why????

[drudgetrudy]

AIBU to wonder why on earth MILs ( DMs too) want to spend days on end intruding where they are not wanted over Christmas. Can understand wanting to see son or daughter and DGC over Christmas but WHY is it the end of the world if they want to go elsewhere? Can't they watch TV or read books? Have they no friends? A Gran talking here.

I wouldn't have my Christmases dictated (apart from work commitments) so I certainly would never dream of dictating my grown up kids Christmases.

I love Christmas, but I really don't understand why some people always have to recreate the same day, the same routine. I love a traditional family Christmas, cold outside, big tree, extended family, turkey dinner. I love having it at mine, or at someone else's. I also love a Christmas away in the snow or on a beach. I honestly don't get why Christmas can't evolve or be different every year and why it causes such drama to mix it up and do something different each year.

My grandmother had the right idea. She lived on her own and didn't much like noise, did a lot of reading and enjoyed the single life.

Xmas eve was 'open house' anyone was welcome and there would be drinks and nibbles, presents for family etc.

Xmas day she spent, very happily, on her own. She had invitations but would not have enjoyed grandchildren, and later great grand children screaming.

A lot depends on traditions doesn't it?
We always woke in our own beds and had Xmas at home and I guess I want to do the sane for my dc.
Pil are welcome to come but still host a big family Xmas at theirs so don't come.
They are surprisingly understanding that we like to be at home and we see them after.
That said I'd never anyone alone for Xmas, I've frequently had friends of mine or my dc to stay who would have been on their own.

I wouldn't see anyone alone, but I do also want to create christmas for my own family. When I look back at my childhood Christmases my mum made them magical, I want to go the same for mine and expect mine will want to do the same for theirs... Being 40 and never having done a Christmas of my own and possibly never getting the chance to do so god my own children makes me sad. What also makes me sad is the pil tradition of Christmas involving everything happening before the presents, so being surrounded by manic kids til she's washed up, so no presents til around 5pm and kids going spare with boredom, Christmas is about pleasing the kids for me, not keeping the pil in a state of reminiscence for gets they had with their kids... Had to put a stop to that

Oh I can't understand that 'no presents 'til after lunch' mentality - I'm obviously not posh enough!

We're having a nuclear Christmas this year, as we did last year. My ILs usually come, but can't any longer.
Tbh, I did find it less stressful last year just cateringfor the five of us, but it did feel a bit like an extra fancy Sunday roast - as it will this year no doubt.

I used to always invite my DM and her partner but she's made excuses so many times now I no longer bother. The DCs love her company and used to often ask about her when they were younger, but she just prefers her own life. It's not as if she can't travel as she goes away with friends (her real 'family') several times a year.

Travelling there isn't really an option as DH travels a lot with work so the last thing he wants to do is jump in the car for several hours andnot be in his own bed - plus the DCs have all their presents and home comforts here while there's never been anything for them to do there but watch telly.

I intend to be a DM/MIL whose happy to travel if need be. Just hope I get invited .

Whose happy? Who's!

I've seem it all now! Apparently there must be something wrong with your relationship with your partner and kids if you want to spend Christmas with your parents / extended family.

Now that really takes the biscuit!

Nothing to do with the fact that I love my mom and sister and BiL and nieces! That we have the best laughs and fun together! No it's because there's something wrong with my relationship with my kids!

Here. Have my first ever mn for that iamusuallybeingunreasonable

Interesting to see different perspectives. The original posted was prompted by reading numerous threads dreading Christmas with mil and sometimes nothing seemed to be good enough for mil unless everything went her way. It just lead me to wonder why these ladies would want to stay for 9+ days when it was clear their families were really pissed off about it. I also wondered sometimes if there was another side to the story and they really might not prefer to go home and do their own thing after a couple of days.

Gladly bitoutofpractice, I didn't say it was wrong, I said that if the thought of spending one day, and let's face it, it's one over commercialised ott day, with my husband and kids horrified me, and I felt that was inadequate (because there's damn little you can go if your extended clan are dead/arseholes), then I myself would feel I didn't value them enough, but that's just me

I spend all my available time throughout the year with my wonderful dh and dc, spending it with my dm or mil means I will spend more time with dh as the dc will play with dm or mil. Wanting to spend Christmas with extended family doesn't mean I don't love dc and dh, but we do that all the time.

The thought of spending the day with my kids and DP doesn't horrify me iamusually Very far from it. So don't put those words in my mouth. The fact that I want to spend it with my mom etc doesn't mean I'm horrified to be alone with DP and the kids and that we have some sort of problem. It means I love my mom and sister et al and want to be with them too.

I find your interpretation of why I'd want to be with my extended family very odd. A very odd conclusion to jump to.

And I said it was what I felt, gah some people, world doesnt revolve around you!

Over and out, and this is why I like a quiet christmas, so choke on this

And I'm telling you how I felt. Thought that's how it worked but bye!

There's a big difference to me to a mil who maybe lives alone and will be lonely on Xmas day by herself (I know some don't mind it) and one who has a dh or some family but is being awkward and insisting on family comes to her or whatever. I would always want to include someone who was on their own and lonely, my dh is the one who really likes to spend the day at home, just us and dd but even he agrees that if one of our elderly relatives was in that position we would invite them.
My own dm is slightly different as she has to work on Xmas day so she just sees it as another day and doesn't get so excited about it.

I guess if you see Christmas as 'one over commercialised ott day' then you may not be able to understand opinions that start from the position that Christmas is a joyful family event that you want to share with those you love, and that it's fundamentally the sharing that makes it joyful.

We used to do a three year rotation, my family, dh's family and one on our own. Whilst making sure we visited or were visited by everyone. That way we got to make our own traditions as well as those we grew up with (which are about as different as they can be).

I've no problem waking up on Christmas day not in my own bed because that's how it's been for me for the majority of Christmases. But I come from a relatively large family so it's more about being with them, and my children love spending time with their cousins and can forgo their creature comforts for a couple of days.

Still perhaps I have rose tinted glasses as it's not something we have been able to experience for a few years.

Yanbu-I have spent a lot of time over the years accommodating my inlaws and their wishes. My dh has not reciprocated this to my family. I want xmas in my own home with dh and my dcs and to not have to worry about sticking to others traditions.

My inlaws are welcome to come round for a few hours before dinner or to come on boxing day but this apparently is not good enough and I am being selfish

But Nooka it looks like some Mum's are throwing hissy fits if its not their particular turn on Christmas Day- and looking at the threads some are inviting themselves for two weeks. That's what I was thinking of rather than just having Christmas dinner or people making an effort for someone who is ill or lonely

I have 12 people staying over Christmas. I love it!! The elderly members of the family won't be around for many more. Let's make this a magical family time that meniriescare made of. Yes it's hard work, it's also fabulous. Don't have too high expectations and just enjoy each other

How do you make it work when you add distance and separated (adults') parents into the equation? We are pre-DC and currently do the Scovilles Roadshow of my DMIL, DFIL/DSMIL/DGPIL etc, DP and DNan - between the four stops, around 1,000 miles of driving.

This makes me want to stick pins in my eyes works for us at the moment, but I don't see it being a practical thing to do to with any kids we're lucky enough to have. This year we'll be doing long drives on 23rd, 25th and 26th Dec - tolerable as an adult but a lot for little ones, no?

I'm sure plenty of people manage it - just interested to hear how you stop yourself feeling like (to paraphrase a PP) you've been sliced so thin you have nothing left for yourself? Surely Christmas should be genuinely enjoyable for everyone involved, not come down to a checklist of fulfilled obligations?

FWIW we really enjoy spending time with most all of them; however, now the thread's on a bit of a tangent, would be interested to hear how others manage the practicalities of a scattered-family situation (either with or without DCs).

drudgetrudy I've not really been paying much attention to Christmas arrangements threads, and I am sure that there are family members who are unreasonable. The only year that our Christmas arrangements caused any fuss was the Christmas immediately after dh's mum died when my mother made a right fuss that we didn't spend Christmas with them (FIL went to visit SIL who was stationed overseas).

OneMillion When we still lived in the UK we'd always see everyone over the Christmas period but not necessarily in the Christmas Eve to Boxing Day window. We might see FIL the weekend before Christmas, my parents at Christmas and then SIL for New Year for example, possibly with a cousins type event thrown in at some point for good measure :)

I'd love to hear all these awful nils version of events.

I wonder if they tally?

I wouldn't want my dc and dgc travelling miles over Xmas I'd rather know they all had a nice time themselves.
My dc barely get dressed they just love being in the house looking at their new stuff, watching tv and eating.
We do alternate boxing days and pil but I hate it so do dc, we are cold hungry and bored.
I normally start a thread on it. The last one ended up in classics