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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP changing plans in his head and failing to let me know and laughing at me

60 replies

tracilou · 13/12/2013 13:30

So pissed off. Admittedly I can work myself into a fury over nothing so not sure if I'm over-reacting but I'm so angry at DP. Basically he has a habit of making plans with me and then changing his mind without letting me know. A few weeks ago we'd arranged to go out for a meal over lunch as he was due to finish work at 11.30am. So 12pm I'm sat there waiting. 12.30pm - still nothing. 1pm - not even a text so I text him to see where he was ... no reply. 2pm I get a text saying "was just having a game of football, on my way now" - thanks for letting me know the plans had changed and we were no longer going for a meal!

Last weekend we had arranged to do shopping together Friday afternoon as again, he was due to finish at 11.30 so I specially chose not to work that day (I'm on flexi hours). 12pm I text him to ask if we're still doing shopping - he said "yes, won't be long x" - 1pm I text him saying "I can do the shopping on my own if you want?" and he replied "no wait for me, I won't be long". 1.30pm he comes in - and says "I have loads to do around the house, why don't you go without me?" - ffs I'd been waiting hours for him, why couldn't he have just text me earlier and said that so I wasn't waiting around???

So today I've just really blown my top. Again I chose not to work as we had arranged to go and get christmas shopping and have lunch out. He was due to finish work at 12.30 so I hadn't eaten (as we were supposed to be eating out). 12.30 he text me more or less saying he was on his way and then we could get going. 12.50 he comes in and says "I need to get on with that fence but you never let me get on with anything!"

FFS why say he wants to do these things and keep me waiting around for him just to come home and decide that he'd changed his mind earlier in the day and just neglected to tell me?? So I was pissed off because again I'd been waiting around, I was hungry and I'd been looking forward to going just for him to come home and make out that I was dragging him out and he'd much rather not go. I told him I was angry because he keeps doing this, I asked why make arrangements if you don't want to do them?? why couldn't you let me know earlier that you didn't want to go?? etc

Anyway he burst out laughing, accused me of having a "proper duck fit" over it, starting taking the piss and continuously laughing at me as I got more and more angry and upset (more at the laughing now than anything else).

OP posts:
AndHarry · 13/12/2013 13:38

He laughed at you when you told him how his selfish, rude behaviour affects you? :( I hope he has plenty of redeeming qualities.

ImaginativeNewName · 13/12/2013 13:48

I would also want to murder him. Yanbu. Start doing the same to him to demonstrate how annoying it is.

NotYoMomma · 13/12/2013 13:50

so... he makes you wait all day so he can ditch you and then laught at you and take the piss

he is surely abusive?

if dh did this to me even once he eould never hear the end of it and he would damn well never do it again

dont be a mug. tell him if he is even five minutes late next time youre going alone, not going anymore, treating yourself etc

and if he tries to change plans say no

in fact o would pack his fucking bags, its so rude and disrespectful

3littlefrogs · 13/12/2013 13:51

When I read this sort of thing I always think: Why are you with him?

He sounds like a complete pain. Why would you want to have a relationship with someone who deliberately winds you up all the time?

LunaticFringe · 13/12/2013 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/12/2013 13:53

"Admittedly I can work myself into a fury over nothing so not sure if I'm over-reacting"
Having read your OP to the end, I'm inclined to doubt that you work yourself into a fury over nothing. I wonder if your 'D'P just tells you it's nothing.

His behaviour is downright weird. I'd wonder if it was deliberate and he is goading you for a reaction, hence his laughing (in glee?) that he managed to get one this time. He is one nasty fucker Sad.

livinginawinterwonderland · 13/12/2013 13:54

Why are you with him?

I wouldn't be friends with someone who ditched me like that all the time, let along date/live with them. DP only ever cancels plans if he's sick or he has to work late. Otherwise, he's good to his word and he do whatever it is we planned (dinner, a movie, lunch, shopping, whatever).

Why would you stay with someone who obviously thinks their time/hobbies are more important than yours? I would just tell him if he's late/doesn't text next time, you'll go out and do your own thing without contacting him. See how he likes it.

He probably does it because he can get away with it, and you let him by waiting around on him all the time. If he's not there when you arranged and hasn't text to say he's stuck in traffic or whatever, just go anyway.

QuintessentialShadows · 13/12/2013 13:55

Oh boy, what a manipulative twat.

I hope you dont have children together?

squoosh · 13/12/2013 13:55

He's a tool.

It sounds like he deliberately leaves you waiting around in order to exert some kind of sad control. Also seems to take pleasure in dashing your hopes.

gamerchick · 13/12/2013 13:57

My ex used to do something similar... many a time I was sure he was doing it on purpose just to wind me up.

Is there enough about your man that you could ignore this? He laughed at you? :(

From now on arrange a time.. If he's not there at some point close to that time assume he's not going to turn up and crack on. He will turn it around on you but it's better than being laughed at.

gamerchick · 13/12/2013 13:58

Xposts

GoldfishCrackers · 13/12/2013 13:59

This would drive me bananas. Does he enjoy playing with your emotions? What an unpleasant man.

Cluffyflump · 13/12/2013 14:02

How nasty!
He clearly doesn't value you/your time Sad Angry

Buzzardisnotina4birdroast · 13/12/2013 14:04

So, he is gaslighting you? Any other abuse?

lottiegarbanzo · 13/12/2013 14:06

That would make me very, very angry, it's incredibly inconsiderate.

He's making dates with you, then standing you up, then laughing at you. It's the same as if you were dating, except worse because you're more committed to him, so letting you down and demonstrating himself to be unreliable, disrespectful and cruel has bigger implications.

Does he actually expect that you'll just re-shape all your plans around him and that you are infinitely flexible? Or that nothing you do, or want to do actually matters?

Perhaps he has real problems planning; identifying how long things take and when they need to happen, so constantly finds himself surprised that they're not finished yet, or doesn't even attempt to plan, just does what seems most urgent in his head right now. Not someone anyone would want to employ in a responsible role or one involving other people then! If that's true, time management and planning are problems for him that he needs to tackle.

He'll probably say he's just a more relaxed person and you need to be more laid-back. That translates as either his preoccupations are more important than yours, so stop making 'demands' upon him, or, he's a lazy, disorganised person who has no concept of anyone thinking it's important to get anything done ever.

Or, quite likely, he doesn't want to go for lunch and shopping with you but finds it easier to string you along and pretend something else came up or is more urgent, than say so.

Don't pander or put up with it. Do make sure he writes plans in his diary / phone when he makes them. Don't wait around. Just say 'I was expecting you at 12.30, it's 12.40 now and I'll be leaving the house at 12.45, if you're not here I'll see you later.' Do make plans for lunches and shopping with friends instead. If questioned, point out that they don't let you down like he does and you have a really nice time. It's his loss that he's missing out on having fun with you.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 13/12/2013 14:06

I wouldn't bother making any arrangements like that in future. If he asks why I'd say because you will only change your mind and not tell me. Let him get on with it. It's not funny, he's being an arse.

momb · 13/12/2013 14:11

He may just be disorganised/a poor communicator rather than beng deliberately crap, but you are not unreasonable to talk to him about it. Possibly he's laughing at you because instead of talking about it you waited for him to do it week in week out and them exploded?
I'm a bit like your Dp and think that things are arranged when they aren't, or that I've said something when I haven't so we have one of those family calendars with several columns and EVERYTHING, down to which of us is picking up which DC from wherever, when we have plans for us, with family, even when we've told the kids we'll do something at the weekend in passing (so we don't change our minds and cause YD a meltdown). It all goes on the calendar and I have to say our relationship is a lot easier because of it. We use pencil so it can always be changed, but at least once it's down in black and white we all know what has been agreed.

OBitchery · 13/12/2013 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pregnantpause · 13/12/2013 14:14

Yanbu. He's a twat. He doesn't 'change plans without telling you' he forces you to wait on him before revealing and apparently revelling in the fact he's not got to keep to your plans. It seems controlling, and very very disrespectful.
At the very least it's him being a selfish prick, at worst a cruel and abusive selfish prick.

And if my husband, or anyone else for that matter, were to laugh at and mock my feelings or anger, I would cut them down sharpish and have nothing to do with the tossers againAngry I can't imagine, beyond spitting at you, a more offensive reaction to anger than laughing, belittling and mocking it. I'm genuinely angry on your behalf, and I do not get angry, or myself het up over nothing- and nor do you, he just tells you that. Once more, yanbu, he's a prickAngry

specialsubject · 13/12/2013 14:15

you have sex with this guy because....????

lottiegarbanzo · 13/12/2013 14:15

If he was laughing in disbelief at how long you've bottled this up but with affection, you'd know that pretty quickly. He'd be apologising and comforting you. I dojn't get the impression that was how the interaction ended.

onedogandababy · 13/12/2013 14:19

Uhhh, and his good points are?

YANBU I would be pissed off, annoyed at the texts saying yes will be there then blatantly not, when as you say, you could have got on with it yourself. And then worse at the name calling and the laughter. Pretty nasty.

Been together long??

And what did he say when you asked him why he does it?

BlackholesAndRevelations · 13/12/2013 14:22

Never said this before but you really need to leave the bastard. What a horrible man.

GogoGobo · 13/12/2013 14:28

Oh dear, he seems more than a little inadequate and needs to dick you around to some how make himself feel important. I get more courtesy from ebay buyers around timings.....says it all really

NigellasDealer · 13/12/2013 14:34

that behaviour is bordering on abusive

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