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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To allow teen dd boyfriend in her bedroom!

64 replies

sugar4eva · 11/12/2013 21:07

Or stupid/ naive?!dd is just turned 15 and has first b friend .we have had a very open and constructive talk about sex and possibly getting carried away by hormones.he is often striking her arm or hip and she is open enough to tell me that she likes it and the feelings it brings . They gave been going out a our of weeks.we have a friend open type home were teens know they are welcome to bring pals and they often end up staying for mes etc . We only have one room with tv in and a large kitchen with sofa in. Dd and bf have tended to sit and watch a film and this has meant rest of family can't reay sit there all the time and this e ending when we all sat together dd said me and bf will go upstairs for a bit ; as she wd with a pal and I must admit that I fad not thought she would say this and I didn't react as v unsure what to say! Normally it total fine friend to to room but I'm worried he not just crud d and a bed nearby may promote ideas sooner than later ! I'm not sure that I want him in bedroom but how could I explain this ? Is it usual for teen boy and gi to friends to go to each others bedroom? We have had discussions about when she is about to come fully sexually active I'd rather her be home than some alleyway etc and that I will support her to go to a clinic etc but its these early days I'm just so u sure about! Help please!

OP posts:

OhMerGerd · 12/12/2013 02:17

I'm of the rather my dd was in her own bed rather than his bed or the park bench end of the debate.
But I do think it depends on the maturity of the pair involved and the kind of relationship... You will know your dd best and the reality of the situation and I guess that's why you're uneasy.
Last year my dd was 15/16. She had a bf ( her first since primary hand holding) who was 17/18. He was immature, sexually repressed and desperate to lose his virginity. Nice boy in many ways but totally ruined by pornography. No way was he going into a bedroom or any room alone with dd, whether the door was open as wide as the Grand Canyon or not. Of course it was not going to last and who wants their DDs first time to be with a boy who uses the words 'ramming' & 'tearing' in his texts when what she was really looking for was a few 'i love yous' & 'i think you're amazings' It was my job to keep her 'safe' while she worked all this out for herself. So no way! It nearly killed us though driving them here organising that there so that they met in as public settings as possible and very rarely alone for long. And yes she hated it THEN ( kind of ... Because deep down somewhere in her gut alarm bells were ringing)
But eight months on and 6 months with bf 2 who is mature, respectful, affirming, very caring and a good friend to dd we are saying yes. Still with door ajar and any overnights it's the spare room or the sofa if that's not free. His mother and I discussed it when the matter of the first sleepover arose (because luckily as parents we agree boys and girls are equally vulnerable in the first love and sex respect and have equal responsibility when it comes to contraception) and we have the same rules for both homes. It's early days. They're learning how to manage all sorts of new feelings and we're supporting them by providing a comfortable and safe environment in which to do that whilst creating a set of conditions that indicates that bed-hopping from one sexual partner to the next and back again is not mature adult behaviour.
Oh and if I mention meeting bf1 in town bearing in mind this was the boy who she was sooooooo in love with a few short months ago she says she feels queasy to think of even kissing him let alone anything else. Feelings change very quickly at this age.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 12/12/2013 07:19

I think striking was a typo for stroking

valiumredhead · 12/12/2013 08:27

I have very fond memories of park benches and drafty bus shelters...

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 12/12/2013 08:33

I let mine, who is 16, but also did when she was 15.
I don't say 'leave the door ajar' because that's such an obvious signal of what I think they might be getting up to, I suppose - but maybe I should.
I just make a bit of noise on the landing every now and then.
I've told her a) condoms are not up for debate, no matter what anyone tells you he will be able to do (or not do) iyswim and b) never do anything you don't really want to out of fear that someone will be in a mood with you if you don't.

Original poster

sugar4eva · 12/12/2013 09:59

Thankyou all for advice. Just read my post ; sorry sorry for all typos!Should have put my specs on ; can hardly see keypad on this phone these days!

OP posts:

Original poster

sugar4eva · 12/12/2013 11:57

Mini ; just a middle aged lady on new phone without specs I'm afraid!

OP posts:

DownstairsMixUp · 12/12/2013 12:09

In the bedroom? As in not staying over? Fine as long as the door is open. As soon as they were both 16 though I'd be happy them closing the door, having their space etc, after the usual chats and doing my part obviously.

gotthemoononastick · 12/12/2013 12:15

A hundred years ago I would have chewed off my own arm rather than raise the subject with my parents!

My children wouldn't have thought of doing this ...."Dad would freak!"

My grandchildren are still small,but son in laws say they would 'freak' and get out shotguns rather than allow it.

Grateful to not have a dog in the fight anymore ( hums 'from a distance)

Xfirefly · 12/12/2013 12:36

I had a lot of boy mates so guys were always allowed up to my room ...my mum knew them well...so when I had boyfriends they were allowed in my room. house was too small to do anything anyway. I voluntarily left the door open because the dogs could open the doors anyway

my OH was the first guy allowed to sleepover. I was 18, he was 19 and we had been together a year. I didn't even ask, my dad said he could. me and mum were .

as long as she knows about safe sex etc etc and she keeps door open then I'd let her. my friend, who's mum was very strict and wouldn't let a boy through the door, was fooling around with boys everywhere at 15

Xfirefly · 12/12/2013 12:37

by fooling round everywhere I meant having sex in not very nice places...

shebird · 12/12/2013 12:38

I think it is early days and all know that relationships at 15 are unlikely to develop into anything serious or long term. Perhaps you could put up with the situation a bit longer and see how it goes.
At this age your daughters home and her bedroom is her sanctuary and you do not want to create any bad memories or regrets under your roof. She might not be as ready as she thinks to progress the relationship further and by setting some boundaries it gives her a bit of space to take decisions more slowly. Keep the communication lines open and see how it goes. Good luck!

kali110 · 12/12/2013 12:39

I was allowed to have my my 18 bf in my bedroom at 16 with my very protective parents but my mom would often come in asking if we wanted drinks lol
I would never have had sex with him in my house
Even now with my dp if we stay over at my mums house id never have sex in my family house the thought makes me feel ill lol

kali110 · 12/12/2013 12:41

Mu parents did let bfs sleep over though, but only in the spare room and they dare not creep into my room in the night!!

NoComet · 12/12/2013 12:51

DD1 is almost 16 and hasn't had a BF (although she has been with her DF(who happens to be male) in her room and at his house while his parents were out.

He's younger than her and I'm certain they are discussing Dr Who.

In any case if DD1 did want to have sex she'd organise condoms and a place in the woods (DD1 is quietly, very organised)

DD2(12) has already had a couple of short lived BFs and is far more susceptible to peer pressure she's the one I worry about.

Both DDs have been told very firmly that I don't believe in underage sex and I'm not babysitting any resulting babies.
I'm totally frank that I believe in abortion and that children deserve a good start in life, not any life.

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