enjoy them. I learn the piano and can't think of anything worse than having to sit an exam, it would take all the pleasure out of it for me.

pianodoodle · 13/12/2013 20:35

I teach piano.

My approach is that it should be for pleasure regardless of whether students take exams or not.

For some having the extra goal helps to motivate but if they don't want to take them I structure lessons around that and make sure they are still progressing. Some opt to take another grade at a later stage.

One thing I don't do is use the exam system as a teaching syllabus as it doesn't cover enough ground and can result in students who end up worn down from spending longer and longer trying to pass more difficult grades without actually bringing their all-round musicianship standards up to scratch :(

There's frequently competitiveness amongst students/parents about what "grade" someone is but the piece of paper can be very misleading at times and not always indicative of the "better" pianist IMO...

NoComet · 13/12/2013 20:35

Had her teacher not retired, DD2 would have carried on doing ballet just for fun. She finds the exams very nerve racking. She gave up piano after failing grade one (not altogether her fault, her teacher left the scales too late and she should have pulled out).

She does gymnastics for 'fun' if fun includes spending hours practicing continuously on the trampoline, the climbing frame, the sofa, her bed and having crash mats for Xmas.

You don't need to pass exams to get serious pleasure from doing something well.

redexpat · 13/12/2013 20:37

I gave up exams. I fucking hate playing Mozart plinky plonky associated board shit. Loved playing Brahms, Chopin, Mendelssohn, Gershwin...

Maryz · 13/12/2013 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MissEllieEwing · 13/12/2013 20:39

PMSL @ plinky plonky associated board shit!

I love mumsnet.

OP posts:

Effjay · 13/12/2013 20:41

What about asking him to choose another instrument? He'll read music well and it may take off for him. Also, he'll be able to play in groups, which is not possible with the piano. With woodwind and brass there's so many possibilities - wind band, swing band, jazz band, brass band, etc. I had a very musical childhood and loved every minute of it (playing the trombone, which I still do!).
Why not take him into a music shop and ask him if he fancies trying any of the instruments there? You'll know pretty quick if he wants to give up music altogether or whether he just wants a change.

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