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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask when you stopped giving a shit?

97 replies

vitalia · 11/12/2013 08:40

I'm in my late twenties, and currently suffering from a crisis in confidence, a four year friendship has turned bad due to a Wendy and I'm being made out to be the unreasonable one.
We live in a tiny village and everyone knows everyones business, we have school aged children in the same class and I'm dreading the school run and the knowing looks.

At work I have no trouble with not giving a shit about what colleagues think of me and just do the job.

So when did you get the confidence to not give a shit, and how did you manage to get there?

OP posts:
Minnieisthedevilmouse · 11/12/2013 11:30

A Wendy where I live would indicate derog term for tv. Guessing that's not the issue.....?

I don't give a shit depending on the circs. Mostly, I say I don't. I believe that for a bit. Then mull it over on my own. Discuss with dh if really feeling crappy. Believe I don't care again. And repeat.

I don't believe those that claim they don't care. If true there are some bloody weird people around. I just think it depends on the circs. Some things are easier to not be worried about.

And others well they play on your mind. I'm in that loop presently and it fucking sucks big time. :(

nowwhere · 11/12/2013 11:31

Love malcolm's two levels of not caring - not giving a shit and not giving a flying fuck :)

TheFirstToel · 11/12/2013 11:34

By the time I was about 12 I stopped giving a shit at school when I realised that nothing I could do or change about myself would stop be from being bullied. Actually a key moment was when I was 12 when the ringleader bully was singing a song about me in front of the whole class and the teacher encouraged it! I was a very academic, very nerdy type (hence the bullying) and that took the biscuit. I remember thinking "Do you know what? You can fuck off." I also got some unexpected support from the two naughtiest boys in the class - they came and offered to beat her up for me :o I realised that struggling to be accepted and fit in was never ever going to work, I just wasn't the type.

It has stood me in good stead - the bullying declined through my teenage years as I obviously did not give a fuck. And I still have that attitude now about school gate cliques and things like facebook etc. I am quite a loner and really enjoy being alone, which helps, but I do have friends - just on my terms and usually one-to-one. I never play along with wendy-type situations or cliquey gossip, I just disengage.

Actually I don't think it's about "confidence" as such. I'm not very confident in social situations because I know they're not my strong point. It's more about self-acceptance and realising it's not important for everyone to like you. I live by that. I don't like everyone, why should they all like me?

WhatHo · 11/12/2013 11:35

sometimes think I made choices through fear rather than what was right for me at the time.

Echocave · 11/12/2013 11:36

After my mum died and I turned 40, I realised life is really short. In some ways it's made life easier but in other ways I worry I'm becoming a bit of an old bag. I told someone off for spitting yesterday(!).
Mind you, I don't live in a small village or town and I would hate everyone knowing my business.

LadyBeagleEyes · 11/12/2013 11:41

I'm in my 50's, I can't remember when I stopped caring about what people thought about me, but I think in my late thirties.
I've learned that some people don't like me or disapprove of me, it's a small village. And vice versa.
There's also lots of lovely people who like me for myself and they're the ones I have time for and again vice versa.
There's been times when I was younger when I would get upset, but it's really not worth it.
Just be yourself, we can't get on with everybody.

WhatHo · 11/12/2013 11:47

Minnie not unless this village is in Wales and features in a comedy sketch Grin

A Wendy is a woman who you introduce to all your friends, then she de-friends you and keeps all your friends. I think that's right…?

ChubbyMcChub · 11/12/2013 11:50

It's funny, I never used to give a shit. But since having my DS 9 months ago (aged 30), I feel like I've become very sensitive, lost confidence, and dwell on little things from my past that never bothered me at the time. Not sure if it's hormones, being on maternity leave (I never had time to give a shit at work!) or what, but I hope it passes Confused

Ephiny · 11/12/2013 11:58

Probably when I was about 30. I wasted far too much time in my teens and early 20s trying to be 'normal', trying to be liked and accepted by people who really didn't deserve the effort.

I have no time for getting dragged into other people's drama, either. If someone's hard work, I just disengage. Knowing that you don't need the person's company or approval is the key to that.

monicalewinski · 11/12/2013 12:09

Love juggling's "Nelson Mandela serenity smile"! Grin

And echo what tonnes of others have said, I don't like everybody so how can everybody like me? Once that's accepted, it goes from there.

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles · 11/12/2013 12:14

Thanks Monica - I've been so inspired by Madiba/Mandela, especially with the tributes to him in the last few days.

I guess he was a man who'd lived through a lot of *
and yet with the wisdom of later life truly had that wise perspective not to give a shit about a lot of things (if that's not disrespectful to the great man)

monicalewinski · 11/12/2013 12:23

Juggling, you can't help but smile yourself when you see the 'serenity smile' - even Posh Spice was grinning when she met him.

I've been affected a lot by MN actually, people are so honest on here and you're privy to so much that you're not in rl.

This thread for example - if I'd read all the responses here back in my early 20s I'd have realised earlier that everyone has the same insecurities and doubts and we all have our game faces that the outside world sees - I'd have wasted far fewer years on overthinking things that just don't matter.

(Sorry for derail)

MammaTJ · 11/12/2013 12:27

Do you think you are an ok person? Do you sleep at night knowing you have done noone any harm and may even have done a bit of good during your day? Do you like yourself?

If you can answer yes to all of the above, then you shouldn't really care what others think of you.

This realisation was hard won though, by some long term so called friends turning on me openly, instead of the talking behind my back and reporting me to all and sundry they had done before. I had to look at my life and see if what they were saying was true (it wasn't) and that made me realise other peoples opinions did not matter.

There were some who believed them but I decided if they were going to do that based on what someone else was telling them, rather than make a decision based on what they know about me, then it is their loss!

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles · 11/12/2013 12:28

I just wondered from your post did you ever meet him Monica?

< gives a shit about the de-rail Grin >
(though shocks self slightly about casual use of bad language)

tobiasfunke · 11/12/2013 12:36

I was about 40. I had DS and got the courage to drop a long standing frenemy and suddenly I discovered I really didn't give two hoots what people thought or what I thought they thought. It is very very liberating as I was a sort of hyper sensitive person who worried about everything. I am still careful not to upset or offend anyone but I am more able to disengage from the crap. I realised some people are just knobs and they are never likely to change but you don't have to put up with it.
I wish I had been able to do it sooner.

monicalewinski · 11/12/2013 12:38

No!

(In my head, maybe!)

Every time I saw him on stuff or in pictures though he just made me smile, and like a warm, calm feeling. All of the pictures you see of him since his release, every single person around him is smiling.

Shock at your casual swears!

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles · 11/12/2013 12:46

Ha!
I guess I'm more comfortable with tobias and her "two hoots" Xmas Grin

Original poster
vitalia · 11/12/2013 12:47

thank you for all of your comments, I feel I'm ahead of the game in some ways as I know I need to stop giving a shit so can start working on that now.

Yes the Wendy is someone who is invited into a group of friends then chooses to alienate a specific person and turn everyone against them. This has now happened to me and I feel very sad that my closest friend has been taken in by it.

I am a nice person, I have three young dc's and im a good if not stressed mum (I've even had a couple of strangers on the school run stop me and say they admire that I'm always so serene and handle the dc's well)

but I was abit Shock at the time as I thought it was a strange thing to say.
It is hard living in a small village as it becomes a bubble. like another poster said people start believing things about you just based on gossip and because its a close knit community people are easily influenced.

OP posts:
Topaz25 · 11/12/2013 14:00

I still give a shit but I'm working on it. I have begun to cut toxic people out of my life, which really helps. I understand that might not be possible with the small village and the school run but hold your head up high, you've done nothing wrong.

DH is great at not giving a shit, I think some people just deal with things differently.

plentyofsoap · 11/12/2013 15:34

Maybe late 20's? I really do not care what others think about me. My mil worries so much about what others think of her, its such a waste of energy. No matter what you do some people will dislike, thats just life.

emblosion · 11/12/2013 16:04

Hmm. Think it was on my first placement as a student nurse. One woman in particular was vile and staff were generally unfriendly. I just thought 'fuck em'.

squeakytoy · 11/12/2013 16:06

Probably just after my mum died, and I realised that life is too short to put up with shit and being treated like a mug. I was 38 at the time.

Rosencrantz · 11/12/2013 16:07

When I was 20, after the worst breakup of my life - or anyone I've ever known. I got through some serious trauma, and ran out of energy to make anyone but me happy.

MonsterMunchMe · 11/12/2013 16:08

Cheesy as it sounds after a 'near death' experience last year. I was 23.

I literally woke up and thought 'fuck it'

As long as I don't hurt anyone I do/say/wear what I want. It was like a weight has been lifted.

Life is also a lot easier and for some reason I have made it easier to make/maintain friendships

OBitchery · 11/12/2013 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.