AIBU, to ask for help in writing a "strongly worded letter' to the school?

[Fleurdebleurgh]

Im not very good at being rational or calm when it comes to the treatment of my children, so im appealing to the MN jury for some help in writing a complaint to DC school.

Today, i went to collect DD (7) from school, after all the children had been 'released' to their parents by the teacher, DD was still nowhere to be seen.
The teacher and TA tell me they dont remember seeing DD and they begin to look for her. After about 5 mins they have found her, shes in the toilets and wont come out.

I go to the toilets and im greeted by a very tearful semi naked DD, and a pile of urine soaked clothes on the floor. Her coat, trousers, socks, shoes and knickers are cmpletely sodden and she is doing that sobbing kind of cry where your whole body shakes.
DD tells me she has been in the toilet since afternoon play time which finished ONE HOUR ago.
She had an accident and didnt want to leave the toilets in case her friends saw and took the mickey out of her.

I asked the teacher how she failed to notice DD has been missing for a whole hour and was told they dont do a registration after playtime and noone had noticed her absence.

MY problem with this is twofold. My child did not return from break an was unnaccounted for for one hour. My child was left in distress and embaressed for one hour with noone noticing.

The teacher said to DD that she was "very silly" and that she should have told someone so they could clean her up. This may be true but does not excuse the fact it went unnoticed.

I plan to meet with the head tomorrow after ive outlined my concerns in an email, could anyone advise as to what i should put in it?

(As a side issue, my 4yr old was allowed out to play twice today with no coat in freezing fog because noone could find it, but i found it left in the lunch hall when i went to collect him, with his name and class name printed on MASSIVE letters inside)

I too am soul searching to wonder whether I would have noticed one of my Y4s missing after an hour, and am uneasily thinking that I might not have missed them. I would be very surprised that one of the children or TAs didn't notice though.

Poor little soul. I'm horrified by the teacher calling her a silly girl.

What SecretRed said. Your poor DD, what a terrible situation.

Firstly, well done for not going absolutely apeshit right there and then. Your poor, poor dd.

Have a look at the school's website and see if their complaints procedure is outlined there. Make a timeline of events now while everything is fresh in your mind, but try to keep it factual rather than emotive.

In your shoes, I would want to go to the head, the governors and the LEA all at once but I suspect it may help more if you follow the complaints path.

Given what happened with your 4 year old too, I would give serious consideration to changing schools or at the very least keeping an eye out for other instances of incompetence that may prompt you to switch them to another school.

Your OP sounds very calm, restrained and clear - I would say exactly what you have said here.

I hope your DD recovers quickly and doesn't suffer any long term fears.

In terms of the email, how about this:

Dear HT,

An incident occurred today which has greatly concerned me, and I would like you to give this your attention.
When collecting DD at home time neither her class teacher nor TA could find her. She was found extremely distressed in the toilets, where she had been alone since afternoon break. She had had an accident, and was too embarrassed to return to her class.

I am very alarmed to find that DD's class teacher and TA didn't notice she was missing from her classroom for an hour. The fact that she spent this time in a state of partial undress with soiled clothes is unacceptable.

I am appalled that DD's class teacher told her that she had been "silly" in not returning to class to be cleaned up. This has compounded DD's distress.

I am hoping that when we meet tomorrow you will be able to offer an explanation for how this incident was able to occur, and an assurance that it will not be repeated.

Fleur

I think you need to think what outcome you want and how best to achieve it.

• apology?
• review/change of procedures so it doesn't happen again?

or

• putting teacher in the stocks
• getting head teacher sacked and publicly paraded through town?

Hopefully the first 2 options not the last 2?

So a calm letter to the head teacher explaining your upset and concern. In the letter ask for an apology and a review of procedures and a meeting this week. Also ask for an update by 1 week into next term on what is being done.

All guns blazing and righteous indignation is one thing, but a calm and measured approach may be more productive.

yup - calm but assertive like sootikin's letter.

Good letter Sootikins, thank you!

This is the second time they have 'lost' him at collection time, so its definitely a change in procedure i am after rather than a public hanging.

I am a teacher and this is disgraceful. I count the children before we come in from play/lunch.

Please rage away. If (god forbid) I'd done this I'd be begging you for forgiveness, not trying to brush you off.

I don't have a child in primary so I'm not sure of the procedure, but if you're after a bigger result could you copy in the governors?

I really do feel for your dd, really I do, but another teacher here who really hopes they would notice a child missing for that long but can't be absolutely certain. Obviously if it happened at a time when register was being taken it would be flagged up through that, and in a morning lesson would be far more likely to when they are in ability groups for lit and num and there is a TA around as another pair of eyes. But in a state school with 30 kids constantly needing your attention in the here and now I can't be 100% sure. In many classes with 7 year olds there is oly a TA in mornings not afternoons.

The teachers response was not at all kind though, calling her silly, especially when she was upset.

we always head count in from play and pupils have to ask to go to the toilet or leave the room for any reason so we know exactly where they have gone if they don't come back.

send the email, consider what outcome you want and meet with the head. if you want to take it further then yes to governers, lea, and ofsted.

ask about staff disciplinary procedures too. very complacent if you ask me.

Your poor child! I hope you get a good response from the school

I am shocked that the teacher and TAs didn't notice that your DD was missing for an HOUR! What if a child had been taken seriously unwell in the toilets? I think you've handled it brilliantly so far Fleur and you sound like a lovely Mum to have firmly put the needs of your DD first instead of ranting of the teacher then and there as most of us would have done. I'd be tempted to do an initial email - just so there is something in writing and maybe ask the Headteacher to meet you when he/she is in a position to update you on what steps have been taken to make sure this kind of incident never takes place again.
I hope your DD is feeling better now.

Definitely not being unreasonable. I would also think that a quick head count, or regular check of the toilets would be very sensible.

Also, telling your dd that she was "silly" is simply unacceptable. Even if she meant it in a gentle way, it is not what your dd needed to hear.

Hope school understand.

Shocking. I'm a teacher and I must say I struggle to see how this happened (ten minutes, yes. An hour, no).

I teach Y6 and have a log where the kids sign in and out of the room (mainly to prevent silly behaviour in the loos as we know who was in there when).

I must admit I'm surprised none of the kids noticed your DD was gone, although obviously it's not their responsibility. My lot know exactly who is in there and how long they've been there.

Your poor DD

YANBU, that is terrible.

The biggest issue by far is that your child was missing for an hour and this went unnoticed.

She could have been very ill, or fallen over and injured herself.

That it went completely unnoticed is shocking.

Surely the obvious change is that they need to do a register after every play time? It only takes a few minutes and prevents the chance of any child being lost or hurt somewhere.

I would ask the head to apologise and make this change, if not then take it up with the governors.

OP, at our school each class has a signing in and out book. The child signs the book and puts a time, then they write the return time in the book when they come back to class. I cannot imagine a teacher forgetting that a child has gone to the loo, particularly as the child asks the teacher or TA first (not just leaving the class without notifying teacher).

Some classes have a routine of children making a T sign with their hands to the teacher, to let teacher know that they need the loo. This causes minimum disruption in the lesson. The teacher will nod their agreement and child will sign out of the class quietly.

Your story is shocking, particularly as, some years ago now, we had a child go to the loo and not return after 15 minutes. At this point we went to find her and she was in the cubicle very ill, an ambulance was called and a first aid trained TA gave her medical aid until the ambulance arrived.

Please don't "go ballistic" at headteacher or teacher when you speak to them tomorrow, this is not helping the situation.

Instead remain calm but firm about your concerns. Ask what new procedures will now be put in place to prevent this happening again.

Make some suggestions yourself, for example:

• A signing out/in book for toilet visits.
• Children must ask teacher for permission before leaving classroom.
• If a child does not return after, say 15 minutes, a member of staff goes to look for child.

Insist that you are informed about the new procedures and when they will be put in place.

We use these procedures in our school, they are easy to maintain and children adapt to them quickly. They prevent any child being left in the toilets who may be in difficulty.

Best of luck tomorrow, OP.

I would be absolutely apoplectic with rage in this situation op. Your poor dd

I would contact the governors and LA.

Oh your poor dd :(

Definitely complain and make it polite, but formal so they know you mean business and fobbing you off / blaming your child is not an option