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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be thinking about getting a kitten for DD?

57 replies

Balaboosta · 12/12/2013 16:37

The dilemma is to do with my DTs, who will be 7 next week. The thing is that DD desperately wants a cat for Christmas. But DS (autistic spectrum / Asperger’s) is really afraid of cats. So, each night, she is crying because she wants a cat and he is crying because he doesn’t!

I support my DD's wish for a cat because her daddy left home in August. And being a twin, and her brother having Asperger’s, puts her under various pressures and often leaves her little space. But she is a good sister and works hard to support him. So I would really like to be able to give her the cat she wants as something comforting for herself.

But, DS's fears seem to run deep. He has always been afraid of dogs and cats – he was run down by a dog in a big open space as a toddler. At times this fear has reached phobic proportions. It seems possible that the sudden and unpredictable movement of cats presents some kind of sensory processing difficulties for him because he seems disconcerted by the idea that an animal can just come at you, out of your control.

In general, predictability does not seem to be a main driver for him – one of his atypical aspects is that he enjoys novelty and new experiences - but control is important. It is also possible that his reluctance stems from not wanting to me to gratify his sister’s wish, in other words, sibling rivalry…

So I’m in agony of indecision about the ethics of introducing a cat into DS's home. Is it a terrible thing to do to him? Might he get used to it? Could the cat even turn out to be beneficial to him in the long run, which has been suggested to me? How will DD deal with it if she doesn't get one? Over to you, MN jury!

OP posts:

Original poster

Balaboosta · 12/12/2013 16:38

(posting also in special needs)

OP posts:

lljkk · 12/12/2013 16:42

It wouldn't be fair on the cat, sorry.
Is there scope for a different kind of pet, what about a pair of rats?

SantanaLopez · 12/12/2013 16:44

I wonder if you could arrange for her to volunteer in a cat's home or something? Or adopt a cat in a rescue?

It wouldn't be fair on the cat or your DS.

NinjaBunny · 12/12/2013 16:45

You say he's scared of cats but is he scared of kittens?

They're small. And cute.

He may feel differently if it was his cat.

gingermop · 12/12/2013 16:46

i understand where ur coming from, my ds2 is asd and is pettrified of dogs, my other dc's would love one though , ds2's needs on this one outweigh the others need though in my opinion

WaitMonkey · 12/12/2013 16:57

I would never bring an animal into a home, unless everybody in the house wanted it.

twinkletoedelephant · 12/12/2013 16:58

We have a cat he is very good with the kids but isn't a great pet for my 7 yr old we got her 2 rats she spends hours each day playing with them she can hug them and stroke them they don't smell bad we clean her girls every week they are the best pet she tells everyone to get some. Much better than Percy who sleeps alot and only cuddles on his terms :)

HesterShaw · 12/12/2013 17:01

I wouldn't, not unless everyone is going to love it

Also, I don't agree with buying animals for Christmas. By all means get a cat if he gets over his fear, but not for Christmas :)

NatashaBee · 12/12/2013 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HedgehogsRevenge · 12/12/2013 17:09

A cat for Christmas , i hope you're joking. When will people learn ANIMALS ARE NOT SUITABLE GIFTS. They are 15-20 years of commitment and expense. And children cannot be expected to be responsible for an animal. Please familiarize yourself with the Animal Welfare Act 2006. It states an owners legal responsibilities for their pets, you should be aware of them before purchasing one.

ilovesooty · 12/12/2013 17:17

It's totally unreasonable. To be honest I can't imagine why it's even under consideration.

honeythewitch · 12/12/2013 17:22

Very unreasonable. You cant get a cat with the view to rehoming him if your son doesn't get used to him.
See if he can get used to cats and kittens first. Maybe a local breeder can help? And if everything goes well perhaps choose a placid breed?
If not then maybe a different pet such as a chinchilla?

Topseyt · 12/12/2013 17:29

Hedgehogs has hit the nail on the head there.

Sadly, I think it doesn't really sound as if you are yet in a position to take on a pet. You need to prepare your family first and Christmas is hardly the best time to do that.

Kittens are not just cute little fluffballs. They are scratchy, bitey, into everything, destructive, may sometimes still need litter tray trained (though many have been trained by the mother cat whilst still in the litter) and costly. Think of food, vet bills, vaccinations and insurance for the next 15 - 20 years.

As a fully grown cat you will find that they often settle down to become lovely, independent pets, but you may well find that they are also hunters. Many cats will hunt out mice, rats, birds, moles, voles and other small animals and bring them back to you, often dead, but sometimes needing "finished off".

A 7 year old cannot possibly take all of that on, so you would find yourself doing it at the same time as coping with your son

I am not trying to put you off for good, but you need to think it through more. Could you introduce your children to the idea of pets and what is involved in caring for them by visiting local rescue centres? See how they react, and also suss out whether or not you too could cope.

Take advice from those with experience in the rescue centre. Do some reading up on the type of pet you decide would be most suitable and take it from there.

hoppinghare · 12/12/2013 17:33

I don't think giving her an animal at christmas time is wrong as long as you were wanting the animal anyway. There is no need to be so rude to the OP. How do you know she hasn't had a cat for years before and knows exactly what having a cat entails? Or that she has wanted to bring a cat into the family for a long time and thinks it would be nice to do it at xmas. The OP has a genuine dilemma.

I don't think you should get a cat as if your son can't cope you would have to rehome the cat. That wouldn't be fair on the cat and may prove difficult as it is much easier for kittens to find homes than cats.

Topseyt · 12/12/2013 17:37

The dilemma is addressed in several of the replies. Some of us have suggested gradual introductions/desensitisations first in order to see whether or not a cat would be suitable.

Christmas is NOT a suitable time to begin such a process and it isn't rude to point that out.

She could begin the process sometime early in the new year, but may have to prepare her daughter for the possibility that a different pet might be more appropriate, depending on what happens.

BrownSauceSandwich · 12/12/2013 17:46

Agree with the others who say that pets aren't gifts, and kittens are bitey, and that everybody has to be on board. And I'll add that if you try to get hold of a kitten in less than a fortnight, at best you'll end up with one from a moron who ought to learn to neuter their pets. At worst you'll end up with one from some bastard who breeds them for a quick buck, and who'll churn out litter after litter after litter, which is abuse.

I really do feel for your daughter, and I think it'd be great to find a way to indulge her interest, maybe by making time to go with her to volunteer at an animal rescue centre. If it really is about sibling rivalry, you may find your son decides he wants in on the act too, at which point you could consider getting a family cat.

GhostsInSnow · 12/12/2013 17:52

I'm not at all against animals for Christmas in certain circumstances. I pick up our lovely Scottie boy next weekend, but he's coming to a home where we have had Scotties before, we've recently lost an old dog and DD is 16 (she has no idea we are even having him so will be a lovely surprise)

However, smaller kids are invariably excited at Christmas, lots going on and introducing a kitten in the middle of all that generally isn't the best idea at the best of times, least of all to a child who might well be scared of the animal.

DH's cousin had a child who was terrified of dogs. By the age of 12 her mother (a woman who made a wet lettuce look positively rigid) had instilled such dog fear into her she had to cross the street when she saw one. They decided to buy her a cute little westie puppy for Christmas. The girl screamed the place down (it was by all accounts one hell of a reaction from a near teenager to a small, quite cute puppy), refused to spend a night in the same house and the dog was returned to the breeder the following day.

Gradual introduction is most definitely the way forward I think.

RightsaidFreud · 12/12/2013 17:59

It wouldn't be fair on the cat or your son to put it/him in this situation. Cats aren't like dogs, and trust me, if the cats isn't happy it won't stick around and that will be upsetting for your DD. What about a gentle introduction to cats for DS, perhaps at a cats home or do some of your friends have cats he could get to know?

AChristmassyJerseySpud · 12/12/2013 18:11

A cat for Christmas, Really?

I think its a terrible idea.

EvilRingahBitch · 12/12/2013 18:18

You need to find a less drastic way to discover whether your DS can get over his fear - getting a "trial" kitten is not fair up it or your DD. Good luck though - my DCs have one cat each, and the relationship between them is well worth the effort.

Original poster

Balaboosta · 12/12/2013 18:19

hmm. interesting and thought-provoking. thank you.

The Christmas thing complicates it, I can see that. Actually, I was thinking of it as a birthday present - the trouble is that their birthday is on Christmas Eve! This is a major headache always, with the pressure on to decide and get two major presents x two children... It's even hard to find the time to properly give and digest the presents when you factor in stockings and everything else.

But I think it's an important point about not trying to do this at this exact time. And I get that this is a project, best done gradually.

My difficulty is needing to address DD's needs at this time. She's really emotional about this and tearful. I can't tell her that we are or aren't getting a cat because of the uncertainty about the decision.

But rats is an interesting idea. Do you put the cage in the child's bedroom or can it go in a garage or outdoors? Clearly have a bit to learn about rats! They're intelligent, no? I remember a thread about them earlier this year from a woman who loved the way they smelled!

I have kept a cat before, we got the second one when I was in my late teens. But haven't done cage-based animals before.

OP posts:

AphraBane · 12/12/2013 18:20

Kids have to learn that they can't always get what they want. DD2 desperately wants a dog - I've told her that's not going to happen because I'm just not a dog person, although I have nothing against them. The compromise we've come to is that we offer to dog-sit for friends on holiday, so far that's been twice for a few days - DD2 gets to dog walk and play with 'her' animal but then the owners come and pick it up again soon afterwards. Win-win situation. Could you try something like that, perhaps you could arrange to feed a neighbour's cat on holiday and take DD round to help out with the care? Or helping out at a cats' home, as Right suggested.

bigtimerush · 12/12/2013 18:25

I don't get why people are saying pets are a Bad idea for Christmas?

We have been thinking for ages about getting the DT's a Guinea pig each and instead of buying them in November we have waited and they will be getting them for Christmas.

Getting a pet at Christmas doesn't automatically mean everyone will be dumping them in the new year..

This goes for cats and dogs... If you want one don't see what the difference is if you get it in December or January? Still got it for life.

BerryChristmas · 12/12/2013 18:26

I found (with my Asperger son, growing up) that he THOUGHT he was afraid of xxxxxx............then, when faced with it, did a complete 'U' turn ! It was the THOUGHT that was the problem, not the actual object (although, saying that, he STILL hates mushrooms even though he is now grown up).

But you get my drift. I hope. Has your son actually been in close contact with kittens/cats yet? It could be that they are pretty unpredictable and he doesn't 'know what they are going to do'.

HedgehogsRevenge · 12/12/2013 18:30

Rats make great pets for children. Very affectionate and intelligent, can be trained to do tricks etc. Much.less likely to bite than hamsters. They're very social and absolutely must be housed in pairs. They're active at night though so maybe not in the bedroom. Just do your research whatever you decide on.

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