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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be furious with DH this morning?

69 replies

Lambzig · 11/12/2013 09:09

DH works full time, I work two days per week at the moment, one at home, one in the office on Wednesdays. We only have childcare for 1.5 days for one DC, two for the other (moved house shortly before my return to work, so are wait listed), so DH looks after DD on Wednesday mornings as he can be flexible about his hours and she is old enough to be quiet if he needs to take a call etc. We are waiting for childcare spaces to come up to give me three days per week.

DH agreed to this when I went back to work as he thinks we need the income, I was in two minds about it but am enjoying it now I am back. My work took some persuading about two days per week and it was strictly with the proviso that I am in the office on Wednesdays.

Last week both DC were ill, DH had a deadline, so I had to take a days leave at short notice to look after them.

This week DH had a business trip since Friday overseas. The client wanted him to work Tuesday too, so he was getting an overnight flight to arrive back at 6 am. I begged him to fly earlier just in case, but he refused. His flight got delayed and still hasn't landed so I can't go to work this morning. His attitude sucks, he said "it's just tough luck and I will have to make arrangements".

I feel if he isn't here Wednesdays it's up to him to sort out arrangements.

Work are probably going to be furious with me, I will probably get a warning. Would I be unreasonable to think this is unworkable and to hand my notice in?

Please don't say find alternative childcare, as there just isn't any where we live, it's all booked up and we are wait listed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lambzig · 11/12/2013 10:28

Just had row on phone where he kept saying "I knew you would be like this about it" as if I am being the unreasonable one and "what do you expect me to do about it". So angry, I don't know how I won't slap his face when he does turn up.

OP posts:
eurochick · 11/12/2013 10:31

I'd be livid too. This sort of thing is exactly why women with children earn far less than men with children. It's completely unfair that he assumes his job will always come first.

Jengnr · 11/12/2013 10:31

If he knew you would be upset why the fuck did he do it?

Wanker!

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 11/12/2013 10:31

Tell him you 'expect' him to build a safety net into his travel plans to allow for delays and that he now needs to book some short notice leave to enable you to attend the nativity (if your boss would agree to you switching days and I can see why you might be reluctant to ask).

livinginawinterwonderland · 11/12/2013 10:32

Of course you would be like this. He has acted like a self-centered prat and expects you to adjust your job and plans around something he had total control over when he booked the flights.

I would be fuming too, OP. A proper chat (in person, when you've both calmed down a little bit) is the way to go. If it doesn't improve, I would be seriously considering my place in the relationship.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/12/2013 10:34

"I knew you would be like this about it"

Right, so he KNEW you'd be pissed off and upset if he put his dinner before your job but he did it anyway, because he is a selfish bollocks.

I'd be considering going back to work full time and hiring a nanny.

And I'd also seriously be thinking about whether I could stay married to somebody who cared so little about what was best for me.

WipsGlitter · 11/12/2013 10:34

I would be fuming. It's the sort of thing DP would do. What about an au pair who could cover emergencies like this?

FunnyFestiveTableRunner · 11/12/2013 10:36

He's a complete shit OP. I am furious on your behalf. What a self-centred bastard :( I honestly don't know how to advise you as he sounds like a selfish child. I would also say cling on to your earning power at all costs because if you don't have a future with this twat you want to know you can keep yourself afloat.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/12/2013 10:36

I wouldn't bother my hole being "calm" about this unbelievable piece of piss taking.

Women are always expected to be all "calm" and "reasonable".

Fuck that.

There is no room for "compromise" here, or "we were both in the wrong".

HE is 100% wrong here. And he needs to fucking admit that and promise he will never be such a complete prick to you again.

FunnyFestiveTableRunner · 11/12/2013 10:36

I can't get over the fact he did this so he could have a nice dinner, then doesn't even have the grace to be apologetic Angry

MoominsYonisAreScary · 11/12/2013 10:36

What a selfish arse, I would be furious.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 11/12/2013 10:38

I would be raging. It would take a LONG time for me to forgive this.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 11/12/2013 10:43

What a complete prick.

The worst part is that he is still trying to act as though he did nothing wrong. Is he always so difficult to get an apology out of?

I couldn't live with a man who had so little regard for me or his DCs. Your DC would have loved to have you at their nativity, so its going to affect them too.

NeedlesCuties · 11/12/2013 10:43

YANBU.

Show your DH this thread for him to read while you rush off to work.

Do you think there's a hint of resentment from him that you're more senior than him in the same field?

As well as being unfair to you, he's also being unfair to your DC.

TiredFeet · 11/12/2013 10:47

I would be furious. Dh covers one day a week of childcare, to keep our costs down. Any tuesdays he can't do he discusses with me in advance and I book leave, he has never let me down last minute as he completely gets that they are his responsibility.
Totally gutted for you about the nativity too. Any way your dh could take some leave next week so you could work a different day instead?
I wouldn't give up your job just yet, your dh needs a good talking to first. How long are you likely to have to wait for a childcare space?

CinnabarRed · 11/12/2013 10:48

I suppose his thinking is that if his flight had been on time then he would have been able to go for dinner and be back to provide childcare.

Although I'd be pretty Hmm about how capable he's going to be looking after a young child after flying in on the red-eye.

It has taken my DH a long time to realise that if he's unable to attend a work thing because of childcare then neither his colleagues nor his clients need to know that childcare is the reason he can't make the meeting that day/time. A smooth "I'm afraid I have a prior commitment at that time, but how about Friday?" does the trick. 99 times out of 100 the other person assumes he has a meeting with another client and doesn't even query him. And the 1 time he gets pressed then he knows that it's really serious.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/12/2013 10:56

"I suppose his thinking is that if his flight had been on time then he would have been able to go for dinner and be back to provide childcare."

But even if his flight had landed on time, he STILL wouldn't have been home on time to attend to his childcare responsibilities.

The OP had to MISS A CONFERENCE so he could go for dinner.

And that was the situation BEFORE his flight was delayed.

He made arrangements that were more relaxing and pleasant for him at the cost of his wife's standing in her job.

And that would have been true even if the plane hadn't been delayed.

CinnabarRed · 11/12/2013 11:01

Yes, very good points.

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2013 11:57

Do you think there's a hint of resentment from him that you're more senior than him in the same field?

This ^

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 11/12/2013 12:07

Ok, some deeper problems going on here, but book yourself with a babysitting company or the likes, without telling DH if better although the cost might be a wake up call for him, so that you have some contingency.

Good luck.

Topseyt · 11/12/2013 12:16

I am not surprised you are furious. I would have bollocked him too.

"I knew you would be like this" is really an admission that "I knew I was wrong, but I don't care because I wanted to go out to dinner anyway and sod the consequences".

He is being a total arse. I am another who wouldn't be surprised if it is because he is a little jealous that you had previously got ahead of him in your chosen career field. His behaviour is mean enough to suggest that.

Do you work for the same firm? Could your own boss be asked to have a word with your husband about what happened, so that he/she knows you are not being deliberately unreliable and that he was the cause of it??

softlysoftly · 11/12/2013 13:14

If you are more senior with more earning potential then logistically it would make sense for you to go FT and him to do PT and be a SAHD.

Then you wouldn't have to cut the luxuries.

Suggest that to the selfish arse and I suspect he will soon reveal his innate sexism.

OrangePixie · 11/12/2013 13:48

I do think your boss is being a bit unreasonable actually, making you cancel pre-booked leave. I'm not sure he's allowed to do that? But I know you're not in a position to argue with him, unfortunately.

You need a long sit down conversation with your DH to properly talk about how you're going to make everything work.

Original poster
Lambzig · 11/12/2013 13:52

Thank you for the responses. I have been tied up rowing with DH and getting to work.

His viewpoint is that he doesnt have anything to say sorry about because he didnt cause the plane to be delayed. He totally doesnt get it. He doesnt understand that his arrangements havent caused him any inconvenience, but have massively disrupted my life. He actually expected me to have some sympathy about the fact that he had very little sleep on the plane. He says he is definitely not apologising now I am shouting at him.

I have said to him that as far as I am concerned my Wednesdays are carved in stone. He has to be available, at home, from the night before and until 7pm in the evenings and if he cant be for any reason, he has to make alternative arrangements for childcare for that day. He said "well I cant promise that as I might have to be away on a wednesday again and what am I supposed to arrange". He just does not get it, its so disrespectful of my and my job.

I have said I am going to work tomorrow too and he will just have to make other arrangements. He is refusing to look after the DC and saying that if I do that the DC will be left on their own as he will go to work too as I dont work Thursdays and apparently I cant change the arrangements at the last minute.

I dont think he resents me being the senior. When we met I earned three times as much as him, now he earns more than me. Its never been an issue.

He was like this when I first went back to work after DC1. I think he gets spoiled by me being available on maternity leave and then doesnt adjust easily when he needs to start pulling his weight.

So furious, I hate being this angry.

He could have diffused this somewhat (although I still would have been fed up) with a grovelling apology and an acknowledgement that he had messed up, but he is just completely convinced my reaction is wrong.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 11/12/2013 13:59

Quite aside from anything else, how on earth did he expect to sleep in the red-eye and look after a toddler properly the next day?

I'm not sure I could come back from this.

I'm really sorry, OP.

I think, whatever happens with your H, you need to find other childcare.