...to be thinking about getting a kitten for DD?

[Balaboosta]

The dilemma is to do with my DTs, who will be 7 next week. The thing is that DD desperately wants a cat for Christmas. But DS (autistic spectrum / Asperger’s) is really afraid of cats. So, each night, she is crying because she wants a cat and he is crying because he doesn’t!

I support my DD's wish for a cat because her daddy left home in August. And being a twin, and her brother having Asperger’s, puts her under various pressures and often leaves her little space. But she is a good sister and works hard to support him. So I would really like to be able to give her the cat she wants as something comforting for herself.

But, DS's fears seem to run deep. He has always been afraid of dogs and cats – he was run down by a dog in a big open space as a toddler. At times this fear has reached phobic proportions. It seems possible that the sudden and unpredictable movement of cats presents some kind of sensory processing difficulties for him because he seems disconcerted by the idea that an animal can just come at you, out of your control.

In general, predictability does not seem to be a main driver for him – one of his atypical aspects is that he enjoys novelty and new experiences - but control is important. It is also possible that his reluctance stems from not wanting to me to gratify his sister’s wish, in other words, sibling rivalry…

So I’m in agony of indecision about the ethics of introducing a cat into DS's home. Is it a terrible thing to do to him? Might he get used to it? Could the cat even turn out to be beneficial to him in the long run, which has been suggested to me? How will DD deal with it if she doesn't get one? Over to you, MN jury!

Berry! Yes! Thank you, this is what I was wondering. Like just how scared he would actually be? You know that Aspie thing where they work themselves up and then it just passes, like a summer storm? That.

About the Christmas thing - I get that it's a bit too much of a hectic time. And there's that slogan about a dog being for life not for Christmas which is obviously got under the skin.

We stayed with a cat (and its people) in the summer and it was okay. He was nervous but not catatonic. (Like what I did there?)

I was hoping that someone might come along with experience about children getting over their fears of animals by having one. When his fear of dogs was at its height, people were always suggesting we should get one for him to get over his fear with.

Oh can I ask - what do you mean about "helping out at a rescue centre"? What does that involve?

I feel sorry for your son. Your daughter has the capability to understand 'no' properly and the reason why you said it, your son unfortunately does not. My daughter is ASD so I have experience in this and I certainly wouldn't put her in the position that you are considering for your son. Your daughter will get over it, your son however may not.

Of course it's ok to get an animal for Christmas if it is 100% your intention to keep it for life, no different to any other time of the year. Impulse gifting needs to be avoided, not the animal per se.

I've had animals for Christmas gifts, they've all lived long and happy lives.

You sound like you're giving it lots of thought. How about visiting a friend who has a cat or other animals and see how he feels. Make it a gift for the whole family, out cat is the families not just one persons.

bigtimerush. There are lots of reasons why it's not suitable. The whole excitement of Christmas for a start will increase the stress of a new environment. It gives the impression that they are disposable along with the rest of the 'presents'. Where puppies and kittens are concerned tinsel, bin liner ties, chocolate are all massive risks if eaten. I could go on. Children should never be given animals as presents, it sends out all the wrong messages.

I used to be scared of cats and dogs when I was very small. At 4 there was a cat that used to sneak into our house and open the door to the fridge (I kid you not) my feet would always be up on the sofa.

Mum and Dad Mum decided to get a cat so that I wouldn't be frightened of them. We got 2 sisters and one was actually quite aggressive but the other was so lovely. In the end, I wasn't scared of cats but was weary if they showed certain signs of aggression.

I got rid of my fear of dogs partially at around 14 when I had a friend who had a Rottweiler. I presumed it would bite me but the thing kept licking my feet and trying to lay on me first thing in the morning when the door to the room was opened. I didn't completely get over it 100% until my partner got his guide dog. Now yet again the same with cats I know the warning signs and fear aggressive dogs, not dogs in general.

So I think it can be done but it needs to be done a bit more delicately than it was done with me, due to your sons ASD. Perhaps contact an organisation related to autism and see if they can make some suggestions for you?

I hope your daughter and son are both happy with whatever decision is made ultimately. :)

Oh and I also had rats and they were fantastic. You do need to handle them regularly though to keep them tame, but they are so affectionate and very clever. But as PP has said, they are very active at night so you either want them in someone's room who sleeps like a rock or you may want them in the living room or another similar room in the house. It's lovely to watch them play though and definitely get them a fellow rat, they get lonely and have been known to die due to loneliness.

I second (or third!) the rats idea - I'm sitting here reading this with my big cuddly boy (rescue, his cage mate died last week) snuggled down my dressing gown. He keeps popping up for cuddles and kisses (and maybe air!) He'll be like this for hours. My cats, OTOH, are ignoring me ... as usual.

dd's rats live in a big cage (ebay) in her room they are bright awake in the day and very inquistertive dd has 'trained' them to chase after a ball and they like to 'chill' out in her hoody when she is wandering around ...

just asked dd if rats make good pets ?

she says yes they are amazeballs..... so there you go :)

Yes for rats!!

I have five at the moment (have kept them all my life) in a very large cage on wheels.
They are fantastic, friendly, clean and clever. They are so very affectionate and will be best friends for your DD.

Do not buy from a pet store if you can avoid it - they come from large breeders and are less friendly/ healthy in general.
Local pet homes/ breeders will have friendly bundles of fluff to take home and they will love your DD as much as she loves them.

If you want any information just pm me.

Thanks - and I'm liking the idea about rats coming in pairs - think that might sit better with our twin dynamic. They're used to things coming in pairs. There's even a space in the living room where they might go.

So - given everyone's views on pets as gifts, would it be better to discuss with twins first and then go together to choose the animals, having got cage and everything else prepared?

Last year DD got a violin and we gave it to her early in Drcember when her lessons started so maybe that's a way to de-hitch from the whole animals as Xmas presents thing...?

I do wonder if you could speak to the Cats Protection League in he new year and enquire aout going to see some kittens when they have a litter in? When we got our CPL rescue the lady had a crate of kittens in her kitchen, so if there was some sort of set up like that where your DS could meet some tiny kittens, but not be surrounded by other larger cats, you could see how he responds to them

I would not be thinking of an animal as a Christmas present. Maybe it is something to consider for another time of year, such as a birthday, especially as in warmer weather your DS may be outside more so can have less contact with the kitten initially.

Could you compromise on something like a guinea pig which could be kept in a cage and which could help gradually desensitise your ds in relation to animals?

FWIW my dd desperately wanted guinea pigs and (because we lived near a river and had problems with the occasional rat and the man from Rentokil said it would be worst possible thing to get and a cat would be better) we compromised with kittens for Christmas. DD was 9 and we got two brothers.

We got them on the understanding that I am a cat lover and was prepared to take over their care. They are loved members of the family (my younger ds's!). DD is 15 now and loves them dearly but frankly has done very little in the context of looking after them. The food smells gross, the litter smells gross, holding the down for flea drops is gross. But she loves them.

The other thing OP is that you can bank on about £20 pcm on insurance, £15 on food, £10 a month on misc vet bills, cost of cat flap, etc., so it does work out as quite an expensive present over time - not forgetting cat kennels, etc., when you go on holiday.

Once you decide on which type of pet suits OP, I would get a book on the care of that animal and read it with your dc so everyone understands what's involved beforehand. It'll help teach them how to care for them. Then you can all go and choose your pet(s) together. I'd also recommend a breeder over a pet shop for rats.

Rats are the best :) me and my dp have kept them for years. They need lots of time to get them really friendly but can be litter trained and basically free range. Their like little cats. Please feel free to pm me if you want to ask any questions.

Wow, thanks for feeding my thoughts! Birthday present - same problem. DT's birthday is Christmas Eve!

YABVVVVVU! A kitten is not a Christmas present. No reputable breeder/shelter will let you have one this close to Christmas anyway. If your DS is scared of it and you have to rehome it, that is not fair on your DS, the kitten or your daughter. Kittens are a handful at the best of times.

And using a kitten to try and get your DS over his fear is ridiculous and irresponsible, totally not fair on the kitten. Animals are not 'presents' nor should they be used as some way to help someone overcome their fear.

I'm getting us a cat for Christmas and I take the responsibility seriously. I don't intend to send it back! The animal rescue centre we went to thought that my hours are too long for a kitten so will get a slightly older cat. Rescue centre were a bit odd in that they thought that I needed to take a year off work to look after a kitten though... who on earth can do that?

So superstar do we need to ask MNHQ for a new acronym - SAHPO (stay at home pet-owner). Attachment kitten-parenting anyone? Enjoy your kitty!

Any thoughts on my daughter's emotional well-being in this situation anyone?

The main thing about your DD is that it would be catastrophic to get a pet that she loves and then have to get rid of it because DS is unmanageably scared. Second worst scenario is getting a pet that she loves, being unable to get rid of it for fear of breaking her heart, and having to keep it and DS separate for the rest of its life (much easier with rats than cats I grant you).

Work on DS, and be absolutely sure that your eventual decision won't backfire, for DD's sake as much as his.

We are cat lovers - have 3. I bought my DH and DDs a kitten for xmas a few years ago. But on xmas day I presented them with cat bed, food bowl, photo etc and then we picked the cat up 2 days later when things had quietened down.

My sister and I each had a kitten for Christmas. We loved and cared for them for years! Unfortunately both have now passed away. I think no animals for Christmas is a bit if a sweeping statement. If it's the right time for the family it have a pet it doesn't matter what time of year it is.

OP only you can decide whether the time is right. Can you visit someone with a kitten to see what your son thinks?