...to be thinking about getting a kitten for DD?

[Balaboosta]

The dilemma is to do with my DTs, who will be 7 next week. The thing is that DD desperately wants a cat for Christmas. But DS (autistic spectrum / Asperger’s) is really afraid of cats. So, each night, she is crying because she wants a cat and he is crying because he doesn’t!

I support my DD's wish for a cat because her daddy left home in August. And being a twin, and her brother having Asperger’s, puts her under various pressures and often leaves her little space. But she is a good sister and works hard to support him. So I would really like to be able to give her the cat she wants as something comforting for herself.

But, DS's fears seem to run deep. He has always been afraid of dogs and cats – he was run down by a dog in a big open space as a toddler. At times this fear has reached phobic proportions. It seems possible that the sudden and unpredictable movement of cats presents some kind of sensory processing difficulties for him because he seems disconcerted by the idea that an animal can just come at you, out of your control.

In general, predictability does not seem to be a main driver for him – one of his atypical aspects is that he enjoys novelty and new experiences - but control is important. It is also possible that his reluctance stems from not wanting to me to gratify his sister’s wish, in other words, sibling rivalry…

So I’m in agony of indecision about the ethics of introducing a cat into DS's home. Is it a terrible thing to do to him? Might he get used to it? Could the cat even turn out to be beneficial to him in the long run, which has been suggested to me? How will DD deal with it if she doesn't get one? Over to you, MN jury!

No. She can have a cat when she grows up. She's got the rest of her life to have cats. Don't upset your son with 15 years of his phobia wandering around puking on everything.

Anyway you don't get a child a pet. You're getting the pet. She won't feed it or play with it after the first month and you're the one stuck with it then for the next 15 years.

If she wanted a pony or a reindeer or a wolf this wouldn't be an issue. Just say no. She will be obsessed with someone else next year.

A kitten is nothing like a cat.
Why not have a look for a rescue that has kittens and go and visit with dc, not just dd. Make it a family thing rather than a kitten for her, and he may feel differently, let him choose a name etc?

you can foster cats from cat home too - might be worth just talking to a cats home on that one?

Can you take them to see some kittens and see what he thinks of them? We have just brought a kitten for my daughter who has various problems, she is in love! I would either get one now or after christmas just so it settles in a calmer environment.

So much good advice.

Remember, if you get a pet for your child it is still ultimately your pet, your DD cannot take the cat to the vets or pay the bills and you will have to take responsibility if she loses interest in the cat's care. Make sure you are ready to take on the commitment of a pet.

Work on your son's fear of cats before you decide to get one. Otherwise it's completely unfair on him and the cat. If he was unable to deal with it, you would feel you had to put him first and rehome the cat, which would be upsetting for everyone. Shelters are full to bursting at the moment and it will be worse after Christmas. Don't rush to get a cat as a Christmas present, take the time to consider if a cat would fit into your family for the next 15 years.

Perhaps getting a little pet just for her, like a hamster or a gerbil might be the way forward- she can chat to it :) and have it in her room, it's a companion, but doesn't have the issues you have with a cat.

Also- cats differ, some aren't that sociable, or even worse, it might take a liking to your DS (which might be good for him) but bad for her if it doesn't give the attention she imagines. Cats are not like dogs in this respect.

I get your dd is emotionally upset right now, but really you can't just give her a cat to plug the gap. You are better off standing firm. She is trying, in the nicest possible way, to get her own way against her brother and you need to side-step this, decide on your position, and then stick with it, while being sympathetic to her.

My kids want a dog, they ask quite a lot. I don't want a dog, so there's no dog. It's more important than ever that you just keep consistent if there's emotional problems in the house and decide on something that's right for all of you.