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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask when you stopped giving a shit?

97 replies

vitalia · 11/12/2013 08:40

I'm in my late twenties, and currently suffering from a crisis in confidence, a four year friendship has turned bad due to a Wendy and I'm being made out to be the unreasonable one.
We live in a tiny village and everyone knows everyones business, we have school aged children in the same class and I'm dreading the school run and the knowing looks.

At work I have no trouble with not giving a shit about what colleagues think of me and just do the job.

So when did you get the confidence to not give a shit, and how did you manage to get there?

OP posts:

MrsUptight · 11/12/2013 17:07

OBitchery I disagree. I gave SUCH a shit...for years and years and it wore me out and held me back. Now really don't care what people think. Obviously want to be seen as a good and decent person but if someone's judging me...or thinks badly of me then that's their problem because I am confident that I am a good and decent person.

OBitchery · 11/12/2013 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lavenderhoney · 11/12/2013 17:14

Work is different as you are supposed to be professional.

In your case, with the tiny village, I would always look great, small smile, ooze serenity and just be normal, ie smile and be pleasant.

Small villages are like this, always got to be a drama somewhere out of nothing, which is why I wouldn't live in one again! Don't worry op, I'm sure someone will make a complete balls of it round Christmas /NYE and everyone will have something else to talk and worry about.

daisychain01 · 11/12/2013 17:22

I will always give a shit, but only for the people who I care about, who are important to me and/or peoplle who are "on my side" in life.

I learned to give less of a shit about the opinions of people, through the bitter experience of knowing that I can't control what people think about me - so even if I'm really nice to someone they can still gossip about me behind my back.

So, the mental exhaustion of trying to please everyone finally made me get a grip and 'let go' of trying to please too much.

DP and I moved to a very small village recently and I've realised that gossip is already happening around us!

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX · 14/12/2013 11:15

I do think people can change. It is just how far they are pushed.

Canthaveitall · 14/12/2013 11:30

I am 42, and I would say in the last 2 years since turning 40, My only regret is allowing a lack of confidence to hold me back so much. I realised if X doesn't like me- so what? What will actually happen? Nothing.

It's liberating. I now don't see people who wear me down and choose my friends with care. I have less numbers on my phone as a result but that's fine with me.

kennyp · 14/12/2013 13:32

as the man who wrote the producers said - you're very quiet when you're dead so make a lot of noise when you're alive.

i like that idea.
plus "be a voice, not an echo". don't know where i read that.

having said that - my children walk home from school as i can't cope with the school playground muthas at all. (the kids are year 5 and year 4 so i should have been able to cope with it now but it's the one thing i just can't deal with)

it's difficult. i give a shit about odd stuff but sometimes massive things i just put my head down and hide. i never used to be like that. pffffffffffft. life. pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

SueDoku · 14/12/2013 15:11

I was bullied at school (many moons ago) and the day that I was able to turn on the people spreading lies about me, tell them that they were apologies for human beings and that I was never speaking to them again - and then turn on my heel and do just that - was a big turning point for me.
I was 16 (I'm now 65) and although I've always tried to be friendly towards people (and have helped out if anyone needed a hand) I've always known that I can walk away if I needed to - and it's made such a difference to my life... I have about 5-6 very close friends who I have known for years, but otherwise, only my family matter to me in any significant way.

madmomma · 14/12/2013 15:38

I think I was about 27. But I gave even less of a shit when I lost my Dad a couple of years ago. I think big berevements move the process along very quickly. It helps if you have a parent, partner or close friend who doesn't give a flying fuck :D Come to the other side OP; it's beautiful.

harticus · 14/12/2013 15:58

I think big bereavements move the process along very quickly

YY - and other life changing events.
I used to care very much what people thought of me.
But then the loss of those I loved, a violent assault, dreadful miscarriages and a big dose of the cancers knocked any last remnant of give-a-shitness out of me.

I have reduced my friends to a handful I can truly rely on, I don't get sucked into other people's toxic crap and I focus everything on my family. I don't do anything I don't want to and never feel obligated.

Being older is wonderful - heading towards 50 and I'm finally at peace with myself.

madmomma · 14/12/2013 16:04

harticus I'm sorry to hear of your troubles but this is the silver lining isn't it? It's great to find your own solid priorities and let the rest drop right away from your shoulders. x

harticus · 14/12/2013 16:09

Thank you madmomma - it feels good to get there in the end.

monicalewinski · 14/12/2013 17:31

Madmomma

"Come to the other side OP; it's beautiful."

I love that expression!

ocelot41 · 14/12/2013 18:58

Oo - mid 30s I think. Old enough to work out I'm flawed, but so is everyone else. If you genuinely try hard to be a decent person even if you often fuck it up. I think that's ok, no?

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles · 14/12/2013 20:01

Exactly ocelot
And that is OK.
In fact, I'm OK, You're OK

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles · 14/12/2013 20:06

"Come to the other side OP; it's beautiful"

Indeed.

That reminded me too of a quote by wise ancient philosopher Rumi

"Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there"

Ghostsdonttalk · 14/12/2013 20:13

OP I always tell my Dc to be lighthouses no matter how big and rough the waves are don't react, keep doing your own thing.

I often think people don't talk, gossip etc as much as we think they do. Most people are too busy with thier own problems to get overly involved in others problems. Those that do are not worth knowing.

LovePotatoes · 14/12/2013 20:21

Hello everyone. Brilliant advice posters
.OP, regardless of what others are thinking
of you, you need to like who you are as a person. Keep your head held high. Do not stop living and please make the most of your life x

drudgetrudy · 14/12/2013 20:30

long ago stopped giving a shit what neighbours, work colleagues and "randomers" think of me but I think I will always care about the opinion of those I respect and love. Being dumped by a long-term friend would hurt but I wouldn't give a shit about what other people in the village thought. Qoute: people can take your reputation but not your true character

harriet247 · 14/12/2013 20:30

About 24! I lost everything, literally everything except the cat. My mum told me that she'd knitted me an invisible 'fuck you'scarf and ive worn it ever since.

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles · 14/12/2013 20:59

How come you lost everything at 24 harriet?
Am curious. Apologies if it's painful.
Sounds like you took a lot from that experience though? x

drudgetrudy · 14/12/2013 21:02

Have read this thread in more detail now, some lovely advice. I like the lighthouse analogy. Keep your head up and smile OP and try not to let it affect you

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