To be furious with DH this morning?

[Lambzig]

DH works full time, I work two days per week at the moment, one at home, one in the office on Wednesdays. We only have childcare for 1.5 days for one DC, two for the other (moved house shortly before my return to work, so are wait listed), so DH looks after DD on Wednesday mornings as he can be flexible about his hours and she is old enough to be quiet if he needs to take a call etc. We are waiting for childcare spaces to come up to give me three days per week.

DH agreed to this when I went back to work as he thinks we need the income, I was in two minds about it but am enjoying it now I am back. My work took some persuading about two days per week and it was strictly with the proviso that I am in the office on Wednesdays.

Last week both DC were ill, DH had a deadline, so I had to take a days leave at short notice to look after them.

This week DH had a business trip since Friday overseas. The client wanted him to work Tuesday too, so he was getting an overnight flight to arrive back at 6 am. I begged him to fly earlier just in case, but he refused. His flight got delayed and still hasn't landed so I can't go to work this morning. His attitude sucks, he said "it's just tough luck and I will have to make arrangements".

I feel if he isn't here Wednesdays it's up to him to sort out arrangements.

Work are probably going to be furious with me, I will probably get a warning. Would I be unreasonable to think this is unworkable and to hand my notice in?

Please don't say find alternative childcare, as there just isn't any where we live, it's all booked up and we are wait listed.

How infuriating.

I would go back to work full time and hire a nanny and insist that he meet half the cost.

I would be thinking about divorce too.

I'm so for you op. Hope you're okay. I'd be fuming.

These kinds of situations are grim when the original person is in the wrong but then the focus becomes the other person's anger. It deflects attention on the original wrongdoing.
Is it possible to take a deep breath and talk it through with your H and explain rationally why he has to take responsibility for his own children?
Not that he deserves your rational discussion. Surely he would leave his DCs home alone to prove a point?

*wouldn't

What a total arse, Im so sorry Op, Ive been there with a total lack of understanding and he is now STBExH. I would also not cancel my leave next week to miss DC's nativity. Unless there is an evening performance on a different date?
Failing that, could you ask the school if they do a dress rehearsal to the rest of the school, if you could come and watch that instead? Maybe offer to pay for the ticket/donate to their book fund? My dd was at 3 different primary schools, and they always have a school rehearsal. Just hope its on a day you dont work?

I think he thought we could drop off DC2 in nursery, he could let DC1 watch a film and stumble through the morning until he could take her to nursery, then have a sleep. Seems reasonable really as its no worse than I do when you have those sleepless nights with them ill and look after them the next day too.

I am so fed up because the DC and I were ill all the time he was away with bad colds, coughs and for them, upset stomachs too. I have had very little sleep and dosed up on cold and flu meds to get through the days. I am shattered.

I dont think for one minute that he would leave them, but I can imagine a comedy scenario with us both racing to be first out the door tomorrow morning.

I dont want to go back to work full time is a solution as I want to be at home with the DC mainly, but work part time to keep my career ticking over. This doesnt seem unreasonable as long as My company are happy with this. DH described me as "having it all" this morning, I replied "yes, having all the pressure of a job, all the housework, all the childcare, all the responsibility, while you do all thats me having it all". He did not respond.

My boss took one look at my face and said, he feels sorry for me and I dont have to work next wednesday if I can do another day to get the work out between now and then. We dont work for the same company - hence my seniority, but his bigger salary.

I think tonight I will take that deep breath and I will just calmly repeat my position that Wednesdays are non negotiable in future, his travel arrangements need to be discussed before booking them (he can just pick up the phone and check) and its his responsibility to make alternative arrangements if he needs to and that I consider his actions extremely disrespectful both me to me, my job and my role in the family. If he starts to argue, I will say "sorry that is non negotiable" and walk away.

Do you think he is capable of understanding your position? What you said about him being slow to readjust to picking up more slack, that makes sense, but that reluctance and resulting stropping is really immature. If he doesn't get this, what will you do? It might not even be an issue but I would be floored by that. This whole situation would have had me on the phone to a solicitor though. You sound levelheaded.

Wow, your boss is a great guy. But if I were you that would make me even angrier -- it's beyond obvious that your DH is dicking you around. Beyond obvious to everyone but him.

The "having it all" comment made me snort. Good luck tonight. I don't really think your plan of simply restating your position will work, though, tbh., sorry. He already knows that you think Wednesdays are carved in stone. But, based on his behavior, he doesn't think that. So I doubt your restating it will change anything -- I think you're going to have to sit down and talk about why he doesn't think that, about the assumptions he's made re: the value of his work vs. the value of yours.

His standpoint is that he knows I work Wednesdays, but that he has no control over what his client wants and therefore he cant make guarantees as he jumps when he is told to.

I work in the same industry and I disagree. I worked part time after DC1, three days a week, and I categorically was not available for meetings on Thursdays and Fridays and you just have to be super tactful with clients, and they are generally reasonable. He comments that "I just dont understand"

I think I usually back down as I probably am not as focussed on my work as much as he is right now and probably accept that I will have to accept that I coast a bit until I go full time again, but am beginnning to think I might need that high flying career.

I hate that he strops when he knows damn well that he is in the wrong, but he just gets in this entrenched position.

OP I remember you posting when you were about to have DC2 or had just had DC2. IIRC it was all about DH then. His career aspirations, needs, deadlines, the need to be seen to be 100% committed.

Either he accepts that he has to share the responsibility of childcare, or he has to be prepared to earn all the money.

I would really advise counselling, because that might open his eyes to what a selfish wanker he is being.

Or you have to get a nanny, which will alleviate your childcare problem.

Yes that was me, he wanted to miss the birth because he didnt want to start his new job a week later.

You may wish to stay at home with the children right now but your husband is making that impossible.
Go see a solicitor. He believes his job comes before all so you are no longer a partnership he's treating you like a junior member of staff he can shit on from a great height because he's more important than you.

This isn't just about today, for your boss to take the move to say that and the prioritising work over birth and threatening to leave the kids alone says you aren't even registering on his life plan radar at all.

You may not like it but you need to strengthen your financial position because he has told you over and again he is going to do none of the logistics of family life and there's no way you can force him to.

Is it a shitty thing for him to do, yes it is and that's why you need a solicitor because it may herald the end of your relationship.

"he wanted to miss the birth because he didnt want to start his new job a week later."

God, he really is pathetic, isn't he?

No wonder you are more senior than he.

He just jumps whenever a client asks him to?

Yeah, that's the way to look like a professional.

How can you have any respect for this selfish, idiotic knobhead?

Of course he could arrange things differently, he just doesn't want to.

AND even worse, he doesn't even have the fucking balls to do it.

"you aren't even registering on his life plan radar at all."

And THIS!

You are not important to him.

Your children are not important to him.

He is not a member of your family. He's just out for himself.

YANBU - tbh, he's done you a favour, inadvertently, by not apologising. I think it's allowed you to see the situation more clearly.

He does not think he is in an equal relationship - his job is superior to yours, his arrangements will always take precedence, and you will get screwed again as he is not prepared to accomodate your work needs when they are pressing.

Had he come home all apologetic and flowers, you might have forced yourself to turn a blind eye to all that.

I think it's a classic 'post maternity leave' problem, btw. Happens to women all the time - it's insane how many women who were equal or outsripped their partner in terms of professional status and wages pre-dc end up in this position. The pattern of 'main carer' and runner of the household has been established - man does not then step up to the plate whethe woman engages with work again. I think it's actually one of the biggest sexist cons of motherhood.

And most women in this position 'solve' the problem by remaining very part time/low status because they can't get their male partner to pull their weight.

Forget about any apology etc. Work out what you really need and present it as a 'done deal'. You've tried negotiating, it hasn't worked, and that's what he's doing to you.

He's taking the piss, but you're not alone. Good luck.

So who managed to get out of the door first this morning OP - I hope it was you !

It wounds like you really need to get watertight childcare arrangements in place fast. Yes your H is being an enormous arse, but you can't expect any more leeway from your employer and it sounds like they are bending over backwards to keep you - probably because you are incredibly good at your job.

Is there any way you can speed up getting the half day sorted as that would alleviate the problem?

It galls me to say it but I'm trying to be fair to your H. If you are paid to be f/t it is a little strange to have a half day of child care commitments. I think employers are a little more flexible when you are p/t as they expect unusual working patterns, but less so if someone is f/t .

But yes I'd have the rage too - DH is a contractor and works further away from home than me and always makes such a big song and dance about having to leave at 4.30 on the rare occasions he picks up DS -not my fault ! They enjoy having the benefits of two incomes but not any of the inconvenience of child care.

My XH was very similar. My higher earning job was irrelevant to him, because as fat as he was concerned if something at work came up, he would have to go do it and I would have to lump it. Oh, and the dcs would have to lump it too. Of course, being a mere woman it was inevitable that my career should take second place, right?

After a million gazillion rows, we tried counselling (it was cheaper than constantly replacing all the things I'd thrown) which enabled us to divorce amicably, and stay friends. And he even learnt how to do childcare! All's well that ends well IMO.

He's taking the piss and, like everyone else is saying, he thinks his job is more important than you, your job and your children. He's a disgrace. If you want to be an equal partner and parent, you really need to nip this in the bud now. We both work full time in the City in very demanding roles. We agree every day who is "in charge" that day and that's how it goes. We can swap, support each other and change plans if an emergency but never with that sort of attitude from my dh. He tried to change plans once by sending me a text at 5pm when I was in a meeting - got nipped in the bud pretty sharpish and he completely took on board all of the points we've been making to you. He doesn't want to be one of those husbands or one of those dads.