To be furious with DH this morning?

[Lambzig]

DH works full time, I work two days per week at the moment, one at home, one in the office on Wednesdays. We only have childcare for 1.5 days for one DC, two for the other (moved house shortly before my return to work, so are wait listed), so DH looks after DD on Wednesday mornings as he can be flexible about his hours and she is old enough to be quiet if he needs to take a call etc. We are waiting for childcare spaces to come up to give me three days per week.

DH agreed to this when I went back to work as he thinks we need the income, I was in two minds about it but am enjoying it now I am back. My work took some persuading about two days per week and it was strictly with the proviso that I am in the office on Wednesdays.

Last week both DC were ill, DH had a deadline, so I had to take a days leave at short notice to look after them.

This week DH had a business trip since Friday overseas. The client wanted him to work Tuesday too, so he was getting an overnight flight to arrive back at 6 am. I begged him to fly earlier just in case, but he refused. His flight got delayed and still hasn't landed so I can't go to work this morning. His attitude sucks, he said "it's just tough luck and I will have to make arrangements".

I feel if he isn't here Wednesdays it's up to him to sort out arrangements.

Work are probably going to be furious with me, I will probably get a warning. Would I be unreasonable to think this is unworkable and to hand my notice in?

Please don't say find alternative childcare, as there just isn't any where we live, it's all booked up and we are wait listed.

Can the kids go with you? Watch a DVD in the staff room til he gets back?

Can u work from home in the morning and go in later? Is anyone free to swap so u can do Thursday while they do your Wednesday

Could you do a shift-swap? I've managed that at the last minute when I've been ill or unable to get to work.

If not, is it an office-based job? Could your kids go with you and sit in your office with some colouring and your husband can pick them up when he gets back?

That could sort your problems for today, but you need to talk to your husband and tell him that you cannot take time off work all the time because you'll lose your job. If he wants you to go back to work, he needs to support you in it.

Unfortunately, I definitely definitely can't take the kids with me.

I could work Thursday, but have no childcare tomorrow. It's just going to make me look super unreliable.

I am in tears of frustration and anger. He still hasn't landed.

I know he will say "there is nothing I can do" and shrug his shoulders.

If he's regularly away like this then it does sound pretty unworkable. I can see why you're furious as it makes you look bad when it isn't your fault. On the other hand, perhaps it's worth just hanging in there if you enjoy your job and need the income.

What time do you have to be at work?

Can you not tell your husband that you'll look after them today, but that you have to work tomorrow to avoid being disciplined and that he'll need to make arrangements (either take the day off himself or arrange childcare somehow)?

Paid babysitter (maybe Sitters?)/emergency nanny?

Your dh can't have it both ways.

He was supposed to land at six, be home around 8 and drive me to the station. I would have been in by 10 an hour late, but could have just worked late too (my work is pretty flexible, but not this fucking flexible).

Now at best, if he lands soon, I won't get into work until this afternoon.

His travel is sporadic depending on projects, so sometimes he is not away for months, then sometimes once a month.

He has just texted to say he has landed, no apology or anything.

Do you need the income?

As he thinks you need the extra income then he is going to have to step up and help until you have childcare in place.

He can't have it both ways either he helps and pulls his weight or you find another jobs where childcare is less stressful.

He needs to understand he can't have it both ways.

If he wants you to work, he needs to support you and understand that your work is just as important as his. If you have to be at work at 9am on a Wednesday, he needs to accomodate that and make sure he is home to take care of your DC's. He can't just say "I have to work, so you'll need to take a day off".

If it's his responsibility to take care of DD on a Wednesday morning, then it's his responsibility to make alternative arrangements if something comes up.

What do you want/think with regards to you working Lambzig? It shouldn't be all about what your DH wants, especially if he's then not going to stick by it.

He sees your job as less important than his - he cannot possibly cut anything short with a client but it is totally fine for you to not show up at all at the drop of a hat. Ask him how he would feel if you just didn't show up for childcare on e.g. Tuesday and he had to ring in at short notice twice in a row!! I bet he thinks that's "different", and that you COULD do something about it...

If it was me I would have to explain that (regardless of whether my job was actually less/more important than his) I wouldn't be unprofessionally letting people down at the last minute. You will get a bad reputation and reference that could follow you for a long time.

So, if it is unavoidable that he sometimes won't be able to stick to the arrangement on Wednesdays, either you find a solution together where there is someone who can take the kids at short notice, or one of you (not necessarily you!) doesn't work.

That's what I think too. I suppose if we lived on his income we would have no luxuries, but be ok, but it would be tight. It's also that I work in a very fast moving field so four years out would equal career over.

I am just so fed up that there is no apology, just a shrug and a "I don't decide when the plane takes off". No you don't, but you do decide that you want to have dinner and a later flight instead of getting home very late last night.

I am more senior than him in the same field, although funnily enough since we had DC he has nearly caught me up.

You took the hit last week when the DC were ill.
Regardless of the reason, it's his turn this week.
He can work from home, but you risk being disciplined if you're off, so it'd be reasonable for him to work from home tomorrow.
He took a risk in a later flight for the sake of a nice meal, so for that reason alone he should suffer the consequences rather than you.
3 reasons, each on their own mean that you should go into work tomorrow and he should deal with the children.
If you leave now, what sort of reference would you get? You've already said that a career break would be career suicide.
Is he a bit dim or is he just monumentally selfish?

Is that really the reason he's now home late? Because he wanted a nice meal before he left, even though he knew you had to work and that he had to be home to look after DD?

He sounds horribly selfish after that last post.

Yep, he preferred to go out to dinner with colleagues and get a late flight than rush (as there will be loads of time after I land and I need to make connections out there). Flights all booked before I got told, there is just a total disregard for my life or the kids (he missed Dc2s first birthday too).

He is now in a cab sulking because I bollocked him.

He just has blinkers about work that nothing else is as important.

I was supposed to be at a conference today and because of his flight times, I had to ask a colleague to go as it is.

He is a selfish arse and I am so angry. I am going to run the second he arrives.

I don't blame you. I think, when you've calmed down and he's stopped stropping, you need to talk to him and say that as he wanted you to go back to work, he needs to support you and allow you to get to your job.

His job is no more important than yours (though I'm betting he thinks it is because he works more hours/earns more money) and if you're contracted certain hours, you need to be there! He can't just decide that he'll stay away for his own reasons and inconvenience you.

Have just had very difficult conversation with my boss having to tell him I won't be in until lunchtime. Apart from questioning my commitment etc (fair enough really), he said that he expects me to work next Wednesday which I had booked off as leave to see DD in her first ever nativity play at nursery. I will now have to miss that which I am so upset about.

I want a divorce (except that would make the childcare thing even worse).

Does he not take your career very seriously? Last week you stepped up, helped him out of a jam. I think most people would justifiably feel anxious about letting work down so early on. Returning to work after starting a family there's pressure on a mum to juggle that rarely seems to affect fathers. He was the sole breadwinner for a time and got used to you being available. Now you are working PT any unforeseen crisis still falls to you. Accordingly that stress will be capped by a niggling feeling it's warped to worry about your employers as much as your DCs being sick. The delay in formal childcare is really hampering you. Surely he sees this is temporary and he has to co-operate?

I agree you need to talk about this with DH. It is really tough without a family support network and having to rely on paid help. You're not a lone parent, you are not being unreasonable to expect some practical help.

Oh x post sorry OP bad timing.

Op, I think you need to be firm and clear that this won't happen again. It's great that he is moving up at work and values his career. You had already attained a higher status and he should not be able to eclipse you simply by abusing your good nature. You must prioritise your future earning capabilities, with a focus on ensuring you are capable of personal savings if you should so wish, perhaps to push into ensuring your skills remain current in your field to retain your position in spite of his accidental sabotage, as well as a pension of your own, contributory or otherwise, not to mention your national insurance contributions.

Be firm and clear Op. This isn't on. You are not his personal assistant. You are not staff. You are in a relationship. That implies equality. It is also voluntary. You do not voluntarily allow someone to take something from you that you would like to keep, especially if the loss of it could have far reaching ramifications.

Shit, shit, baaaaad xpost. So sorry op :(

Whatever you do, do NOT give up your job while you are married to this selfish wanker.

He has created problems for your in your career and made you look unreliable SO HE COULD GO FOR FUCKING DINNER.

What a complete and utter prick he is.

You know now how important you are - WAY less important than him.

Way fucking less.

You can do a few days work to earn money to buy him luxuries that he can't afford on his own account, but really, HE'S the one who matters.

I don't blame you for wanting a divorce.

I would be absolutely fucking LIVID in your shoes.

And he could fuck the fuck off with his sulking.

He'd be getting another bollocking when he saw me face to face and he'd fucking understand that NEVER AGAIN would I have my livelihood put at risk for his social life.

Utter, utter wanker of a man.

It's not really just about today, is it? It's a sign of his selfishness.

I would be furious if my DP's selfishness caused me to miss my DC's nativity play/something similar. Absolutely fuming. Like a PP said, he's obviously got used to you being at home and therefore hasn't really thought "hold on, Lamb needs to work so I'd better change my plans". But, you asked him to come home earlier and he still didn't bother.

I hope he feels horribly guilty for all of this.

Can you make your husband take a different day off so you could work another day rather than next Wednesday so you don't miss the nativity? He needs to understand how upset you are by his attitude to your work. I am pt but can't book holiday (teacher) so dh gets the brunt of taking days off for emergency childcare despite being the main earner