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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP changing plans in his head and failing to let me know and laughing at me

60 replies

tracilou · 13/12/2013 13:30

So pissed off. Admittedly I can work myself into a fury over nothing so not sure if I'm over-reacting but I'm so angry at DP. Basically he has a habit of making plans with me and then changing his mind without letting me know. A few weeks ago we'd arranged to go out for a meal over lunch as he was due to finish work at 11.30am. So 12pm I'm sat there waiting. 12.30pm - still nothing. 1pm - not even a text so I text him to see where he was ... no reply. 2pm I get a text saying "was just having a game of football, on my way now" - thanks for letting me know the plans had changed and we were no longer going for a meal!

Last weekend we had arranged to do shopping together Friday afternoon as again, he was due to finish at 11.30 so I specially chose not to work that day (I'm on flexi hours). 12pm I text him to ask if we're still doing shopping - he said "yes, won't be long x" - 1pm I text him saying "I can do the shopping on my own if you want?" and he replied "no wait for me, I won't be long". 1.30pm he comes in - and says "I have loads to do around the house, why don't you go without me?" - ffs I'd been waiting hours for him, why couldn't he have just text me earlier and said that so I wasn't waiting around???

So today I've just really blown my top. Again I chose not to work as we had arranged to go and get christmas shopping and have lunch out. He was due to finish work at 12.30 so I hadn't eaten (as we were supposed to be eating out). 12.30 he text me more or less saying he was on his way and then we could get going. 12.50 he comes in and says "I need to get on with that fence but you never let me get on with anything!"

FFS why say he wants to do these things and keep me waiting around for him just to come home and decide that he'd changed his mind earlier in the day and just neglected to tell me?? So I was pissed off because again I'd been waiting around, I was hungry and I'd been looking forward to going just for him to come home and make out that I was dragging him out and he'd much rather not go. I told him I was angry because he keeps doing this, I asked why make arrangements if you don't want to do them?? why couldn't you let me know earlier that you didn't want to go?? etc

Anyway he burst out laughing, accused me of having a "proper duck fit" over it, starting taking the piss and continuously laughing at me as I got more and more angry and upset (more at the laughing now than anything else).

OP posts:

Original poster

tracilou · 13/12/2013 14:36

Good to know I'm not over reacting. So after all this he gaffs about and then shouts "right I'm ready to go" in a reluctant "if I must" kinda tone. I go to put my shoes and coat on and he's actually marching around implying that he's following orders. How childish eh? This little boy is in his 40s. So with the continuing laughing and piss taking I tell him that actually I can't be arsed with it anymore and go and make myself some soup. 10 minutes later he's sat sulking on the sofa (funny how he was apparently so desperate to fix the fence earlier). I asked if he does it on purpose as this is the 3rd time in as many weeks that he's let me down not to mention other occasions where he's waited for me to get all ready for a day out just to start moaning that he has so much to be getting on with around the house. This way he's not saying he won't go, just letting me know that if he's forced to go it will be under duress. So when I say "don't bother then!" He can later say "it was you that said not to bother!!"

Anyway he started mocking me again saying that yes he does do it on purpose because as all the evidence suggests, he's just too selfish his excuse was then that he's so busy trying to keep everyone happy that sometimes people will get let down??!! He just talks nonsense and I can't be bothered trying to talk to him as he makes it impossible with the sarcasm and weird comments. Anyway I arranged to go to a football game with him tomorrow and he's been asking me continuously if I definitely want to go because if not he can arrange for a mate to go with him. I think I'll let him know that I've changed my mind ooo say ... Half hour before kick off tomorrow.

OP posts:

NigellasDealer · 13/12/2013 14:38

do it !!
say to him ' oh sorry I decided to go shopping instead' then laugh when he gets upset and take yourself out.

Kerosene · 13/12/2013 14:39

Half-hour after, surely?

What, other than a half-fixed fence, are you getting out of this relationship?

CynicalandSmug · 13/12/2013 14:41

Why on earth would you be with this inadequate man-child?

Original poster

tracilou · 13/12/2013 14:41

I think he has form for this behaviour, I was shocked to find out that before he met me he was dating a woman with two small kids. Before long he'd promised to take her to leeds festival and they went as far as arranging clothing, camping gear and buying tickets. She was really excited about it and got babysitters sorted out. Two weeks before the festival he sent her a FACEBOOK message apologising that actually, he can no longer take her to the festival and will give her back her money and sell her ticket to a mate. She was gutted. Who would do that to someone???

OP posts:

Ragusa · 13/12/2013 14:41

He sounds really awful - cruel, childish and manipulative. How long have you been together, and do you have children together?

NigellasDealer · 13/12/2013 14:42

Who would do that to someone???
ummmm.....a total cunt?

TalkativeJim · 13/12/2013 14:43

Yes, do that.

And then later that evening say you'll come over, then text him -'Actually changed my mind, not coming over as have dumped you, sorry didn't get round to telling you earlier. LOL!!'

Really.

Dump.

Laughing at you?

Never, ever, EVER a good sign.

You could do A LOT better.

ScrambledSmegs · 13/12/2013 14:43

He sounds really unpleasant I'd rather be on my own than with someone who treated every day as an opportunity to get one up on me. Relationships aren't meant to be a competition.

ScrambledSmegs · 13/12/2013 14:45

Just read your latest post. He's vile.

TalkativeJim · 13/12/2013 14:45

Wow, have just seen your latest post.

That is one nasty piece of work.

If you know that about him and are happy to stay with him- well - I don't know what to say really. Just don't expect a loving, reliable, kind partner walking beside you through life, I guess.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 13/12/2013 14:46

Why are you tolerating this nasty behavior?

lottiegarbanzo · 13/12/2013 14:46

Wow, he doesn't like you very much does he.

Sounds like 'pandering' to your ideas about having a nice time together is just something he feels he, sometimes, has to out himself out to do to get a shag, frankly.

He sounds like one of the more self-centred men on the planet - and one who doesn't actually enjoy others' company at all, just sees them as a means to an end - his enjoyment and the easiest life obtainable.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/12/2013 14:46

How long have you been together? I'm presuming you live together - is it yours, his or joint? How much work will it be to extricate yourself from this excuse-of-a-relationship? Because really, he is not going to change.

gamerchick · 13/12/2013 14:48

So what do you get out of being with him? There has to be something.

Original poster

tracilou · 13/12/2013 14:53

It's been crossing my mind for quite a while that I may as we'll leave the relationship. I have to practically beg him to get off his computer and spend time with me in an evening. He's constantly having a go at me for being untidy despite the fact that I am the only person in the house that ever cleans the bathrooms, the rabbit hutch, washes and irons everyone's clothes etc. he seems disappointed when I'm getting on with his son, if me and his son seem like we're having a good time together or that his son likes me he actually seems disappointed and tries to rubbish it by saying his sons learning difficulties make him fickle and unpredictable and the "friendship" won't last. I'm just fed up of it all, he's a reveller of misery.

OP posts:

Lavenderhoney · 13/12/2013 14:54

His ex had a lucky escape then.

He won't change. You've put up with it way too much, like once.

Extricate yourself and enjoy a normal life with people that don't mess with your time or your head. I wouldn't bother discussing it with him, he knows.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 13/12/2013 14:56

Dump the Chump, hes an all level arsehole, who ACTUALLY enjoys pissing on your parade, and not just yours, others too.

This is not a man your gonna grow old with.

Inertia · 13/12/2013 14:58

You are under-reacting.

At a work training session, we were told that the most telling indicator for success in a relationship is contempt- if either partner shows contempt for the other, it's very rare for the relationship to be a success.

Every part of this man's behaviour- the deliberate lateness, leaving you waiting, making you miss meals, mocking and laughing at you- screams his contempt for you out loud. And the festival ticket story indicates that he's done this to other women too.

Don't bother going to the football match, or texting him. Just don't turn up- and then continue to not bother turning up.

Inertia · 13/12/2013 14:59

And he's trying to sabotage his own child's happiness FFS- what a nasty piece of shit he is.

livinginawinterwonderland · 13/12/2013 15:03

Err, and you're with him why?

wordyBird · 13/12/2013 15:05

he started mocking me again saying that yes he does do it on purpose because as all the evidence suggests, he's just too selfish

that remark was the plain unvarnished truth. Mocking tone or not.

Dump him. Chances are he has even nastier behaviour up his sleeve, that you haven't witnessed yet.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 13/12/2013 15:10

He's a manipulative, abusive, cruel, vile arsehole. He seems to be revelling in messing you about. Get rid. Seriously.

Do you live together? If so, who's house is it? If it's yours tell him to leave. If it's his, you need to leave for your own sanity. If it's been crossing your mind for a while that you should leave, there must have been instances prior to this that made you feel that way. Why haven't you ended it before now? Serious question, btw, not a criticism.

pianodoodle · 13/12/2013 15:19

Have to agree with everyone else especially as you know he has form for this with other women.

I'd hoof him out. Sorry :(

Thistledew · 13/12/2013 15:20

" he started mocking me again saying that yes he does do it on purpose because as all the evidence suggests, he's just too selfish "

When someone tells you how they are - listen to them.

I spent far too long in a toxic relationship doling out reassurances that XP wasn't all the things that he was telling me - when in fact he was. By stating his faults so blankly he is trying to draw you in to denying that he has those faults, so preventing you from acknowledging that that is actually the way he is behaving.

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