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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To allow teen dd boyfriend in her bedroom!

64 replies

sugar4eva · 11/12/2013 21:07

Or stupid/ naive?!dd is just turned 15 and has first b friend .we have had a very open and constructive talk about sex and possibly getting carried away by hormones.he is often striking her arm or hip and she is open enough to tell me that she likes it and the feelings it brings . They gave been going out a our of weeks.we have a friend open type home were teens know they are welcome to bring pals and they often end up staying for mes etc . We only have one room with tv in and a large kitchen with sofa in. Dd and bf have tended to sit and watch a film and this has meant rest of family can't reay sit there all the time and this e ending when we all sat together dd said me and bf will go upstairs for a bit ; as she wd with a pal and I must admit that I fad not thought she would say this and I didn't react as v unsure what to say! Normally it total fine friend to to room but I'm worried he not just crud d and a bed nearby may promote ideas sooner than later ! I'm not sure that I want him in bedroom but how could I explain this ? Is it usual for teen boy and gi to friends to go to each others bedroom? We have had discussions about when she is about to come fully sexually active I'd rather her be home than some alleyway etc and that I will support her to go to a clinic etc but its these early days I'm just so u sure about! Help please!

OP posts:

catgirl1976 · 11/12/2013 21:10

My parents allowed me to sleep over at my BFs at 15 and vice versa

They knew we were having sex, knew I was on the pill and using condoms and took the view we would have sex somewhere and it was better at home than a park

That said, they knew the bf and I think it all depends on how mature you think your DD is. It sounds like you have an open relationship and that she can talk to you which is great, but it is your choice and you should base it on her (and him) and what you think she is ready for emotionally and mentally IMO

Fairylea · 11/12/2013 21:10

Personally I would let them but I'd ask them to keep the door open and I'd be really annoying and bring them frequent unexpected cups of tea etc biscuits to try to limit what they get up to - and they probably will try, it would be naive to think not.

I'd talk to her about going on the pill and provide some condoms as well. I know others would disagree and say that's allowing it but at 15 I think it's better to be safe than sorry.

usualsuspect · 11/12/2013 21:11

I would let them,but I don't think many other people on here would.

You could insist they keep the door open if it makes you feel better.

soverylucky · 11/12/2013 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RhondaJean · 11/12/2013 21:14

I wouldn't personally but it would depend how I felt their relationship was, just had a friends 15yo dd pressured into things in a similar situation, while her mother was downstairs. If I genuinely knew the boy as well and trusted him I might be ok with an open door .

PacifistDingDong · 11/12/2013 21:16

I'd let them - with the door wide open.

They can chat/listen to music/mess around on-line/canoodle, but I'd hope that full-on intercourse would not be on the cards.

I assume the boy is a similar age as your DD?

I think it is important to say to girls out loud that it is ok to say no. At any point in the proceedings. Does she actually want to have full-on sex?

MistressDeeCee · 11/12/2013 21:16

I think you dont really want him in her bedroom, and thats why youre asking the question. If you're not comfortable then tell your DD. Its the family home, you are entitled to set your own standards and boundaries and if you dont want him in her bedroom then tough, she will have to abide by that. She'll live. Personally I wouldnt allow it. Especially as your daughter has only just turned 15 and has only been with him a few weeks. Perhaps you could have a word with your DD regarding it not being such a good thing to be with a boy a short while, and make it known to him he is (already) welcome in her bedroom. When all said and done if anything were to happen (Im not suggesting theyll immediately have sex! or that even if they wanted to then they wouldnt find somewhere else to do it) then its your daughter who will go through 9 months carrying a child, and then have child to raise. Contraception is good, but accidents happen.

Not trying to sound judgmental...for me its about your DDs emotional and sexual wellbeing, and you feeling comfortable in setting your own standards within your own home.

Spaulding · 11/12/2013 21:17

When I was 15 my BF was allowed in my room and vice versa. We were sexually active although my parents were unaware of this (his were). I think my parents had their head in the sand a bit and assumed we would wait until I was 16. Instead of sitting me down and talking and perhaps accepting that at that age a sexual relationship was a possibilty, they would go through stages of letting him in our house and accepting him as my BF to banning us from seeing each other altogether.

It sounds like you're being realistic and I think you should allow them to be in your DD room together but first have a sit down with her and let her know you're there for her. If that means a trip to the GP to ensure she is taking the correct precautions, then so be it. As you say, it's better she feels there is a safe environment for her relationship than her going out who knows where to be alone with her BF.

thegreylady · 11/12/2013 21:18

Well I would let them and just insist they leave the door open :)

ExitPursuedByAChristmasGrinch · 11/12/2013 21:19

I started the exact same thread a couple of months ago. I wasn't going to but MN convinced me otherwise. It was all fine and they have since split. Result.

valiumredhead · 11/12/2013 21:20

No, and I say that on the basis of what I used to get up to!

custardo · 11/12/2013 21:22

well they are probably going to have sex - so if you are ok with that - then take her to the clinic first, don't wait

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 11/12/2013 21:25

I would allow it tbh. What is she meant to do> you don't really want them in the living room, so where are they meant to go? If you don't want them to have sex in your house, say so, now. However, personally, I would have gone batshitmental if I had been asked to laave my door open, it suggested that I couldn't be trusted and was being listened in on.

Thinking about it, I wouldn't even have asked to take someone into my own room...

Jinty64 · 11/12/2013 21:26

A bit different for me as I am Mum to boys. We let them have their friends, of both sexes, in their rooms.

usualsuspect · 11/12/2013 21:29

I never insisted on the door being left open.

But it's a compromise if you are worried.

DameDeepRedBetty · 11/12/2013 21:30

I wouldn't have dreamt of taking a bf up to my room at that age, or indeed any age, in my parent's house. Although the fact I was sharing it with my dsis3 probably had a lot to do with it too...

I'm minded to go with the 'Sure, that's ok, just leave the door ajar' thing.

Dtds turn fifteen soon, this scenario is creeping ever closer for me - eeek!

PacifistDingDong · 11/12/2013 21:32

I have only boys and I will not allow girls under 16 in to their rooms (when the time comes ) without door open.

The door open thing may be important to me just now because of a teen pregnancy thread on here currently...
I got up to absolutely nothing when I was 15/16 and my mum was constantly at me about how 'boys only want one thing' - if she's only known how little was going on she'd've slept better at night.

It has made me wonder over the years what she was doing at that age...

custardo · 11/12/2013 21:35

jinty. a group of friends sure, but as a mum to both sexes, i had some control over my daughters contraceptive choices, but i was more worried that my sons would get 'done' for statutory rape or get a girl pregnant - afterall i can't be in the room to make sure the boys use condoms

where is the make pill anyway? i remember it being mentioned 10 years ago

custardo · 11/12/2013 21:36

*male not make

sutekidane · 11/12/2013 21:39

I wouldn't let them. I'd rather set up a second TV in a family room and have them in there or they can stay and watch what everyone else watches in the main room. But I suppose that would do no good because if they want to have sex, they'll find somewhere to do it. Oh I don't know :(

usualsuspect · 11/12/2013 21:40

Not everyone has a family room though.

Teenagers need their own space.

sutekidane · 11/12/2013 21:43

I don't mean a family room like a second living room. I mean in the kitchen or something like where the OP says she has a space.

sutekidane · 11/12/2013 21:43

Space? Sofa.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 11/12/2013 21:47

if they are going to have sex they will, public sex can lead to criminal conviction.

Original poster

sugar4eva · 11/12/2013 21:55

Sovery; I meant I would take her to clinic and poss aloe to be sexually active if it came to that at later date ; talking about am I encouraging things to allow them to be in bedroom and most likely having a canoodle . I don't think she will have actual intercourse at this stage not been together long and she says she wd wait until she is 16 but I don't want to help her to speed things up by allowing too much privacy!

OP posts:

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